The Ultimate Kryptonite

just feel like updating here. It's been like 2 months since i came back from Europe and about 5 weeks since I start working. Work, still about the same. Starting to get a lil more workload but still it's kinda "peanut" work whr an intern can do the job. On the bright side, I am taking their salary for the minimum effort I'm giving. On the down side, I am not contributing and not really learning much. At this point I can't tell whether I am really happy with the work or not but for now I am happy that I just got my first month salary. Yes all I care about is money now. Seriously, I think this is not a long term thing. I want to do some real Design Engineer's work, eventhough I'm not a very confident person that I can handle that.

I have nothing much to comment bout work atm. I am feeling emotional now. Well, it's about the same thing actually. I believe everyone have one/several Kryptonite that always make the person weak at some point. My worse case is love/relationship. I loudly admit, I am not quite moving on as how I was and no improvement at all. Especially last week when the convocation spark up lots of hype. I thought distance and time will also help in my healing process but one phone call changes alot. It started with the mother calling me. Details of the conversation will not be disclose here.

U know what is the most hurting part when you exit a relationship? Its not the break up really. It's when you know all these while when you felt you're the most important your love one would die for, isn't that important after all. Many people did ask me before, I've been with the same girl on and off several times. Why is tht so? If I love, why did I break? Honestly I don't know. I really don't. Maybe I just can't let go of her. It's too useless to talk about the past but i wanna mention the recent one.

In 2009 when I finish my bachelor degree, and slowly we get closer to each other again and finally got back together. It was after so long we've been separated, and judging by the age perhaps we've reached a maturity level and know who we really wanna spent our life with. All these while my relationship with her wasn't quite accepted by my family. But that time we got back together, I was so sure this is the girl i wanna marry and live forever. My confidence level even shoot sky high because she came back to me, proving there's something she's attracted to me and it is not money/looks/fame because i don't have any. She knew I was going overseas for some time again and will not have any income. She knew my face is as ugly as whatever ugly things u can imagine, but still stick to me. Something inside me that attracted her. So that's it, decision made. I dun care what outsider criticize about me getting back with her for the 4 time. I fought with my mom and finally got her approval. She finally had lunch/dinner with my parents for the first time in 10 years we've been on and off. Everything seems so wonderful right?

This is the problem when your confidence is built upon such fragile factor. My confidence was borken into tiny pieces even smaller than the world's smallest particle now. She changed job, had chance to go UK and things were just upside down since then. The so much enjoyable UK trip that I felt, wasn't what it was in reality. So, happy right both of us finally can tour around a European country together? No. It was as disastrous as hell. I'll fastforward here. So finally we broke up again. So much for the lifetime plan with her. Gone baby gone. Even then, story hasn't ended. When I'm back in Sg, when i tot her love wasn't with me anymore which i had never expected that to happen, happened! But tru phone conversations, she showed as if, she regretted leaving me. She show she wanna patch things. She showed she "can't live without me". Wooahhhh imagine my confidence shoot up again. But I denied her because I don't want it to be just because I am finally away from distance and sort of found a good settlement here in SG plus now she's not with any companions. I dun wan to have another fragile relationship. I want as solid as hard diamond.

So what is the conclusion? It doesn't take a genius to figure out the real fact. The love is long gone, there's no regret in it, no will to come back, importance have much faded. The fact. Since she changed job, and went UK, she felt in love with that country, more than anything. Enough said. Well, nobody's fault. In summary, it's just our way of life that doesn't match. I used to wonder why despite me staying in different countries and been expose to so many things, yet I am still loyal in love/relationship and how come she just can't? Well simple thing I understood now. She's not me.

So again, I have to find ways to forget bout all these crap, move on and hopefully will find a true lifetime partner that is also willing to build a solid hard rock diamond relationship with me till eternity.