Douglasology™

2011-12-31T17:37:00.003+01:00

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New year 2012

2011-12-31T17:37:00.001+01:00

2011 didnt end that well for my family and I. A series of unfortunate events happened to my mom regarding health.

It was hard for all of us and of course hardest for my mom. I always thought celebrating new year alone at home rusting was quite pathetic as how I did some years back in Germany. but I felt motionless that time watching fireworks alone from far. this year I was in hospital watching fireworks from the wad and sadly my mom wasn't able to get down of her bed to see the fireworks. As I was starring ay the fireworks my tears suddenly start to fall from my eyes.

It was emotional. In this room I'm not the most painful person. My mom is. She is going through special much now and honest words will be that she might be facing the final stage of her life journey. Then I stare at my Samsung galaxy note and my iphone. These luxury stuff belongs to my mom. She gave us the best education. Train us up to be a real man. Useful to the society. We are who we are today because of her sacrifice, dedication and love. She gave everything to us for our brighter future. Now she is suffering and I felt so useless not being able to help.

Seriously all I want for new year now is my mom to recover soon.

Happy new year everyone. I hope this year is full of miracles

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2011-12-31T17:24:00.001+01:00

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The Greatest Mom

2011-12-16T09:01:00.002+01:00

The greatest mom

She's in such great pain now. Her physical condition is not going well. What could be worse when u knew bout the fact that you are diagnose with critical illness? How do you face it?

my mom is exactly in this position. when I look into her eyes I see a great fear and sadness in her. How do I feel? I felt tterrible. She not only cant eat which makes her really weak, she have to suffer from all those hospital tubes, she also hav to take blood sugar level every 2 hours. On top of that she knows that she is not in good Condition. How would you face such pain physically and emotionally?

The world is as we know unfair. But I never felt it so much until now. She never had the luxury to own an i phone or i pad.

Neither had she own an LV handbag. She only had a chance to travel after so many years of waiting. We were dining at Chillis having a nice juicy beef while she eat leftover homecook food. I had my first pair of nike shoes when she only buys shoes from night market. why? Because she have a vision greater than STEVE JOBS. She don't need to produce iproduct. Instead she have produce and invested two of the best product ever - Me and my Bro. one a brilliant doctor. Another an engineer. What more greater asset can you have than two great successful sons?

Now she needs care the most. Yet while suffering so much from all those tests, her mind is all about how are we doing? have we taken our lunch? Have enough sleep? Hows Work? Her mind still thinks of our welfare every second.

As I was writing this article,I am watching her resting. Is She really resting? what' s in her mind? Is she relief? Stress? painful? nostalgic? Then it struck my mind. What can I do? How to make her feel better?

I am who I am because of her. I have what I have because of her. Now, I just want to trade everything I have for her to be healthy again!

Majulah Douglas!

2011-08-09T15:07:00.002+02:00

Majulah Singapura! Only a nation of 46 years old, but it is equally as civilize and advance as countries which as thousand years of history. Congratulations to the achievement in Singapore and good choice of separating from Malaysia 46 years ago.

Just a little update that i wanna put it down here. Work wise, I am getting more workload day by day and I am starting to fill that I am contributing. Yesterday, I was trying to understand the root cause of a project bug and i discover it might lead to something more serious in the design. Though it's still initial stage, but I'm glad that i made a slight contribution to that. This project I am working on is going to be closed soon and immediately after that I will be put on another project. I believe it wont be long before I will have the chance to do some real design work.

Put work aside, I have a little good news to share. During my thesis, I have heavily taken part in the design of a conceptual analog to digital converter chip plus the test board for the chip. My supervisor sent us an email on the initial measurement and both the chip is working and the board is working. My hard work and sacrifice to go to germany paid off and now I can put inside my CV for that! He haven't measure the performance yet and he told me the board needs to do some bug fixing, but hey, it is working that means the core architecture is functioning well. I can never believe I have designed a working chip! Good start and hopefully in my new career I am able to do so too. Hope one day I can write patents! Sadly I am no longer in Germany to celebrate with my team there.

Back to singapore. Tomorrow will be my first day of the 8 week fitness training offered by my company. It will involve some techniques that can be done at home to build up the body, which include push ups sit ups stuff, plus kick boxing etc. I am looking forward definitely. But one thing concerns me is my health as I am having soar throat plus a lil of dizzyness today. I am not sure if I am fit for tomorrow but I will bring my gear there. I hope to keep in good condition throughout this week too because Oliver's wedding is coming!!!

Now the emo part. Still pretty much sad almost wherever I go. Almost every part of Singapore gave me sweet memories and till now I still think that those trips were a great achievements for us. But I think I am just clapping with one hand. How can the peanut outings in Singapore compare to UK? For her, I believe nothing beats what she've seen in UK. Not even a single moment we spent. Well that shows the difference in our point of view in life. I have always mentioned, a great trip depends primarily on the person we go with, and location is just a fill up factor. Thats why in me, the best memories are still those time I spent with her regardless where. Could even be as close as around our home. It's sad huh to know that what appears to be the best for you isn't really quite the best on the other side. What's even worse is that what you believe to be the best moments is just shit to the other party. That's like the ultimate killer.

I don't know if I did post up the origami roses arranged into a heart shape birthday card I've made for her 2 years back. I get reminded of that because last week I was folding it in office while waiting for my simulations and my colleagues saw it. They were so impressed and all of them ask me to teach them. One even said, you're really multi talented and with this you should be able to kill lots of girl's heart. Deep inside me, I was laughing like laughing kor lol! Well, i forgot to mention he's already above 35 so probably during his days this kinda things work well with girls. Nowadays you see girls going out with guys who've no emotion at all, and always "abuse" their girlfriends but yet those dumb girls are so obsessed with them that they get so loyal. Girls love bad boys this is the fact. No point having all this romantic skills. No use at all. You just need a big dick and a bad attitude to get girl's heart. This is the fact. Sometimes really I do doubt whether those effort I've put in to make all this DIY gifts really worth it or not? 10 years down the stretch, I just can't recall how many of those I've did already. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

Anyway, it is over. How many times I have to remind myself about that? I guess the answer is forever because I think it takes forever for me to recover. I am moving out of my comfort zone. I finally decided to move out of Jurong area where I am so comfortable with. There are a few factors which leads to this decision despite having to sacrifice approx 1/3 of my salary for my new room. First of all, I need a change. Call me kolot, but I think it's time to try a new environment. I might get lucky there who knows. Second to that, I don't want to cause more inconvenience to my uncle. It is just a matter of time I have to move and why not sooner in conjunction with a new change. Thirdly is of course I have no time for myself wasting all the time travelling to my office and back. Moving to a place much closer to my office is definitely a good choice. Some other minor factors are not worth mentioning here but made contribution to the decision as well.

That's all for now. Just a question to myself - Will I find a real lifetime partner in the future or nobody wants me that I will be alone forever?

Sigh...it's kinda depressing to ask question to oneself like that....life sux!

The Ultimate Kryptonite

2011-07-30T16:06:00.003+02:00

just feel like updating here. It's been like 2 months since i came back from Europe and about 5 weeks since I start working. Work, still about the same. Starting to get a lil more workload but still it's kinda "peanut" work whr an intern can do the job. On the bright side, I am taking their salary for the minimum effort I'm giving. On the down side, I am not contributing and not really learning much. At this point I can't tell whether I am really happy with the work or not but for now I am happy that I just got my first month salary. Yes all I care about is money now. Seriously, I think this is not a long term thing. I want to do some real Design Engineer's work, eventhough I'm not a very confident person that I can handle that.

I have nothing much to comment bout work atm. I am feeling emotional now. Well, it's about the same thing actually. I believe everyone have one/several Kryptonite that always make the person weak at some point. My worse case is love/relationship. I loudly admit, I am not quite moving on as how I was and no improvement at all. Especially last week when the convocation spark up lots of hype. I thought distance and time will also help in my healing process but one phone call changes alot. It started with the mother calling me. Details of the conversation will not be disclose here.

U know what is the most hurting part when you exit a relationship? Its not the break up really. It's when you know all these while when you felt you're the most important your love one would die for, isn't that important after all. Many people did ask me before, I've been with the same girl on and off several times. Why is tht so? If I love, why did I break? Honestly I don't know. I really don't. Maybe I just can't let go of her. It's too useless to talk about the past but i wanna mention the recent one.

In 2009 when I finish my bachelor degree, and slowly we get closer to each other again and finally got back together. It was after so long we've been separated, and judging by the age perhaps we've reached a maturity level and know who we really wanna spent our life with. All these while my relationship with her wasn't quite accepted by my family. But that time we got back together, I was so sure this is the girl i wanna marry and live forever. My confidence level even shoot sky high because she came back to me, proving there's something she's attracted to me and it is not money/looks/fame because i don't have any. She knew I was going overseas for some time again and will not have any income. She knew my face is as ugly as whatever ugly things u can imagine, but still stick to me. Something inside me that attracted her. So that's it, decision made. I dun care what outsider criticize about me getting back with her for the 4 time. I fought with my mom and finally got her approval. She finally had lunch/dinner with my parents for the first time in 10 years we've been on and off. Everything seems so wonderful right?

This is the problem when your confidence is built upon such fragile factor. My confidence was borken into tiny pieces even smaller than the world's smallest particle now. She changed job, had chance to go UK and things were just upside down since then. The so much enjoyable UK trip that I felt, wasn't what it was in reality. So, happy right both of us finally can tour around a European country together? No. It was as disastrous as hell. I'll fastforward here. So finally we broke up again. So much for the lifetime plan with her. Gone baby gone. Even then, story hasn't ended. When I'm back in Sg, when i tot her love wasn't with me anymore which i had never expected that to happen, happened! But tru phone conversations, she showed as if, she regretted leaving me. She show she wanna patch things. She showed she "can't live without me". Wooahhhh imagine my confidence shoot up again. But I denied her because I don't want it to be just because I am finally away from distance and sort of found a good settlement here in SG plus now she's not with any companions. I dun wan to have another fragile relationship. I want as solid as hard diamond.

So what is the conclusion? It doesn't take a genius to figure out the real fact. The love is long gone, there's no regret in it, no will to come back, importance have much faded. The fact. Since she changed job, and went UK, she felt in love with that country, more than anything. Enough said. Well, nobody's fault. In summary, it's just our way of life that doesn't match. I used to wonder why despite me staying in different countries and been expose to so many things, yet I am still loyal in love/relationship and how come she just can't? Well simple thing I understood now. She's not me.

So again, I have to find ways to forget bout all these crap, move on and hopefully will find a true lifetime partner that is also willing to build a solid hard rock diamond relationship with me till eternity.

Emtpy life v1.1

2011-07-02T18:07:00.002+02:00

After 1 week of work, finally able to update a bit here. I don't really know who's still reading this but again i repeat tht I'll just put on my feelings here like a diary. I believe no one will read it now. Well, I leave home around 6.45am every morning and come home around 8pm every evening. After bath, and surfing internet plus lucky enough watching 1 episode of TVB drama, I'll go to bed. Around 11pm max. This is how my first week of working life is.

I feel freaking tired everyday actually but not because there are lots of work. In fact I don't have much work for the first week. But I guess just like old times, I need time to get used to the timing. Sitting in the MRT for 1 hour to office 1 way isn't that stressful but kinda boring. I usually get a place to sit because in the morning trains are more frequent and I'm always quite fast in securing a place to sit. When I get my first month salary, I'll get an ipad 2. Ok yes I'm still not a big apple fan but the reason I get ipad 2 is because my uncle and my brother have one. Easier for me to synchronize with them. Later, I also plan to get smartphone, but I might go for Samsung or HTC. Samsung is my first choice because they offer much better hardware specs for the same price u pay for an iphone. Only concern is, android is still pretty much in development stage and I am quite impatient to see them stabilize. I know they will reach one day where they can compare one to one with iOS, the question is when that's all. At this age I'm still quite keen on gadgetings, but the next life transition I might have different hobby I wanna invest on, such as automobile or other mean toys.

Ok, back to work. Not much girls around my office as expected. Microelectronics are never popular subjects for female anyway. Colleagues are relatively good, not close though. Perhaps I'm still new to them. Last friday i even tear my face and force my boss and his gang to accept me for their dinner outing which from their expression not quite willing to. I can see why. Not that they don't like me, but with me along they have to be very careful with their conversation. Like in the car they did talk about foreign talent, and can see that they're filtering alot of stuff. They try to cover it with Hokkien sometimes, but I can roughly guess what they're saying though not knowing Hokkien. They also wanted to go for full body massage and stuff like that, which I suppose they don't want me to join and also they know I'm new guy so shouldn't take such a long lunch break. I also learnt my lesson, I'll not go with them so often unless I'm called to. Other than relationship with colleagues, the technical part is kinda challenging for me. Even the internship guy is much more active than me and much more pro than me. The upcoming new project our principal engineer gave him most of the task, which left me like a noob. I'm still in 3 months probation period and I wonder if they'll find me too useless and will kick me out within this period. Sigh......

Other thing such as I'm kinda missing someone. But well, u can't get happyness by force. Two different person with different priorities in life eventually will end up fighting and struggling. How did we get together in the first place? Simple. It was feelings. I still love her, but love isn't everything if we've tried to live together and failed. All those sweet memories, they can be so sweet because our relationship wasn't put into test. Once it is, it is proven that the relationship has been quite fragile all this while. It's just like a Ferrari. Sweet, but once it get crashed up, the damage is far worse than other cars. Pity and sad, but that's life I guess. After officially breaking up for 4 months, I am still in the state of recovering, and in fact my recovery status is just like 4 months ago - felt like I'm just starting to recover. I'm kinda concern too if I would ever get another partner in the future knowing my lousy qualities and my low self esteemness. I guess only she appreciate my lousy qualities and convince me I'm somebody even I can't convince myself. But I should stressed out that it is all now in the past. Past tense. I am always confident that she'll be able to get a guy much better than me in a short time. I hope she does. But, being selfish, I don't wanna know. I don't know if I am mature enough to take that news or not. So if anyone related to her knows about this news, please don't busybody go and tell me.

Looks like this two weeks, there's nothing much I can look forward to. It will be the same old 9-6 working thingy, weekend same old badminton and that's about it. I am looking forward for my graduation, but not the ceremony. I'm just looking forward for my parents and my brother to come over to visit me that's all.

I felt empty at this point again. Empty life. Sigh.....zzzz

Nooby day

2011-06-27T15:12:00.002+02:00

First day at work! Well, as expected I felt so noob. Today there's a group meeting and division meeting. In both meeting it's like everyone is so actively participating in the conversation and I'm just like nooooob. I hope in 1 week time I'm able to pick all those up! Tomoro will be another nothing-to-do day.

Well, I hope this job is really what I want. Now I'm looking forward for 2 things. One is to get familiar with the technical environment and the other one is my first payday haha. Sigh, long long way to go.

As for personal stuff, It has been kinda turmoil. I did enjoy my week last week where my bro Kel came over to Singapore for business and pleasure trip. We had a few meals of hawker which was so enjoying. He treat me quite number of times coz I'm freaking broke. Then we had BBQ on Friday night at my place. We bought too much food and in the end it was all wasted. Then on Saturday we went East Coast Park for cycling. There were about 9 of us and I really enjoyed it so much because it has been a long long while since I ride on a bicycle. Next target is roller blade. Also, I finally met up with Wenni. On Sunday we went casino and of course I didn't gamble just to go in and see. Then we walk around Marina and Clementi mall. Manage to get my working clothes, but have to borrow money from Kelsen first sigh sigh. Then we took off to the airport and we had a nice japanese meal before he took off. Overall was great!

But also I did receive some unexpected sms and email. Again, it almost ended in a bad manner but I guess now everything's much clearer. Now that it's really over, I did felt a lil empty in the part of life. But well, I guess it's a choice I have to make and live with it. I will definitely remember all the sweet memories. It is still one of the best moments of my life. I wonder, with my appearance and my quality, will anyone be attracted to me? Perhaps I'm gonna be single my whole life.

Freaking tired, that's the end of my day.

I'm a Designer!

2011-06-18T12:46:00.004+02:00

It is exactly one month since I came back from Europe. Well, probably coming back is not a good word to use since Singapore is not my country. But I set a goal to build my life here. So, I guess I can say coming back after all.

I came back with a vision, and full of hopes and targets to fulfill. First off, I need a job, a related job of course. Other things are such as building a social life here and start contributing to my family. When I reached singapore, I realized that most of my colleagues already started working. Honestly, I felt the peer pressure. My first meeting with them is in one of the weddings. Everyone seems to be exchanging name cards and I'm the only one without one. I have to keep my heads high so I was joking to everyone saying why not I copy my student card and give it to them. After that, I felt like it's time to step up my job hunting and I am seriously looking down on myself because I'm spending parent's money still.

The first turning point came when I met up with my Professor. He is helpful enough to distribute my Resume to all his connection, which in his case a huge network of managers or hiring managers. I have confidence he would help me of course, but I never thought my Resume would be firm enough to be short listed for interview. But it came really quick. In summary, I screwed up like 7 interviews. When I mean screwed up, I mean those technical questions. So i really start to doubt myself whether I do have the ability or not to work in Singapore.

I can only say luck is with me. On last thursday I was called up for 2nd interview with STMicroelectronics, the first company that I was called up for interview and the same company that i screw them up last time for my internship. At first I didn't I know it was a second interview. I thought it was more like another interview for another position since I knew I did really badly for my first interview. Also, the person who called me up for the 2nd interview is a different person, and his Chinese-accent English wasn't really clear. I asked him if it's a different interview from the previous one, he said yes. So I prepared damn freaking hard for the interview, reading up the technical stuff again and again especially those part where I'm weak at. When the interview started, the interviewer pop questions about my previous experiences in Bosch, focusing more on the interpersonal issues such as communication with ridiculous colleagues. About 40 mins of interview without a single technical question. After that part, she said she was done and I was stunned, thinking perhaps my chances are over. But then she told me to stay in the room as the HR needs to interview me. Then came the lady who called me for the first interview, Jane. Jane was nice and she put up a very friendly smile, by far the most friendliest smile in all the interview. Of course, I was told to smile as well, so I return a big smile. Our interview session was more like chatting, where she get to know me better asking questions based on what I've scribbled in my resume. Then she ask me if I have any questions, but i told her not really. Then she start telling me about the basic salary and benefits if i were to be employed. Suddenly I was so excited. Just when I thought she would present me with a contract, she said she will notify me the next day.

I was excited the whole day I couldn't sleep. Ok maybe i should speed up things here. Yes I am offered a job. The job according to the manager sounds very interesting, plus I think the salary + benefits is very attractive. I don't know what is the market value, but at least it is higher than my expectation.

Whatever it is, at least I have secured a job!

But way before I received my first pay, I am already starting to think about the things I want/need to buy. Gosh!

I don't belong to the Elites

2011-06-13T10:55:00.003+02:00

I just came back from an interview where I made myself look like a fool again. It's my 8th interview so there's no excuse, i should have performed no matter what. I have never felt such an idiot before in my life, really!

I recall during the time i was searching for internship. I applied to many companies, only 3 companies called me up for interview. The first one was an internet conference interview. He asked me some technical questions, which I am able to answer few of them. They rejected me though because I wasn't confident enough. The second one didn't even ask me any technical questions, just asked me to explain about my previous projects and experience. There were 4 of us interviewing for the same position, so basically the interview is just for show. They have already picked their candidate before hand. The 3rd one was from the same company as the second, but different division. Yes, i totally screwed up the interview but yet I was hired because it was just an internship position and they only need to pay less than half a normal employee's salary but the workload is the same. So that doesn't proof anything. The fourth one was the one I nailed. It was a telephone interview, and trust me it's much easier to cheat in the phone interview than face to face for technical questions. I am very good in bullshitting, so i can talk all i want. Furthermore, my supervisor who hired me is a very very nice guy.

At that time I was so proud of myself actually that I got that position. After completed my internship and my overall masters, I am so confident because I had good grades, plus good internship experience. True enough, I was called up for interviews based on my CV and my grades. But after so many interviews which non of them I answer with confidence, I really start to feel like I am shit. Everytime they pass me a paper and ask me to derive equations, I just struggle. Today's interview was one of the worse because I really didn't manage to answer much. Most of the time he was trying to help me on the interview. Until some point he gets frustrated as well. Sigh.

I have a master degree from top Universities of their region. I have 5 years of international exposure, plus a recent experience in my related field in Robert Bosch. I graduated with a very good grades. So what am I? Nothing! I can't even secure a job. What's the use of all these records anyway?!!!!

I guess it's time to realize, I am not the smart one. I am just normal.

Dream inside a dream (2 layers now)

2011-06-11T13:07:00.002+02:00

I guess the fight is over. Actually it is already kinda awkward that we're still fighting after the break up. But I guess it is necessary at least both side is much clearer what is destined for us and what actually happened in the past. Well, it isn't really a mutual break up but at this point, I guess its fair to say it is unavoidable. Just one phrase summary, we just have our own way of handling htings and unable to tolerate with each other.

Ok, since this is over, there's no point talking about it anymore. The sweet memories will always be with me and will always pop up from time to time. But it's time for more serious stuff. I am already consider old and at the moment quite a useless person on earth.

I am talking bad about myself, but it is partially true. I am really low in confidence now. From the previous Friday until now, I have already being interviewed by 7 companies. 2 of them are called up because I was short listed. The other 5 was more like a career fair and I just did a walk in Interview. Everyone is very envious about my situation. But I can tell you honestly, non of those interview that I am confident to nail the job. Yes it's still early to tell, but it's like exams. You know exactly how you perform, and if you perform badly or so so, you can only hope that either the other candidates aren't performing well too, or basically no other candidates. Well, being a pessimistic person, and knowing my own performance during interview, it is likely I will nail any job. But of course I am still hoping I will receive phone calls from them for job offers.

I don't know what type of response or how they conduct interview for other professions. But at least I know for my field, in particular chip design, they don't usually ask you trick questions nor will they ask you questions that will proof your intelligence. In this field especially for a fresh graduates, the only thing they really want is a strong fundamentals in the theory. Most of the questions they ask are questions that have only a right or wrong solution. What I mean is for example they won't go and ask "give me 3 reasons why I should not hire you?" stuff like that. I classify these questions as abstract questions, where there are no right or wrong answer, but every answer you give reflects your intelligence or in general your character. Of course, one of the interview he asked me what is my greatest strength and weakness. That's about it.

Really, I am starting to doubt if I am suitable for this field despite obtaining a masters with a good grade. It's like I am not even strong with my fundamentals. I have been reading up for each interview, but when it comes to the real situation I just couldn't explain things well. Yes I did a good job in Bosch, and perhaps my working ability is good. But what's the point if I can't even get through the interview stage? Sigh.

These days I have been dreaming about the next morning waking up with a phone call about job offers. I am so desperate for job now. I need money to flow. On the lowest level, I need the money because I am staying in my uncle's place for free and I don't feel good about it. It's time for a payback. Also, at the age of 26, I should be doing something useful. On the luxurious side, I am already eyeing on some gadgets and goods I want to purchase and services I need to sign up for.

About gadgets, the first thing I want to get is a tablet. No, I am not going for Ipad. I am eyeing on the Asus EEE Pad Transformer(or Slider) with 3G. It is definitely much cheaper and it's android based. I have good faith with android because since it is own by google, it will be much easier for compatibility in the future because almost everything from the internet is own by google. The other advantage over ipad is the programmability, or customization. Ok, android tablet, the next target is android smartphone. HTC is my choice, and i think i'll go for incredible S series. And hopefully by end of the year, I am able to get some telezoom lens for my 550D.

Service is my physical appearance. First I need to get rid of my pimples. So it's time to see skin specialist which obviously gonna cost me alot. Then, orthodontist to beautify and to healthify my teeth. Yes yes, perhaps it's kinda late to wear braces but well, it's for my future anywayz. Then, I wanna sign up for German courses, continue to brush up my German. I believe my English level is good enough, so as my Chinese. I think it's advantageous to have a strong German background so I can deal with German customers in the future. Finally, I wanna take up Guitar courses as well.

Hmmm, ambitious me.

Now, Leave me alone!

2011-06-04T21:38:00.003+02:00

Alright. I admit, I have been falling again to my Kryptonite. So many times it has happen but yet I didn't learn anything from it. I am such a NOOB!

Actually I wanted to blog about my failed interview which hurts me alot and I am already depressed about it. But today, I heard more things which made me even more sad. It's like throwing alcohol into burning fire. Sigh. I kept falling for the same trap, and really I don't know when I will stop falling for it anymore.

Well, it's nothing new. It was the truth, has been the truth since many many months ago. But I refuse to accept it though on the surface I sounded like I've already accepted it. Maybe I should just put it more direct. Yes it is about my past broken relationship. I don't feel like repeating what happened about the break up. But i'm reminded about it. What made me even more furious is that I've already mentioned many many times and she among all the people should know that I am in the midst of recovering so it's best not to disturb me and if she wanna be friends maybe in the future but definitely not now.

In one of my previous post, I said leave me alone if you don't have feelings anymore. But she sent me sms saying it's not true. So I interpret it in such a way that she still have feelings for me. Her intention to come down to Singapore even made me wonder this could be a turning point between us. OMG OMG. See how noob I am. Nah not her fault. She's not lying. I just misinterpret it. It was a huge misunderstanding. The truth has always been there, no changes. Since long before the break up the feeling wasn't there anymore. For whatever reason, I shouldn't bother. My main task is to realize that it is totally over.

What made me more furious is that until now, some people just don't realize what damage has been done. Now I am to be blamed for making her feelings fade away. Well, feelings faded is already quite hurting for the person to bear, it is even worse when the pain bearer is to be blamed. How on earth? U know when I came back to Singapore, I have so much memories and every where i go i think of it. Since I attended the wedding and the sj4p outing, I talked to people. From then, I tell myself no matter what I have to pull out the dagger from the heart. Not until I receive calls and sms again. Then i jump back into the hole. Hahahaha.

Somebody scolded me for being stupid in fb once. Well, I have always thought of myself to be smart in many ways. Honestly, I doubt myself now. I think she's right. I am stupid. Stupid for being stupid over and over again. This is call the stupid ultimatum.

So what now? Me being extremely sad about interview failure, and extremely sad about being screwed up by the same thing over and over again. Hatred, anger, pissed, regrets, sadness. U name it, it's all presence in my heart. Looks like the dagger not only hasn't been pull out, it goes in even deeper. Congratulations. You have just manage to destroy my heart yet again!

So, fucking leave me alone!

Monday 30th May

2011-05-30T19:46:00.003+02:00

Being optimistic today, I guess I can consider today as a fruitful day. First I got my graduation letter and I've sent out several job application. Whether I get it or not that's a different story. But at least since I came back till now, I was not really doing anything serious at all. This also signal the beginning of my job hunting in Singapore. Well, despite being highly qualified, I've already been warned about the current situation in Singapore regarding hiring foreigners. Like I said, I can't be worried too much about that so I just have to keep applying.

Then I went to Vivo City to have dinner and catch movie with some sj4pians in Singapore. Of course again the emotional strike happen as Outram park MRT station, Harbourfront, Vivocity has been one of the most frequently visited place when we were together. It is also a bus terminal for to and from KL via Aeroline. The starbucks there gave me lots of memories because I always camp there for coffee before I depart to Malaysia. Other than that, we had several nice meals there including Brotzeit, the japanese restaurant and many more. Oh yeah it is also the place where we take the skytrain to Sentosa Island. Reminds me of Universal Studio and the island itself. One more thing, they have the Hershey's outlet there and it gave me some flashbacks as well.

Well, i don't want to touch those emotional stuff too much. Anyway today's movie outing wasn't that bad at all. Initially it was abit numb because I am not very good in initiating conversation and especially I have been gone for so long. But slowly we get into the groove and I start being the lame guy again. This time Min Yee and her boyfriend came, along with her boyfriend's brother. Total 7 of us. We had soup for dinner, which is obviously not good enough for my huge appetite. But it's ok as long as we enjoyed the chat. As most of them came directly from work, and seeing them with their working attire makes me kinda envy them having a job in Singapore. Sometimes it's about timing, not just qualification. They're all Malaysians and having the same qualification, but I guess they were lucky to get a job before foreign talent has become a big issue around.

Oops drifting out of topic again. Back to the outing. We watched Kungfu Panda 2, which wasn't that great honestly coz the jokes were lame, but not in the funny way. Story line was predictable and well, I am not so much a of animation guy. Luckily the movie only lasted 1 1/2 hour approximately. Then we headed home and 6 of us stayed in Jurong area. Again we chat and laugh in the MRT about jokes and stuff, it was really fun. I never had that since a long time ago. I hope we will have more of this kinda outing. But the positive side is that they're stil staying in Jurong area which makes outing even easier. We will have a BBQ session soon, at my place just like old time.

So much for the outing today, back to the boring life. This week I will try to pick up some of my lecture notes and read up some fundamentals again since there's a campus interview next week. I signed up for 4 particular companies but my main job position is analog design. So i'll prepare hard for that and of course do some research on the company's background. any additional advice is highly appreciated!!

That's all for now. Cheerz!

life like it should be

2011-05-28T19:58:00.002+02:00

Again, I expected this to happen. But not the way it should happen. Today I attended a wedding of a classmate in Pan Pacific Hotel, just opposite to Suntec City. This is also the first time I travel so far with the MRT after I came back last Monday. As I've already mentioned, this MRT line and Suntec City gave me alot of sweet memories in the past. Furthermore, I am attending a wedding. Seeing a couple finally get tied up together will naturally make me jealous especially my relationship was never fruitful.

But it wasn't really the journey to Pan Pacific hotel nor the wedding dinner that made me sad. The main reason was because I went with Gibran and throughout the journey I had a nice chat with him. In the dinner, There are few classmates attended and we joke and laugh so much. I was kinda back to my lameness since being a silent guy for months especially those time in Germany. Food obviously wasn't that great eventhough there're expensive food like shark fin or abalone. But overall the dinner wasn't that bad. The only bad thing is I am reminded by my classmates about my case with STMicroelectronics and might dent my career advancement in Singapore because i'm potentially blacklisted. Well I can't be too worried bout that at the moment. Just have to keep trying until I really face a dead end.

The sad part only start to kick in when Gibran receive a call to meet up with his girlfriend and that reminded me alot about how I used to have that and Was eager to leave the place to meet up with mine. Now that is over, I don't know when I'll have that experience again. The journey back was also quite suffering as I was alone and I had a long journey to have all those flashbacks. Honestly even until now after 3 months, I admit I am still putting hopes that things might turn around. The hope wasn't totally just a dream when I receive a surprise call and smses from her. I wasn't able to talk nicely with her mainly because deep down in me I am still feeling angry and upset over a sudden change of feelings which led to the break up. Now that I'm waiting for champions league final to start, I had some time to think bout it again. The last sms I think I made a very straight forward question regarding the "hope", and receive no reply at all. I suppose that already answer to my question. She just wanted to visit Singapore, not really me. I appreciate, her effort to try to be friends again like I've mentioned in the previous post. But I am just too weak to move on at the moment. It's good to know, but it's just hard to accept. But still, a good sign for me. At least I can slap myself everytime I think of the hope and start to move on whichever way I am able to.

Of my 26 years of life, 10 years I've been on and off relationship with the same person. To be honest, those 10 years was the most extreme years for me, meaning the best time I ever had, and also the worse. Literally, I have to remove this 10 years from my life, and minus those first few years being a noob baby, I have only 10 years of remaining memories. Again, among this 10 remaining years, most of my time I dedicate to academic achievement. So that left me theoretically with not much sweet memories of my childhood, or my teenage life, or even my young adult life. I am 26, the last quarter of my twenties. I wish I could really fast forward to the time where I am enjoying again. I hope it's not that far away. 2011 is not a good year for me, and if i extrapolate this trend, I guess it'll last for the whole 2011. Just hope I can get my career started soon and hope I can find ways to really enjoy life.

Everyone dies, but not everyone live a life like they should. I am definitely wasting my one and only life.

Love or leave me alone.

2011-05-27T19:08:00.002+02:00

She called. Then She smsed. Wonder what is the purpose. Perhaps just wanna keep in touch. Wanna be friends. I appreciate that. But on all the people in this world, she should know better how difficult it is for me to be friends again in such a short time. If she have no feelings, perhaps its better to stay out of my way. Leave me alone and let me recover. Stop making me getting excited over something and the next thing is I have to realize it's just an illusion.

Wonders

2011-05-27T17:23:00.002+02:00

I don't know how to describe my feeling today. But definitely not a positive one. I won't lie to anybody including myself. I am just not doing fine. Everywhere I go in Singapore, everything I do its just filled with memories. I am not taking it easily. I am trying to move but I just can't take even a step. I just wonder how she can move on so easily. I just wonder if she still have flashbacks on those sweet moments as often as I do. I just wonder if she ever missed this relationship. I know I shouldn't think of this anymore. But I am just sad. How did a 10 years relationship ended so drastically and everything just vanish. Maybe i'm just too much of an emotional guy. Perhaps I'm just too free these days. I need a job ASAP.

It bleeds, but it must be done

2011-05-26T19:37:00.002+02:00

I am still not quite progressing with my recovery, but I guess I am excused since this is only the first week. Maybe when I start to work, then things will go faster. That's another issue actually. Wonder if I am able to get a job soon.

Singapore meant alot to me eventhough I've only stayed here for a short 1 year time. I have also left singapore approximately 1 year and nothing really changed. I went to NTU today and yesterday. Today I manage to meet up with my Professor and we had a good chat. He gave me slight hopes about helping me to forward resume and propose a PhD program for me but I have to apply immediately because the deadline is already past. Well, given a short time and seriously not quite interested in doing more research, I turned down his offer. I've also signed up for a campus interview next week and hopefully things goes well. I will try to find a part time job mean time.

Its not my main topic to talk about Jobs. I felt very emotional when I was in NTU, and then Jurong Point. I have lots of bittersweet memories in Jurong Point. Especially when things didn't change, I just felt so much at every corner I am there. I know it is gone. In NTU, I used to stay back and fight on the phone at certain spots. These spots are just so clear in my mind as if it is still happening. Then the MRT of course. On Saturday I am attending my friend's wedding near to City Hall MRT where Suntec City and Esplanade is. Next week I am going to Vivo city for movie. These are the places that gave me lots of sweet memories and I am pretty sure I am going to be very emotional again there. I even wanted to go alone to those places at night to capture some night scene with my DSLR but thinking bout it, it is quite risky as my tears will fall anytime.

There might be a slight chance things might change, but I am not taking it. I look at what have happened the past few months and the life she's living recently, clearly I am not prioritized anymore. I am sorry for being selfish and might end up just being single and alone, but I don't think I can take it if I am not given the love I demand. It is not the same anymore. In fact in this two years, the only sweet time we had was when we are able to spend time together. Other days when we're separated, we're just fighting. Yes it is obvious it can't be sweet all year round, but we're like at extreme ends. Either sweet or fight.

I even start to wonder, am I in love with her or the past. Each time we got back, things are just so much different that until a point we can't tolerate with each other. It seems like this is happening over and over again.

Believe me, I really wanted all those sweet memories to happen again. I really wanted this relationship to work again. But day after day, observation after observation, it seems things are slowly fading away. I guess its time to pull out the dagger from the heart and start moving on no matter how much it will bleed.

"The future is scary, but you can't just run back to the past because it is familiar".

I hope singapore will treat me will, and I hope my career will start soon and give me things to hope for.

Touched Down

2011-05-23T15:15:00.002+02:00

Reached Singapore. As expected, I already start to feel all sorts of emotional attack when I reach back home. Despite expecting all these, it is so overwhelming that I still can't find a way to overcome this emotional blockade. Yeah yeah, time helps, but I am starting to doubt that on me. It's been 3 months and I don't see any progress at all. I didn't try hard enough, or perhaps I am just doing all the wrong things to recover.

I guess it is always like that. When you know the other party is enjoying, and being happy about it, it naturally spurs up the jealousy, the anger or whatever dark feelings. I am 26 and I know I am not suppose to be like that. Why spent so much energy hating somebody who doesn't care about this relationship since long time ago? I guess there's no answer to this question. Only those who've been through will know how hard it is.

Speaking about going through, I have been through this so many times. Yet, everything it hurts as much as the previous.

I guess I feel better when I blog it out. But, it is not a long term solution. I just recall how foolish I was. I fought my way so hard to convince my stubborn parents that she's the one, and left pursuing my career thinking that my relationship is stable. But I guess distance is really a good test and obviously we didn't past this test. Sometimes facebook also show a true color of a person. I think back at what she said last november wondering if she is single while we are together at that time. Yeah explanation have been done, but now i think back it's not even valid. More like excuses. I guess she really felt at that point to be out of the relationship. I was just too foolish to lie to myself to accept all these excuses. Facebook is not called "facebook" for no reason. It's a book where it writes out what is on your face!

The February UK trip was great, only to know that it was great to me but not to her. Now I felt guilty that she have to pretend things are going well during that time. Should have realize, when things aren't going right I just have to face it. Same as this time. I get blamed for not waiting. So what if i wait? things aren't the same anymore anywayz. If the desire is there, she would've contacted me and try to meet me up in Europe. It is a clear indication. No more feelings. Full stop.

As a friend, I should really be happy for her that she's finally smiling and truely enjoying. But I admit, I am just selfish. Now I just feel like cursing. I hope I will get away from this mess soon.

Sux II

2011-05-13T22:24:00.000+02:00

Tomorrow Budapest. My mood today swang from up to down and again the main factor affecting my mood is so inappropriate. I just wonder when I can start to move on. It's like I have never even take one step to move on. I am still stuck in the same position all the time.

I hate people or even myself when the "what if" thingy strike my mind or people tell me about it. Ok so it's now and the future that matters. Unfortunately for me, the what if is hurting me so much whether its my own thinking or people questioning me.

Since the break, I was being victimized, finger pointed and shot by all parties.(except for those who really knew me well) First it was directly from her. It wasn't a break up just in one day. It was a whole week thingy, or strictly speaking it's months. Since months ago before we broke up, things already changed. Then come closer to the week where it happened. Clearly the priority have been mixed up. Then finally some incident ignite the fire. But to be very very crystal clear, it wasn't that incident that causes the break up. The problem has always been there just that the incident make it happen that's all. So what happened that particular week? She sounded so cold and as if there's not much things left for this relationship to be hold on to. Naturally, that means the relationship is fucked despite me being so unwilling to let go. But I guess a normal human with some IQ would know that's the time to back up.

So next thing was I'm sad. Extremely sad. I shouted on facebook bout my sadness, wherever I am. Even when I'm in the office. Then i got screwed up there so innocently. As if it was wrong to shout on my facebook. Erm, the last thing I rememered, it was my own wall. I can't even scribble on my own wall.

Then finally everything was set and done, and I start to tell myself no point shouting. I kept myself low from social network, she called back. But hell, for someone who can be so certain that the feeling wasn't there for months already, and things already changes since months ago, suddenly call u when u're all set and done. Obviously it was just a reaction of anger, hatred, perhaps jealousy and disastisfaction. I wish it wasn't all these. But I have to realize that.

Fast forward to now, two months later, I felt I have just broke up yesterday. It's like having to settle down all over again. I bet when I reached Singapore it would be even worse. Receive an email from her don't even understand a single word she's saying. So what actually made my day happy, honestly it was her previous email saying that she wanted to come to Singapore to find me if I'm there. But the latest email admitting that she's in UK and as my previous post stated, I was pissed about it. Now she said I didn't wait for things to happen. Great.

Despite until now still can't handle the break up and still pretty much thinking bout the relationship, I start to realize I am not that special to her after all. Though among all the boyfriends she had she claimed I'm the most special one, I felt her words are just not strong enough to convince me anymore at this moment. It's just simply because there's no action to support her words. I think back at our relationship, alot of things I didn't achieve with her as fast as she and other guys. I don't think she can really have fun with me compared to other guys. It's like I am Mr. Reliable but not Mr. fun. We have broke up and got back together so many times. Definitely it's not the timing that matters. Even intimacy is far way less comparing me and her previous few. Maybe it's not right to compare with others, but lets just compare me and myself the previous time we patched things up. It was totally different. Did she ever enjoy this relationship? I guess I can only say I felt not at all. Like I said, I'm just the Mr. Realible that's all.

Honestly, my requirements of a girlfriend/wife is kinda simple. She love me, she enjoy spending time with me, she made me felt I'm special and main thing is security. Don't have to be supermodel figure, or angel cutie looks, or rich or whatever. Isn't that so hard?

2011-05-11T18:47:00.002+02:00

Day 2 in Prague. Day 5 of my trip overall. A month ago, I left lots of expectation on this trip. To me it was a trip that brought many meanings. One was some sort of "graduation"trip. A family reunion trip. and a trip for me to release my emoness after what happened last two months.

I didn't quite enjoy as I expected I would be. Mainly because my parents are slow and I have alot of moments when I'm alone. I'm alone and it is always the most dangerous part where I get very emotional. Paris was a romantic city. Prague, a party city. I was never a party guy and never had parties with her but Since the previous time we broke up until we got back together, she was a party girl and all these while I guess my mind haven't stop thinking she is. That's why it reminds me of her so much.

Of course besides that, I've seen lots of couples on the street especially those Asian ones that made me really emotional. I was suppose to be in trip with my family and love one, but it didn't happen. I feel terribly bad that I couldn't find ways to fully enjoy the trip and I felt sorry for my parents who came so far just to face my black grumpy face. I get very impatient even to my parents these days. I guess it hurts so much that I can't recover my emotion everytime I think of it. Two months have past. The first month I took it quite ok. Perhaps it's because I still have friends to hang out and kept myself occupied and during the day time I have work to do. That time I never thought that I am kinda desperate for love. Just don't know why now I feel so much. I didn't wanted to share with my mother because I don't know how to. We never shared these stuff before.

Sigh. Is it really that bad? Why am I so desperate? Why can't I enjoy some single life first? I don't know. Perhaps I felt I am so low confident that I could never get another romance after this. Perhaps I am getting older and also starting to worry about not able to get one later. I see those Asian couples on the street, and i observe that some girls are quite pretty but yet the boyfriend is like fucking ugly. I mean I am never confident about my looks anyway, but if I can say they're ugly, means they're really fucking ugly. BUt they got the girl. I ask myself why I don't? OK besides my looks I think I have lots of quality. I am not a playboy, not those alcoholic, a good guy with big brains and some talents. Why am I not getting it? Shit man. I think girls like bad boys not ppl like me!

Farking Sucky Life

2011-05-09T00:08:00.003+02:00

It is day 3 in Paris. I had so far bittersweet trip here. Well, Paris no doubt is one of the most romantic city. But because of that the bitter part came as well. I was out alone on day 1 night and day 3 night. I felt very emotional till an extend that I lost my mood for a split moment to do anything at all.

I did a stupid move. I sent email to her for no good reason. Well i should have realized that she's gone for good. Me being in paris is quite dangerous, in the sense i get really hurt so easily emotionally. I don't wanna know any updates about her especially now the "phase 2" has just began and i don't know how long i need to recover. I thought I was doing well. But I wasn't at all. In my mind I just imagine the partying/drinking and some other stuff which I'll keep it to myself. I guess all these while this is what I have the mindset. Human change, and perhaps I was holding on to the past too much. Yes its time to move on, on any occasion, but I guess some part of me can't. Perhaps with someone else, I can. I guess its fair to say what I was hoping all these while was already in the past long long time ago.

So I heard that she's in UK. Put aside the jealousy. More like anger. We did so much planning, so much expectation on this trip but it didn't turn out, mainly due to a reason worth sacrificing. It would definitely be the turning point if this trip would have worked out. But it didnt. Not that it matters, but I was so pissed off when I knew that what was "unable" turns out to be "not putting effort". So, the big deal about her in UK is that if she's able to go UK she should've been able to join me for this trip. Truth shown. Its time to realize since long ago the effort wasn't there anymore. How many times I have to be slapped to realize that?

Yeah, I am pissed. But in the end, doesn't matter. Nobody cares. Not that it bring any effects. Not that I have the right anyway. I am nobody. I am just clapping one hand. That's my life as of 8th of May 2011, where I am 26 years old and 1 day!

the real thing

2011-05-03T01:25:00.002+02:00

Well, I am not feeling excited all of sudden when the trip is coming nearer and nearer. I am quite bothered by something, some sort of feelings which I have expected it to happen, but just didn't know how to prepare for it.

I guess when it was over it wasn't really over until now. So all this while I thought I was handling it well, now I start to realize this is the time probably I have to start all over again. I guess it is more difficult and painful than I thought. I know what I should do. Just don't know if I can overcome it easily.

Sigh, trip is coming. After two weeks, then I have to return. that is when the real pain starts.

just sick of myself

2011-05-01T02:13:00.003+02:00

I have moved out from my place on Friday and finally left Reutlingen. 9 months back I was so hoping that this will happen, but now I'm just so numb about everything. It's kinda ironic that human always wish for one thing, and when it happens the desire is no longer there.

I am kinda emotional at this point of life actually. Well I definitely have alot of things to look forward to, but just at the moment I felt like nothing is going well for me. First, I am still unable to secure a job. It is arguably my own problem because I didn't try hard enough. But I had always thought that with a good master degree and good result plus good industrial experience, it should be quite automatic that I get a job. Now, I am really starting to doubt my ability to secure a good job. Then of course it is about relationship. So I have no money, and no girl. I felt I don't even have a clear identity. I am just wondering who am i.

I am staying with Oliver and Nicholas now. Seem to me that everyone is clear what they're really passionate about and it seems they're quite clear of the path they're about to take. Or at least which direction to go to. I am just kinda lost. Trying to find my true self.

Sigh...

The random updates

2011-04-17T10:05:00.003+02:00

Just a lil update bout my situation for those who care. I am doing good so far, with of course some emotional moments from time to time esp. when I'm alone. I had a weird dream ytd, not really a nightmare but just not something so good. When I woke up from it, i felt a lil emotional until now, which is about 1 hour ago. I am feeling a lil slight headache, think after blogging i'll take a short nap first.

My camera is finally here, i mean with my dad now. He decided to buy Canon EOS550D instead of the 1100D because he felt its worth another RM500 investment to have a better camera. I am of course more than thankful to have that and I am so eager to have it in my hands now. The first thing I need to buy in complement to this camera is some extra batteries. Seems like this camera is really power hungry. I think I might go for those 3rd party companies which cost at least 3 times less than the original canon. Other zoom lens, macro lens stuff, lets leave it when I'm more familiar with DSLR.

Shopping list is also up for me. Its time I "reward myself" with some goodies. First off, a backpack. I need it because I don't wanna travel with a sport bag which will damage my shoulder. I am seeking for those not too big, but not too small one. I found one from Deuter, kinda within my budget range. Just afraid its a lil too small. But I guess its good so i can also bring it up as hand carry luggage to the flights. Next is of course a nice cool looking sunnies. Also for the trip at least. How can you not look cool during summer if you're in Europe? I definitely won't get those Ray Ban or Oakley thingy since I am not those kinda guy who fancy wearing sunnies wherever I go. Furthermore, i won't stick to one sunnies for the rest of my life. I don't need those lifetime gurranty super cool looking sunnies. 3rd stuff will be another sweater/jacket. I have bought already a blazer but this blazer seem to be a lil more like party wearing type. Not for general purpose. So, I might go get another one which I can wear for spring here, as well as indoor air-con rooms back in Singapore/Msia. Others, subject to money and lets see what pops up. Definitely the backpack is a must.

Back to reality before shopping. I have a blardy presentation coming up on Thursday. Blardy hate it and its a long story. I normally like presentation especially in English as I get to show my qualities. But this time, its not only that I have no confidence, I dont' even have the motivation to do it. I am already all set to go for the trip then home, but this blardy thing came up. And it didn't even came up because I was oblige to do it, its just some random casual talk and then my supervisor brought it up. Make no mistake, he's still the best supervisor ever. But for this, I really hate him. This remaining two weeks in Reutlingen, I just wanna spend some time walking around the city and settle some stuff. But now I am oblige to prepare for the presentation until Thursday. Friday and nxt monday is public holiday here, so fark i can't do anyhting!

Anyway, back to some emo stuff. I am still thinking bout it from time to time, but not because i wanted to but it just pop up my brain. But I'm leaving it like that. As I said, the more I try to forget the more I'll remember. Its been like 1 month? or more? when we broke, we left a small door for things to happen. But, as i've mentioned in my previous post, its time to evaluate what have been happening in the past 10 years and if it is just repeating like a cycle, that means there's not a way things will work out. We're not getting any younger, time to think bout the future.

Birthday Emo Sky

2011-04-12T00:19:00.002+02:00

Every Monday I felt very emotional after my basketball game. The basketball game was relatively good today. We only have 6 players and we only played 3 on 3 but I was on target today. Had a good sweat and confidence today. But it was the after game that made me emotional. Perhaps its the beautiful sky and the windy not so cold breeze. It made me think alot about life, forward and backwards.

Well, I know it sux to say that I am not recovered yet. I know it also sux to even mention it as that means I'm still thinking about it. But yeah, I rather not lie to myself that I am ok. I am not quite yet. Yes I am handling it much better than the previous time, but doesn't mean anything at all as long as I am still not recovered. Its just easy to remind myself to move on, but its harder that way as I am sort of forcing myself. I guess I'll just leave it natural. Good thing is at least I am still far away. Phase 2 will be the most hurting one, which is the time I am home and more memories will strike me. How do I prepare for it? No idea. I guess it just have to be natural. Perhaps things might happen in the future again, but we've tried so many times and each time it ended up the same. Perhaps we're just not meant to be? We're 26, I guess no point forcing our way. It will only waste more of our time.

So, I spent two paragraph about emo stuff, So I'll stop emo stuff here. Lets talk a little bit about my birthday. As I've mentioned in my previous post, despite still dreaming of having a grand party, I set my hopes low and I know it won't happen. But the good thing about setting hopes low are surprises. On the eve of my birthday, a random BBQ party was called. Well not to celebrate my bday but at least some outings. Nothing much to talk about as just normally BBQ party, with some booze but not much chics lol. As usual I don't drink much, and I ate alot. The only thing worth mentioning was that somebody is kinda skeptical I touched his Ovation guitar which cost him 2000 dollars despite being able to attract some small crowd with some simple song I played. And of course, it seems they're quite noob in setting up fire lol.

My bday, I receive lots of wishes in facebook which I didn't expect as I am quite "inactive". Well I do log in everyday and I do from time to time put some status or comments, but I seldom go and spam ppl's wall or even wishing ppl's bday. But I can't believe I receive overwhelming response from my friends. Thank you for the wishes. The other surprise was that my supervisor bought me a bday card, and a cookbook about the local delicacies. Very special gift. Now I can go back to Singapore/Malaysia and still cook the food here. Another thing was a small shot glass which has the local logo on it. Very great. But the best gift from my supervisor was still the opportunity to do my internship at Bosch.

Actually the best gift overall for my bday is a camera of my choice from my family. My brother and my parents decided to get me a camera and I op for DSLR eventually. The Canon EOS 1100D entry level model. Of course, have to start from the scratch. But well I guess its a good choice no? too bad I can only have that thing when my parents come over. So now I am not with my new toy yet. And its much cheaper to get in Malaysia. That means I have some money to spend because I've save up some for the camera. But not much coz I have to buy air tickets home.

Abit about emotional stuff again. Of course, I receive calls from her as birthday wishes. Something honestly which I expect it to happen. But its clear, I expect it to happen as she cares alot about friends, so I am still one of hers as u count. Its me that find it hard to be friend again as u know, I am the less strong one in relationship.

No more emo stuff. So the Euro trip plan is going quite well with a few more bookings to make and I'm set to go! 5 destination in 2 weeks. The last three is kinda rush, but at least its stil a chance to visit the cities. In overview, 5 days in Paris, 3 days in Prague, 2 in Budapest, 2 in Vienna and 2 in Switzerland before returning to Frankfurt. Its time to start learning DSLR with those nice castle. If not I'll just put Auto and let the cam do the job lol. At Bosch, I am just counting stars. Now I'm kinda free except for one last not important report to do.

I have to start booking on the days after I return this room and before my parents come.

Lost count

2011-04-04T23:20:00.002+02:00

I don't rmb how many days since the incident already. And I did not rapidly update my facebook or my blog, not because I'm so over it, just that I have been trying to keep myself low. Everytime I break up, I listen to sad music and it made me even more sad. This time, I manage to stay away from music and it's been ages since I took out my mp3 player. But no matter how good I resisted, the music just automatically played in my head today as I was on my way back home. Feels kinda emotional.

Well, despite handling much better than the previous time, I am still far from being recovered. I am still pretty much sad despite not showing my emotion in public social networks. Facebook for once has been quite ugly and I just don't want to cause my drama that's all. My birthday is coming up soon, and I am already starting to imagine all da sad stuff that will come. I guess more or less I'll be celebrating my birthday alone and not having any gifts. Facebook will be silent as I don't correspond to many people out there. Despite being 26 soon, I must say I am still having dreams about a grand birthday celebration where everyone crashes my house and have a cool poolside party. Perhaps it's because I never had a extraordinary birthday before in my life. Yeah, call me childish. I know I am for that. Maybe its still not too late. Maybe during my 30th birthday I'll throw something big, if I have the money.

I'm not trying to sound pathetic. Just that I am really upset at the moment thinking about all this. I've not escaped from Phase 1(according to wenni) of break up yet. But I'm definitely in the middle of it. From being cool about it, now that I can slowly feel the effect and the aftermath is slowly fading, I start to point fingers. Yes, I am trying to find fault and blame on something or someone about this. I am so rational and I know what I'm doing is wrong but yet I can't control. I predict phase 1 is not the worse. I guess when everything's over and I'm back, things will be far worse.

Thankfully these few weeks I've been busy with my work. But today I've completed the design part and left documentation. I am just too afraid to face the remaining weeks being so free. I bet I will start to be emotional again easily in the next few days, especially during my birthday.

Anger + X

2011-03-25T17:50:00.002+01:00

To be honest, wasn't a good week for me. To be honest, I had myself motivated because on Tuesday I receive smses which not that special in terms of the content, but it was sms I was hoping for it to arrive. Then my excitement drove me the whole few days, until today I start to realize again, that the person who sent me the sms is already gone from my side. It is hard for me to recover, cause I know myself. I am very serious with my relationship and now it is over, I take it seriously as well. If one day you find me totally being able to let go, its either there's some miracle happen or perhaps I'm dead. But whatever it is, I have to realize that it is over, sooner or later. Just that, it is easy to say, clear what I should do, but just too difficult to execute it.

So besides being sad, I was furious as well. My facebook has turn ugly, being accused of things which are totally the opposite, but I just keep it low. Not that I am lazy to defend myself, but it seems I've been doing that the whole time and the only thing I get is me being childish and always trying to win. Eventually, everyone knows I'm the loser. So what did I win? You tell me. Perhaps you can enlighten me or make me happy by telling me that.

Anyway, its soon coming to the end of March and April, suppose to be one of those months that I totally look forward to, has become now something that I doubt I'll be happy about.

You know, even now we've parted our separate ways, the only thing that kept striking me was how good to have her, and how much she've done for me. I always value the time we've been. Its not even about who's right who's wrong. I've my low times, I've my ridiculous moment, so as everyone. Just felt human being can turn the table around when things turn bad. Now, I am the bad one. And because of that, I'm not suppose to be sad. I am suppose to be the happy one. Right?

Well, just look at who's the one being happy and who's the one being sad. Yes, when I'm writing this post, I'm feeling full of anger, jealousy, hatred, sadness and all the negative feelings. I should let go. If she's happy, I should let go. I bet she is. So, please let go!

Day 7

2011-03-22T19:07:00.002+01:00

Yesterday was really the must hurting day in this two weeks of drama I guess. Eventhough the call was already made last week, but the whole week we've been pulling and pushing each other and just when it seems things might turn around, it ended up over. But yesterday, finally she stop contacting me and I guess she's starting to enjoy life.

I was always looking forward to my weekly monday basketball game. Yesterday however I wasn't even concentrating at all. The worse was my tears nearly drop while I'm still in the game. That was the worst experience in this whole break up story. I purposely left my phone at home the whole day and thought i can look forward to sms or call when i reach home. But I got nothing. Honestly, I know its stupid but i just don't understand how she can claim her regretness and stuff but yet now she don't even show anymore emotion. I guess this is what she really wanted. I should have been happy for her, but I guess me being a human have my degree of selfishness. I hope there will be one day I can be truely happy for her life.

Maybe people wonder why am I the one being sad since at the end it was my decision to call for it. As much as I want it to turn back, I felt this is the best for her. Since some time ago I've already realize we have a great gap between us, and in this two weeks it shows even clearer that she don't value the relationship as how she used to be anymore. Feeling has faded. Despite there's a huge chance of getting back on Sunday, I still turn down. Not because I want to show superiority, but I felt this is a decision she made without really realizing what she really want.

I guess now she's much clearer and I guess she's is on the right track to be happy. Well, for me the past 9 years I've never let go and despite having few breaks before, I can never let go so easily. I know that I am always the loser in this sense. I noe I need a change. But its just at this point so impossible. I don't have something to focus on now and I guess that's why I kept thinking bout the past. As much as good memories can give, I guess that will only be in the past between us.

Well, at least I don't feel so bad today. But I don't deny that inside me I'm still putting some hope. Probably that's why I don't feel emotional today. I predict when I start realizing all hopes are gone, I guess that will be really hurting. I hope I'm prepared for it when that strikes me.

For now I really thank friends and family. They really pull me through from getting even more depressed. Talking to people really helps alot. Thank you all.

Day 5 Official

2011-03-21T00:58:00.002+01:00

Sometimes, it's just hard to describe a particular feeling that I am having. So it's finally really over this time. I just don't understand why I am sorta not allowed to be sad over my decision since its made by me myself. I just made it because it was clear after a long fights and argue on Friday and Saturday. I am not trying to be the winner in all situation, just that I find all I said was just bounced back by saying I'm childish. I don't even think its the matter of being mature or childish anymore. I just felt its difficult to continue that way if a relationship isn't valued that much. I may have been a jerk in the past being such control freak, but I think this time it shows from her side the lack of commitment and relationship priority when our relationship is already on the verge of breaking.

Yes, now she finally wanted to patch things up, which I have been trying to do the whole time this week until I gave up on Friday. I guess its fair to say, when u lose it u realize how important it is. But that is not going to be a long term solution. Imagine what will happen when there's already kids around and after marriage.

Well, now is time to cool off. Now is the time for recovery. But I guess as time goes by, she'll realize perhaps I am not the one she really want. Perhaps now its just because I made the call and I felt sad about it.

I guess from today on, my phone will not ring or sms that often anymore. Honestly, I miss those times. Really. I cherish every moment we had. Godspeed recover is what I need now. By the time I return home, I guess she'll have a wonderful life attached or single. As for me, I have always been the guy who's stuck in the past. So, the only thing that can really make me happy is to get out and start moving forward. This normally can be achieve with a life breakthrough. I hope I will get one.

For now, if you ask me how i felt about things, I am still very very sad, depressed and still trying to find ways to recover, despite calling for it. Hope it won't last.

Day 3 Official

2011-03-19T11:08:00.002+01:00

When a relationship gone bad, its human nature to start pointing fingers. I felt so injustice but just don't know how to put it down here. I mean, I will talk about it, but don't think its easy to express the whole feelings with words.

This relationship starts to fall in recent months. Honestly, I take the blame as it was me who caused that to happen. I was insecure, and I become very control freak, sensitive, and jealous. In a way, I conclude myself as being a jerk. So finally everything crack, and we fight over it. After cooling down, I sincerely apologize to her. I wanted things to work out. But she don't seem keen. But all she gave me was she don't know what to do. I gave her time to think, but she wrote off by saying its not going to work even if i gave time. So in a blitz, she told me that she will hold on, but didn't even show signs that she wanted this anymore. I reckon, I talk nicely to her and I clearly understand it takes time to recover from everything like that. But, she sounded like shit to me, its like stepping the wound between us even more. I still talk nicely, but ended up being labelled as childish.

The other thing I felt injustice about is facebook wall post. I was badly down emotionally, and all I did was sharing in facebook. I might have been posted excessively but hey its my wallpost after all and i'm just being sad ain't? The worse thing was she said that was too much. I was like WTF? Erm its not my game to do comparison, but look at how she usually rant out wall post when we quarrel? How come when she did it, its totally ok but when I do it, I'm childish? Just because I am a guy and she's a girl? oh tell me since when i guy cannot be sad over a break up?

One word to describe, lack of commitment.

I have demands and expectation. But it all came from the same person. I have only been in relationship with one person, and of course all my expectation comes from the same person. But when that person reacted differently, who'd changed?

All I wanted to tell her was that she didn't show that relationship is priority when you need it be in priority. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect her to put everything behind our relationship. Just that since last week itself we were already fighting and the relationship is on the verge of breaking. Instead of settling it first, no she didn't. When I brought this up to her, She tell me relationship is not everything. Perhaps its clear by that time that my assumptions towards her are wrong and i think i can't take it with somebody who doesn't put relationship first when it is needed.

And she just focus on looking good. She's just afraid people will think bad about her if the break up happens. Then it is damn clear she didn't care about this relationship much anymore, she just care about the looks of it. Worse thing I expect her to do is that she went to my parents and tell her about our break up. The purpose was that she's afraid I will tell different story and my mom will hate her. So who's childish here?

U know the worse type of break up is when you have to feel sad, depress and injustice. I still find it hard to take it, and I'm struggling. But I guess thats the best choice.

Day 2 Official

2011-03-17T23:58:00.003+01:00

Today my concentration was way too low in the office. Every 5 mins I stare at the phone. The conversation we had on Wednesday kept circulating my mind. Its like, she didn't want to let go. Yes it made me so happy. But the reason was coz if we break my parents is gonna hate her, n my friends is gonna hate her. The reason why didn't want to hold on, was because I have been ridiculous and really made her pressured. Honestly, in this few days I really thought of it and I realize I have been acting like a jerk. I wish i could change things around. But, this few days her conversation was cold towards me and didn't show signs that she want to hold on with the hope I'll change. She wiped out all possibility by saying i'll only give empty promises as i always do. I guess at this point, it is clear that i am not worth being trusted anymore.

So I thought maybe I should let go if she's happier that way. Yes, I also admit when i told her that, i want to see what is her reaction. If she shows contention to let go and hope I'll still hold on, I can still be positive about things. But all she gave me was that she don't know. Sometimes it doesn't have to say it out loud, i guess this reaction already shows its over.

I was reluctant, I am still very reluctant to let go. Trust me, I am feeling like dying, but by saying this I am assuring you I will not do stupid things don't worry. I thought to reduce my sadness and to speed up my recovery, I should cut all contacts from her first. But I am too weak to withstand it. I burst out, sent emotional sms to her, but I was labelled childish. I guess loving someone, and losing the one u love, and show signs of unwillingness to let go means childish.

Now, I am to be blame for ruining this relationship and not giving chance to turn things around because i changed fb status. I guess everyone knows, facebook status doesn't mean anything at all if things were to turn around at this point. But I guess, things aren't turning around because the feeling is faded, the heart is faded, the will is faded as well.

How much more tears that will fall? How long I need to recover? How and what should I do now?? Its just so difficult for me.

Day 1 official

2011-03-16T17:57:00.004+01:00

I talk about how bad the situation is, and when finally things are over and stuff like that. But in my mind, I was still putting hopes that things are not happening and kept convincing inside myself that it will not happen. But eventually it happen and I guess nobody could ever understand the feeling of that. Until now, its still burning deep but yet i'm still hoping it was just a nightmare and things will turn around in this few days.

Obviously i have to be awake. How to hope for someone who've basically not much feelings left for you to revive a relationship? How to hope for somebody who only wanted to hold on because don't want to be the bad one? Signs that show it is over, means its over. If its a fight, its solvable. If its a miscommunication, its solvable. If its a gap, its solvable. If its feelings dead, goodbye.

Today is officially day 1. How many n days i have to go through this to heal?

Day 2

2011-03-15T21:29:00.002+01:00

I manage to sleep somewhere around 2-3am ytd and manage to wake up on time to office. As I've mentioned, my workload is getting more these days and finally I am given the professional version of the tool i'm using for my design. Took me some time to learn the functionality, but now its up and running, I guess i'll be busy for the next few days. Good thing is, I can get myself to focus on my work at least in the office so i won't get too depressed. However, the emotional feeling still strikes me from time to time no matter where i am. I mean, for the whole past 2 years, its been all about her. Almost everything i do.

As usual, tears still dropping while I am at home. I can't control it. Its like every few mins I got strike by this heartache, and then my tears burst out. I don't think I can ever get through this the way I see it. Just one month ago I was enjoying my time so much, and just 1 week ago, everything seems still going smoothly. I looked back at my V-day gifts, its so wonderful. The words in the card kept popping up my mind. How would i forget?

I also got bad news about jobs, just got rejected by a company in Germany. Right now, i felt really down. I felt I am incapable of almost everything. My life seems to be so ruined at this point. I can't even barely smile.

Aftermath

2011-03-14T23:06:00.002+01:00

Something that took off my mind from dropping tears today, the weekly monday basketball game. Well, I was quite afraid i will get cramp like last time coz I didn't have enough sleep yet playing 5 vs 5 full court basketball. But my time here is running up, so there're not much games left. I want to perform in every game. But sometimes, i felt I think too hard how I should play the game. First half I missed almost all my shots, had 2 air balls, lost passes and clumsy dribbling. And fatigue really strike me fast. after few runs I am already exhausted. Good thing they called for break, and quickly i took two sips of water and continue shooting, trying to get my stroke back. Second half, I played like a pro. I had beautiful assist, i made almost all my shots, few drive to the hoop and one pump fake that brought the best player in the court up in the air and i just dribble past him to score. Was great. Really, the whole 1 1/2 hours I was pretty focus in the game.

Of course, my day didn't ended quite well. When i reach my room, facing the same wall i faced for the past 6 months. I put down my nike bag, and stare at it for a while. This was the bag that mean so much to me. It took me from Singapore and back to KL so frequently, it followed me to every basketball games I have, it followed me to Stuttgart twice, and it followed me to UK which was my top chart trip. I can even sing Eason Chen's song about backpack regarding my nike bag. Again, i just can't control my tears and it felt.

U know, I have been a low self esteem person all the time. But my confidence went sky high, when i'm with her. She's the only one that would know how to appreciate my tiny talents, which are no where if i put myself with even my college mates or class mates. Of course, confidence and ego is just a string thin and anytime it crossed path just like that without realizing it. After sleepless nights and today as well, I admit and realize, sometimes I have been not just confident, but too ego. Sometimes it just too late, yeah its human nature that people only realize when things happen. I know, sometimes I always analyze life as if i'm running simulation on my circuits and try to find reason for everything. Perhaps, i'm brain washed by this way of living a life. Yes, I am pretty much still a passionate, emotional and in some ways romantic guy and i believe i can be proud of that looking at my resume of life and relationship. But I guess, sometimes its just useless to have so much talent, but so much bad habit as well. I need anger management, temper management course. I need to control my emotion and be less emotional about things. I need to pump my confidence, but stay below the ego line. I guess this are part of my life that I haven't much achieve.

As rational as i can be now, i'm still feeling the pain here and there. I guess I don't really understand the feelings of the Japanese yet cause I've never been in their shoes, and so coincidently, the moment the natural disaster strike, bad things strike upon me too. I am really sorry for their loses and also worried of all the aftermath regarding this quake. However, I just have too much aftermath myself to deal with. I just hope 2moro I can last for the whole day in work as now work is getting more serious with some "bosses" wants to use my board design as well. I have to take good consideration of my design now. But I doubt I can pull through the whole day. Last week i barely have 5 hours sleep each day, surviving with coffee. From Saturday till now, i slept only for 5 hours. I'm just really farked up as i just can't sleep even after a tiring basketball game. And its not about the coffee as the coffee effect is long gone. My brain, my heart everything, just seem to function by itself and i'm not able to control it anymore. I'm losing it....real bad.

Day 1

2011-03-14T18:05:00.002+01:00

I woke up earlier than usual, or rather didn't sleep well yesterday i should say. Brush my teeth, get dress and get my hair done, and then left the usual time i left. Before that i checked my mail, and logged on to facebook for a while, but obviously it turns out empty. I walked the usual path to the bus stop just like any other day. Except, my heart is burning, and my eye muscles are trying so hard to hold my tears from dropping in public. In the bus ride, I looked around. Nothing special, but somehow i just felt today is different. I just felt I didn't want to talk to anyone at all. Normally I would hope I meet some friends in the bus as it is the only bus that will stop at Bosch, so sometimes I'll meet some colleagues.

I feel proud of myself at least, I manage to hold my tears in the office before i really burst out after i reached home. Wasn't an easy task trying to act normal. Today's productivity wasn't that bad as I expected, though my concentration drop every 15 mins interval, and that's when i felt like needle poking my heart. In this short pulse interval, suddenly those places around Malaysia and Singapore that I once have good memories, just appeared in my brain. I start to think, how did i pull through this the last time. Well, the least consolation I had last time was that I'm in Europe so i won't be able to see those places for some time. Good for healing. But now, even Europe seems to have full of bittersweet memories. I even get reaction when I see pound sterling symbols. It just hurting, really hurting.

I just wonder what should I do to heal now. This time it really hit me hard. I guess thats normal as this time i brought it to a total different level. Well, the higher I go, the harder I fall. I try to talk to people, and of course most of them didn't know what to tell me. Clear. I always have this problem when somebody approach me and tell me that he/she had a break and i can't say anything back at all. I don't know what i want to hear from people as well, perhaps i just want to share it out. But its so different from last time. I don't have much friends that i can talk to here, plus the time zone, i can't find anyone to talk to really. Its just hurting. Real bad.

I know, this blog is basically dead. I don't expect any readers anyway. But i guess this is the only place where i can share out my feelings, and hope i'll feel a little better.

day 1 still burn as hot as hell. how many days do i need to heal? months? years? centuries?

bleeding

2011-03-14T00:15:00.003+01:00

I'm hurting so badly now and nothing i do seems to stop the "bleeding". I wasn't prepare for this at all, not since long ago. I really don't know what to do now. I can't sleep. I can't be happy. I just can't get myself on the feet. And i can't control my tears. Its been wetting my whole pillow now. I have no mood to do anything at all. When I watch movies I'll remember the time we spent in cinema, when i facebook, i rmb how we exchange msg n post. when i blog, i just rmb how i select which photos to put up. even when i turn on my comp, i just have the tendency to turn on my picasa n browse through those pics, but those pics are like poison to me making my heart hurt even more. I just don't know what else i can do. I stare at the phone every now and then, just to realize nothing is happening there. It hurts, so badly. I look back at July last year, we set a goal. Short term, and when everything's over it's going to be real bright. It is not happening. I am going to break down soon. I just can't help crying and crying. Just six more weeks to go. its never reaching.

The call.....

2011-03-13T22:59:00.002+01:00

today is theoretically the saddest day of my life, at least until now. Next week I will have another sad week and Saturday will be the Ultimatum. For 10 years on and off, it is just sad that it has to come to this point where she's confuse about our relationship. For once I was so firm about it, almost certain nothing will happen to this relationship. I guess it will definitely add to one sacrifice I have to make for being in Germany instead of staying back in Singapore. As the end comes, my verdict towards choosing Germany is becoming less bright. I am always trying hard to defend my decision, but in the end i guess there are more sacrifice made than gain. I lost my social time, I have to pay extra and now in a brink of losing my most precious relationship.

Well, people envy me that I can be with my love one in UK, taking pics of nice buildings and castle. For once I also thought that, but how am I even going to open my photo album now. I don't think I can. Its just gonna make my tears drop pretty madly.

For the past 2 years, it has been all about her. I enjoy watching movies in the cinema, purely because she's beside me. I enjoy driving around because she'll be sitting at the front seat of my car. I enjoy going around having food hunt, purely because she eats like barbarian like i do. I enjoy putting on nice clothings, because i love to impress her, or at least don't look ugly when i'm with her. I just have a long list to go on with this, but the more i type the more my keyboard is gonna get wet.

It will never be that easy for me, eventhough i've been through this. I don't know how long i need this time. 10 years? 100 years? Or maybe 2012 will wipe out the entire human race, or even I survive that 2029 Terminator is gonna kill us all. As for now, I see darkness. I don't see any light anymore. 2011, a year without joy for me so far.

I'm hurting so badly....so badly...........

The change

2011-03-12T20:50:00.002+01:00

Just approximately 1 year ago, I was excited and jumping up and down because I got the internship position in Bosch, Germany. I was excited to come back honestly, and I quickly contact all of my friends that are still around here. Well of course being in such a different area, the excitement didn't live up to expectation. Back in Singapore just before I leave, I was delayed by the document process, which is not such a bad thing at all as I am given some holiday time.

Did I ever mention before that it was one of those greatest moments? I bet I did as I always share great moments. It was kinda boring initially as I thought I have to stay in Singapore in case my presence is needed for any document application. But after 2 weeks, I decided that I desperately want to go home to see my friends and of course, someone special. I had the best two months full of movies outing and dinner or BBQ. I even have two separate trips with Kelsen in Singapore and her immediately after. To conclude, I left Malaysia at my highest peak to Germany.

Then it was disastrous weeks for me as I find it difficult to settle down. I even broke down in tears badly for days as I've been missing the people and fun back home. Until now, I don't think I am quite settled though I have start searching for jobs here. Back then, I was seriously counting days, and hope my time will be over here and go back to what I've left behind before I came.

I guess I have to admit I am being too naive and childish to hope that things didn't change, or change in a positive way. Two months after I am here, I have already felt the changes in someone. But I try to move on as I know I am in a long distance, and I can't expect things to be the same. At least this is what I tried to tell myself, and try to find ways to settle down here too. It is seriously difficult when you're alone and there's not much stuff to do around here. I was depressed and pressured as well initially due to work too.

I don't want to do into details about things despite remember all the bits and pieces crystal clear in my mind. But somewhere in December where I had my two weeks Christmas break and I went north to find my old friends, I already felt the changes and things were just so ruined then. It honestly spoilt my holiday and made me start to wonder alot of things.

Somehow that month was skipped through, and thankfully yet nothing have really happened. Then comes January where things should turn around. She's flying to UK for training, and theoretically it should be better for us as the distance is much closer and gave me the opportunity to meet up after so long. I was freaking damn excited, and I am even more excited when my tickets are confirmed. Though at one point I had also some negative thoughts like maybe she'll feel a little stranger of me after so long didn't meet up. So the day came and I enjoyed the trip pretty much, and straight away this trip went to the top chart of my most enjoyable trip i ever had. Unfortunately, I just gotta realized that I am clapping my own hand. This trip is my top list, but doesn't mean its the top for everybody involve. Well, again I know I am acting childish, but i guess i have every right to be sad.

Just 1 month after the trip and all, things became from bad to worse. Finally I have addressed the main issue out and asked a fairly simple question, but a question that should've been considered seriously since few months back. Despite that, there are quite a number of fights involve, and once again it broke me down into one week full of tears hiding under my blanket on my bed at night. Can u believe a 26 year old male with a Master degree soon still crying like a baby? I don't know anyone else does that though. But I guess I have to start preparing for the worse as I finally get the honest answer. Things changed, and it can just happen without any prior notice. Oh maybe i should take that back, as the prior notice has been there, just that I choose to believe its not true.

I am sorry for the people in Japan, but I predict I'll be crying like a tsunami rain too. Sigh.

The turn

2011-01-15T01:28:00.002+01:00

I'm finally done with my soft bound copy of my thesis. Its ready to be shipped on monday. It's been really a long way I came towards this point. I have lots of experience physically and mentally to share throughout this period of time, as well as some nostalgic feelings. But I guess that would take too much time and effort.

I just browse through some of the old post that I've written in the past. One that really caught my attention today was the post I wrote about being accepted to the Master program that I'm currently pursuing. I remember I applied this twinning program between Singapore and Germany as well as the full time local Singapore program. I got rejected by the local one but at the same time got accepted by this twinning program. Oh well, I did try to find an explanation for it. Since I am being accepted to this twinning which is even "harder" to get in actually because the admission board is at both NTU as well as TUM. For those who might not know TUM, it is one of the most elite Unversity in Germany and I think it's ranked around 50 over in the world. So I thought if it's not due to my qualification, it must be that the NTU admission board didn't quite understand the performance evaluation of my German bachelor degree. Since our grading starts from 1 being the best and 5 being the worse, with lots of step in between, I guess its understandable. But as time goes by, I start to feel there's this hidden reason behind my acceptance. Perhaps they hope that I'll join the twinning program because the fees are significantly higher and they can charge more? Or perhaps due to the program being relatively new, they want to have more students. But whatever reason it might be, I definitely benefit from this program. I'll explain a little below.

First of all, I will soon have a Master degree that have both logo from NTU and TUM, one of Asia's finest and one of Europe's finest degree. 2ndly, my grades are significantly good. If I can score well in my thesis, I'll most likely be in the range of the "1st class" portion. I'll go a lil deeper in this. We have lectures from NTU and TUM of course. And they'll do a conversion between the standard CGPA and the German ECTS credit system automatically for all the subjects regardless of where it is from. If you looked up in the internet, it is a fact that the ECTS system is somewhat higher standard because exams are generally harder. So in simple terms, to get a 1.0 in TUM is like u must have at least a brain power of a quad core processor. However, since my average in all my exams consists of grades from TUM as well as NTU, I'm now in the position of around 1.3. As long as my thesis don't go astray, I'll maintain between 1.0 - 2.0 grade. That's like superb! In other words, its the easy way out for me lol.

Anyway whatever grade I'll get, the main thing is I'm smelling the degree already. I suppose nothing will go wrong now. So I should be officially graduating this July. Great! Its time to reload my shotgun and start hunting for job. I still remember the feeling of finishing my bachelor thesis 2 year ago but that time was more intensified because it took quite a bit of delay and i was really relief to know it was over.

Well, 1 year living in Singapore and now back in Germany for about 5 1/2 months already. It was really a mixed feeling thingy. I had quite a lot of experience in both places. Despite the similarity between both countries in terms of technological and financial advancement, both countries have very different pace of lifestyle. In Singapore, I eventually get so used to walking so freaking fast and always try to be the first person to get up the bus. In Germany, it was the total opposite, although I'm so used to walking fast. My colleagues and friends around here couldn't bare with my speed.

I would love to talk some bout the highlights in both places as well as down moments. Sadly, I'm really not in a mood to do so. Just recently I felt there's a change of fate. Things really changed now. All I can say is that my decision to come back here in Germany brings lots of experiences as well as some sacrifices. I couldn't weigh which one is more, simply because the price I've paid was quite big. But well, if I have to be optimistic about it, I can only remind myself that my experience in Bosch will definitely decorate my resume to be more beautiful.

Notice that I've mentioned alot about new year's review and resolution, but only did and stopped at part 1. Partially, I'm lazy to move on with part 2 and 3. The other reason is just simply I don't have the motivation to it anymore.

Another long boring post.

2011 Wish List

2010-12-29T22:38:00.004+01:00

Congrats to the Malaysian team for winning the AFF cup. I always love criticizing the under performed Malaysian team in all sports on world class stages, doesn't matter if it's ASEAN or world wide. Deep down in me, I still support them whenever they show hopes of winning it. Of course, No sportsman should've been awarded a title no matter what stage they won. Sports and politics should be separated by clean line.

Back to what I want to talk about. New year is coming real soon and the resolution post will be hopefully done either on the eve or next year. This post, its about gadgets and stuffs that i wish to have by end of next year. Well, I'm almost graduating already and hopefully my job hunt will be a smooth one. Doesn't matter where I end up working, I suppose I will have a salary that allows me to spend one way or the other. Else I'd save up for these target anywayz. Lets begin.

1. Facial Treatment
Crucial for me. Don't need to look handsome, just want to get rid of my pimples thats all. Facial can cost quite a bit, perhaps around few thousand ringgit?

2. Dental "face lift"
Its been a while I've been to a dental clinic and I know I have some ugly teeth and some unhealthy ones that I need a clean up. Estimated also around few thousand I guess.

3. Camera
Will not wipe out the possibility of DSLR, but would prefer those such as Panasonic GF-1 or the one from Sony. Another few thousand?

4. Ipad --- Competitors
My host had a collection of apple products and one of them is an Ipad. Of course I find it kinda cool and it was kinda interactive as we played Need for Speed together with him using Iphone and me using Ipad. I personally would prefer to play games with real hardcore processing machine like the console or PC, but it would be kinda fun if you host somebody and just let them play this kinda games with just tilting the device left or right. Know what i mean? Nothing against Apple though but I always felt Apple is charging too much for the amount of specs they put in and the limited programmability. Apple apps are cool and large variety of it, but nah I don't fancy those. I fancy the hardware and the ability to customize much more than what apple restricted. ASUS EEE tablet is one of those that I think might have a great potential.

5. Windows phone 7 based Smartphones
Again, why no iphone? again same reason as above. Limited hardware resources but charged a high price plus limited programmability. I fancy the idea of smartphones and being an electronic majored engineer, I understand quite abit of the inside and hence, i am not a big fan of iphone. Please, understand me. I don't hate apple, just prefer value for money gadgets.

6. IEM Earphones
My Shure is going to Kaputt totally. In fact its no longer pleasant to use it anymore as the cable is kinda loose now. So its time for a replacement. Ultimate Ears, Shure, Klipsch, Etymotic, erm what else? Whichever that sound nice. This should be the cheapest among the wish list. Say around 100Euro?

7. HD Media Player.
Assuming I have somehow a flat panel, doesn't matter if its Plasma or LCD or LED or 3D. Doesn't matter how many inch (minimum 25" la....at least a computer monitor). So, I would have a big collection of HD movies in a digital format. Of course I need an encoder to play it. I'm eyeing on the Western Digital one. Say around RM800?

8. Membership to a sports club
I don't know where I'd be working so I don't know what kinda sports club I'm talking here. But definitely it must have a swimming pool, sauna, basketball court or badminton or football or tennis. Gym is an added advantage, with instructor that would be icing on the cake.

9. Semi-acoustic Guitar & Lessons
Yes I might be a little old and I already have a guitar. But I'm still so damn interested in it and still have huge enthusiasm for improvement. WHy not a better guitar and lessons? Yamaha would do, but I don't mind Fender or Ibanez or others.

10. Powerful Desktop
Partially for games, partially for multimedia. Mainly as my working station. Why da hell do i need such powerful then? Of course, it would be an advantage if i can play all kinds of game with it and when i talk about computer, I do multi tasking. I like connecting multiple screens. Strictly speaking, I don't want just a desktop but a command center unit! Hmmm this....wonder how much it cost???

Well, it will change from time to time. and obviously I can't afford all by end of next year. Perhaps, the first 2 is my priority and the earphones too. Lets see how much of those I could afford.

Christmas season

2010-12-27T10:59:00.003+01:00

I told myself no matter what I have to write a new year's review and resolution but now its not the time yet I suppose. Well, I think I should update myself regarding the things I've done this few days and some parts of my emotional experience.

As some of you might know, I am back in the area where I did my Bachelor degree. The journey was really one of its kind, never experienced that before. The flight was cancelled due to heavy snow hence the shut down of the airport. No one to blame for that, as its caused by the weather. But what leaves us frustrated was that there was only one counter open for the refund or alternative routes, and the few person before me took damn long to settle their stuff and i'm not very sure what are they demanding about. It was kinda lucky for us since we're travelling within germany and so we are able to get complementary train tickets. Personally I prefer to travel via train within the nation as I don't have to go through all those hectic procedure to check in 1 hour earlier and travel to airport etc etc. So it was great for me to get the train.

So I manage to reach Duesseldorf safe and sound. I was really suprised to see such a thick snow covering the streets and the rail track. Was one of its kind and never in my 4 years I've seen such snow. No wonder they close the airport. It was also a mess for the trains as there were delays and train cancellation due to the blockade of the tracks.

On the good side, I had a good Christmas. On that day itself, we had a pot luck party involving some Malaysian students from the senior batch to the latest freshies. Of course, I was the Si Si Si Senior among them haha. On one hand I was kinda envy that they had such big community now compare to my time where I was the only one with the braveheart to come alone here. On the other side, I'm glad that the network is finally expanding and it would be great for the next few generation of Malaysian students here. It was one of those party where we never drank alcohol, suits me alot. We drank those alcohol free beer from Edinger and Becks. We had great food such as Duck a la Oranje, Mui Choi Kau yok, Bak ki, shrimps with corn, char kuey tiao, curry chicken, mix vege and dessert like Tiramisu, fruit cocktail and some spanish pudding. Then we had some chat and lots of singing. It was the first time I touched the guitar in this year I suppose and I'm surprised I still have the knack for that. Partially it was the guitar. Yamaha semi acoustic, very beautiful sound and the strings were easy to press. There were another two or three guy who can also play guitar and we were just having fun jamming. I think if i had such big bunch of Malaysian friends during my studies, it would have been more fun. But it was a great experience for me too anyway during my time. I'm glad to meet up with some old friends of mine.

Thats all for now!

the magic mirror

2010-12-06T23:37:00.003+01:00

Was about to update last week until something really stupid came up that took my time away. Oh well, long story and all i can say is I'll be hell busy again and so i guess i'll update less. Perhaps when i have the mood, i'll talk about it.

Anywayz, after missing last week's basketball, this week resumes. It was a great game but today was like kinda less people. we played 3 on 4, and I was on the 3 side. As usual, game started slow for me, as i missed simple lay up which i can close my eyes and do few years back. Since we are playing fullcourt, they also agree that we're not allowed to shoot the ball from outside the paint unless it's a 3pt shot. My outside shooting today was good but too bad they have that rule lol. But still, despite being the handicap team, we put up a show. Mainly because in our team, there's like this guy who can run all over the court and he's tall and fast. He always gets the steal. Another guy who can shoot n dribble towards the court. While me, I was on fire today, not just outside shooting but penetrating the net. I did moves like double clutches though it looks ugly, and i went reverse lay up, no look pass and the highlight was one fast break moment. I was dribbling down the court, and it was a 2 on 1 situation. I saw my teammate open, and usually i'll pass to him. But i decided to go all the way myself. As soon as i get closer to the rim, the defender came over to me. I spin the ball behind my back, acting as if i'm gonna pass. Then the defender hop to my teammate, and at that instant I spin the ball back my waist, and lay it up. 2 points!!! that was the thing of the day! Everyone was cheering for that. It was my first time too that I manage to do those tricks in a real game against somebody who's larger and knows basketball.

Well, i like to talk big about myself recently, but u know me well. Deep inside me, i just felt like I'm a tiny man. NO balls! Really. I always felt I'm smooth because when I'm on I can joke and talk. But recently my lameness really disappear and each time i see the mirror of my blardy bombarded pimple face, I really felt so low. Is there anyway to look good without having good looks? Teach me please.

I guess all for now.

The El Clasico

2010-11-29T23:16:00.003+01:00

today I skipped BBA for many reasons. Certainly weather is one of it. But the consolation was that I get to watched the El Clasico. I feel sorry for Mourinho, such a highly anticipated game turn ugly. Barca don't just play like a team, they act like a team too. Proven when Ronal-f**kingdo pushed the manager Pep. While losing 3 or 4 up, things turn really ugly. Really bad losers. I pity Messi, been hamburgered, sandwiched, squashed. Poor thing. Real Losers! But, being much of a Barca supporter in this match, 5 goals with lots of action and fight, was great to watch. Haven't been watching such high standard football since the Germany Argentina and England match. I missed out on MU's 7-1 crush game.

Recently I've been really moody and emotional. In office, there are some guys with their typical thinking, really show obvious signs that they don't like Aliens like us walking around their office. One of them is a group leader, driving a BMW. Looks very typical German, act like one too. Oh well, he better get used to it as I will be in the office for another 5 months anyway. I'm really gladful to have a supervisor that doesn't give much pressure on me, and always encourage me to attend important things in the office. As intern, we're not required but he always wanted me to attend all the group and department meetings. Last Wed I was late and i missed it, but I was told he apologized to the whole group for my absence. Erm, I'm just a trainee guy there. Right now, I'm doing my thesis and I'm not even consider as an employee anymore. I am now a fulltime student with the permission to use their facilities. Erm, to clarify further, an intern is consider as an employee, with fixed working hours to fulfill and "allowance". Whereas for Thesis student, we're not required to work for certain hours and our monthly pay is consider as a grant for fulfilling our Thesis in a company. they judge based on the academic level how much to give, and divide it by how many months I'll be here.

Back to Bosch. Erm, yes despite virtually having high hopes from my supervisor for me to stay, unfortunately he's not the person with the power to hire. One "hidden" rule is that, you have to speak fluent German on top of English. I'd be honest, I have been far much quieter while I'm in office, mainly due to the language barrier. I can speak German, and can quite understand well, but I'd say my level is just around 3-4 out of 10. Barely enough to survive in a high quality company. Perhaps u might think, there's not much need of an engineer to speak, wrong! Most of the job posted requires great communication skill as our projects are always between departments to departments. Even my thesis, the layout are done by layout experts. My task is to instruct the experts how I want it to be done, and that requires a great communication skills. I was lucky enough that the layout expert dealing with my project is doing his training as he works for Bosch India and speaks only English. The indian style of course.

So, as much as I would love to have a few more years of experience in Bosch, I doubt my chances. I've submitted my papers for the career day this Saturday, but receive no official invitation from them. That means, I'm uninvited to go. Too bad. But I am quite optimistic that by the time I grad, jobs will be waiting for me. With a Master Degree from one of the best in Asia and Europe, plus a great deal of experience in Bosch, I believe jobs will come to me in a great economy condition. Just hope no recession during that time. As much as I felt being capable of doing a PhD, I think i'll leave the head damage aside. I'm really looking forward for all these academic stuff to end. I am honestly a lil sick of studying, though i know it's a neve ending cycle.

Anyway, to end this post. I'd just have to say....It's already the end of 4th Month I'm here, and another 5 to go. Hooray! Erm, deadline will be the week before Christmas for my Design, and things are going quite well at the moment. Then, it will be my Christmas break with some of my old friends in Duisburg. Yeah! Looking forward.

Sorrowness of Life.

2010-11-22T22:40:00.003+01:00

It really cheer me up while reading the short comments regarding toothbrush and baseball bat. Luckily they both haven't seen my joystick yet. so can't compare mine lol.

Jiwang is back. I've never been using this word since the post where u can find jiwang. Should I explain it again? Nah, I guess those who read will understand anywayz.

First, lets talk about the small little BBA I had, which is a routine Monday thingy. BBA stands for Bosch Basketball Association. Today, we are short of 2 players but still play 4 on 4 full court. My legs till now are shivering, after such tiring game. Initially all went wrong, My shots either didn't reach the basket all was just blocked. It lasted like that for almost half hour. Finally they call for break. While they have their small little chat, I took the ball and keep shooting. Finally found my rhythm again. It was woop, swoosh, dong dong swoosh and the highlight of my game was the fancy no look behind my back alley oop pass. If that guy were a little taller, I think he'll tear the rim apart already lol.

Now the negative from the game. I believe basketball is called contact sports for a reason right? The whole game, I never called a foul because I want the game to flow. I had been fouled few times, especially a small guy like me trying to penetrate the zone with those big guys inside. But I choose to keep quiet. Just let the game flow aint? NO. Every small click of the hand, FOUL. Before you even know what's happening, FOUL. This is really boring. Don't like it at all. C'mon, some even have their arm bigger than my thigh, GDI! But overall it was still quite enjoyable.

Now the emo part comes. As u know, I have to walk home after games n today was extremely long journey home as I was feeling so tired. But I had lots of flashbacks. It was dark of course, little cars flowing around. I used to be some night crawler too. I am different night crawler, as in I am not those who club or hang late and become drunken Master. But I rmb, since I have my freedom, I hang out in mamak till late night, go for pool games, basketball sometimes with the BASEBALL BAT i remember in Puchong, of course with the TOOTHBRUSH too lol. Even my holidays in Malaysia everytime I came back during summer, I had lots of great memories just hanging out in the mamak or simply watching movies. It's different now. I know, I am always those guy who's always in second gear and dragging. But, I really felt so nostalgic about it. Nobody is willing to have some midnight bball anymore, or just sit down talking to u for 4 hours in a mosquito heaven place. It's either everyone gets too bored and decided to go home, or everyone rather go drink and get drunk. Like I said, I've nothing against people who drink. I do like to have 1 or 2 just for a chill, but I don't prefer. I know clearly I don't have the DNA of alcohol too anywayz. Can't drink much.

One thing I like about Germany is that, if you are with the right person, whether its winter summer or whatever, you enjoy just sitting outside the park, feeling the cold breeze and stare at the beautiful star studded sky. It doesn't have to be a romantic one. I remember having those moments with my Malaysian friends, guys mostly. I guess its fair to say, we all come from a long way, and we knew exactly how it is to be in a foreign land, while all our close ones are back home. Sadly, I am just too alone here I can't find myself enjoying. Seriously, don't question my ability to make friends, its really the people around me aren't clicking. Perhaps u can accuse me for being too picky, but I wouldn't force myself on things I don't really like. At least I still have my Autobahn internet, and can still watch movies and stuff. Not bad at all.

Life, is like living in a dream within a dream.

shadow

2010-11-20T21:49:00.002+01:00

It's already the final part of November, but i can say i am still hung over the great holidays i had in May - July, as well as some magical moments throughout my time in Singapore. Since I was 19, I have to say I am always doing things alone, living life myself. Not that I have no friends, in fact I am so glad I do have real friends, because i don't think i am able to walk down the road being really alone. What I mean alone, is that I am always apart from family and friends. I made new friends of course, but sometimes it's not just so easy to move along.

People who know me, they will think I have a strong mentality and principles. I don't get easily influence by people. Even I used to think that way. But recently, I start re-evaluating myself. I realize I am far worse than I thought. Sometimes when you're always alone, walking the streets yourself, you tend to have more time to think about stuffs. Especially when there's this cold breeze blowing through your face, makes you wake up from dreams.

I always thought I have my own character. It's my personality. I don't mind being the minority. In fact in many situations I am the minority. But now i realize, I am trying hard to be someone. The someone is not just one person, it's a little bit of everyone. In another words, I think I've messed up my whole character building stuff. I might be trained as an engineer, who's suppose to be brilliant in new ideas. Unfortunately, I am not those brilliant engineers. I am good at bring pieces from other people's work and stuff it together to create something i called new. But this ain't new right? Just like my "unique" character i was once proud of. Now i realize, my so called unique, is just bits and pieces of other people's work. I am walking not just behind one person's shadow, i am walking behind alot of people's shadow.

I am nobody.

Version X

2010-11-17T22:26:00.004+01:00

After writing my previous post, I spent some time actually reading back on those blogs that I've written. Its good as it traces me back to the things i've done in the past. I think I should write more so that it is easier for me to refer back to what i've done next time. But as again, it is mood dependent. So i guess its on and off thingy here.

Well, i'm not quite done with the wonders of human being. I have a colleague who asked me, what is the most important sports in Malaysia? I answer him, badminton. My explanation was that badminton did earn some fame for the Malaysians, and there are not much other sports that bring such international fame to Malaysia than that. I mean, even our beloved olympic silver medalist "earns" his Dato through this sports aint? But i told him if you talk about popularity, i think it is football. Everybody loves football, whether they can play or not. Right? So that makes it popular. So he replied, Malaysia don't even have a international stage football team. Yes undeniable. But as i understand my english pretty well, importance and popularity are define in such as given in my example. right? or?

I guess perhaps i should mention some discrepencies in communication or understanding everytime i blog. I meet different ppl everytime in my life, and of course i have the benefit of meeting quite number of people from around the globe. But, I'd say you don't need that. U see all kinda "weird" behaviour that you can never understand from our own country anyway. Even worse, sometimes u don't even know the person close to you like you always do. So what more to a foreigner?

Philosophies again. Yeah I am an engineer. BORING is my profession. So bare with me.

just some updates of myself. 3 1/2 month since Im here. Weather change from where i depart, 35 degrees sunny, to nice 25 sunny cold air in August, and slowly now its rainy and around 0 degress with the sun hiding at 4pm already. Lifestyle wise, terrible. Lonely. Bored. Emotional and very quiet. Work wise, fantastic. Company is great, project I'm doing is great, definitely gained huge experience.

Things I enjoyed here. Internet speed. It's not Autobahn yet, but it is definitely better than North South Highway. Regular basketball, indoor and good facilities. I don't even get much of those back home nowadays eventhough it's freaking sunny weather suitable for outdoor games all year round. Reason? you know i know. But bad thing is, some guys they're huge, but they can't even bare minor stuff such as a slight hit on the hand, or step on foot stuff like that. Other that, it's the changing room. They are used to being fully naked, with the thing dangling around chatting during shower and stuff. I of course still pretty "Asian" in this sense. Well, not that I don't have the "Quality", just shy. But of course, can't compare la. u can't take a tooth brush and compare it with a baseball bat lol. Basically nothing much else i enjoy here.

Yes it sounds pathetic and no it is not really so. As i always mentioned in blogs and fb and everywhere else, it's not the location that matters. It's the company. You can have hell a great time if u have bunch of buddies that click like errr....click. Whatever. Get it? I did enjoy alot when I was in Duisburg, with those bunch of lamos around, though it wasn't easy either. Trust me, nothing beats home minus the politics.

Thats me......

Again disclaimer. Blogs are blogs. please respect the blogger and the bloggee. u like what u see, good. perhaps some lovely feedback. U dun like what u see, u can take this piece of shit, and scramble like a scramble egg. but don't blame me for any offensive feelings.

Wonders of human being

2010-11-15T23:28:00.003+01:00

I think we can debate about the right definition of "common sense" and it will never end. Everyone view common sense in such different way. Oh well, since it has to be brought up in this post, we shall make a standard definition of common sense, like the Si unit. Lets say we say, common sense means everyone who's normal should have thought of it. And now it is defined, it is time to speak about the wonders of human being.

What would you do for example, if you know that your knowledge on a particular aspect is weak and you meet up with an expert? Nobody is perfect of course, but if I were in this situation, I will try to listen to his/her advice and think if it makes sense or not. Unless I am confident what the person says is wrong, I will normally take the advice. Common sense right? It gets me really frustrated when I am clearly better and knowing what I am saying, but some people just think they're more superior. Fuck!

I have nothing against people who drink for pleasure. I mean, I personally don't prefer drinking, but alcohol is just a drink, right? Its like some people likes apple soda over apple juice. But some people, just drink alot until they get hangovers and they complain about how suffering it is. Some drink like mad, got drunk but deny of getting overboard. My question, why on earth people do so? where's the common sense? I know I am the minority in this case. But sorry i can't accept this so called "common drinking sense"!

What happen when u constantly get cheated, doesn't matter if its your love or money? Or perhaps i should ask something else. What happen if you have felt down many times from somewhere high up? My common sense tells me that I will be hugely afraid of the things that cause some damage in my life. I guess thats where phobias are developed in some ways isnt it? NO. I know some people who thinks the other way round. Mana common sense itu???

we can't please everybody. Yes it is clear. So if you have to choose who to please, how would you choose? My common sense will remind me that I will choose the people that means alot to me. My buddys for example, or my family or my love ones. But to some, situation comes and they are even confuse who really means alot to me? Ask yourself when you face such situation, are you able to distinguish who really matters to you? Ok my fault. In such case, there're no common sense anymore. Fuck!

I can go on and on about the wonders of my life, because I am some part the majority, some in minority and that sometimes contradict with other people's way of defining common sense. Whatever. It makes me sick of some parts in my life.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for anybody who link themselves in one of those mentioned above, or felt offended. If you think you are offended, means you probably commited one of those among others mentioned above. So go fuck yourself if u feel offended.

I miss Singapore

2010-08-15T20:53:00.002+02:00

When I woke up this morning, everything was as usual. The sun was shining, wind was blowing, even the temperature was not too low today. Suddenly I realize that I am in Germany! Not in Singapore! I really miss my life in Singapore, though it's only 10 months there. I stayed with my uncle, in a private condo and it is quite beautiful. just across the condo is the MRT station, and it takes me to basically everywhere I want to go. about 5 mins walk it's the hawker center and shops. Right opposite to it, there's a stadium with indoor badminton courts. That is what I call a life!

Well, I do complain the selfishness and the busyness of Singapore. To be honest, I find the Germans more "friendly" compare to Asians. Of course you get a better response if you try to speak to them in German. But it is understandable. You would feel more "home" when somebody speaks your dialect or language.

Germany is well known for their transportation too. Yes indeed, the train system here is superbly connected, like a spider web or WWW. But if you're living in a small town, it is not the case. My place the only public transport is bus and during weekends, it comes only every half hour. At least it has a schedule and it follows the timing quite accurately. I have never complained about public transport system especially when I come from Malaysia. No doubt. Just that, Singapore is doing a much better job when it comes to rural area. I guess the size of the country does matter too, not just the brains.

I was emotional today. I suddenly felt like I want to go down from 19 floor, walk 5 minutes and have chicken rice with gizzard. I suddenly felt I want to play badminton, or basketball. I suddenly felt like taking MRT to Chinatown and have the German sausage, although I'm in Germany now. It's just so nostalgic having those moments and I really miss it.

I still remember darling came over to visit me during valentines day week. She kept it so secretly, that she pretend she's busy working in KL and on Friday where she was travelling in the bus, she acted as if she have a meeting and therefore wasn't able to email me. That day I still remember I had outing with Sj4pians at night in Chinatown. Suddenly I receive call from her saying that she's now in Harbourfront. What a surprise! I love her so much. Now I am missing her so much.

I guess it was never easy when u're lonely here and all your close ones are far away from u, especially with a time gap in between.

The Observations

2010-08-14T20:55:00.002+02:00

A few obvious observation that obviously obvious to everyone. First of all, the fastest thing on earth is time, not light. Time passes so freaking damn fast that you don't even notice it. It is already the end of my 2nd week here in Germany. However I am still feeling the moments of those days before I left, as if it just happened yesterday. Weekdays passes even much faster. I guess when u are at a routine time will shoot much faster. Next week on, I will be getting more focus into my task and it would be difficult. I guess, time would have past even faster then.

2nd observation, technology factor. I realize, not just here but while I was in Singapore as well, that the higher your status or rank in your field, you tend to simpler gadgets. Use phone as example. I am surrounded by professors and top experienced engineer who took part in designing chips for mobile phone, and should be very very advance technologically. But, no! They use primitive phone which basically can sms and call thats about it. Wonder why. Don't they appreciate their effort, or it's just a trend. I guess, it's true when you at that high level, you don't really need so much function. You have manpower to do the job for you such as managing your schedule and stuff. A quote from my manager during our coffee break :-

"THE HIGHER YOUR STATUS, THE SIMPLER YOUR CALCULATOR IS...."

Haha how true. We use matlab, while he use scientific calculator. I think the CEO uses only hand to calculate lol.

3rd observation, the language barrier. Despite being in an international company, I still pretty much work in a very German atmosphere and the only thing in English I encounter is when I talk to my supervisor regarding technical stuff. Well, they don't mind that I speak English of course, and I could understand them around 60% - 70% on average, but it's still different. I felt like I am so mute now, no more the talkative me. Its stupid when I claim in my Resume that I can speak so many language. I think there should be a more accurate way to calculate the language you're able to speak. I felt my actual proficiency in languages are around 3.3 lol. 3.3 means I basically can speak around 3 and 1/3 languages and how I calculate it? I take the average of the language I'm able to speak with some scale (e.g. English 0.9, German 0.3).

Yeah boring.....

U-boy

2010-08-10T21:38:00.004+02:00

I was never somebody with confidence. Despite having a relatively good performance academically so far, I still feel that I don't belong to this field that I am studying. It's not just studies that I felt incompetent, in many other fields too. We speak about sports, I am good in basketball and badminton, yet I know I am below average players. Talent perhaps? I can play guitar but still a noob. Computer stuff? Yeah, basic photoshop and some basic hardware knowledge. On the outside, looks? that would be a close zero. body? two pairs of guitar(ribs) and a big heavy bass drums(tummy). So, what else am I good at? Basically nothing.

I am in a big company as an intern. I am still doubtful how did I get in here. I guess probably it's because of the phone interview, and I manage to scribble through the conversation despite not very fundamentally strong with my theories. Work experience? I have none. Pure academic CV. Now, I am a total noobie!

Lets talk about contribution to the society. I am 25 years old, at least 80% of my friends at this age are already earning some bucks, starting to pay off study debts, or started investments. Me? I am still draining my parent's money, and will be for another while more.

Maybe looking at a smaller circle. Among me and my close ones. I recall, throughout the past 1 1/2 years, I have spend only 30% or 40% of the total amount me and my gf spent. She treat me more meals, bought me more stuff. I somehow feel I am a leech, and I seriously don't feel good about it.

Okay, maybe money talks aren't quite interesting. How bout mental and emotional? I am a nomad. I was never settled at one place. I still remember patching things up with her last year April, and had a superb wonderful time till July. Then, I left her in tears as I have to leave to Singapore. I do visit home once a while, and she does visit me too. But counting the days we have vs the days we visit each other, it's probably 1/100 or more. Furthermore, I was never there by her side whenever she needed me. Then, I was there to have a such a wonderful 2 months holiday in June and July, now left her alone again back there and this time I am 10000km away from her for at least the next 9 months, without even the probability to visit each other often. Especially during critical moments, I was never there.

Forgive me for being pessimistic, but things would never be the same anymore after all these, despite surviving. Gap is porportional to time and distance. The longer it drags, the further the gap is. Don't even think of advising me to look at the future side. I hate the word future. Future is like a dream, where you can architect anything you want, but doesn't mean it will be true. Talk to me bout present times unless you come from the future.

I have no qualities of being somebody's boyfriend.

Sigh......Not so much invented for life, but incepted for life i guess!

To be the Bosch

2010-08-09T21:14:00.002+02:00

Well since I'm not that Emo today, I will blog about my work environment. To intro abit, In my life I have worked for 4 different parties before. First my parents. Haha kinda unofficial work. I have worked part time in a Law firm, which i do almost everything except a lawyer's job. Then Fraunhofer Institute, though one of the renowned research institute in Germany, but I can say I was kinda slack over there. Then now Bosch.

Okay before I talk about Bosch, let me talk about work. Erm, just to clarify first, I am only an intern student despite calling this work. Now working life. First of all, very systematic. I have been actively using Microsoft Outlook now, which I've never do so in my life. Normally when I install Microsoft Office that bundles together with Outlook, I'll just remove it. I prefer to check my mails via internet page. I never had my own organizer or calander anywayz eventhough I am using a business phone. Now, even invitation to have an ice-cream from my supervisor is done using Outlook Calender. Same goes to Basketball with colleagues, or meeting one on one with my supervisor despite him sitting just next to me. I never felt so organized before. Oh but well, it's total different thing when I come home haha. I have to keep reminding myself what to do next. But good thing is that Windows 7 comes with the sticky notes which is quite useful.

Alright, now Bosch. Well despite still being kinda Alien in the office, I like the environment of Bosch. I tend to feel that they're some sorta CIA or FBI lol. First day itself I was given a short brief on security while working. Everything inside is confidential, we're not even allowed to take pictures of anything inside. Oh well I guess that's how the big firms do their stuff. Then, every software is protected and apparently I still can't log in to the WWW yet from my office as my account hasn't been approved. I have to log out of my screen whenever I go toilet or get a coffee. I am not suppose to bring anything in or out of Bosch without permission. Every email i send to the outside world has to be encrypted, and each person is given their personal encryption key. But of course, I have never used my company email yet as I don't deal with customers.

Despite having super tight security especially to the outside world, internally everything is kinda slack. Me and my colleagues are free to do whatever we want, of course about work la. So far I don't feel any stress or pressure yet, despite being very super noob in the office. Man, their like super engineers, seems to know everything, every programming language, every EDA tools and even their theory are super strong. I am just a noobie! I love the European working culture too. I need to fulfill 35 hours per week (actually it's 38.5 per week since they automatically deduct 45 mins from my daily working hours). But it's up to me to plan how I want to work. Basically I can work 10 hours a day and then take off on Friday. But of course, since I'm under supervision and only an intern, i can't just take leave like that. I am however allowed to if I have a reason. Right now I have 4.5 extra hours from the last week as I work quite long hours. Another thing bout them is coffee. Average we take about 1 1/2 hours of coffee break time, on top of our normal lunch hour. Despite being so slack, why are they so top of the world? One word - Efficient!

About me. I am given a workspace of course with a stationed laptop with a TFT monitor, only a 15 inch one. My startup will be on Windows based, but connected remotely to Linux based server. I work on Matlab so far and I will be working on Cadence Schematic/Layout Design soon, as well as Verilog modelling and it will all on Linux. I am a total noob in Linux, so i guess it's time to learn. My thesis will be mainly on Delta-Sigma Analog-to-Digital Converters, from system to subsystem to transistor level. Difficult but interesting stuff. Mainly for Automotive application.

Well, language is still a barrier for me despite having some basics in German. So its still hard for me to survive in the company thus far. I hope things will get better soon.

Invented for Life!

It stretches

2010-08-08T19:51:00.003+02:00

I have removed the music player as i guess it's kinda annoying and i'm not updating it. Bare with me as I will be very emo these few days. I am still quite emo today. It is my second Sunday here in Germany already. Well, I am still not sure if I should be happy as time passes fast. If you look from the back, yes time is passing real fast, but looking ahead it's still so long to go!

I guess I have an explanation why it is so difficult for me to settle down this time compare to last time. First of all, since I graduated in 2009, I have been having a relatively great time back home and in Singapore. I guess I was kinda spoilt already and I couldn't find the strength to be strong here like how I did last time. Maybe I'm too old for this shit. I guess last time I was young and dynamic, always wanted to experience new things and want to prove myself. Now, I guess all I want is just to settle down somewhere and have a life.

I am still missing home as I type this post so much. I just received news, regarding an ex-classmate whose father passed away. It sparked up my tears as I start to think about my parents. I don't know how they're doing and I really miss them. I know I won't be able to see them for the next 9 months and it is quite painful to know that. I never felt that way when I was in Singapore. I used to think that regardless of Singapore or Germany, it is the same as it is long distance. I guess now I was wrong. It does make a significant impact on me, emotionally.

I need strength, I really do. I am freaking 25 years old but I feel I wasn't as strong as I was in 19. I feel like a big baby now. So much for a promising future career path and so much for being look up to. I guess even I couldn't look up to myself now. I face the mirror everyday morning and I just wonder where is my courage. Yes I realize my problem is just a tiny small one. But still hurts like a bee sting and it's poisoning me, making me numb.

I guess if I am able to survive this well, and get good results from this internship/thesis, I would have a superb bright career future, but I don't dare to look so forward yet. I am still stuck in the past. I really miss Malaysia and Singapore at the moment.

C'mon Doug, be a man...!

First blood....

2010-08-07T19:46:00.002+02:00

One week since I am in Germany for the 2nd time. If i have to describe the feeling in one sentence, I would say it was far more difficult than the first time I was here emotionally. Way back in January this year where most of our classmates were looking for an internship/thesis attachment, I decided to be different by looking further west, mainly Germany. At that time of course most companies are just recovering from recession and it was difficult.

I was lucky, or perhaps my German background, that I was called up for an interview with Franhofer Institute in Germany. I had a great feeling about the interview despite being a little bit slumber here and there, but I didn't get it in the end. I remember that I was kinda disappointed as my hopes were high, and that week itself darling came to visit me and I nearly screw up the whole trip. Then came 2 offer from Singapore, which is not really an offer. It is more like them looking for people to fill up their empty seats. I got one of the position which basically doesn't gives me the thing I want. Despite being quite reluctant, I have to take since no other offer came.

Out of no where at the end of April, I got this offer from Bosch, Germany. I was so excited as Bosch is pretty well known and the project was very interesting. I am excited to go back to Germany again. I have made so much sacrifice, and effort just to get to Germany. I have also spent unnecessary expenses just because I am coming back here.

So now I am finally here, and I was and still quite depressed. Last week was a disaster, I cried almost everyday while thinking of the time i spent in Malaysia/Singapore. I had such a wonderful 2 months holiday back home. Maybe just too wonderful that I have forgotten all my engineering enthusiasm and just felt maybe I am kinda sick of technical stuff. Although I seldom cry now, but I am still quite emotional whenever I am not doing anything and I am alone. I am always alone for now since I don't have any friends around here yet other than my colleagues. They are of course not here during weekends and even their here, it's not so clicking especially due to language barrier.

Anyway, I guess it will be back to me and bloggie again for the near future. So I guess I would update more often this time.

I would like to end this post with a dedication to my dearest baby. She have been extremely wonderful in my life. During the two months, despite also having some down times, the overall outcome was just so great. She did alot for me throughout the two months and also my preparation for Germany. She bought me some necessities knowing that i need it here. I don't know how she felt, but to me the greatest highlight of the whole holiday was finally the acceptance and the meeting of my parents. It has always been a burden to me but finally it has been resolve. She was also the one that gave me strength to hold on to my feet and move forward during my first few days in Germany. She called me and sms me eventhough it's blardy damn expensive just to make sure I am okay. She emailed me and gave me words of encouragement which is just priceless. I am finally able to be okay especially when I'm in office, and I really thank her alot. I know it's just promises now, but i guaranty that I will love her more and treat her better in the future, give her all that she needs and all the she wants!

the updates of updates

2010-05-27T18:06:00.003+02:00

I guess I have left this place dead again. Anyway, I really lack enthusiasm in blogging recently. Not that I've been xbusy but just no mood to blog. But I will from time to time share my updates and emotions here.

I wanna write about Universal Studio, but I'll leave that to the next post.

Rather, I'll sum up some updates here.

I have finished all my technical modules and left one non-technical module which is on this Saturday. But, as I've mentioned, it doesn't weight much to my total GPA and the exam only takes up 30% of the course, hence I'm not too concerned bout it. Overall, grades aren't too bad and still a few pending results. Just hope i don't screw them up.

Well, the good news first. I have officially been accepted to conduct my internship/thesis with Bosch in Reutlingen, Germany. I don't think I need to intro about Bosch, as everybody knows the company. Yeah the one making drills. Right now my only concern is the visa and hopefully nothing screws me up. I can't tell much about the benefits I'm gonna get, kinda confidential, but i can say Bosch treats even foreigners really damn good!

That's for the good side. The not-so-good side is that, my days in Singapore are almost over for the time being. Been here almost 10 months, and have lots of nostalgic moments and Singapore in general gave me a really good time overall. Read carefully, Singapore as in the country, still have some negatives towards the people here though I have some "good native friends". Shouldn't talk much about them though, some eyes are looking at this post.

Anyway, the Singapore experience. I still remember my first day was kinda screwed up. I took a cheap bus down, and was kinda conned by the bus driver. I don't blame him, i just blame my noobness. I was told to stop at the Singapore immigration as my uncle will come and take me, but i was so tired i slept and when i woke up I asked the bus driver if it's already singapore. He told me yeah yeah! So i took my luggage down and scanned through the passport check, and then called my uncle. Then only to find out that I'm still in Johor, blardy hell! The last time i came to singapore was 2005, and i forgotten we have to go thru 2 customs! lol. wat a way to start!

Then we were scared off by our program director, as he shows the statistics of failure in the past, and some killer subjects, and the intensiveness of this course. And at that moment, I was seriously feared off. You can't blame me for the fear though, as we malaysians are told that the Singapore education standard is super duper high. Additionally, it is a twinning program between Singapore and TUM, one of Germany's elite Uni in Applied Science and Engineering. and then the course started around august. just a few days later, 1 quit the course. Lol! are you shivering already?? lolx!!! that's how i felt and i'm afraid i will be the weakest in class knowing that my classmates are all elite students or experienced worker. One from Intel 3 years exp in US, one 9 years Digital IC Designer, one few years exp in Avago(HP), one already obtained an MBA, and whole list of them. Among the 30 students who enrolled in my class, I guess I'm the only one that graduates from an unknown University in Germany.

Now it came to an end, only 25 students left in my class. And I'm quite at the top average among them though. Felt surprised? I felt surprised too. Let me tell u the reason. NTU standard is pretty low compared to Germany. I don't know if it's higher than Malaysia or not as I've never been into any local uni, but definitely easy to pass. Another reason is that, those who were in the industry before find it difficult to switch back to study mode, especially that the course is running at a fast pace, i.e. 2 weeks lectures, then followed by exam. Of course, other reason do count but if i mention those, you people will think I'm too cocky. But as a matter of fact, I'm just giving my humble judgement. Anyway whatever! My main point is that, some group of people seem strong in the outside, but are actually weak! Some hypocrites in my class, some selfish gangs, and overall sux! The most humble guy in my class is an indonesian and he's the smartest of all i felt. So conclusion is, quality people are humble.

Anyway I still have to work hard for some of those subjects. I remember staying in campus till 11pm everyday in the library or lab just to complete my studies or lab work. I remember we had to pack some canteen food and eat on the bench outside the classroom because the canteen is super packed. Those were the days and i hope it will be behind me from now on.

I have too much to talk about the 10 months here in Singapore. I can't simply type and type as I'm losing my "stamina" too. Anyway, the main part that really made me happy was my baby T's visit to Singapore. The first time was when She came down for Christmas. We went Orchard, Suntec City, Esplanade, City Hall, Raffles Place, Chinese Garden, and many more. Took loads of pictures and was a super damn good trip. It was also our first real trip together overseas. The second visit was a surprise one. She totally caught me about it. She kept it so tight that I can't even feel she's hiding this trip from me. On a Friday night when I was in Chinatown with my college friends having our pre-CNY gathering, suddenly she called and told me that she's reaching soon. I was like, c'mon don't joke with me, and then the happy ending - she was really in Singapore. She got me a padini sling bag, and made me a wonderful valentines card too. We had tony romas for dinner, but this time we didn't tour much. 3rd time visit was in March, and we went to Sentosa Island as our main agenda. Went to the underwater world, and cruise around the beach, was great! I always wanted to walk along the beach with her. The last visit was 2 weeks ago, and we went Universal Studio, which i will post it up soon.

Now that i'm leaving Singapore "soon", I really kinda miss what Singapore have gave me. Maybe I'll do a summary of Singapore soon, again soon. Yeah when i have the mood!

Way back into love.

2010-04-15T15:49:00.003+02:00

Exam is over. Now, provided i pass every subject, I am left with only one subject, which will commence next week, for another 3 weeks. Then I'm done with all the exams! I mean those technical subject, while there're still some cross discipline module that have to be completed. One of them will be 2moro, but those ar the so-called "bochap" subjects.

Anyway, it was pretty much a boring night for me as exam was over and yet i have nothing to do. No sports, no new movies to watch, and sick of games. I spent most of my time chatting in MSN.

well, facebook is a place where people share their feeling, pass their free time, keep in touch with long lost friends and a place to post up those freaking old school pictures. I was the victim recently where Jason posted up some of those nerdy harry-potter style glasses look which is kinda nice actually to have those flashbacks. But i had much more flashbacks after looking at those pics.

It's obviously related to baby. I freshly remember how we started as it happened during this time around 9 years back. We were in form 4, and we did rancangan membaca together along with another 2 friend. I was surprised that she remembered my bday, and she actually got me a bday present. one and only. well, hard to believe but actually i already had feelings for her for quite a long time, just din't bother to tell anybody except Kel. As there were too many important dates around that period, i prefer to say that it didn't start on a specific day, rather a specific week. but officially, we prefer to have 9th april as our anniversary day, as it was the day where i confessed my feelings for her. But i was quite an idiot to tell her that i was just confessing, but have no intention. Just wanna let her know how i feel. I lied to her. 3 days after, I asked her to be my girlfriend. and the answer was yes. hahhaa..happiest day of my life, at least one of it. The weirdest thing i ever did that day was, saying "thank u thank u" when she agreed to be my gf. She was like, why thank her? she didn't do anything hahaha. Yeah, weird. No more thank u. SUch a geek!

yeah that's bout the beginning of the love story....sweet....

D-day

2010-04-06T15:46:00.008+02:00

Valentine came early this year, so as my bday. I took a trip back to KL as it's a public holiday for Good Friday in Singapore. Well, 4 days is relatively short, especially on Saturday I went with parents to pay respect to my late grandfather and uncle in Melacca. So there goes half day, and smoke was all over me. Well, I didn't want to waste my time in KL so I was driving like 140km/h average on the journey back.

Nth much to eleborate about the ching ming. I wanna talk about my birthday celebration.

The best gift, and the most beautiful gift, is spending time with my baby

I reached home on thursday night and we had our worse Sushi Zanmai ever since we became regular. Nth to talk about, no pictures either as it wasn't great. The great meal was on Friday. and Thank God it's Friday, so we dine in TGI's Friday in Gardens, midvalley.

Initially our plan was to go to the Korean BBQ House for Bday, but we have a movie to catch so we decided to dine in Midvalley. I was so blur that darling suggested "beer ribeye" and i heard "deer ribeye" Huh? waddahell is deer ribeye lolx. Anyway, food was good. the Beer Ribeye rate 8/10 from my view. Darling's fish wasn't that great though. As for dessert, we went to Paddington's House of Pancake for a nice pancake meal. Great!
Some pics for appreciation.

Then we went on to watch Clash of Titans 3D in Signature Gardens Premier Class. First time in that cinema which wasn't such a pleasant experience and the movie wasn't that great though. Maybe it wasn't meant for 3D.

Here's Mr. and Mrs. Doug in action! lolx

We still manage to get to Korean BBQ House though the next day. Food was good, with Gabriel and newbie Jessie joined us for the meal. Great Company, and had a good laugh. The boss was funny, and it's where we learnt that the sheep escaped, the pig is pregnant and Gabe's crocodile is shy lolx.

After the meal, it's not over yet as Sheng Wa, Dave and Lloyd joined us for starbucks hangout. It's my fave Starbucks outlet in SS2. Gabe treat us all a drink with his Starbucks voucher and that's my Birthday gift from him. Thanks Bro. Jessie, which i knew only that day gave me black forest cake slice for my bday. Thank u...appreciate it.

Thats all for the weekend. As for my birthday gift from darling, it's a real special one. And I love it so much. It's a facial wash set as she know I always lack of confidence due to my face condition. She got me those from Face Shop, and I love it so much. She's such a caring person, OMG I'm so in love with her. She's the best thing ever happen to me.

Silent Mode

2010-04-05T15:54:00.002+02:00

Its really getting on my nerve already. From my classmates to the strangers, everybody just annoy me with this. THE SILENT MODE!!! More precisely, is the under-use of silent mode of the cellphone. Look, we as engineers spent so much effort to design the ultimate "silent mode" with vibration so that users don't have to turn off their phone yet not disturbing the people around in places where silence is gold. For example when u're in a bus where most of us would love to have a nice peaceful sleep, and u can contact whoever via sms and all u need is just an effortless act to keep ur phone silent. For nokia(and i believe for other as well), all u need to do is hold ur hash key for 3 seconds and wallaaaa, it's silent. Hey idiots!!! Do u know the vibration come from a transformer inside ur phone which is few times the size of the core of the phone, which is the microcontroller. without the transformer, your phone can even be the size of your thumb idiot!!! so, please appreciate the vibration mode and silent mode by using it appropriately!!!

It's just so annoying, same as some of my classmates, who themselves are engineers but just don't know how to turn to silent mode during classes. It's not accidentally or what, this people just so inconsiderate!!

Thats it, my goal now is to invent a silent mode detector, and install them on places like bus or cinema. It detects devices which are not in silence, and send an intensify signal to the phone, and when the power of the signal is so great and keep amplifying, it will heat up the battery and eventually blow the phone up! If the phone owner is lucky, he'll just have to buy a new phone. If not, RIP!!!! FUCK!!!! I AM SICK OF U!!! DON"T MESS WITH ENGINEERS!

Armotec 700

2010-03-31T15:27:00.002+02:00

It's all about badminton these days for me in Singapore. Just like the good old days in Kuen Cheng Primary Skul. well after going thru a 12 years cycle I am slowly discovering my badminton passion and form again.

Today I had a 1 hour game and it was a sudden plan to have badminton. I was kinda lucky to be able to book a court last minute though only 1 hour slot left. And it was such a rush as we finish lecture at 3.20pm and only have bout 40 minutes to get home, get my rackets and accessories, and rush to the court. Was late by about 10 minutes but since we're playing singles today so it's not a big deal to lose 10 minutes as we old folks will get tired in no time.

Being there first, I was stretching, and waiting for my friend to arrive. A group of youngsters, in their secondary skul level, wanted to play with me as they spotted a golden opportunity to play despite not having a court. Well initially it was me playing with 2 fellas while the 3rd guy just sat on the bench. When my friend arrive, we played doubles and we won one match lost one. After that it was purely singles and the bencher came in to play.

I stroke with him first, and then we play match. Wow, i discovered that I am way amateur compare to him. The game lasted only around 20 mins and I lost 21-4 21-8. Kena tapao!. Haha, only soon to learn that he represented Singapore before in youth tournaments. I was like woosh!!! No wonder. And he's freaking damn humble! Good kid and he ask for a next game sometime next week. Woosh, cool. this time I am not gonna get beaten with that score.

Of course the scoreline doesn't need to be this way though the outcome will still be the same. I will definitely lose to him but i lost badly because i was in serious fatigue today and still feeling pain on my left knee, not to mention my broken toe nail i got from last few weeks that hasn't fully recovered. Yes, it is an excuse, but i am proud to be a loser as I've lost to someone more talented and energetic.

Badminton Rox!

the money thingy #1

2010-03-30T17:35:00.003+02:00

I guess its impossible to escape from this topic, which is why in the title i put a number 1 there as it will have more on this.

Most of my classmates be it in Germany or in Singapore thinks that i have the money to spend just because I'm abroad. Let me tell u what, those who know me well will know that I'm not rich neither is my family. Both my parents are teachers, which are government servant, which as all of u know in our country the pay is very low. Yes I stayed in a condo, not because my parents want a luxurious life, but due to a series of house break-in and nearly cause the life of my dad, they decided to get a low-cost condominium. But low-cost condominium is not so low cost actually, as have to pay maintainence every month which is not cheap at all. Yes, it doesn't guarantee a better safety, but at least through statistics it is safer than terrace house.

As for the studying aboard part, most of them think my parents have the money since both my bro and I studied abroad. But u must know, my parents sacrifice all their income for our education. As they are teachers and they way they were brought up, the primary priority is education. The dumped all the money in our education, which is why i am still capable of studying in Singapore now. My bro is slightly better as he is smart and hard working, able to reduce the burden by getting scholarship. I am not so capable, and not so hard working but still doing well in my studies to ensure that my parents money are not wasted.

Thats us, so please people change your perspective on me! I am not RICH at all. I do have a couple of "expensive" gadgets such as my earphone and that is because i save up by having less outings and food. I am given a fixed pocket money per month to spend, and i dont spend all as i will save up for all these once in a bluemoon.

Some people don't have the money, but they want to spend on all these. They take from parents, which they over estimated the parent's saving and income. Of course, parents love their kids nowadays that they are just willing to squeeze all their money to buy iphone for their kids. Nothing wrong with loving your kids. But the thing is, by spending on all these luxurious goodies, it will soon develop a habit among the kids. One day, they will have to be independent and then they will start spending in debts.

Car is another issue. I don't blame Malaysians for having the mind set that they need to get a car as soon as they work, and get foreign made car as we know what kinda quality it is to have a local made. Second hand car is even worse. But sometimes, what you need doesn't mean you can have. This is where u have to start thinking of your capabilities. Who wouldn't like to have a conviniency? But the world is like that, like it or not. If you can't afford it why force the way out???

I am not critisizing anyone in particular or what. These are all collection of experience with people around me and their story, from all different ages and different background. Money is always gonna be an issue no matter how rich u are coz u will spend even more when ur rich until u reach ur limit. But just be careful where you spend on. Be aware what you're capable of. I don't think you need an iphone to survive in this world.

short shout

2010-03-30T15:59:00.002+02:00

Muahahahaha, I spend so much time reviving this blog with the new layout and stuff, but i didn't update much lolx...

hahaha and i see spammers are getting more and more these days, well i thank them for spending their time spamming blogs eventhough i noe most of them come from adware and viruses.

anyway this post won't be long either as i just wanna tell u guys that i'm still pretty much alive and living life to the fullest....but of coz now its more like 90% studies and 10% slacking....so nothing much to live life max....

I'll be Back!

Notification

2010-02-28T12:51:00.002+01:00

Just came back from a tiring but great badminton game with uncle. Sigh, I am too old for these shit. Now feel pain everywhere. That's sports btw, no pain no gain.
Just b4 i need to head back to the "Gym" to workout my brain, i decided to spend some time uploading my music player. Well initially i'm not so keen, but i guess it's a good way to express my feelings via music. Don't have any song yet, just one. it's the one where i pasted the lyrics. lol
will update as soon as i finish my exams...

2010-02-27T17:35:00.003+01:00

Well, after the surrogate post, I decided to unveil some of mine in recent weeks. Things ain't going too well for me for the past few weeks. First it's my Analog Design lab assignment. it has been up and down. Lesson learn from this lab, is that you can't get perfect design. My advice as an IC Designer to all of you electronics out there, please don't put your life all on electronics, as they're never perfect though they're pretty advance now. Look at how toyota fall, good example.

Then my internship is kinda still hanging too. I had 2 interview, one which i really hope to get, failed to get and the other one no news yet. But I'm not worried bout it yet as I have still time to apply for one, and many other options throughout the world. Worst case is that i do my internship for free. So not to worry bout that.

As for my relationship, it has been in da downstream since after our pre-valentine celebration. We have been fighting for over small matters and it exploded. Almost killed our relationship. Now have left a big gap in between us. At least it had been settled and now we're in a recovery stage. Hopefully things will get better and nothing goes wrong again. Nevertheless, whatever happen to us or no matter how we curse each other, She's still the sweetest thing on earth. She's still the best thing that ever happen to me.

I was browsing our old pics, and I decided to post this up just to remind both of us that we've came a long long way back, and it would be a waste to throw everything away. More or less 8 years on and off we've been together, man.....thats long. the journey ahead is even longer, so don't give up baby.....

btw, this pic was a collage of our outing during my 2 months return to malaysia during summer 2006. She gets prettier as time goes by....

Surrogates

2010-02-26T16:28:00.002+01:00

I always love to reflect movies with our own life. Of course alot of movie are inspired from our daily life, and some of them are based on true story. Naturally, to attract viewers, movies tend to exaggerate until a certain extend it is just too fake. Nontheless, you can still get some moral from movies.

I bet most of you have watched Surrogates. If you don't, i won't tell you the story as it will be like spoilers. It's a sci-fi and the summary is that people in the future can have their own surrogate, which is like an AI which looks exactly like human, and you sorta control it to do your daily routine. No supernatural power, just human. Of coz the advantage is that you won't get hurt since it's not ur real body.

The settings of surrogate might seem to be somewhere in the future, but i can tell you it's around us already. In fact everyone you see is a surrogate. Nobody is real nowadays. It's no longer a question of whether a person is wearing mask from his/her true identity or not, it's now the matter of how many layers.

Well, from my point of view, this "surrogates" has its bright side too. At least you can use it to camouflage your weaknesses in this cunning and cruel society, where only the strong one survives. As i believe everyone has their weak spot. A strong person is those who are good in hiding their weakness.

But i felt, the ugly truth of coz, is that surrogates has more ugly side than bright side. All those fake smiles, fake promises, fake compliment, it's just ugly and disgusting.

錢錢錢錢- Leo Ku 古巨基

2010-02-25T17:36:00.000+01:00

星星閃天空掛它肯跟你回家
金光閃心中掛它可使你成家
山邊的鮮花多姿多彩你愛嘛
它肯跟你回家你怕硬幣很腥嘛
偏卻需要它
何時才挨完寒酸的身世 (你如何換季)
冇冷氣要靠爛破風扇代替 (nononono……)
情在兩百呎空間發揮但願別逼到下世
要兩老安居需要實際 (請你忍耐到底)
我有野心升職再上位找生計
誰能避免講錢錢啊錢缺錢不可以 (才能活到寫意)
我需要新生活為孩子 (一世也有開支)
還天天洗腦聽了豪宅廣告千次
money 能鼓舞大志 money 會一世相依
勤勞賣力照顧老闆故意加班放棄了玩
金睛火眼關注金價只要未盲
橫財利大那裡算貪到處兼職放棄午
休息不計多與少財路多多可當老闆
講錢錢啊錢難道可天賜看指數飆升百病能醫 (錢會照顧身子)
誰清高不說錢啊錢可搬到公廁
money 誰都說願意 money 名譽靠你去開始
貪多一點炒多一點追多一點渣多一點沽多一點搶多半個仙
爭多一點威多一點奸多一點險多一點賭多一點將分秒變錢
搏殺哪管得太多 (從前未好過) 現在誰斗膽去管我
建立王國無盡擴展大突破
很多人都讚我 (都怕我) 也附和 (要附和)
討教我 (討厭我) 要道賀 (要道賀)
務必要想要將要即要多到比那首富更加多……
講錢因有錢我更加得志 (誰助你去展翅)
我早已愛上數字
(You're such a fool such a such a fool)
財產多多到失去唯一的你 my dear money 回不到上次
lalalalalala…… 停下會掛念那一天
背著面你遂件將衫褲晾遍難遇見
你說我已變到不可一世更說你吻我亦會感到忌畏
然後我吃不到你手藝望著大屋過份美麗
更怕我公司出了問題
我有我孤單焦慮到底留下我獻世
誰能避免講錢錢啊錢缺錢不可以 (原為了更寫意)
我心重千斤卻為銀紙 (如像愛未能買到天意)
誰都知這照妖鏡照出虛構真摯
money 難收買睡意
money 難收買情意
money ……… 會迷惑宗旨

you can't find any better song that describe the world now. Sadly, though i am quite good in enduring the ugly side of life, this issue is one thing i can't really get it.

Btw, if you wanna know my opinion on money, i'll expose it.
Money, to me it's important. One of the top in my priority list, but definitely won't shape the way i live my life.
I prefer to live happily even if I have to sacrifice lots of money. I felt it's a good trade off.

Need for Speed journey

2010-02-18T16:34:00.008+01:00

Well, CNY wasn't much to talk about as this year was quite similar to what was last year, except the tone has been much quieter. I didn't even bother to go for deco snapshots as I am a lil disappointed at it in Melaka.

Anyway, the best part of the trip was the journey to and flo.

Let me define 2 very important parameters(in layman terms) : -
1.) Velocity(Speed) - how fast you are going at a long run.
2.) Acceleration - how fast you can achieve different speed

As you all probably know, my uncle has a Honda Accord EuroR edition, something you probably don't see in Malaysia, but quite a number of it in Singapore. First thing I notice is that the car has 6 gear transmission, but can only rav up to 180km/h according to the speedometer. Hmm, a 2.0 liter sports edition car only @ 180? it's kinda wrong. My Iswaralution can hit 200 max, before engine blow of course.

My uncle decided this time to go slow initially, as he doesn't wanna donate coffee to our Royal Police Department. Of course, there was a lil heavy traffic around Johor area and that adds the reason why he go kinda slow(110km/h). But along the way itself he's been tailgating and cutting left and right for a faster lane.

Then after about half hour stuck in those heavy traffic, then it goes smooth all the way and finally my uncle is fed up staying at his speed. Here we go. from 6th gear down to 3rd gear, the engine bursting sound and the sound of an acceleration. U gotta admit, though it's kinda "family saloon sports edition" Accord EuroR has a great acceleration, though it doesn't not have much of a speed. I would say it's a perfect car for roads in Malaysia and Singapore where u can achieve much in speed but i u can definitely need good acceleration to overtake tortoise kancil which has a big muffler but only fart without speed.

Well it's definitely a honda to look forward too.

The journey back was kinda similar except i manage to sleep half of the journey as i was kinda sick. I woke up only when my uncle starts shifting gears rapidly and overtaking cars. And I was lucky to wake up on time. What stole the show was this black horse

Of coz this picture was taken from google image. The one i saw was far more stylish as it was carbon-fibered body. This car have both acceleration and speed. Judging by the way he breaks, it should be an automatic car. Well of coz most of malaysian luxurious cars are automatic transmission. But u just can't see the effect of an automatic gear at all. It accelerate so smoothly. I was looking at my uncle's meter @ 160km/h but can still see this black horse drifting apart by split of second. About 3-4 seconds later, you can't even see the smoke from this car anymore. It's crazily powerful and fast.

It is now my Number 1 dream car!!

Downfall

2010-02-16T13:21:00.002+01:00

I am blardy hell Moody and sick!

I've been too arrogant of myself these days. I thought I was at the peak of everything, but only to realize that it's just a temporary throne. Now I've been thrown out of it!

Now I'm bearing the pain! I am so so stuck with life at this point.

It's another 2 weeks to exams. I have not completed my lab assignment. I am down with flu and I don't know how healthy I am to study. Damn it. I am emo, real emo!

I want to get something, but i just cant afford it!!!

Life

2010-02-13T05:35:00.003+01:00

How do you measure success? What is success? Success in what?
Chicken or Egg, Egg or Chicken, scientific explanation? or philosophical explanation?

There are questions and questions surrounding us, and some questions are always in running in circles, where the head is the tail and vice versa. So, now, is there a way to quantify those? Is there an absolute yes or no to those?

I like this so called "matrix of knowledge". It splits to four parts.

1.) The "known knowns" - which means, the thing that you already know and it's known.
2.) The "known unknowns" - the things that you know it exist, but you just don't know what it is.
3.) The "unknown knowns" - something you don't know but it is there.
4.) The "unknown unknowns" -things that you don't know and you don't even know that you don't know.

lolx, sounds abit difficult. But sadly it's fair to say that most of us are having more "unknowns unknowns". What we know is just so little, that most of the time we set an approximation or confidence level of acceptance.

In digital world, there are in general two values - the "ones" and "zeroes". But as an engineer, we know that there are no "absolute ones" or "absolute zeroes". When i studied science during my younger times, I always think that everything can be proven scientifically has an absolute "yes" or "no". At this Masters level, I start to realize that alot of things around us are just purely an approximation or in other words, a human self-defined "yes" or "no".

So you think it's exactly 4 o clock on 13th February 2010? what is 4 o clock? what is 4? what is o clock? is time absolute??!!!!

Think about it......

The Sweetest thing on earth

2010-02-11T15:02:00.007+01:00

I hate valentine all this years as I don't usually get to celebrate them with anyone special. This year was so different. I had probably one of the best valentines day though it hasn't reach yet.

On a fine Friday evening where I was with SJ4Pians in Chinatown to do a pre-CNY gathering, and while I was busy scooping Tom Yam and Grilled sting ray, suddenly my phone call rings.

*on the phone display -- Terrene Baby*

Me : Yes darling, you're home already?
T : Ya, are you free to talk?
Me : Well I am outside but yeah i guess so. Why?
T : Nothing la, i will ttyl.
Me : No tell me why? Are you Emo?
T : Yeah sort of, but tell you later.
Me : *don't wanna push it too much* Ok dear will call you later.

Around 5 mins later, phone ring again. was abit like aiyo wat again?

Me : Yes darling?
T : Later how you go home?
Me : Erm, MRT lo.
T : which station? change at Outram Park to EW line right?
Me : yeah why?
T : coz i'll be reaching Harbourfront soon.
Me : Darling are you crazy? what are you talking bout??
T : Aiyo, I'm in Singapore la.
Me : haha don't joke.
T : haha surprise!!
Me : ish you arrr *heart melted*, k i will come pick u up. Call me when you reach k?
T : k see u later.

Man, it was the best valentines gift ever! And so I picked her up from Harbourfront and headed back to Chinatown as i wanna meet another friend of mine. After a while, we both went back to my area to have a very good teochew porridge for dinner/supper.

She came with a backpack and a gift. It's the Padini bag that i was eyeing on since before Christmas.

On top of that, she made a valentines card for me. Gosh I love DIY! Oh I mean I love the things that she DIY for me lolx. Take a look at it, isn't the most beautiful thing on earth??!!

And the valentines dinner....TONY ROMAS PORK RiBs and RiBeyes!!

and here's a thank kew kiss for my darling, who put so much effort on it.
I love you.

She's the sweetest thing on earth!!!!

My 2nd Honey

2010-02-11T14:30:00.005+01:00

Since it's my first real post of the comeback, i don't wanna talk about my personal life yet. So I'll just update with my latest precious gadget. Well, it's officially 2 month old already so it's not so new. But yeah I'll still talk about it.

Maybe it's just me being loyal, but I've always trusted Asus when it comes to computing solution. You see i don't support it for no reason. I give the main few, firstly it's a well established brand in IT world. Secondly, It's probably one of the best motherboard manufacturer around. Lastly, it gives 2 years global warranty to all Asus laptop models. Not really on site warranty like dell, but at least you don't have to pay so much extra to get more warranty coverage. And i've used their warranty before in Germany, was pretty satisfied with it. All I did was to fill up some on9 form, and dump my laptop to the nearest post station, within 1 week they deliver it back to my house for a faulty LCD caused by coffee split. How good was that?! They even polish the laptop lolx!!

anyway, some pics...

It's the Asus UL50V.

Here's why I buy it : -
1.) It has 2 core(as it is nowadays)
2.) nvdia Geforce dedicated graphics,
3.)4GB RAM,
4.)500GB HDD
5.)8 pack battery cell, capable up to 8 hours
6.)15.6" screen but only weight 2.2kg(including battery)

for the price of RM3299. How bout that?!
and it has a numpad which suits perfectly for a fast typist like me lolx...
of course, it's quite stylish too.
and of course, it has other features which are quite standard nowadays in the newer models of the laptop.

Well, this kinda specs will cost a bomb a few years back, and you gotta be amazed with how technology grows so rapidly. Of course, thanx to us Electronics Engineers who made this happening. But don't depend too much on technology, as it will also bring you down, just like Toyota now lolx.

Comeback

2010-02-11T09:31:00.003+01:00

First of all, I AM BACK!!!!!

well, it's not a game of quitting and then comeback again, I am no Michael Jordon or Britney Spears. I finally decided to blog again coz some loyal reader of mine requested so. Well, honestly I am not a very confident person and always thought my blog were boring as it serves me more as my personal journey than informative site. But these readers gave me the motivation to continue blogging.

I just can't make a comeback and do nothing right? So here you can see, i have some new layout. I just realized how easy it is to change layout nowadays in blogspot as everything is done automatically. However, it still does require some CSS/HTML knowledge to do some slight editing.

I guess no need to explain anything as most of it remained the same. You can leave comments as usual, or if you don't wanna comment on a specific post, you can leave anything on the chatbox. I was thinking of a music player, but i guess most people come in and will just turn it off. So i don't bother. No fancy ads, no fancy widgets here, just pure words and occasionally some photos.

So, what's next? Will start officially blogging asap.

thanks for all your patients and support.

Happy New Year and Goodbye Douglasology

2009-12-31T14:38:00.002+01:00

Well, traditionally I will do a summary month by month basis of the year's important agenda. But this time, I will not do it. I will just roughly update and summarize my outcome of the year.

Officially, I graduated in December 2008 but my certificate was issued to me only in January, so i can put the first highlight of the year to be my graduation. Overall, I rate Germany's study experience as excellent, not academically, but in terms of life and survival experience. Yes though i have my wonderful moments there, I do admit it's really suffering most of the time, physically mentally and emotionally. But it does make me stronger and wiser!

This year was quite fruity with trips too. just days after i touched down at KLIA, i went to Melacca for CNY celebration with my relatives which was quite good as i've not met them in ages. Since i just touched down, it seems to me that all those local food ar like treasure. Then it was the Kuching trip somewhere around march for a few days to visit my bro. nothing much to do there as it was more like visiting my bro. a few days after that was my Hongkong/Shenzhen/Guangzhou trip. Was quite a good trip and my aunt bought me lots of clothings/shoes. Then there was the Australia trip which wasn't that nice coz my parents are like fighting all the time, but still it's a good experience especially travelling during the peak of H1N1 season. Days after that would be my Melacca trip again but this time with my gf. 2 days but was fun with those food hunt. Then finally Singapore trip which happen not long ago with my gf. well those had my FB would've seen those photos.

The next thing talk about is my future. Well, initially i was a lil peer pressured to find a job as people around me were all working, but i was determined to pursue my dreams too and there i go, and i was accepted to do a joined degree masters program in NTU, alias with TUM of Germany. So far, I've been managing my masters well and still get quite good results although not the best. But after doing masters, i think i'm starting to give up my dreams of doing PhD for several reasons which i'm not gonna mention here.

Well there are more things to talked about but i think i've given the main highlights here. Lastly i would wanna mention the HIGHLIGHT of THE YEAR. I found what i've lost, again. Yes, i know some people would be laughing, but hey we're already at this age. Nothing to laugh about. Every decision we make is for our own interest. I believe true friends will truly understand our decision and would give us full support. It happen around April/May but you can say it wasn't that official a that time. Well i think i better be more straight forward. I found love again, with the most wonderful girl i've ever met. I'm not much of a religious person, but I do believe we're fated together. Of course it took us quite a lil to settle down and finally have a good relationship. Maybe it's too early to say, but i am quite sure she's the one for me, forever.
When we talked about forever, at the age of 24, its no more a kiddy thingy. I have full trust in her, and i am firm that she trusted me too. As i've mentioned once before in my previous post, she's the best thing that ever happen to me, and she'll always be.

and lastly, i mean really lastly, I will take this opportunity to thank all those people who've read my blog constantly, that i will close this blog permanently. Though i've not been updating for months, but i noe there're some of you who visit this blog from time to time to see if there's any update. I'm sorry to disappoint you, and due to some personal reason i've decided to take this move. It's not a temporary thingy, neither it's a move of blogsite. I will still keep this blog going, in case any of you(including myself) want to come and read back on those old posts, but there will not be anymore updates. This blog was really a good companion and have been a good consultant to me especially when I'm emo and lonely, and yes though there're some happy and funny post, most of them as you can see, are those really sad post, which is one of the reason i decided to close it.

So, without saying further, Goodbye to all the readers, goodbye to myself as a writer, and wish every one a HAPPY NEW YEAR.

LEADER?

2009-10-16T17:04:00.003+02:00

haha last post was a more general overview of my life on the surface. Well i wanna get more emotional and get in depth of my updates and mentality.

Well personally, I'm not so much of sadness like how I used to be lolx. I'm quite happy for the past few months especially after i went home for a short visit. I had a wonderful 3 days holiday back home, though nothing out of the norm. But, as you all know, the best entertainment i enjoyed the most is not about the venue, or the things i do, it's more of the company. It's just great to be with the one you desired to be.

Ups n downs happens. Though I've been through quite abit in relationship, and I do consult lots of people when i'm feeling down, but now that my close friend are having a harsh moment, i just don't know what to say to him or how to make him better. Well i hope he's strong and recover soon.

Anyway back with my observation in Singapore. Singaporeans, in general, do lift up the kiasu title. Yes, those that i mix with, they're quite abit of perfectionist and they want everything to work out flawlessly. But you want my honest words? I feel that Malaysians are capable of competing with the local here in many aspect. Of coz, you wonder why our lovely country is still quite far lag behind in many aspects relative to our neighbour. I think the reason is quite obvious and i don't have to mention to you at all.

Anywayz i'm not much of a good position to comment on this issue. My father's 2 sisters are fortune tellers. When I was young, they told me that based on my physical structure of my face and palm, I'll either be a general, or a crook. But either way, I'll be a leader. Honestly I don't trust all this fortune telling thingy, and at least from what i know about my own character, I hate making decisions. I hate carrying responsibilities, I don't like to control people and I am very passive. I was wondering how can it be true. But let me show you the statistics. During primary school, I was selected by surprise as the head of prefect and it was really a controversial decision coz i was those kinda "rascal" prefect along with Julian and others. Many even predicted that I would be fired but who would expect me to reach the highest peak of the hierachy. Yes I was heavily pounded during the last days of my standard six, and i was condemn to the max for being the worse head of prefect coz i didn't perform my task well. During secondary 1 and 2, I was head of librarian and again I was "fired" coz i didn't perform the task well enough. Again the question arose, why was I even selected in the first place? what quality do i have to become the head? Btw, the word "fired" was quoted coz i wasn't actually fired, but i was not allowed to resign as it's their so called policy so i allow them to fire me anyway.

Continue with the statistic, form 4 came and i was somehow the class representative. How and why was i selected, again question. Again I didn't last long actually. From college to Uni and now to postgrad, I didn't hold much position as a leader actually, but everytime there's a group work or assignment, I will naturally be selected as the group leader. First day where i don't even know my coursemates in this postgrad course, i was automatically selected as the class rep. and now it's been about 2 months and i have a couple of group work and till now i'm always the leader of the group, and each time it's a different group member, but nontheless i'm still the group leader.

You get my point? I'm not boosting anything. I'm just wondering why am i always the selected one to be the leader though i don't have the leadership qualities? So base on the statistic, i start to believe in what my aunty said. But I'll not change my mentality, i still stick to the fact that i'm not a leader, never will be...

boring post...

2009-10-12T13:28:00.002+02:00

Woooooooo. This place is left to rust. lolx. Yeah it's been so so so long i update this page. Yeah people have been asking me, am i ever gonna revive this blog or not. Ok first let me apologize for not updating, you can say that i'm busy, or you can say i'm giving an excuse or being busy. up to you how you want to see it.

Anyway this post will be a mix update again, about me, myself and I. So no interesting photos or story.

Man, I don't even know where to start and i'm just crapping to make the post look lengthy. Ok I shall stop crapping and start writing something meaningful.

Ok, my life in Singapore. It's been about 2 months since I'm here. And to be frank, the only place I've been to is around Jurong area, which is where I stay and where my campus is. Obviously the reason would be that during day time weekdays I'll be in campus, during night time I'll spent most of my time in the campus too studying lol. NO, I'M NOT BEING A NERD AGAIN. Just that, this course is pretty difficult, content wise and intensity wise. It's module based, and we focus on one subject at a time. I.e, we have lectures only for one subject consecutively for 2 weeks, and then we'll have a exam on the 3rd week. After that this subject can be thrown to the basket, provided i pass of course. This is where the difficulty is, although only focusing on one subject.

As you all know, or not know, this is a joined-degree program by NTU, ranked 73rd overall now, and TUM, one of the top 3 elite University in Germany, with a history of at least 6 noble prize winners from the Uni. Ok, the numbers are good, but actually to be frank, NTU is not that good in terms of teaching quality actually. There's a rumours saying that NTU will not hire their own PhD grads as Professors there, reason...use your imagination la...TUM, acronym for Technische Universitaet Muenchen, on the other hand, is still very prestigious. Unfortunately, we will not be going to the campus in Munich for any lectures. The course is designed such a way that some of the courses are taught by TUM Professors, and they will make their way to NTU for 2 weeks as guest lecturer. Last 2 weeks, we had the dean of Electrical and Information Technology department Professor Ulf Schlichtmann to teach us Design Methodology and Automation. This module that we're currently doing now, Professor Andreas Heckersdorf is giving us lecture on System on Chip Solution and Architecture. After having 2 modules from NTU prof, and now German Prof, you can see the huge difference in teaching quality. Now that i think back, though my previous Uni wasn't that prestigious in terms of ranking, but we had good quality Professors.

That's about my study life. Other than studying, sports is my main entertainment now. I've been active in badminton again, after so long and i'm slowly regaining my strokes and footwork, though i'm far lag behind if you compare my standard when i was in primary school. I do play basketball too once in a while, and one thing about Singapore is that their sports facility are very very very well maintain, regardless of those public area or private sport complex. The only problem is that, to get a good and cheap badminton court, you have to book very advance. It's quite sad to see that, despite their good facilities, and averagely high standard sports level, you don't get to see Singaporean hitting the limelight in sports world. They're just lag of manpower, and luck i would say lolx.

I will do more update soon, but for now that's about it...

BORING POST....

Doubtful

2009-07-08T21:36:00.006+02:00

As we get older, things are just more complicated. We can always simplify things by ignoring certain factors, but the question is what factors can be omitted, what not. Often we overlooked things, and just because we are in our comfort zone, we just refuse to accept the changes in life.

When it's no more an individual but a couple or group, we can't just think of our own welfare. We have to take consideration of ourselves and the other parties in many aspect. I would say the first thing is value in life. The main factor.

I wish I can get away from all those and be like how it used to be. I want assurance. I don't expect a 100%, as nothing is 100%. We don't know what our future lies, but at least I want to see a clear path ahead, a direction, a way, a route.

I am doubtful, and I am lost. I've lost direction and I've lost grip.

Mix Update

2009-07-07T19:33:00.007+02:00

I just can't let this blog die so I should do some updates more frequently especially that I'm free at the moment. Okayz, here's the deal. I quit my part time job effective 1st July. Since then I've been doing basically quite nothing.

I've been missing out so many updates that I'm not sure where should I start again. I want to talk about my Australia trip but it has been quite some time already and so I guess I'll just forget it. I'll just update whatever i can remember.

Okayz, I've been having a honeymoon period from April and in May. I had 1 of my best birthday ever in 24 years of life, but I'll not tell u the details sorry. The month of June had been the month of fear + war + fatigue. I've been fighting and fighting and fighting but in the end, yes though victory has been achieved, but too many casualties in it that I really don't know if the victory is a well deserved one. Okay, I'm saying it in a metaphor way, so I don't really go into a physical fight or something. In this part I just prefer to be abstract abit, coz I just don't want to expose too many things. All I can say is that, I had a terrible month of June.

July didn't start off good either. The "war" continues and only recently it stops. But I still have some good moments. Well, as much as I am quite part of the "german culture", I tend to like products made of Germany lol. And so, I received a special gift, a surprise gift from someone special. It is one of my favourite fragrance...

The gift consist of Boss by Hugo Boss 100ml Eau de Toilette in a bottle form, a 40ml Eau de Toilette in a "ball" form, a small bottle of portable perfume, and a facial wash. Well I've been eying on this perfume for some time already since I was introduced to it. I actually thought of using up some of my salary from the part time job to get it, but it's still kinda expensive. This gift means so much to me, and i love it.

Despite all the sales going on around, I still didn't get much stuff for myself as I don't have much money. I still have a whole lots of things to shop, but just can't afford. Sigh...

Other than that, hmm there are some bits n pieces of good times I had. I guess I'll just save it up for the next time...

2009-06-23T11:16:00.003+02:00

It's been long since i update. I always have to start with this phrase isn't it? Nah not that I've lost interest in blogging, just don't have the time. I haven't even blog about the Penang trip, not to mention about the recent trip to Australia which wasn't that fun, and gave all of us a fear because of the Influenza A(H1N1). Don't worry coz I have no fever nor flu symptoms during the 10 days period i came back and till now no sign of it, so I'm still quite free from the virus. If I ever (touchwood) had it, it won't be imported case anymore but local transmitted.

Too much I wanna share, but just too limited energy to spit out everything. Just update a lil on my life now. Still doing the part time job in the law firm in Midvalley. Doing clerical/typing job but at the same time learned alot bout the law. Though I would prefer to do have a job related to Engineering, but I know myself that my availability is not so suitable for one. Law is something that I don't really like despite I follow the law quite well, and I know I can't escape from it no matter where I am. My dislike about law is more towards the way things is organized. Not sure how to explain that as I am not a good describer.

I am always dead tired despite only doing this job for less than 2 months and it's only a part time. Most of the time I really missed my Internship/Thesis life in Fraunhofer Insitute, Germany. Though I have much more responsibility there, I felt more relax doing my job there. Why? Because it's my interest. I tend to pay more attention to what I do and therefore more careful. I mean, It's just so easy to set a circuit board on fire, than to burn a piece of contract right? I just love doing all those lab work. Though most of the time I have to really move my brain compare to what I'm doing now, I still love it so much. I love solving mathematical problems rather than arguing or telling someone that they have been summoned to pay money. I love soldering work rather than sending letters or reading Agreement. I love troubleshooting electrical signals rather than finding which Clause or section the defendant have offended in terms of law.

Well that's more or less about my life. I'm just being kinda emotional these days. I've seen changes around me, people around me, and also myself. But I'm a person who's stuck in da past. I just love the old me, the old things around me. I mean, Yes alot of those changes are in a way a positive one, but the very fact that changes happen means, you're no more in your comfort zone. I'm inflexible person. I would just love to stay in my comfort zone. But I can definately handle challenges if I have to face them. Just as an example I learned how to survive in Germany for 4 years. But that is because I was forced to face it. I'm very passive. I have to be pushed to face challenges. Sometimes I just can't take it easy on things despite there's nothing much I can do. I am kinda "overprotecting" myself in a way. I tend to misinterprete words so easily these days, as if I've lost my sense. I felt like a kid now, or rather I am craving so badly to turn back time to be a naive kid again. Yes, I am still naive now, a naive adult loser.

Anywayz I'm quitting my job this month so I would have more time to update. Hopefully I would have the motivation to blog!

2009-05-23T03:49:00.002+02:00

Loooong since i update. Still as busy as usual. Or rather busy during working hours, dead tired and sleepy after that. Now that I'm in office during saturdays and normally bosses don't come so early, I get to blog.

Life seems pretty enjoyable despite the busyness and tiredness throughout the past few weeks. Had some wonderful outings and I know rumors or worse criticism has been circulating around me about myself. Not that I don't care, but all I can say is that human tend to see things on the surface. They judge based on the surface and therefore made conclusion before truly understanding the situation. I believe a wise person, or rather a true friend will understand me and probably change their thoughts on me when they get to know how I feel bout things. Anyway, seems abstract but I'll not go in details.

Recently, I've heard horrible news from friends, newspaper, media etc., such as raping, nude pics taken, murder, slaughter, etc etc. Where is the love?? What's wrong with these people?? I'll talk about the nude pics thingy since the others, I can only pray and hope that these people are brought to a fair justice and hope no more of his will happen. I bet u guys have read bout it in The Star newspaper and someone wrote a letter too saying the same opinion as i have. It's about this gal filing a police report of a threat by her ex-boyfriend to pose up her naked pics on the net if she doesn't pay a "break-up" fees. The question is, Why da hell do u allow someone to take naked pics of yours? I ask this question not just to a boy-gal relationship, but even to married couples. I mean, yes I know we do crazy things and we sometimes go over the limit when we're commited to the other person. We can do almost everything for them to make them happy. But not like that.

It's just the same thing. Alot of them aware of the danger of smoking to themselves and the people around them. But they still smoke. Why? Why do when u know it's harmful? Most of them will say to me that I'll understand them when I face the same stress level as them. Ermmm, there are many other ways to manage stress my dear "friend", and smoking is the last solution in that list. Some will also tell me it's peer pressure or worse, some will say it looks cool. You know why humans are different class of species? Because we have the ability to make our own judgement on things!!! So please don't tell me that you smoke or do other things you don't want to because people around you asked u to do so. If you have your stand, and you are firm with your principles, no one can shake you from doing those. I won't say that I'm a very strong person, but at least in terms of this, I'm good at it. I have never done things that goes against my principles no matter what type of stress or pressure I face. You know how i manage stress till this far? I think of my love ones. I think of the things they prevent me from doing for my own good, eventhough I was lost in contact with them for some time. I do my hobbies to release it, such as blogging, playing guitar, sports. I am not just talking about smoking here but in general to the things that you don't really want to do. Don't do it for whatever reason k? Everything comes with a consequences and sometimes it can be very very bad. Think before you act.

No time for updates, yet...

2009-05-11T19:17:00.004+02:00

Yeah all i can say is that I'm working part time now, but still work from 9-6. I have to go office at 7am in da morning though since my father still have skul. And I normally sleep at 2am in da morning coz i will have a nap right after my dinner except for fridays. it's kinda shitty to do it such a way coz it's unhealthy. Well it's 1.35am now and i better go sleep otherwise i'll need loads of kaffein later today.

I just want to post up the new snow cap i bought which i've been looking for it for damn long time di. I would prefer to have a white one but too bad they don't have. So black will do. For the time being, I'll just present a photo of it taken wif my N70 front camera, and a photoshop version. Yes i know my photoshop skill sux...but watever....i'll be back wif more when i have the time...

Everyone's "Upgraded", I'm not...

2009-04-29T08:08:00.003+02:00

You know one thing I realized after so long I'm back, I observed that our country has upgraded in some sense. Despite still having terrible road condition, there are more fly-overs and highways that are more convenient for us motorist. I've also noticed the significant increase in export cars on the road, even those where i rarely see on the streets last 2 1/2 years ago. Even our very own local cars are improving(in terms of design at least), with the new series of proton and perodua cars. Malls are increasing with more designers franchise. Previously you can only get designer products in Bintang Walk area or KLCC but now you can even get some in The Gardens, Pavilion, and some in 1Utama. Broadband services are much more compatitive these days with P1, Mobile broadband (Maxis, Digi, Celcom), and our pride Streamyx. Although still lag behind, but you can see we're improving. Of course its more than that.

Seeing all those improvements, I felt so proud of my own country. However, I felt that I'm really lost here. I felt that I'm starting to lose pace and kinda lag behind already.

Now even my friends have "upgraded" i felt. Well mostly material wise but also maturity. Well I can't really describe what I meant by upgraded in terms of material, but I'll give example. It's like in da past, they enter SEED shop and we think it's classy. Nowadays, they go Esprit, Zara, Topshop and we think it's classy. Last time we go pizza hut once a while during outings, now we go Italian restaurants for it. Starbucks seems so unaffordable, but now it seems regular. Last time it's Megamall, now it's Gardens. Last time it's Oh! Sushi, now it's Jogoya. Last time it's Casio/Swatch, now it's Titus/Tag Heuer. Last time it's Nokia 3310, now it's Iphone. Last time it's USB stick mp3, now it's Ipod Touch. Many many more....

Of course you would say that most friends are working and therefore have a better purchasing power. But I'm talking about the purchasing mentality not power. I think those stuff are also affordable to some last time, but just that they don't go for it. It's more like mentally upgraded than financially upgraded. I remember saving like mad just to get a swatch watch worth RM199 for my girlfriend during high school and that's like one of those big achievement coz it's freaking damn expensive. Nowadays, RM199 is like "slightly better than no brand" that's all.

Ok enough for the materials. Maturity? We talked about job market. We talked about share markets. We talked about our country in 10 years to come. We talked about possible development and the effects on us. We talked politics in a deeper manner. We talked about travelling in a more sophisicated way. But I just don't seem to blend with them anymore. Obviously it's because I'm not working yet. In fact I'm no where close to working since I'll be doing my masters soon. Even that, my friends who are not in the finance line they can talk about financial stuff, but i can't. I don't even have a single simple finance knowledge. I don't even know what's crossed cheque, bankdraft n stuff. OMG!!!! Dammit!!!

I am so out these days!!!

3 Months after, 3 more months to go

2009-04-26T19:49:00.003+02:00

around 3 months ago on the 23th January, I touched down at KLIA from a long 16 hours flight from Germany. As I fly with another friend, both of us were very excited when we were about to reach KLIA. I had so many plans and also worries at that time I remember. One thing for sure is that I want to enjoy as much as I can because I know that I will not stay for long. Many of those plans didn't work out till this far though, and there are many surprises on the way which i did not expect it to happen.

Well, I just wanna do a highlights summary on those 3 months as I suddenly had a flashback on it. First of all, the board game "Die Siedler von Catan" or "The Settlers of Catan". Now almost everyone around me gets addicted to this game. We've been playing so regularly and it's like some sorta routine di. Seriously those out there that haven't played it, you should try it.

Trips. from Malacca, to Kuching, to Hong Kong, and the recent Penang Trip which I've promised to blog about but still quite lazy to do so. Malacca trip was good because I finally get to meet my relatives after so many years. It was also CNY that time so I really had a good time. Kuching wasn't that great but was good as I get to meet my brother and first time meeting up with his girlfriend. Hong Kong was good in terms of goodies. Bought quite some stuff from there. Penang Trip was the most enjoyable for me this far.

Celebrations. I finally get to celebrate CNY and my Birthday back here. My birthday wasn't a great one but it was kinda special in some ways.

Not to forget the admission letter for masters course. At least I've confirmed when and what my next step would be.

Well I guess that's the highlights of what I've done. I felt great that I get to do so many things, but on the other hand I do felt very lonely and emotional from time to time. I felt that I've already reach the peak of my holiday and I know the next few months wouldnt be anymore pleasant. Emotional problem rises like mad these days and I can tell u sometimes I really can't stand it especially when I'm alone at home. I sometimes wish that none of these ever started although I had very enjoyable moments.

I'm so dried up now. I mean I'm moodless already. Now that I only have 3 months to go, I should enjoy every moment doing things that i want to do before I leave. But I don't have the will and power anymore. I just feel like leaving here as soon as possble. I know I wouldn't be happy either leaving this country, but at least I get to escape all those emo problems I faced here.

I'm stationary

2009-04-25T03:40:00.002+02:00

When changes comes, it does more or less leave a scar on everything. The scar might be a good one, as some would use it as remembrance, but in most cases it would be a hurting one. there's a chinese saying, 凡走过必留下痕迹, which exactly describe what i've mentioned above.

I hate changes sometimes. I'm not a flexible person, I don't adapt to new environments or parameters that easily. The worse kind of changes that i hate to experience are those flash or instant changes. Those that happen so sudden. You imagine today you're having a happy day and the next day you have a whole streak of unhappy incident and it happens with the same party and same variables. Sometimes i even get misunderstood for changes. Sometimes those changes looks positive on the surface, but turns out negative when you get deeper into it.

Sometimes, u see a light shining the path in front of you and you naturally thought it was hope, but it turns out that the hopeful path will only lead you to a dead end where you can't even turn back. every step u took in this path, you put more hopes on it. but the higher the hopes, the harder you fall. But in most situations, you didn't choose this path. its just so natural that you want to walk on it coz u hope for something more.

Sigh, the emo streak continues. I've never been that emo since i came back. I shouldn't look at things so heavily, or should i say i took things too seriously and now i'm unable to turn back. My only path now is to walk on, and try to find branches that would lead me out of this dead-end.

Right/Wrong, Guilt/Regrets, Happy/Sad...wuts dat all bout?

2009-04-22T20:00:00.002+02:00

Everything has an opposite side. We humans like to differentiate things in general to right or wrong. I'm not a Philosopher and neither have I done my Doctor Philosophy, but I have my views on right or wrong, guilt and regrets, happy and sad...and many more.

I always mentioned that when it comes to decision making, we have our rational part and emotional part. Sometimes we make decision based on very solid prove and taking every consequences into account, but sometimes we just choose to follow our heart. Of course in most situation, rationality gives us the right solution, but not all the time. Sometimes we have to follow what our heart says.

I have been very emotional these days. In fact I made alot of decision and action based on emotion. Sometimes it does bring me guilt in terms of the so called "right or wrong", or in simple way it's simply wrong to do so, but i rather have guilts than regrets. A close friend of mine once told me, as long as you're happy just do it.

But I just want to say, no matter how wrong it is or how much guilt it can bring to me, I know what I'm doing. I'm emotionally rational.

Remember my post about losing confidence? I think I've started to gain back some. I really don't know where the energy come from. I guess mainly its the support of my friends. I've been driving further now and though I've still phobias of parallel parking or sometimes even reverse park, but at least I manage to drive to One Utama and SS2 without any problems or fear. I think I know that's the main problem before this -MYSELF. I'm just so reluctant to adapt back to the culture here. I felt I don't belong here, neither do I belong to anywhere else. After my acceptance in Singapore NTU, I felt I have to adapt myself to the culture here, afterall singapore's culture is not much different from Msia, most part of it.

Anyway I do hope for a time freeze machine. Or rather I hope for a time travel machine. I want to turn back time. I want to repent those mistakes I've ever done. I wish I can start my life again. Well, no need to restart from the beginning, just bring me back to moments where I need to patch things up.

Maximus Emolitius

2009-04-20T18:38:00.002+02:00

Crap! I miss moments. Why am I such an emotional person? Normal human will keep their sweet memories or even sour ones and they'll probably take it out once in a while. God gave us two eyes which are placed in front not behind telling us that our vision is in da future not da past.

But I'm freaking abnormal. I start to wonder am I from planet Emotron instead just like transformers from cybertron. I was really hoping that einstein didn't die that early, so that he can continue to research on his theory of relativity. With that we would probably have a Mercedez Chrono series di, where it can bring u back to the past. Ok the Mercedez Chrono is just a crap, pls dun go on google n search for it.

I remember in one of those post I've wrote last time stating that I want happy moments to freeze or repeat again. I had a comment from Jessica that if there would be take two, it wouldn't be the same anymore. I guess maybe I should learn how to let those happy moments go and just enjoy the process of it.

Congratulations!

2009-04-18T12:07:00.002+02:00

YES! Finally won my first personal title in PES2009. Well since I can never be a real football superstar in reality, I would like to thank Konami for such a wonderful game, allowing us to "become a legend" in virtual football world. My next target would be more personal titles, such as footballer of the year blablabla. lolx.

This worth congratulating about??? WTF? Just a game??

Nah.

This is the real thing.

ADMISSION LETTER to pursue a master degree in Singapore & Germany!!!!

Electronics Engineering in Singapore and Germany? Could it be better than this?? NAH!

Here I come Kiasuland!!! Yeah i get to continue my quest to search for the ultimate sausage in Germany again lolx.!!

Lamo Air

2009-04-17T20:45:00.002+02:00

Knowing...

2009-04-16T20:56:00.002+02:00

Well I'm still constructing the penang trip post and i can't go further without the rest of the photos which are still with Kelsen and Lloyd, and they're both in penang. I will retrieve from them as soon as they upload it to the net.

At the meantime, I will update a lil on myself. On Monday I went to watch the movie Knowing with Keen Seng. Well overall the movie wasn't that good. The first half was kinda thrilling and interesting, but then it became a piece of shit. I have still tons of movie to watch and looking for people to go with me. I had this crazy idea of watching movie alone to experience it. I reckon it would suit me alot since I'm such an emo person. To magnify the effects, I guess I'll watch romance movie alone. Lets see how emo i can get then lol.

I'm not doing a review on this movie though i borrowed the title of it for this post. Nah it's just that I've been quite emo this week. One small part of it is because I miss the Penang trip though it's only a short trip. Like I said in my previous posts, the location of the trip is secondary, the primary factor is the company. It can't get any better going with Kelsen and Gabe, furthermore Keen Seng and Lloyd are able to join us this time. But I guess the bigger factor that causes this Emo streak is the confidence.

Honestly till now I've not gain back my confidence in driving. Even as a passenger, I just couldn't open my eyes seeing the driver squeezing through a narrow gap or doing a difficult parallel parking. I just wonder how did i lose everything?? I think if you ask me to take the driving test again, I would probably fail badly.

I realize that it's not just the confidence in driving that I've lost. I've lost confidence in life too. Because of that, I have the reluctancy to execute lots of things. Just as an example I've lost confidence to be in a crowded area. Now i felt very shy to be in public areas. I felt shy when my friend introduce me to their friends, especially the opposite sex.

WTF?? I think back on those 4 years that I'm in Germany. I can't afford not to be confident in myself. I face strangers speaking a foreign language almost everyday but yet I still dare to face them. I have been humiliated because i speak broken German, but yet I still have the guts to do so. Just all in a sudden, while I'm back in my HOME COUNTRY, i lost my BALLS??

KNOWING my problem, but not KNOWING how to solve it. Sigh help me peeps. help me regain my confidence.

Under Construction

2009-04-13T15:18:00.001+02:00

BACK from Penang!

One word to describe it - GREAT!

Food, Scenes, People, Chics

A Full description wif photos is under construction.

Stay TUNE!

My Birthday Period 2009

2009-04-09T15:40:00.004+02:00

The last time I reallly enjoyed my birthday was about 8 years ago in 2001. At that time I had a streak of happy events not just on my birthday but the whole week from 5th April till 9th April. Since then, it's been dull. I do enjoy having dinner with family, but it was moderate dinner style. Things got worse when I was in Germany. Most of my birthday were either not celebrated or just a simple dinner. However, I am still sincerely glad to all those people who celebrated birthday with me in Germany.

Well, maybe people would be asking me what is the definition of an enjoyable birthday? Fancy cake? Expensive present? Nah. 10 years ago I would think that way. To me, the most enjoyable birthday is to be able to hang out with the people that I want to. For example, my hommies, or my other half if i had one. I would trade all my materials/properties/money for quality moment, coz I define happyness as having quality moments in life.

This year wasn't anything outstanding but was quite special. At least I'm in Malaysia to celebrate with my family/friends. On the 5th April I had dinner at Pasta Zanmai @ 1 Utama with my college friends and my friend's gf. Surprisingly though my full of poser face college mates was just too lazy to pose for photoshoot. After that most of them head home as they have to work. So Gabe,Kseng, Melvin n I headed to Subang Asia Cafe for a short pool session. After that we headed to our usual hangout place in Kuchai Lama for a drink.

On the 6th April, I had a drink with my ex-gf. It's been a long long time since we met up. We hardly keep in touch too these days. We had lots to catch up with each other. Later on Gabe n Keen Seng joined in. On the 7th, of course I had birthday dinner with my family. But before that I had an unofficial interview for an internship position. I think internship could be a good option for me as my availability is bad. Despite not serious with it, I still felt bad coz I didn't do well in the interview. It was kinda typical interview, where they asked 3 IQ question which I'm able to answer 2 1/2 out of 3, and some character questions like "do u u think ur smart?", "give me reasons why i SHOULD NOT hire you?" blablabla.

Anyway, initially after the dinner Kel actually planned to hang out with me. But he was extremely exhausted. Therefore I stayed at home. But then my friend sms-ed me asking me out for a drink. Well at least somebody to accompany me for the last few hours of my birthday. I enjoyed it actually, though I was freaking nervous driving the car around.

Sounds normal/boring eh? Not to me though.

Yeah, and I'm finally 1 year older. Nothing to celebrate bout it but yeah, watever!

Jobs?? Forget it...

2009-04-03T19:54:00.002+02:00

As usual, my plans are all ruined!

Ahh, sometimes its difficult when you're stuck in between. Anyway I just came back from my usual board game outing with my fellow Catan friends. I have an intention to spread this board game to all of my friends here. Yes I know board games are usually quite "bored". But trust me, once you're exposed to this game, you'll love it. Even the person that I least expect him to play is now an addict. Sorry ah Sheng Wa aka Godfathar, i wasn't expecting you to be such an addict. I mean what so special about this German board game?? only one way to find out. Come play with us. We have 2 sets of Catan + 1 Deutschland Edition set now and we can accommodate 12 players. We also have a Variation expansion which allows the rules to bent and additional stuff which makes the game more interesting. So I'm urging and inviting all those that are interested to contact me or my fellow board game gang. I'm sorry I'm not able to expose any of our contact details, but what you can do is to comment that you're interested, I'll think of a way how to contact you. Btw, This game "Die Siedler von Catan" or "The Settlers of Catan" have been voted the Monopoly Killer.

Haha i guess its my style of writing blogs. I have to suave away from the main topic for at least one paragraph before entering the main topic. Yeah jobs? Initially I plan to look for a permanent job after CNY and if the job is good, i don't plan to study masters. Then I thought it would be foolish to do so since I'll be travelling almost the whole month of March. Then I plan to look for job when i come back but then I'll have my birthday week plus Penang trip. So maybe it would be wise if i look for job after that. But no more permanent job, probably part-time or freelance. But now i can even forget bout it since my mom wants us(my parents and I) to go the Australia in May/June. How to work?? I'll be straight here, I don't wanna work in restaurants or even promoters job since I don't gain any experience. I prefer to work in the office or engineering related, such as technician or lab assistant, or tutoring. Worse case would be being a typist, office clerk/boy, data entry. But problem is, who would want to employ me? I can't even be sure of my own availability.

Although my parents told me to take this period off as holiday after the hectic 4 years degree course, but hey I'm freaking 24 this year! I'm so shy to tell u guys this...I'M USING MY PARENTS MONEY~!!!! Fark. I feel so embarrassed of myself. Most of my friends are already giving business cards during gatherings/meetings but me?? Fark fark fark!!!

Money is secondary actually. Imagine this. The next time i finish my master degree and then finally looking for a job. In the interview, they ask me "what have you done while waiting for your masters to start?" What? Tell them "basically I just stay at home during day time waiting for my dad to bring me for lunch, and then meet up with friends playing board game during the night??"

SHIT! I hate it!

Pasar Malam

2009-04-02T18:52:00.002+02:00

Ahh man. Its been 2 and 1/2 years I've been to any pasar malam. The last time i went was during my 2006 summer break. Pasar Malam have been the hangout place for me almost every Thursday at OUG and every Saturday at Happy Garden during my high skul times. Of course we love to go with friends, and partners and we want to avoid parents.

Today I followed my dad to pasar malam. Actually I didn't intend to go but today the Streamyx bill came and it doesn't look good. All these while we've been using the RM44 package which give us 60 hours of surfing time @ 512kbps download speed. Obviously 60 hours is not good enough for me, and 512kbps is like torturing me. I can still bare with the speed, I mean if i want to download anything i can still leave it on the whole night for it to complete. But the time limitation is really a killer factor. So after a long discussion with my dad, we had to choice - either to upgrade to streamyx 88 or to switch to P1 Wimax.

P1 seems to be very attractive and gets good review from users. So, we decided to visit the nearest roadshow booth which is at the pasar malam today. Sadly my area is not under full coverage yet but they'll still send somebody to my house for a test one of these days. Anyway back to the main topic. Of course I did walk 1 round thru the pasar malam. Ahh gives me lots of memories. There're few stalls that remain at the same position, for example the pirated computer CD shop that i always visited, the fried carrot cake shop, taiwanese sausage, and many more.

I walk to pasar malam with my dad. Not that we can't drive, just that we should exercise once in a while. Looking back during my form 4 period, I have to walk all the way to Happy Garden, which is about 25mins walk, then from there walk around 10-15 mins to OUG pasar malam. That's one way journey, and the same thing back home. Yes its freaking tiring but I really enjoy those moments alot.

Nowadays, none of us like to go pasar malam already. We go there probably for a specific purpose only. True enough, I did not meet a single friend in pasar malam, while my dad met at least 2 -3 groups of his students. I guess the pasar malam thingy has long gone for our generation.

Anyway it was a good to walk pasar malam again and i hope i can persuade some of my friends to walk with me one day.

you gain, you lose too.....

2009-03-31T19:05:00.002+02:00

I was with my usual hangout gang today. But before that I had a gathering dinner at PJ State with my German class friends. Then after that we hang out at Jaya one Old Town White Coffee, we were planning on a birthday dinner this Sunday. Then here comes the sad thing...

Nah, actually wasn't something really that bad. Just that when I reach home and after my bath, I sat down on my lazy chair and start having some thoughts again. Like I've mentioned in my previous post, the most dangerous situation is that you're alone at home coz ur mind will start playing tricks on you. Well, 4 years in Germany, i've really sacrifice alot. My sacrifice are in terms of my friends network. Well, don't even need to talk about the possible new friends i would have made if i stayed back, but even those from high skul now, its getting distanced apart.

I had this idea of meeting up all my ex skul mates, especially those where i was once close to them. I mean I've been distanced with my friends since form 4, and i know i have to blame myself for that. Now that i want to meet up with them, i just felt shy and awkward. For so long we've not been in contact, suddenly ask them to meet up...i mean it sounds weird right??

Well luckily we are in facebook era. I've been actively adding friends and sending them message. I guess that's the best way to start catching up with them, before we meet up face to face. Otherwise it would be quite a cold situation if we just meet up like that...

Anyway, today is April fools day. I dont expect any of my friends to fool me since we're all grown up now. But I guess I wouldn't mind being pranked once in a while..

HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY

Emo Emo Emo...

2009-03-29T18:45:00.003+02:00

It's been a while since I talk about my Emotional part of my life. It's been all about outings, traveling in the last few post. I actually have lots of things to share.

Anyway a lil update first. It could be the weather in HK that affects me, but on Monday I felt super hot in KL, I mean BURNING HOT! And then on Tuesday and Wednesday I was feeling headache and dizzy. All I did was sleep and eat thats all. Can't even stay in front of the PC for more than 5 mins. Paracetemol only help to ease the pain for short period. Good things I recovered on Thursday. But on Thursday I had quarrel with my mom which is one of the emo problem. On Friday my friend Jia Uei and Sally came back from Germany and I spent the whole day with them in Midvalley. They brought back my Bachelor Certificates and a set of "siedler von Catan" for me. At night we had dinner with Quan Wei's family. Later I joined the usual board game gang at Little Tree Cafe in Kuchai Lama. I think Little Tree Cafe should give us a VIP card since we're like regular customer.

Well thats bout the updates. I actually felt emo because of family and "friends" issue. In general I would say that when you're most of the time at home doing nothing, you'll start to think alot. My mom, she treats me like a kid. I mean, I'm happy that she's being protective and caring, but a bit too much I felt. I'm a couple of days to 24 and I'm already an adult. I don't ask for anything, I just want my mom to treat me like an adult. Every night I hang out with friends till late, she'll try her best to stay up and wait for me, eventhough she's extremely tired. I noe she just want me to be safe, but as I said, I'm already 24!!! I've struggled but survived throughout my 4 years in Germany, and I'm more than capable of handling my ownself. Hey, I'm not asking her to totally back off from my life, just hoping that she'll understand that there're lots of things in life she couldn't control anymore. She have to let go and let me explore my own life. Many other things that she've done that made me felt like I'm a kid, which is hard for me to explain.

Right, that's the family issue. Well nothing much about the friends issue actually, just one or two of my friends. This issue is even harder to express out, but in summary I can say is that history repeats very easily if we don't control the situation well.

This week Kelsen came back but didn't get to hang out with him much. Each time I meet this 'old dead'(老死) of mine, I'll sure tell him lots of story about my life, the hidden part of it. Sigh! I'm just lack of confidence in my own life and I'm poor in emotion management! Man, good thing I'm still single, otherwise my partner would be suffering being with a person like me!!!

Fark myself!!

Kuching-HongKong-Shenzhen-Guangzhou

2009-03-26T06:10:00.011+01:00

I generally clasify holiday trips into 2 categories : Relaxation trip and Exploration trip. Well the difference are obvious, one to escape from the busy hasty hectic life and have a nice relax holiday, the other is to explore as many things as possible. Normally the first category happens when I go on trip with my family while the other we do a small backpack trip with friends.

Anyway, the last 3 weeks I’ve been to Kuching, Hongkong, Shenzhen and Guangzhou. I’ll start off with Kuching trip first.

Kuching trip was more like visiting my brother there and celebrate his belated birthday. I didn’t explore much in Kuching, but it was quite a dramatic trip. We booked AirAsia zero fair ticket, which ended up around RM300 ringgit for all the three of us roundtrip. Well though AirAsia flight sux, but I’m used to it since I’ve been taking budget flights around Europe so often. Our flight was at 18:00 and we must check in minimum 1 hour before flight since its local flight. Our plan was to take a taxi to KL Central and from there take a LCCT shuttle bus to save money. Our plan was good, as we plan to leave the house before 14:30, and have our lunch at LCCT. At max we would reach around 16:30 even with traffic jam I suppose.

We depart from our house at 14:00 and reach KL central at 14:20. We board the bus at 14:30 which is great. Everything goes as planned. Suddenly we saw lots of idiots running around the streets, some even walk in the middle of the road causing some traffic jam. Then we saw a whole gang of police with smokes around the vicinity. Then only we realized that there’s a demonstration going on, and they were demonstrating about the English education thingy. They want it to be removed ASAP. I manage to snap some shots from the bus.

We were stuck in the jam for 45 mins before we were diverted into another route which is smooth flowing. Finally we thought, “hey finally we are out of trouble and we are on time for the flight”. Then the bus driver turn round and round, and I was wondering what was he doing. The route to LCCT was straight forward, just follow the KLIA signboard, and after reaching around KLIA there’s a turning to LCCT. I felt something was wrong, so did my dad, but he tell me that these bus drivers will do everything to avoid tollgates, so maybe he’s just avoiding it. I told my dad 99% he’s lost, but I can’t stand up and guide since I was 100% sure bout the route to LCCT. After around 15 mins, my dad finally stood up and asked if the bus driver is lost, but the driver still refuse to admit he’s lost. Finally a guy behind raises his voice and told the bus driver what to do. Later on we found out that the bus driver is BUTA HURUF!!!! WTF?? I mean he could have told us earlier he’s lost or he could have called up the the office centre to ask for direction. Blardy shit!!!

In the end we reached at 17:40 which is like 20mins b4 flight. We were pretty lucky to have made it for the flight as the flight was delayed like 30 mins. Otherwise we could have missed the flight, thanks to the blardy shuttle bus. There was a guai lou on the same bus but he was unfortunate that he missed his flight. I heard he was shouting and the counter. Poor innocent fella.

Anyway, as I said, I didn’t explore much in Kuching as it was mainly a visiting trip, but here’re some pics. Btw, Kuching’s Kolou mee is really freaking damn tasty!!!!

Now, let me reveal the trip of the month – Hongkong – Shenzhen – Guangzhou trip.

I still call this a relaxation trip since its with family and we had a easy going trip. Nothing to talk about our flight as it was a smooth comfortable one with MAS airlines. Oh the air tix was cheap too, RM2500 for 3 of us 2 ways.

Since I have two aunties staying in Hong Kong, we save quite a lot of money not staying in the Hotels. In general, HongKong has few things expensive, Accomodation, Food and Transportation. But other than that everything else is cheap cheap cheap!!!

I’ll start off with a chornographical log on what I did and later tell u more bout hong kong in my point of view. We arrived quite late on the 13^th. My 3^rd Aunt and Uncle were in the airport to pick me up. Hong Kong airport is really HUGE!!! Maybe its because there’s no sky train and we walked quite a distance to the baggage claim belt. I was down with flu actually right after I came back from Sarawak, therefore I wasn’t feeling well during that day. Immediately after we exit the airport, I felt the nice and cool weather of Hongkong. 15 degrees, perfect weather. I love 15 degrees sunny with abit of cool air blowing. I love wearing a T-shirt with a jacket, but my parents didn’t enjoy it that much though. We had supper and only return to my 1^st Aunt’s home at 1.30am the next day.

Sunday we visited the flower exhibition 2009 in Victoria Park Hong Kong. In the exhibition, you see lots of “pros” with their DSLR taking close-ups on those beautiful flowers. I can say in 10 people, at least 8 of them possess a DSLR. I felt so shy to take out my Panasonic TZ2 slightly better than a point2shoot camera. Oh before that I have to mention, the well-known Hongkong style yum cha cum dim sum. After the flower fest, we went around the Causeway Bay, Avenue of Stars, Tsim Sha Tsui, Wan Chai before we had dinner around Lai Chee Kok, where my aunt stays. Good thing about going with parents and having aunts there is that, I get to taste good food in good restaurants, and u get to see how the upper generations fighting to pay for the bills. Of course my mom lose out since they’re the host, and they are 10x faster. You gotta be fast if u want to survive in hongkong.

Dim Sum

Flower Fest 2009 with my mom and my Dai Yee Ma(大姨妈）

Action!

WATARRRR!!!

On the 15^th we head to Shenzhen, but by the time we reach there it was already afternoon. We only spent 2 hours in Window of the World and skip the famous chinese cultural village. Basically Shenzhen was just a touch-and-go city as we didn’t explore much. Fortunately we stayed right across the busy Dongmen street, where it’s a so called shopping paradise. Sadly, I didn’t get anything from there as most of their “branded” items are quite local, example Qiaodan, 361 degrees…lolx..its like SEED and PADINI here. Well at least SEED is a better brand.

Window of the world

On the 16^th we spent half a day in Shenzhen, meeting up with my mom’s friends’ father, he brought us for “shopping” lolx. I quote the shopping word because there’re some hidden truth which I’m not telling in this blog. About 4pm we depart to Guangzhou with the fast train. It was a direct train and only takes 50mins to Guangzhou.

We reach guangzhou around 5pm and we reached the hotel around 5.30pm. All of us were tired travelling and my dad was feeling kinda sick. So all of us decided to get some rest. Later that night we had our dinner at a local fastfood restaurant called “real kungfu” lolx. Since our hotel is just right behind the pearl river, we had a short walk along the river. Very beautiful place.

Real kungfu restaurant

On the 17^th and 18^th we booked a private tour around Guangzhou. We visited the Yuexiu park, Sun Yat Sen’s memorial hall, Chen Clan Temple, night river cruise at the pearl river, yuntai garden, shanghai concert hall, business center, and baiyun mountain. The highlights of Guangzhou :

baiyun mountain

Sun Yat Sen's Will

Chin Dynasty

Handsome Prince

Chen Clan Temple

The symbolic 5 goats of Guangzhou

Sun Yat Sen's Memorial Hall

1.) LOTS OF CARS! And they drive 10x more reckless than KL drivers or Penang drivers. Trust me, u think u’re reckless? Go to guangzhou and I bet u’ll get banged or bang a car very soon.

2.) Very well developed. But I don’t like the mentality of the people there. I bet u will agree with me if u’ve ever experienced them.

3.) I LOVE the ancient costume pic I’ve taken there. I would enlarge it and frame it up lolxx.

4.) Food. The old sayings “食在广州” is true. Lots of good food there.

On the 19^th we travel back to Hong Kong. My 3^rd aunt was already waiting for us. We headed home and had a rest before dinner time. After dinner, my aunt promise me to get me a pair of shoes for my upcoming birthday, and I love the way she do her shopping. Visited one shop, asked me if I like adidas sneakers, after I said yes she asked the salesgirl to bring the LATEST NEW ARRIVAL MODEL of the adicolor series, tried on, pay! Its like I bought the shoes within 5 mins. Initially I’ve prepared some money to get shoes in Hongkong and definitely not adicolor, but now I can use those money for other things.

Adicolor

Can change the color of the adidas stipes wan..

Hong Kong (taken from the peak)

Ding Ding

Exhibition Center

Steamboat Dinner with family

On the 20^th we spent half a day in Lantau Island climbing up the stairs to see the Giant Buddha. Then it was a shopping spree in the evening and the next day.

Lantau Island

I tell u what is cheap and good in Hongkong.

1.) SHOES. They have a street called sport shoes street, only selling branded sport shoes. The best thing is that every original priced Adidas shoes has a 20% discount while Nike has 10%. If u ever find one shop selling cheaper than the other, u can even report them to the consumer rights association. Cool eh? Next time I go hongkong, I’ll just go with a pasar malam slippers, and buy shoes there.

2.) Clothings. Ok don’t talk about Tsim Sha Tsui, as they sell designers there. Actually even designer goods cost cheaper than those here, furthermore u get tax free if u’re a tourist. Other than designer, those average brand cost cheaper than here too. I bought 3 G2000 shirts, 2 khaki shorts, 1 T-shirt and that’s about it. I could have gotten more but there’s no room in the luggage bag coz my mom bought extra 2 adidas shoes one for my bro one for herself.

3.) Electronics. I didn’t get any coz I’m afraid if anything goes wrong I will have difficulties with the warranty and stuff. Besides I don’t need any electronics at the moment. But I’ve walked the computer center in Sham Shui Po and compared the prices. I can say at least 20% cheaper.

Aiks super long post di. I’ll do the other parts in the next post la. Have some rest first, out of ideas di.

FREAKING SLACKER

2009-03-23T08:15:00.001+01:00

I'm FREAKING LAZY to blog now

though I have lots to tell...

STAY TUNE for KUCHING and HONG KONG trip post!

That thingy again

2009-03-02T18:52:00.006+01:00

Its been awhile since the Emo thingy strikes, but it strikes again last week. I find it quite "dangerous" being alone at home doing nothing, because the mind will get bizarre. Honestly I think i fear the loneliness more than any other things, and i hate being Emo especially when I'm getting older. I'm freaking 24 this year and still can't control my Emo.

Ahh fuck it! I have more serious things to talk about in this post.

In my previous post, I talked about the German board game i brought back. Initially I bought it because its the perfect souvenir from Germany because :

1.) While in Germany this board game is one of my hobby
2.) This version is the German Edition which features the map of germany and its significant landmark
3.) Nothing else represent Germany than this board game

I never thought that my hommies around here love that game so much. We played almost 3-4 times a week for the past 2 weeks. At first it was only the 3 of us - Gabe, Dave and me but now even Sheng Wa and Khian Foo joined in. If i knew that it is such a hot cake, I would have brought back the original set which is more challenging and interesting. Its hard to explain the difference but I'm trying hard to get the original set all the way from Germany. Jia-Uei is coming back on the 28th this month so I hope he can get me one set.

But I truly hope we don't do it too often it'll get board easily. There're few expansion set actually and I see if they can bring it back for me or not la.

EXAMPLES OF EXPANSION SET : -

Well speaking about this addictive board game, it all started like this :

The pic above shows 2 sets of the game with 3 players each. These are my kaki Siedler in Germany. The picture below is when we played one of the expansion set (Cities and Knights). This expansion set basically allows every kingdom to build soldiers and enhancement to the city such as knowledge development or economic growth etc. I've only played once with them and it took us 3 hours to play and still no winners yet. We have to leave it because we were catching the last train home.

Well, enough of the board game. Lets just hope my friend can bring one set back for me.

Another update,

GUITAR!!!

finally!

Well, its the low end cheap semi-acoustic guitar, but for this price this sounds pretty good, even better than the black one i had in Germany.

So frenz, I've told you I enjoy just sitting around playing the guitar and sing eventhough I'm still amateur and I don't have a good voice. Please please call me if you're also interested in doing the same thing.

Things that I've been doing

2009-02-19T19:02:00.003+01:00

These days are more meaningful than the previous weeks especially after the CNY week. I'm more familiar with the utensils and the ingredients in the kitchen and now I've been cooking everyday. I'm still pretty much not so used to the fire stove here as we use only electric stove over there. Now I'm only trying out simple dishes, and mostly doesn't need hard work. I plan to get more recipes and try harder stuff, like 猪脚醋 (sour pork knuckles) and so on.

Other than cooking, I've been driving more these days, though not everyday. My confidence level gain exponentially when I'm on the road, and i'm able to perform overtaking, anticipating and other stuff without experiencing difficulties anymore. However I'm still pretty much weak in parallel parking (side parking) and reverse parking. I'm talking about those very easy parking where i can even do it one hand with my non power steering vehicle 5 years ago, where even optimus prime can fit in those type of parking. I do understand that when u perform reverse parking, sometimes it takes more than 1 try to fit in, and usually it takes only max 2 tries for good drivers. I took more than 3 this evening lol. WTF?

Anyway some highlights of the things i've done.
SPORTS
Firstly, I'm finally back on track regarding my fitness training program. The initial idea was to wake up early morning and have a swim and go for gym workout in the evening. Well, it didn't turn out exactly as planned, but at least I've been doing something. I do wake up late occasionally, but i've been waking up quite early these days except for today i guess since it's 2.23am and i'm still writing this post. Overall, I've been doing swimming, basketball and gym.

OUTINGS
I'm not a clubber as u all know, and yes there are friends(not those close ones) that invite me to club. Well, those close friends don't because they know that i'll turn them down anywayz. So what kinda outings? lolx. The sad part is that most of my outings are with guys. I've walked midvalley for 2 hours with Sheng Wa alone and both of us were so gay as we wore black top and blue jeans. Believe me it wasn't planned! Sorry SW for making u so gay, well at least u have a gf which will explains it all to the public, while I'm still single hahaha.

Today I went to delicious@ bangsar village II to meet up with my ex german classmates. The food was great actually though i didn't really had much. It's actually quite fun to chat with "matured" people as u get to share their experience in life and technical field(work as in). Later that Gabe and Dave came over to bangsar and we hang out in Social Cafe for a few rounds of pool. The highlights was that there was a bunch of chics playing pool beside out table, and i found myself having some sort of "interest" in her. She dressed up quite "elegantly" as in she don't over dress. Simple and nice and i thought she's kinda "decent" type, until the moment when she sat down with her cigarette, immediately her pointer drop from 100 points to 0 points. I asked myself after that, and honestly even if she doesn't smoke would I even dare to approach her? Most likely NOT! After that we went to BRJ Kuchai for a drink with Melvin. Again we talk about gals.
BOARD GAMES
I spent my last few Euros in Germany to get a set of "Siedler von Catan" board game. It's translated as "Settlers of Catan" and it's a very interesting game. I guarantee you, after playing this game you would probably throw away your Monopoly set lol. I brought back the German Edition set, which features the map and landmarks of germany. I'll explain the rules and goals of the game if and only if you're interested. But I've exposed this game to Gabriel and Dave and they love it so much that they can't wait for the next game session. We suggested that for the next game session we'll bring the game to Station One in Citrus Park to play. The game is mostly in German(all in german actually), but don't panic as I'll explain the gameplay to you in details. Don't worry I will not cheat since it would not benefit me at all and it is proven that I didn't cheat coz the last game we play, though I won but the runners up was just one point away from winning. So, anyone who reads this post and till this far and found yourself quite interested in this game after a brief introduction, PLEASE DO NOT HESITATE TO CALL ME! it's a 3-4 player game with each session last around 1 hour. Pic below shows the game...

That's all bout the things I've been doing....update more soon..

Doing the tag again, lol..

2009-02-14T09:37:00.002+01:00

Well since i'm super bored and nobody call me out for drink, i decided to do the tag that Sheng Wa tagged, but again the same thing i would not tag anyone else since i dun wanna cause trouble to other people.

This tag is about writing 15 weird things/habits/little known facts about myself.

1.) I just love to think of my past, whether its a bad or good thingy, as long as it made a big impact on me.

2.) I do things alone most of the time, but honestly I always feel sad bout it knowing that I'm alone.

3.) On and off, I hated myself for being me.

4.) I dun like to cause trouble to others. Example I pay wif big notes instead of exact change to the counter just bcoz the queue is long behind, though its my right to do so. In the end i ended up collecting loads of coins.

5.) I always like my room to be well decorated, but in the end it turns out to be worse than Rubbish room.

6.) I have no discipline.

7.) I told everyone I'm jobless. But honestly its not the case, its just that I've not even tried to apply for one. Of course i might not get it even if i apply, but better than doing nothing and telling everyone I'm jobless.

8.) I used to be a champion in Badminton during primary skul, and represented the skul, but i can't even smash properly now.

9.) I have piano basics till grade 5, but now i can't even play a song.

10.) I'm single and enjoying it, but i do hope I'm not very soon lolx...

11.) My life is boring, so far there's nothing much i've experienced.

12.) I still bite my nails from time to time :)

13.) Despite being a son of two maths teacher, my maths honestly sucks!

14.) I used to like driving alot, especially manual cars and non power steering, but now i rather hav Ahmad to fetch me...

15.) i think i have more weird habits, but just can't think off....

Changes

2009-02-04T17:55:00.003+01:00

About 1 month ago, someone who seems to know me well leave some note on my chatbox, regarding changes. Well, I mentioned too that changes are good as long as its a healthy changes. I've also mentioned in my previous post that those people I've met so far didn't change fundamentally, but maturity circulates among them. All of them now regardless of what they're doing, have changed in a good way.

Anyway, today is the second thursday I've spent in KL after so long. Last friday I've had college gathering. I've always mentioned that they're the best class mates ever, and I'm always excited when they held any gatherings. This time 14 of us attend. We had some set menu thingy which includes Shark Fin Soup. I didn't expect the Shark Fin Soup and honestly, I don't really like Shark Fin Soup. Its not that I have the money to eat everyday till I'm bored with it, just that I rather spend those money on Shark Fin soup on other more precious stuff. After the dinner of course it was casino royale in Carl's house. I've finally able to play bridge which i've not played for such long period. Then we played Texas Hold'em poker. Sighz, i broke my principle and i did participate in a gamble. I've no excuse, nor reason. I'll stop immediately.

I didn't do much after that, just pure visiting parent's friends and some of my friends. Mamak is a must as usual, and some other norm stuff. Only thing special is that I finally drove more this week. I've drove all the way to Taipan, Subang this week and kinda regain my passion and confidence in driving. U know if u stay too long in Germany, u tend to lose alot of confidence here. The main reason is because the people there give way to u, but here u find ur own way. I've also been to KL city center wanted to get my guitar but it was close. On my journey there, I observe the surroundings. Man, KL changed alot. I really felt so stranger here. I just don't know why, despite being back here 2 times before, I just felt the difference here. Its not just the changes, but the surroundings, the people also made me felt foreign. Even OUG itself changed like mad. The other day I was planning to go shoot some hoops myself, and even to travel to my homeground basketball court I have to ask my dad for directions. I mean I've been playing there for 10 years, from walking to driving there, and yet now I have to ask for directions. Initially I thought the hardest thing I would have to get used to is the weather. Now I'm fine with it, but instead I'm so not used to the environment.

Anyway, I hope to get used to it soon, and hope i can meet more people throughout the weeks here. I'm still doing nothing at home and I've still plenty of stuff to do.

First Week

2009-01-29T18:58:00.003+01:00

Ahh, finally had the time to update abit. Well, I finally felt the streamyx disease. If its just slow i can still bare, but it gets disconnected, which is what i can't stand it. But yeah what da heck. I can't do anything anyway.

I do have some pics to upload actually from my Melaka trip and the buddy outings but I guess it would be a super waste of time waiting for the uploads. I'll just do a short verbal update. I reach home at 2am last Sunday early morning. At 3am I went out with Gabe, Keen Seng and Lloyd for a drink. That day itself I didn't had any sleep until 11am morning and therefore our trip to Malacca has been delayed. The 3 days in Malacca was fun as i get to meet up with my Uncle and Aunties and my few younger cousins. We had reunion dinner two days in a row and the food were just superb especially the shark fin soup and the fish. I came back to KL on Tuesday evening and that night i went out with Kelsen and Gabe. Wednesday I went to Plaza OUG to get some short pants and after that visited Sheng Wa. That night itself I went to visit the Bong's family(my mother's good friend) which we normally hung out alot last time. Now things has change but it's good to meet up with them.

Today was again special for me. I went to Midvalley at first with my parents. Manage to make a new pair of glasses and bought swimming trunk and goggles. Visited all 3 music shops in MV(Rapsody, Yamaha and the dunno wat lansi guitar shop). I was kinda pissed off when i visited the last music shop. There's one section where it says "don't hold the guitar". WTF? I know its expensive guitars la but what if i really hav the money to buy it?? Then opposite to the rack was a set of cheaper guitar but still ranged RM800-RM1000, and it says "please ask for assistant". I didn't bother so I just took one of the guitar and played it. That idiot suddenly stand behind me asking me if i'm looking for a guitar. I felt like answering him "yes, I'm looking for one to smash your head, should i pay first or smash it first?" Bastardo.

But it was all good after that. Kelsen came, had Gekikara Ramen in Oh Sushi. After that Gabe, Lloyd, Keen Seng and Sheng Wa came. We went to watch Red Cliff 2 which in my opinion was a great movie. It's been probably 6 or 7 years since we watched movie together. We had drink later and talk about many things.

Ahh, I had mixed feelings and perception after 5 days back home. I felt honestly like a stranger here. I mean although I'm super familiar with the place, but I'm not really familiar with the lifestyle or the routines di. All in a sudden I felt shy to make my orders from the Mamak or Hawker stall. I am still afraid to drive my dad's car mainly worried bout estimation and anticipation. I used to be those guy who loves driving. I can still remember the first year I even sneak out at night to drive the Manual car the day after I reach. Now even my dad ask me if i want to drive or not I told him I don't dare. WTF! I want to find a nail clipper in my house and I don't even know where it is now!! It took me so hard to figure out how to connect to the net.(Luckily I'm good with gadgets).

Then my friends. Of course more or less most of them changed. But I still one thing about them, that they're really true friends. I'll comment one by one. Kelsen and Gabe didnt' change much, just that Gabe is already working and we're already 24 this year. I guess we talked alot about our future, which is quite boring to me( lol man i just graduated!). But three of us still can crap like shit alot. Keen Seng is still the same to me. Lloyd changed but to me it's a good change. He became more active and less stony. Last time he's like a stone lol. Sheng Wa didn't change much either.

Other feelings were like nostalgic abit, jiwang, happy, sad, worried and almost every other emotion. I was in Midvalley today and it sparks up alot of memories to me. Not just because it's the ONLY hang out place with my ex last time, but also it reminds me of those high school outing with friends. Midvalley itself didn't change much. It's like every shop I enter or every corner I go, I'll think of those sweet and also bitter memories. But it was a great flashback, reminded myself of how colorful my life is. I mean, I am satisfied with my life so far. But honestly, I really miss high school and college life. I think I'm really getting old.....

Deng, damn!

2009-01-12T11:44:00.003+01:00

You know just before the new year i thought when the new year break is over, everyone starts to go back to work/Uni and i'll be too free till i have nothing to do. So I've made some plans to blog about the reflection of the last 4 years. I also wrote part of the Christmas blog and some others. But i'm just too damn lazy to finish it and post it up. I lost my motivation to blog these days. Ironically I've not lost my interest to read others though. I've been watching movies that i've missed in the last 4 months after I lost my super fast internet connection.

Anyway, I'll just do some updates here. So it will be few days more and i'm back. Honestly I'll miss here alot. I'll miss all my friends here and I want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who came for the farewell last week, and also those who made some time to meet me up. I'm still struggling to settle some official stuff and documents but at this point, there's nothing much left that i can do. I can only wait and if it doesn't come before i leave, I have to ask somebody to take for me.

So, its the last week I'll be in Duisburg. I haven't plan up my schedule yet and I still have loads of friends to meet up before I leave. I don't think i can meet up all of them and that I felt really bad about it. Especially when I have to stay close to the Uni in case somebody notify me to collect some documents. As for today I've not even planned yet.

Well, I have mix feelings about going home. Maybe it was because I've been enjoying my time for the last few months, my view towards living in Germany had change drastically. I even told my mom that I want to come back here for Masters. I can't imagine myself saying that 3 or 4 years ago when i first came. Well, you could say it was influenced by some of my friends here, but i felt mainly because I learned how to adapt to environment. and now I felt that life here is pretty cool. an example, as much as i love driving, i felt that the transportation system here is so perfect that i can sacrifice not driving for that. You can basically reach everywhere with trains and busses. I wonder how am i gonna withstand the super hot weather in Msia. It might be very cold sometimes in Germany during winter, but heck I rather it to be cold. There are many more reason why i kinda like it here.

Anyway, I am still excited of coming home especially for CNY. This will be the first time all members of my family will be able to sit down together on a dinner table after 4 years. Then we'll be going down to Malacca on the first day of CNY to meet up my Uncle and Aunty from Singapore and Terengganu respectively. Last time I just hate being with my family or my relatives as they are really boring people lol...but now I really look forward to it. I'm pretty sure they have lots of stuff to ask me about. Then on the 5th day of CNY I'm gonna meet up with my college mates. In between maybe go to some friend's house and after that visting and visiting. I am also looking forward to the HK trip and after that my good friend Jia Uei is gonna come back from Germany for holidays. Then we can have time to 吹水 again. Ahh if everything goes as plan, I'll have a good time at least for the first 2 months I return.

Anyway I gtg to settle some stuff now. Will update...probably when i'm back home in msia...jya ne