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2011 didnt end that well for my family and I. A series of unfortunate events happened to my mom regarding health.
It was hard for all of us and of course hardest for my mom. I always thought celebrating new year alone at home rusting was quite pathetic as how I did some years back in Germany. but I felt motionless that time watching fireworks alone from far. this year I was in hospital watching fireworks from the wad and sadly my mom wasn't able to get down of her bed to see the fireworks. As I was starring ay the fireworks my tears suddenly start to fall from my eyes.
It was emotional. In this room I'm not the most painful person. My mom is. She is going through special much now and honest words will be that she might be facing the final stage of her life journey. Then I stare at my Samsung galaxy note and my iphone. These luxury stuff belongs to my mom. She gave us the best education. Train us up to be a real man. Useful to the society. We are who we are today because of her sacrifice, dedication and love. She gave everything to us for our brighter future. Now she is suffering and I felt so useless not being able to help.
Seriously all I want for new year now is my mom to recover soon.
Happy new year everyone. I hope this year is full of miracles
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The greatest mom
She's in such great pain now. Her physical condition is not going well. What could be worse when u knew bout the fact that you are diagnose with critical illness? How do you face it?
my mom is exactly in this position. when I look into her eyes I see a great fear and sadness in her. How do I feel? I felt tterrible. She not only cant eat which makes her really weak, she have to suffer from all those hospital tubes, she also hav to take blood sugar level every 2 hours. On top of that she knows that she is not in good Condition. How would you face such pain physically and emotionally?
The world is as we know unfair. But I never felt it so much until now. She never had the luxury to own an i phone or i pad.
Neither had she own an LV handbag. She only had a chance to travel after so many years of waiting. We were dining at Chillis having a nice juicy beef while she eat leftover homecook food. I had my first pair of nike shoes when she only buys shoes from night market. why? Because she have a vision greater than STEVE JOBS. She don't need to produce iproduct. Instead she have produce and invested two of the best product ever - Me and my Bro. one a brilliant doctor. Another an engineer. What more greater asset can you have than two great successful sons?
Now she needs care the most. Yet while suffering so much from all those tests, her mind is all about how are we doing? have we taken our lunch? Have enough sleep? Hows Work? Her mind still thinks of our welfare every second.
As I was writing this article,I am watching her resting. Is She really resting? what' s in her mind? Is she relief? Stress? painful? nostalgic? Then it struck my mind. What can I do? How to make her feel better?
I am who I am because of her. I have what I have because of her. Now, I just want to trade everything I have for her to be healthy again!
She's in such great pain now. Her physical condition is not going well. What could be worse when u knew bout the fact that you are diagnose with critical illness? How do you face it?
my mom is exactly in this position. when I look into her eyes I see a great fear and sadness in her. How do I feel? I felt tterrible. She not only cant eat which makes her really weak, she have to suffer from all those hospital tubes, she also hav to take blood sugar level every 2 hours. On top of that she knows that she is not in good Condition. How would you face such pain physically and emotionally?
The world is as we know unfair. But I never felt it so much until now. She never had the luxury to own an i phone or i pad.
Neither had she own an LV handbag. She only had a chance to travel after so many years of waiting. We were dining at Chillis having a nice juicy beef while she eat leftover homecook food. I had my first pair of nike shoes when she only buys shoes from night market. why? Because she have a vision greater than STEVE JOBS. She don't need to produce iproduct. Instead she have produce and invested two of the best product ever - Me and my Bro. one a brilliant doctor. Another an engineer. What more greater asset can you have than two great successful sons?
Now she needs care the most. Yet while suffering so much from all those tests, her mind is all about how are we doing? have we taken our lunch? Have enough sleep? Hows Work? Her mind still thinks of our welfare every second.
As I was writing this article,I am watching her resting. Is She really resting? what' s in her mind? Is she relief? Stress? painful? nostalgic? Then it struck my mind. What can I do? How to make her feel better?
I am who I am because of her. I have what I have because of her. Now, I just want to trade everything I have for her to be healthy again!
Majulah Singapura! Only a nation of 46 years old, but it is equally as civilize and advance as countries which as thousand years of history. Congratulations to the achievement in Singapore and good choice of separating from Malaysia 46 years ago.
Just a little update that i wanna put it down here. Work wise, I am getting more workload day by day and I am starting to fill that I am contributing. Yesterday, I was trying to understand the root cause of a project bug and i discover it might lead to something more serious in the design. Though it's still initial stage, but I'm glad that i made a slight contribution to that. This project I am working on is going to be closed soon and immediately after that I will be put on another project. I believe it wont be long before I will have the chance to do some real design work.
Put work aside, I have a little good news to share. During my thesis, I have heavily taken part in the design of a conceptual analog to digital converter chip plus the test board for the chip. My supervisor sent us an email on the initial measurement and both the chip is working and the board is working. My hard work and sacrifice to go to germany paid off and now I can put inside my CV for that! He haven't measure the performance yet and he told me the board needs to do some bug fixing, but hey, it is working that means the core architecture is functioning well. I can never believe I have designed a working chip! Good start and hopefully in my new career I am able to do so too. Hope one day I can write patents! Sadly I am no longer in Germany to celebrate with my team there.
Back to singapore. Tomorrow will be my first day of the 8 week fitness training offered by my company. It will involve some techniques that can be done at home to build up the body, which include push ups sit ups stuff, plus kick boxing etc. I am looking forward definitely. But one thing concerns me is my health as I am having soar throat plus a lil of dizzyness today. I am not sure if I am fit for tomorrow but I will bring my gear there. I hope to keep in good condition throughout this week too because Oliver's wedding is coming!!!
Now the emo part. Still pretty much sad almost wherever I go. Almost every part of Singapore gave me sweet memories and till now I still think that those trips were a great achievements for us. But I think I am just clapping with one hand. How can the peanut outings in Singapore compare to UK? For her, I believe nothing beats what she've seen in UK. Not even a single moment we spent. Well that shows the difference in our point of view in life. I have always mentioned, a great trip depends primarily on the person we go with, and location is just a fill up factor. Thats why in me, the best memories are still those time I spent with her regardless where. Could even be as close as around our home. It's sad huh to know that what appears to be the best for you isn't really quite the best on the other side. What's even worse is that what you believe to be the best moments is just shit to the other party. That's like the ultimate killer.
I don't know if I did post up the origami roses arranged into a heart shape birthday card I've made for her 2 years back. I get reminded of that because last week I was folding it in office while waiting for my simulations and my colleagues saw it. They were so impressed and all of them ask me to teach them. One even said, you're really multi talented and with this you should be able to kill lots of girl's heart. Deep inside me, I was laughing like laughing kor lol! Well, i forgot to mention he's already above 35 so probably during his days this kinda things work well with girls. Nowadays you see girls going out with guys who've no emotion at all, and always "abuse" their girlfriends but yet those dumb girls are so obsessed with them that they get so loyal. Girls love bad boys this is the fact. No point having all this romantic skills. No use at all. You just need a big dick and a bad attitude to get girl's heart. This is the fact. Sometimes really I do doubt whether those effort I've put in to make all this DIY gifts really worth it or not? 10 years down the stretch, I just can't recall how many of those I've did already. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
Anyway, it is over. How many times I have to remind myself about that? I guess the answer is forever because I think it takes forever for me to recover. I am moving out of my comfort zone. I finally decided to move out of Jurong area where I am so comfortable with. There are a few factors which leads to this decision despite having to sacrifice approx 1/3 of my salary for my new room. First of all, I need a change. Call me kolot, but I think it's time to try a new environment. I might get lucky there who knows. Second to that, I don't want to cause more inconvenience to my uncle. It is just a matter of time I have to move and why not sooner in conjunction with a new change. Thirdly is of course I have no time for myself wasting all the time travelling to my office and back. Moving to a place much closer to my office is definitely a good choice. Some other minor factors are not worth mentioning here but made contribution to the decision as well.
That's all for now. Just a question to myself - Will I find a real lifetime partner in the future or nobody wants me that I will be alone forever?
Sigh...it's kinda depressing to ask question to oneself like that....life sux!
just feel like updating here. It's been like 2 months since i came back from Europe and about 5 weeks since I start working. Work, still about the same. Starting to get a lil more workload but still it's kinda "peanut" work whr an intern can do the job. On the bright side, I am taking their salary for the minimum effort I'm giving. On the down side, I am not contributing and not really learning much. At this point I can't tell whether I am really happy with the work or not but for now I am happy that I just got my first month salary. Yes all I care about is money now. Seriously, I think this is not a long term thing. I want to do some real Design Engineer's work, eventhough I'm not a very confident person that I can handle that.
I have nothing much to comment bout work atm. I am feeling emotional now. Well, it's about the same thing actually. I believe everyone have one/several Kryptonite that always make the person weak at some point. My worse case is love/relationship. I loudly admit, I am not quite moving on as how I was and no improvement at all. Especially last week when the convocation spark up lots of hype. I thought distance and time will also help in my healing process but one phone call changes alot. It started with the mother calling me. Details of the conversation will not be disclose here.
U know what is the most hurting part when you exit a relationship? Its not the break up really. It's when you know all these while when you felt you're the most important your love one would die for, isn't that important after all. Many people did ask me before, I've been with the same girl on and off several times. Why is tht so? If I love, why did I break? Honestly I don't know. I really don't. Maybe I just can't let go of her. It's too useless to talk about the past but i wanna mention the recent one.
In 2009 when I finish my bachelor degree, and slowly we get closer to each other again and finally got back together. It was after so long we've been separated, and judging by the age perhaps we've reached a maturity level and know who we really wanna spent our life with. All these while my relationship with her wasn't quite accepted by my family. But that time we got back together, I was so sure this is the girl i wanna marry and live forever. My confidence level even shoot sky high because she came back to me, proving there's something she's attracted to me and it is not money/looks/fame because i don't have any. She knew I was going overseas for some time again and will not have any income. She knew my face is as ugly as whatever ugly things u can imagine, but still stick to me. Something inside me that attracted her. So that's it, decision made. I dun care what outsider criticize about me getting back with her for the 4 time. I fought with my mom and finally got her approval. She finally had lunch/dinner with my parents for the first time in 10 years we've been on and off. Everything seems so wonderful right?
This is the problem when your confidence is built upon such fragile factor. My confidence was borken into tiny pieces even smaller than the world's smallest particle now. She changed job, had chance to go UK and things were just upside down since then. The so much enjoyable UK trip that I felt, wasn't what it was in reality. So, happy right both of us finally can tour around a European country together? No. It was as disastrous as hell. I'll fastforward here. So finally we broke up again. So much for the lifetime plan with her. Gone baby gone. Even then, story hasn't ended. When I'm back in Sg, when i tot her love wasn't with me anymore which i had never expected that to happen, happened! But tru phone conversations, she showed as if, she regretted leaving me. She show she wanna patch things. She showed she "can't live without me". Wooahhhh imagine my confidence shoot up again. But I denied her because I don't want it to be just because I am finally away from distance and sort of found a good settlement here in SG plus now she's not with any companions. I dun wan to have another fragile relationship. I want as solid as hard diamond.
So what is the conclusion? It doesn't take a genius to figure out the real fact. The love is long gone, there's no regret in it, no will to come back, importance have much faded. The fact. Since she changed job, and went UK, she felt in love with that country, more than anything. Enough said. Well, nobody's fault. In summary, it's just our way of life that doesn't match. I used to wonder why despite me staying in different countries and been expose to so many things, yet I am still loyal in love/relationship and how come she just can't? Well simple thing I understood now. She's not me.
So again, I have to find ways to forget bout all these crap, move on and hopefully will find a true lifetime partner that is also willing to build a solid hard rock diamond relationship with me till eternity.
After 1 week of work, finally able to update a bit here. I don't really know who's still reading this but again i repeat tht I'll just put on my feelings here like a diary. I believe no one will read it now. Well, I leave home around 6.45am every morning and come home around 8pm every evening. After bath, and surfing internet plus lucky enough watching 1 episode of TVB drama, I'll go to bed. Around 11pm max. This is how my first week of working life is.
I feel freaking tired everyday actually but not because there are lots of work. In fact I don't have much work for the first week. But I guess just like old times, I need time to get used to the timing. Sitting in the MRT for 1 hour to office 1 way isn't that stressful but kinda boring. I usually get a place to sit because in the morning trains are more frequent and I'm always quite fast in securing a place to sit. When I get my first month salary, I'll get an ipad 2. Ok yes I'm still not a big apple fan but the reason I get ipad 2 is because my uncle and my brother have one. Easier for me to synchronize with them. Later, I also plan to get smartphone, but I might go for Samsung or HTC. Samsung is my first choice because they offer much better hardware specs for the same price u pay for an iphone. Only concern is, android is still pretty much in development stage and I am quite impatient to see them stabilize. I know they will reach one day where they can compare one to one with iOS, the question is when that's all. At this age I'm still quite keen on gadgetings, but the next life transition I might have different hobby I wanna invest on, such as automobile or other mean toys.
Ok, back to work. Not much girls around my office as expected. Microelectronics are never popular subjects for female anyway. Colleagues are relatively good, not close though. Perhaps I'm still new to them. Last friday i even tear my face and force my boss and his gang to accept me for their dinner outing which from their expression not quite willing to. I can see why. Not that they don't like me, but with me along they have to be very careful with their conversation. Like in the car they did talk about foreign talent, and can see that they're filtering alot of stuff. They try to cover it with Hokkien sometimes, but I can roughly guess what they're saying though not knowing Hokkien. They also wanted to go for full body massage and stuff like that, which I suppose they don't want me to join and also they know I'm new guy so shouldn't take such a long lunch break. I also learnt my lesson, I'll not go with them so often unless I'm called to. Other than relationship with colleagues, the technical part is kinda challenging for me. Even the internship guy is much more active than me and much more pro than me. The upcoming new project our principal engineer gave him most of the task, which left me like a noob. I'm still in 3 months probation period and I wonder if they'll find me too useless and will kick me out within this period. Sigh......
Other thing such as I'm kinda missing someone. But well, u can't get happyness by force. Two different person with different priorities in life eventually will end up fighting and struggling. How did we get together in the first place? Simple. It was feelings. I still love her, but love isn't everything if we've tried to live together and failed. All those sweet memories, they can be so sweet because our relationship wasn't put into test. Once it is, it is proven that the relationship has been quite fragile all this while. It's just like a Ferrari. Sweet, but once it get crashed up, the damage is far worse than other cars. Pity and sad, but that's life I guess. After officially breaking up for 4 months, I am still in the state of recovering, and in fact my recovery status is just like 4 months ago - felt like I'm just starting to recover. I'm kinda concern too if I would ever get another partner in the future knowing my lousy qualities and my low self esteemness. I guess only she appreciate my lousy qualities and convince me I'm somebody even I can't convince myself. But I should stressed out that it is all now in the past. Past tense. I am always confident that she'll be able to get a guy much better than me in a short time. I hope she does. But, being selfish, I don't wanna know. I don't know if I am mature enough to take that news or not. So if anyone related to her knows about this news, please don't busybody go and tell me.
Looks like this two weeks, there's nothing much I can look forward to. It will be the same old 9-6 working thingy, weekend same old badminton and that's about it. I am looking forward for my graduation, but not the ceremony. I'm just looking forward for my parents and my brother to come over to visit me that's all.
I felt empty at this point again. Empty life. Sigh.....zzzz
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