just ain't feeling good

I've done one non-technical subject and Microcomputer Systems exams so far and I have another 7 to complete. Doesn't sound good but I'm glad that Microcomp. is over. I was quite confident that I can score in that paper because the questions are relatively easy but after talking to one of my classmates who wrote this exam last year, he told me that it was controversial as many candidates came out from the hall with a very confident but the results did not turn out to be that way. I hope I am not one of those victims, so i guess i should just lower down my confidence level and let the results talk by itself.

I always wanted to post one of my true feelings in this blog but I never do so because I know alot of people will hate me for doing so. But I guess I'll just rap it out. Actually I am not that happy studying here, really. I'll explain in details.

Firstly, yes I do admit I am a very lucky person to be able to further my studies abroad. I do admit that I learned alot compare to studying locally, especially in terms of life experience. I am gladful that my parents are doing so much to make sure I have a smooth process studying over here. They're not rich but I know they try very hard to support me to complete my studies here. My mom always gives me an assurance that I don't have to worry bout my financial status eventhough I know she's lying. I know she herself have difficulties and I know she's borrowing alot of money from the bank and those schemes. But I know the only thing that my mom wants in return is a scroll with statement of accomplishment of my Bachelor of Science in Electrical and Electronic Engineering. I also know it's never easy for my mom to see me leaving home for such a long period, and it's so far away from home.

But I can tell you honestly, this is just ain't what I want. I was like you guys when I'm in Malaysia after completing my A-levels. I was very excited that I can finally experience a whole new life, somewhere far from this blardy hot and dirty and nasty and OK country. But after being here for so long, I finally realized that the so called "blardy hot and dirty and nasty and OK country" is actually nothing else but the most wonderful place on earth. I know alot of you already start cursing me, you guys would probably think, "shit you have a chance to go overseas you should be greatful man!!!". I am as I mentioned, but I can tell you, studying overseas is never enjoyable. Nothing beats the feeling of being home!!!. Yes you would probably enjoy so damn much being a tourist coming to the dreamland -EUROPE. But being a student ESPECIALLY in a country where you're so damn unfamiliar with the language???, Now to make a clearer picture, trying imagining that!!! Not to forget the fact that I came here from Malaysia WITHOUT a place to stay on the 1st day. Imagine again looking for a place to stay in a foreign country without even speaking their language??!!!! I know until now I've said so many things, you all would still probably think that I'm just bullshitting. But i can tell you this - You guys will never understand how i feel.

Maybe it was just me, my character. Maybe I look like a very modern person, but deep in me, I still hold strong on my roots. I am an Asian, a Malaysian-Chinese. I still prefer the nightlife that I had in malaysia, or those mamak hangout. I still prefer being in a hot country eventhough it could be very cooling being here during summer. But summer is just 3 months in a year, and the rest of the 9 months, you'll be freezing and it really spoils your mood to get out of the house in such a cold blardy weather!!!. I hate it especially during festivals. Maybe it is also because I am just reluctant to master the language knowing the fact that i'll probably won't be able to speak anymore German after 3 years being here. Or maybe it is also because I have English, Malay and Chinese(including the dialects) firmly stored in my language brain cells, that's why it's relatively hard for me to learn a 4th language. Or I should say, I'm just not smart and capable to do so.

However, I know I'm this far. Looking at the good side, I've really learned alot. I'm not the coward that I used to be anymore. I am relatively more matured now. I overcome the fear I had when I was young. I am just a few more steps away. I am not happy here, but at the same time I just choose to forget all the unhappy feelings i have. Lets be neutral bout this. Sad to say, I will not be coming back this summer for holidays.

Anyway, thank you darling for giving me support during my exam period. Thanks for waking me up to study. Loving you means to accept everything bout you. I just want to tell you(my darling) that no matter what happen, you will still be the one I love, I care about, and the person I want to be with. There's no such thing as a perfect person on earth, but in my heart there is one - YOU my dear. Luv you baby 4ever. I hope we can appreciate each other till the very end of days.

1 comments:

terrenie said...

darlin,im sorry for making u feel bad to sometimes but didnt really mean it.Hope u will forgive me for being lousy at times.
Darlin,i noe its hard for u there and there is nothing u can do but i really hope that u never give up.
It would be only less than a year left and be merry then at that time,we can have fun together k?
Just stay wit happily then time will flies without u knowing it.
Darlin,i will be there for u,just give me a call,then im there to giggle with u k?muacks..hehe..

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