I had a small chat with one of my close friend today. She just had her birthday yesterday and I asked about how she celebrated it. Turns out that she really enjoyed it, receiving gifts and surprises from people she care. I guess it would be one of those memorable birthday for her. When i heard that, half of my heart felt happy for her, the other half felt jealous. Well, I have some nice bdays, but never great. I don't blame anyone coz my bdays are always not at the correct time. Since primary skul till secondary skul, my bdays are on exam period. And after that, it will be too late to have surprises. In College, i had my bday very close to A-level exams. And when I'm in Germany, not many ppl know bout my bday. Though I'm 22 years old but i never had a great kick-ass bday party. I'm a grown up but still hav this childish thoughts bout bday. I don't care, the next time I must hav at least 1 grand bday party. If I get the job on monday, I'll probably finish my job around march and maybe...i mean super maybe 0.05% that i might come back to malaysia for my bday before starting my thesis. Anywayz, I'm really glad to see my friends having a great time.
Do you believe that there's nothing in this world that won't change even a single bit? I don't. People around me change alot. Some change good some change bad. But sometimes it's also hard to determine wat's good wat's bad. It all depend on point of view. Well, I even dare to say some of my closest friend turn bad, bad according to my definitions. I know i shouldn't make such a big statement. I mean who am I do judge someone? I'm not that good myself. But I've seen so many things that has negative effects on me. However there're major part of it where i have to take responsibilities because of my actions. I'm still glad to have some close friends who are loyal to me, and my loyal to them.
I am super confused of what I'm doing here. I'm losing grip of my life again. I just felt that every step i made is just wrong. Sighz, I really don't know what's wrong with me.
Anywayz, I'm tired today and feeling sick.
It's December already. Another 3 weeks time, Christmas will be here. I had a different Christmas every year, some happy some sad. In 2004 I had a super lonely Christmas. Basically Christmas at that year seems to me more like an ordinary day. 2005 wasn't bad. I had christmas in Dublin with my brothers and his friends. I had a 3 days straight Christmas party in different person's house. But felt sometimes a lil awkward coz they're all doctors except me. 2006 was kinda peaceful. Just had some chats wif pals on the phone/MSN. This year I don't think there would be any difference. I haven't been receiving Christmas gifts for a long long time. So pathetic. Well gifts are not so important actually but once in a while I would become childish thinking bout my childhood days where we exchange gifts every year. The best gift i ever had on christmas during childhood was the captain hook sword, damn yeng lolx.
Sighz, you guys know the word "Jiwang" right? For those who don't, it means sort of having some flashbacks. It's a word created by the east malaysians, according to Oliver, my ex-roomie. Anyway I've been jiwang-ing alot these days. Missing out too many things in my life. On Saturday, Tharsis, Thomas and I had dinner together and we sort of chat about our lives here. Tharsis is a very slack and flexible guy. To him, it doesn't really matter much where he is. He can just find things to do and get occupied with it. Thomas has been here for only couple of months but he kinda felt that he has no life here and feel like giving up already. As for me, after 3 yaers i've been here, I start to feel like how Tharsis felt. I hate the life here at first, but slowly getting numb. Though life wasn't that enjoyable, but I still manage to do something interesting over here. Travelling for example is one of it. I never dreamt that i could actually tour around popular places in Europe. But besides all those fun i had here, the most precious thing i gain is experience. I won't be proud of myself that I've completed a degree from Germany, or having a good grades for it. But I would definitely be proud of myself for all those life experience i had when i'm here.
But still, though i can some, but i lost more. Do you know where i watched those movies throughout the years?? I can only watch downloaded movies. I have to wait at least 2 months after release for movies. Everyone's blog is talking bout the movie, giving critics/ratings but I can only read it and try imagining how the movie is before getting to watch it myself. So far I've only been to the cinema less than 5 times in 3 years in Germany!!! The first movie was "Hitch" where i watch with my brother in Sony Center, Berlin. 2nd was "Basic Instinct 2" I watched in London with CK and friends. 3rd was "Harry Potter:Prisoner of Azkaban"(think so) in Cinestar Duesseldorf. 4th was "transformer" in UCI Duisburg. that's all. So pathetic. I wanted to watch so many good movies such as Elizabeth : the golden age, Hitman and so on. Sighz, no chance. I've missed out so many great movies, or great time where i could've watched wif my best bros. I missed karaoke sessions. Though I'm not a good singer, but I love karaoke for reasons. Now i can only play guitar and sing. I miss Jap food. I miss sushi. I miss driving. I know fuel prices increase alot these days but that won't stop me from driving if i had a chance. I'll work my ass off just to pay for fuel. I also miss the most basic thing, basketball!!! Now it's worse, it's winter and i can't do any sports at all!!! I'm not sure if i am as good as before already, almost 1 year din play. well actually i did but only pure shooting and 1 on 1. Did not really play match anymore!!!
I guess nobody understand how i felt, especially these period. But I don't expect anyone to understand coz u gotta be in my shoes to feel it. I guess Kelsen would understand how i felt. I felt much better blogging, and writing diary. But still i felt miserable. I wish i could sleep and just forget about the sad things.
Merry early Christmas everyone!
Sighz, you guys know the word "Jiwang" right? For those who don't, it means sort of having some flashbacks. It's a word created by the east malaysians, according to Oliver, my ex-roomie. Anyway I've been jiwang-ing alot these days. Missing out too many things in my life. On Saturday, Tharsis, Thomas and I had dinner together and we sort of chat about our lives here. Tharsis is a very slack and flexible guy. To him, it doesn't really matter much where he is. He can just find things to do and get occupied with it. Thomas has been here for only couple of months but he kinda felt that he has no life here and feel like giving up already. As for me, after 3 yaers i've been here, I start to feel like how Tharsis felt. I hate the life here at first, but slowly getting numb. Though life wasn't that enjoyable, but I still manage to do something interesting over here. Travelling for example is one of it. I never dreamt that i could actually tour around popular places in Europe. But besides all those fun i had here, the most precious thing i gain is experience. I won't be proud of myself that I've completed a degree from Germany, or having a good grades for it. But I would definitely be proud of myself for all those life experience i had when i'm here.
But still, though i can some, but i lost more. Do you know where i watched those movies throughout the years?? I can only watch downloaded movies. I have to wait at least 2 months after release for movies. Everyone's blog is talking bout the movie, giving critics/ratings but I can only read it and try imagining how the movie is before getting to watch it myself. So far I've only been to the cinema less than 5 times in 3 years in Germany!!! The first movie was "Hitch" where i watch with my brother in Sony Center, Berlin. 2nd was "Basic Instinct 2" I watched in London with CK and friends. 3rd was "Harry Potter:Prisoner of Azkaban"(think so) in Cinestar Duesseldorf. 4th was "transformer" in UCI Duisburg. that's all. So pathetic. I wanted to watch so many good movies such as Elizabeth : the golden age, Hitman and so on. Sighz, no chance. I've missed out so many great movies, or great time where i could've watched wif my best bros. I missed karaoke sessions. Though I'm not a good singer, but I love karaoke for reasons. Now i can only play guitar and sing. I miss Jap food. I miss sushi. I miss driving. I know fuel prices increase alot these days but that won't stop me from driving if i had a chance. I'll work my ass off just to pay for fuel. I also miss the most basic thing, basketball!!! Now it's worse, it's winter and i can't do any sports at all!!! I'm not sure if i am as good as before already, almost 1 year din play. well actually i did but only pure shooting and 1 on 1. Did not really play match anymore!!!
I guess nobody understand how i felt, especially these period. But I don't expect anyone to understand coz u gotta be in my shoes to feel it. I guess Kelsen would understand how i felt. I felt much better blogging, and writing diary. But still i felt miserable. I wish i could sleep and just forget about the sad things.
Merry early Christmas everyone!
Updates...
Well lets talk bout the serious thing first. Till now I've not gotten an internship but i'm getting reply from companies already. Good sign, though not the best. However I'll double my effort now. Lets see how it goes. 天无绝人之路. I will do whatever i can and i believe i'll not come to a dead end. We shall see how it goes.
As for others, Lets talk bout gadgets. Hmmm, I recently bought a USB guitar interface system. Quite cool. Now i can plug in my semi-acoustic guitar into my comp n record directly. It can also use software to generate different effects like distortion, delay, wahwah, phasors, flanger and many more. In another words i can make my acoustic guitar sound like E-guitar with different effects. Well I'm still a beginner in Audio Engineering, but i'm super interested in it. I'm learning from the basic now from internet how to make use of those effects. Of course at the same time practicing my scales. The only problem is that my guitar strings are too distance from the frets, makes it harder to press the key. I wonder how long hav i still hav to learn to produce my first real song...i mean a complete song, like those which has vocal, bass, guitar, solo, drums and other elements.
Life is like shit for me now. On the surface i look happy but i'm not at all. When i was having exams and all, I always complain life is so difficult. But now I wish I am back to exam period. At least I have an aim, which is to do my exams and therefore having a motivation to do some serious stuff. Now I'm just a slacker! In German = lackadasical. I know people are tellin me to get a job. Actually while applying for internship I'm also applying for job. So there's nothing much i can do anymore. Leaving in a foreign country where people dun speak english is not that easy at all. I mean in Malaysia to get a job it's like kacang. If can't get a technical job osso can get promoter job, survey, office boy and others. I mean of course I wan to have a job related to my studies, but for the time being i just wan to get a job that can at least earn some money for me to get some stuff. I've not been buying clothings for 1 year di. I've not been doing things that i want to do like watching movie, snooker, or maybe traveling. Everything need money and i don't want to spend my parent's money anymore except to pay rents and bills.
Btw that day I went Starbucks with Tharsis. Finally after so long. I've promised to treat him a starbucks coffee since he helped me in doing the song. It was enjoying though it was just a short 40 mins session. But these few days I've been thinking alot, mainly negative things. I mean it always started with those flashbacks wif those sweet ones, but then it turns to bad when i start to miss it, and then thinking of the future, thinking when will i have such a wonderful time again. I hate it when i have to look at my future, since nobody is able to see it.
Whatever la. I've learn to numb myself since i'm in Germany. After a while I'll feel numb and then i'll just forget the stuff.
Well lets talk bout the serious thing first. Till now I've not gotten an internship but i'm getting reply from companies already. Good sign, though not the best. However I'll double my effort now. Lets see how it goes. 天无绝人之路. I will do whatever i can and i believe i'll not come to a dead end. We shall see how it goes.
As for others, Lets talk bout gadgets. Hmmm, I recently bought a USB guitar interface system. Quite cool. Now i can plug in my semi-acoustic guitar into my comp n record directly. It can also use software to generate different effects like distortion, delay, wahwah, phasors, flanger and many more. In another words i can make my acoustic guitar sound like E-guitar with different effects. Well I'm still a beginner in Audio Engineering, but i'm super interested in it. I'm learning from the basic now from internet how to make use of those effects. Of course at the same time practicing my scales. The only problem is that my guitar strings are too distance from the frets, makes it harder to press the key. I wonder how long hav i still hav to learn to produce my first real song...i mean a complete song, like those which has vocal, bass, guitar, solo, drums and other elements.
Life is like shit for me now. On the surface i look happy but i'm not at all. When i was having exams and all, I always complain life is so difficult. But now I wish I am back to exam period. At least I have an aim, which is to do my exams and therefore having a motivation to do some serious stuff. Now I'm just a slacker! In German = lackadasical. I know people are tellin me to get a job. Actually while applying for internship I'm also applying for job. So there's nothing much i can do anymore. Leaving in a foreign country where people dun speak english is not that easy at all. I mean in Malaysia to get a job it's like kacang. If can't get a technical job osso can get promoter job, survey, office boy and others. I mean of course I wan to have a job related to my studies, but for the time being i just wan to get a job that can at least earn some money for me to get some stuff. I've not been buying clothings for 1 year di. I've not been doing things that i want to do like watching movie, snooker, or maybe traveling. Everything need money and i don't want to spend my parent's money anymore except to pay rents and bills.
Btw that day I went Starbucks with Tharsis. Finally after so long. I've promised to treat him a starbucks coffee since he helped me in doing the song. It was enjoying though it was just a short 40 mins session. But these few days I've been thinking alot, mainly negative things. I mean it always started with those flashbacks wif those sweet ones, but then it turns to bad when i start to miss it, and then thinking of the future, thinking when will i have such a wonderful time again. I hate it when i have to look at my future, since nobody is able to see it.
Whatever la. I've learn to numb myself since i'm in Germany. After a while I'll feel numb and then i'll just forget the stuff.
是我自作多情，现在自作自受. I put myself in a situation now and i hav to suffer from the consequences. I could hav just move forward and skip thru this step but I choose to stop there. Now everything is screwed up, and I'm screwed up.
The art of reading people's mind is something I would really wanna master. Of course I don't believe in human possessing extraordinary powers that can read other people's mind, like the cop in Heroes. What I mean here is to judge what a person's thinking based on his/her body language, eye contact, behavior, changes in a certain amount of time, verbal and non-verbal, and so on. Misunderstanding is so common, and it may cause a major problem if it is not handled well enough. Often misunderstanding is caused by a misjudgment and a misjudgment is often due to emotional problems. Emotion is something one should really watch out cause it could be a good thing, but when it's bad...it's Evil!!!
Recently I've been losing my sleep alot. I am tired physically but just couldn't sleep. It could be that something is bothering me, but till now, I don't know what it is. Yesterday was good for me coz i could sleep for 8 hours, but today was bad. I went to bed @ 11pm and i could sleep well but i woke up suddenly at 2am. Here i am now writing this post. Now I'm being emotional again. I just realized that I've missed out alot of things in my life. Throughout this 3 years in Germany, I felt that my life could be more exciting than what i have now. Maybe people look at me, and gets envy coz I was able to travel to different countries. Yes I'm proud of it and I'm lucky to have this opportunity. But sometimes i felt that people shouldn't envy me coz I also envy them in a certain way. 你有你好， 我有我好. I felt that I've missed out more than i gained.
Good thing about me is that I've improved. I'm a better person now compare to me last time. When I was in high school form 1, I was super nerd. But on the other hand it was good coz my results were superb and it builds up a strong fundamentals so even now I'm a slacker but my results won't be that bad coz of a strong fundamentals. I changed alot from form 1 till form 5, mainly become more outgoing, open, and mischievous of course. Till when I'm in college, I became materialistic, cunning person(i mean always hiding my intentions) and really turned bad in a certain way. But I felt I'm wiser now, I'm back becoming a good boy, I'm more independent, and most importantly I luv my family and appreciate them more than i did last time.
Now that I'm doing nothing waiting for an internship, i utilized my free time to brush up what I've lost before. I actually had a Grade 5 in piano but I gave up coz i felt at that time that piano is a girlish thing. Besides it was forced by my parents. Now i regret not going further with it. Then in form 4 I've learned classical guitar for 4 months but i stopped. I felt classical was boring and I don't learn to play modern songs, now i regret. If i would have learned my scales well and theory at that time, i could be playing lead guitar by now. Music is part of my blood, and not just listening to other people's song, but writing my own song is part of my dream. Now that my strumming is improving day by day, and I've step further by writing a simple but lousy song. I'm writing a second song now actually. I never thought of doing so since writing songs are like shit, but whenever i felt something, i'll just take a pen and write it down in a piece of paper. Now I've already hav 4 lines of lyrics. The oni thing is to figure out how should i sing it. I'm really enjoying these things. Hope it continues.
Anywayz, I hope I can get back to my life.
The art of reading people's mind is something I would really wanna master. Of course I don't believe in human possessing extraordinary powers that can read other people's mind, like the cop in Heroes. What I mean here is to judge what a person's thinking based on his/her body language, eye contact, behavior, changes in a certain amount of time, verbal and non-verbal, and so on. Misunderstanding is so common, and it may cause a major problem if it is not handled well enough. Often misunderstanding is caused by a misjudgment and a misjudgment is often due to emotional problems. Emotion is something one should really watch out cause it could be a good thing, but when it's bad...it's Evil!!!
Recently I've been losing my sleep alot. I am tired physically but just couldn't sleep. It could be that something is bothering me, but till now, I don't know what it is. Yesterday was good for me coz i could sleep for 8 hours, but today was bad. I went to bed @ 11pm and i could sleep well but i woke up suddenly at 2am. Here i am now writing this post. Now I'm being emotional again. I just realized that I've missed out alot of things in my life. Throughout this 3 years in Germany, I felt that my life could be more exciting than what i have now. Maybe people look at me, and gets envy coz I was able to travel to different countries. Yes I'm proud of it and I'm lucky to have this opportunity. But sometimes i felt that people shouldn't envy me coz I also envy them in a certain way. 你有你好， 我有我好. I felt that I've missed out more than i gained.
Good thing about me is that I've improved. I'm a better person now compare to me last time. When I was in high school form 1, I was super nerd. But on the other hand it was good coz my results were superb and it builds up a strong fundamentals so even now I'm a slacker but my results won't be that bad coz of a strong fundamentals. I changed alot from form 1 till form 5, mainly become more outgoing, open, and mischievous of course. Till when I'm in college, I became materialistic, cunning person(i mean always hiding my intentions) and really turned bad in a certain way. But I felt I'm wiser now, I'm back becoming a good boy, I'm more independent, and most importantly I luv my family and appreciate them more than i did last time.
Now that I'm doing nothing waiting for an internship, i utilized my free time to brush up what I've lost before. I actually had a Grade 5 in piano but I gave up coz i felt at that time that piano is a girlish thing. Besides it was forced by my parents. Now i regret not going further with it. Then in form 4 I've learned classical guitar for 4 months but i stopped. I felt classical was boring and I don't learn to play modern songs, now i regret. If i would have learned my scales well and theory at that time, i could be playing lead guitar by now. Music is part of my blood, and not just listening to other people's song, but writing my own song is part of my dream. Now that my strumming is improving day by day, and I've step further by writing a simple but lousy song. I'm writing a second song now actually. I never thought of doing so since writing songs are like shit, but whenever i felt something, i'll just take a pen and write it down in a piece of paper. Now I've already hav 4 lines of lyrics. The oni thing is to figure out how should i sing it. I'm really enjoying these things. Hope it continues.
Anywayz, I hope I can get back to my life.
Though officially I'm now a slacker, everyday sitting at home waiting for internship news. I'll either watch drama, or play guitar, or sleep, or cook. In this 2 months I guess i became more stupid since I've not touched any books and I think I've totally forgotten all the stuff I've studied even from the last semester. The only thing I've improved is my guitar skills and my cooking skills(depend on form osso sometimes). My room is a mess and I've done nothing to make it better. I might not be a super clean person but last time i'll still clean my room from time to time. I am so amazed wif myself that i can live in such environment for so long lolx.
However in the past 3 days I've been really busy wif some stuffs. Yeah the song i wrote and the MV. And also to think of other stuff where i can giv to her to make her happy during her bday. I don't know why I get excited during her bday, even more excited that she is. Last year I don't know how many times I've called just to wish happy bday. This year much less, and most of the time I've been sleeping since i've not have enough sleep for so long. I've ordered flowers and delievered it directly to her office. It was scheduled to be shipped in the morning, but they had delays. Made me kinda worried things might not work out. But anyhow it reached before she left the office and I'm glad. All the things I've done was just to earn a smile from her. I guess it all paid off since she told me she's really happy. Now mission accomplish.
Yesterday I was in Maredos with Tharsis for dinner. At first it was a separate meal but in the end he paid for me with the reason of having good result. The original plan was to have a starbucks coffee and i promised to treat him for all the work he did to edit my song. Anywayz we'll be heading to starbucks today. It's been a while since I've been to starbucks. Though it's a blardy US franchise, but i still luv their coffees. Not so sure why. Anywayz yesterday's meal was good.
Sighz now what?? back to a slacker. sighz!
However in the past 3 days I've been really busy wif some stuffs. Yeah the song i wrote and the MV. And also to think of other stuff where i can giv to her to make her happy during her bday. I don't know why I get excited during her bday, even more excited that she is. Last year I don't know how many times I've called just to wish happy bday. This year much less, and most of the time I've been sleeping since i've not have enough sleep for so long. I've ordered flowers and delievered it directly to her office. It was scheduled to be shipped in the morning, but they had delays. Made me kinda worried things might not work out. But anyhow it reached before she left the office and I'm glad. All the things I've done was just to earn a smile from her. I guess it all paid off since she told me she's really happy. Now mission accomplish.
Yesterday I was in Maredos with Tharsis for dinner. At first it was a separate meal but in the end he paid for me with the reason of having good result. The original plan was to have a starbucks coffee and i promised to treat him for all the work he did to edit my song. Anywayz we'll be heading to starbucks today. It's been a while since I've been to starbucks. Though it's a blardy US franchise, but i still luv their coffees. Not so sure why. Anywayz yesterday's meal was good.
Sighz now what?? back to a slacker. sighz!
Well recently I've been doing some song recording and things. I've wrote a birthday song for someone. Well the idea came about 3 weeks ago where I wanted to get something for her but somehow I'm in a deep financial problem. But i felt so uncomfortable if i don't do anything. I was thinking since recently I've been practicing my guitar and I felt I've improve alot in strumming, why not just make a song. Then comes the lyrics which is hard. But idea comes from time to time and finally I've managed to make a song out of it. A very simple song, lyrics are all simple words, describing some of our history. The music uses very simple chords repeatedly. So don't think I've written a great song, it's just a small effort. I even made a video clip out of it. Proud of myself knowing such limited music knowledge but still able to create this song. Though I'm interested in these stuff, but I'm too lousy to be good at it.
Anyways it took me about 2 weeks to complete the lyrics and about 5 days to think of the style n melody. I asked help from a friend to do sound editing. As for the clip i spent about 14 hours doing it. Quite an easy piece of cut paste edit clip. Now that it's finally done, I can get to rest.
Maybe due to my lack of rest, now i'm feeling grumpy and mood is swinging like a pendulum. I've too many things to worry about. Shall write it down some day.
Anywayz I'm not planning to go public wif the vid, so I'm sorry can't let u guys see. But who wants to see it anywayz?? Haha crap!
Anyways it took me about 2 weeks to complete the lyrics and about 5 days to think of the style n melody. I asked help from a friend to do sound editing. As for the clip i spent about 14 hours doing it. Quite an easy piece of cut paste edit clip. Now that it's finally done, I can get to rest.
Maybe due to my lack of rest, now i'm feeling grumpy and mood is swinging like a pendulum. I've too many things to worry about. Shall write it down some day.
Anywayz I'm not planning to go public wif the vid, so I'm sorry can't let u guys see. But who wants to see it anywayz?? Haha crap!
My heart, it's like 1 million ton heavy. For the past few weeks, I've been sleeping @ 4am the earliest and wake up around 1pm. I've been doing nothing but watching dramas and playing games. Some outings and dinner gatherings. Sounds fun right?? NOT!!! I'm just screwing up my life. I wanted to find a job but it's never easy. Have some barriers. Everyone around me is busy with something but i'm not. And trust me, i'm not trying to show how free i am, but instead I'm trying to tell u guys how useless i felt.
To those bloggers, I have a question for u guys. Have u guys ever look at your previous posts again?? Well I do once in a while to see what'd happen in the past. Maybe I'm just too Emo or Psycho. In fact i read most of the post way back since 2005. Of course i din read it in details since some of my post are really damn long. Erm in fact most of it are really long. But it's good enuf to refresh my memory by just sweeping it through. My mood turn worse when i was in the August, September and October 2006 section. Sighz, there was one comment by Jessica saying "it's fun going thru happy moments, but it won't be nice if it happen the 2nd time". I'd say, "damn i wish i can go thru those moments again".
It's november here. It's been 1 year 1 month since I'm back in Malaysia. It's the longest I've been out of Malaysia, out of my home. Why am I thinking all these things?? I know i should look forward, but each time i try to look, I'll get more fears. I'm just too coward to face the future. I've lots of expectations and hopes. But the more i hope, the more fears i'll have. 希望越高，失望越大。 I hav this instinct, or intuition, that there're part of the things which I'm putting hopes will not come thru. I'm sort of doing a gamble over here. Though i felt that the chances of happening is so low, but I still put hopes in it.
Anywayz, I know most of u guys won't understand what i'm trying to say here. It's my style of blogging. I don't usually put it so obvious. Honestly I hav a personal digital diary, which i'll write most of my feelings in it.
Btw, Joana is back in Germany for few days. She's my super senior and she left 1 1/2 years ago and now she's the chancellor of the UKM-UDE exchange program. When she was in Germany last time, we use to drink alot. Almost every week buying new type of alcohol to try out. At that time I was a super curious person, trying to find out wat is so nice bout alcohol but now thinking bout it, it was the most guiltiest moment. After she left I've seriously cut down and finally stop drinking totally bcoz I've made a promise to myself n someone. The day b4 yesterday we had a small dinner gathering wif her. She made Tom Yum for us and it was lecker!!! She invited me and a bunch of us to go club today but too bad clubbing is not my thing. Money is also a factor so i've decided to stay at home. Besides I felt really bad already doing nothing but oni going for parties. Maybe I'm not doing anything useful at home but at least I'm at home, makes me feel better. She and some UKM seniors are the ones that helped me so much during my first years in Germany. Without them, I don't think i'll survive till now. I'm glad to see her again and hope that she'll do fine in Malaysia. I'll come back "soon" and visit you Jo.
Oh ya, this post is mainly about my heavy feelings but i've not mentioned much bout it. But honestly I really don't know how to express it in words. Sighz. Guess after a good sleep i'll be fine.
To those bloggers, I have a question for u guys. Have u guys ever look at your previous posts again?? Well I do once in a while to see what'd happen in the past. Maybe I'm just too Emo or Psycho. In fact i read most of the post way back since 2005. Of course i din read it in details since some of my post are really damn long. Erm in fact most of it are really long. But it's good enuf to refresh my memory by just sweeping it through. My mood turn worse when i was in the August, September and October 2006 section. Sighz, there was one comment by Jessica saying "it's fun going thru happy moments, but it won't be nice if it happen the 2nd time". I'd say, "damn i wish i can go thru those moments again".
It's november here. It's been 1 year 1 month since I'm back in Malaysia. It's the longest I've been out of Malaysia, out of my home. Why am I thinking all these things?? I know i should look forward, but each time i try to look, I'll get more fears. I'm just too coward to face the future. I've lots of expectations and hopes. But the more i hope, the more fears i'll have. 希望越高，失望越大。 I hav this instinct, or intuition, that there're part of the things which I'm putting hopes will not come thru. I'm sort of doing a gamble over here. Though i felt that the chances of happening is so low, but I still put hopes in it.
Anywayz, I know most of u guys won't understand what i'm trying to say here. It's my style of blogging. I don't usually put it so obvious. Honestly I hav a personal digital diary, which i'll write most of my feelings in it.
Btw, Joana is back in Germany for few days. She's my super senior and she left 1 1/2 years ago and now she's the chancellor of the UKM-UDE exchange program. When she was in Germany last time, we use to drink alot. Almost every week buying new type of alcohol to try out. At that time I was a super curious person, trying to find out wat is so nice bout alcohol but now thinking bout it, it was the most guiltiest moment. After she left I've seriously cut down and finally stop drinking totally bcoz I've made a promise to myself n someone. The day b4 yesterday we had a small dinner gathering wif her. She made Tom Yum for us and it was lecker!!! She invited me and a bunch of us to go club today but too bad clubbing is not my thing. Money is also a factor so i've decided to stay at home. Besides I felt really bad already doing nothing but oni going for parties. Maybe I'm not doing anything useful at home but at least I'm at home, makes me feel better. She and some UKM seniors are the ones that helped me so much during my first years in Germany. Without them, I don't think i'll survive till now. I'm glad to see her again and hope that she'll do fine in Malaysia. I'll come back "soon" and visit you Jo.
Oh ya, this post is mainly about my heavy feelings but i've not mentioned much bout it. But honestly I really don't know how to express it in words. Sighz. Guess after a good sleep i'll be fine.
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