memory retrieve in progress

Wualalala....here i am again. Was suppose to start a full throttle study today but as usual, I fail myself. No worries, I'm gonna stay at the library from 1pm till 6pm 2moro, hopefully lolz. So what did i do today? Nothing!!! lolz. Well a lil of window shopping in ebay and some on9 shops. Guess what's on my list this time? Guitar yeap! I already hav a classical guitar but i wanted an acoustic guitar(semi-acoustic preferred). I seen one, Harley Benton 89EUR, cheap and good. Another one Fender also at that price but doesn't have the band EQ. Sighz, in the end i gave up the idea. Don't ask me the reason, coz i couldn't find one myself.

I had a short chat wif wenni via skype today. All in a sudden i felt like having a webcam chat today. While chatting, i was browsing thru my precious pics. I decided to show her some and gosh it really digs up all the memories especially the time right after A-level. I told her maybe i should upload some of it. So here are the pics wif description......Lets go wif the time frame

2004
Mr Lim YS....the best chem teacher ever!!!!...


















Almost towards the end of the last semester...our sj4p family photo...attendance not so complete though...











Left: The last day of A-level..me n nD wif our TAR shirts being signed allover...btw we wore that shirt into the exam hall...though childish but quite cool eh....










Redang : Owh we're suppose to jump n shout like hell..












Whats wrong wif u ppl sj4p?? just like to take pics looking upward...














Sj4P Ice skating session....













nD's bday i think....was suppose to be black n white dress code but blardy hell melvin n saimun din follow the rules....even wenni is wearing gray ciz!!!....










Result day : shiettttt!!! result teruk like hell...decided to sing our anger out....i think it was some linkin park song....











China press?? lolz Telekom roadshow 2004. Was one of the nice time i had wif gab n wenni....











Leler's bday....was sad day 4 me though....



















My first farewell....where i got my haircut lolz...












Mooncake festival cum 2nd farewell....see this is why i luv them so much...sj4p has really done so much for me....










the week before i took off...in Rhythm..they're my bosses of the roadshow...















Ahhh I miss that blardy car!!!!










KLIA - the day where i have to leave Malaysia to a place called Deutchland....






















Kelsen's wonderful masterpiece featuring Da Godfathar, Gabe n keenseng









2005






Ireland : My brother and I wrapped up our mom lolz....











Singapore : my hommies wif shadies.......











911 2005 : nD's bday n it was the first time sj4p did a gathering in OUG Thai Sabye Sabye...dress code bright colours..but leler n melvin wearing dark!!!











2006




The remaining of sj4p at KL in 2006. Honeystar OUG











Genting karaoke session.....first time wearing blazer in Malaysia....












Oli Ling Me Christmas dinner 2006












Of coz there're more pics but i'll just put up my fave...also since before 2004 i don't have digicam(or none of us have at that time). As u can see there are at least 70% of it are sj4p. Just in case u guys don't know what is sj4p, it was the class name during A-levels and that's the best time i ever had in my study life.

It's the middle of September. As I've mentioned b4, September has always been a wonderful month for me, except this month. It's really a season of loneliness for me. Like what wenni said, 孤单和寂寞是有分别的。 Lonely and being alone are different things. Yesterday I took out my David Tao's Soul Power live HK concert VCD and rewatch it. I always said that music can really define my emotion, but i should make it clearer, LIVE unplugged music defines it even more precisely. In 2003, I attended David Tao's concert in Malaysia, which is why i had so much memories when i rewatch this VCD. Though i was only able to get the HK version, but it's almost similar. The concert happened on the 13th September 2003. 13th Sept 2001 was the day when i had my first kiss. 13th September 2006 was the day I recover the luv I've lost. What a coincidence. 13th Sept 2007, nothing much but just me in my quiet room, having flashbacks and thoughts, living in such a lonely atmosphere, listening to songs which really turned my mood upside down.

So far, my mood has been down day by day. The only thing I felt worth being happy was the conference chat session on Thursday and The Wii session last Sunday. We had a super long conference skype chat involving friends from US, UK, Germany and Finland. We chat from around 8.30pm german time till 2am german time. Though there are about 60% of crap talking and singing, but I really enjoyed it after such a long time we din have such a chat. I mean, most of us are in a different part of the globe, we never had the chance to really listen to each other's voice together at the same time. I really miss those time spent with the sj4pians, especially break times during A-level. As for the Wii session, i get to meet new ppl, and played Wii for the first time. Had muscle ache right after the session, but no regrets.

Honestly I am starting to lose grip on my own life. Emotions are taking command of my body. Remember I've always said, human splits into 2 part, the emotional part and the rational part. Sometimes it's clear what we're suppose to do, but Emotionally, we're reluctant to accept it. I know my weakness well, and I know previously I was just making up false hopes and refusing to leave the past as it is. I realized, and i'll do whatever it's needed to do to march forward. Whether I like it or not, I know i have to let go...........

Mission Acomplished supposingly.

When i wrote my last post, I was in a great anger and some mixture of sadness. But after a while, I start to realize things. Yes I was angry at certain person. Now i start to realized that It was purely emotion not rationality. I almost forgot bout the whole point i chosen this path. Now seeing things are going as planned, I shouldn't felt any jealousy nor any harsh feelings anymore. Yeah of course emotion and rationality are usually a big contradiction. I know that my emotion will still conquer me 4 a while, but all in all it was fulfilling the purpose that matters the most. As i mentioned b4, it's time for a 360 change of my life. The first step is to pull out my feet from the ocean. Pull out from all these.

I was in temptation today. I group of juniors made a small feasting session, a sort of "get to know each other" type of gathering. I was among the seniors to be early there because I wanted to play basketball with them. Though the basketball didn't work out because some indian guys took the court for Cricket! The temptation came when they were making a decision to open a bottle of french wine. The moment i held the bottle on my arms, reading the french description of the wine, I start to think hey since i've no more commitment to anyone, I could hav a sip or two. But it was a good thing that i overcome this temptation, reminding myself i am still committed to myself!! In the end, i did not take it.

I've spent alot of money for the last 2 weeks on food and outings. When I speak about outings, u guys would probably think it was some cinema or clubbing etc etc. I find there're more things to have clubbing in a place i call "overseas". I mean if i spent my money here going clubbing, i would get to experience a different clubbing atmosphere here, but thinking bout it there're plenty of good clubs in Malaysia. I rather spend money on travelling, seeing different architecture and learn different culture. I can't imagine when would i have my next visit to Europe after i returned to Malaysia. Yes i had a plan to further my studies somewhere out of germany after 3-4 years of working. but i'm really not sure where would it be. I wanna do MBA but i don't wanna use my parent's money anymore. Of course the ideal case would be that i do my MBA in USA, but it's hell loads of money. Asian country would be a more realistic case. Taiwan, or even Hongkong. Lets' see how the future would be.

I'm slowly trying to throw out some "old" element from my brain. I was so fine when i was having my exam period. That proves one thing, all i need to do is to keep myself occupied wif work. So I'll not think of it too much. I just had too many flashback these days, but seriously though to most of u, my life is kinda dull. But to me i felt that i've actually been through alot. I've trade some precious money for some really good experience here in germany. This few days I've been coming home late, and it reminds me of those time i played bball at 2am in the morning. That's so crazy. But if u think i'm crazy, i'll tell u that there're even people playing at 2am too!! Lolz, guess KL ppl don't like to sleep.

I'm very talkative person. Since i was in primary school, my teacher tells my parents that. Yes i luv chatting, or gossiping. Asking me not to talk for a moment is like putting me in a cyanide gas chamber. But there's a difference between meaningful chatting and rubbish talk. As for me, my own definition of meaningful chats are either heart 2 heart talk, or an argument which both party put in effort to get their point clear. Some people just argue half way and they know they're not able to win this battle, they'll just end with words like "watever u say", "u win" etc etc. This only show how shallow u are. Even arguing, make sure u come out wif a strong argument. Having a good command in that language is an advantage but it's not a requirement. I just hate to argue wif people that doesn't have the skills to argue, sad to say especially girls. I'm not a sexist but most of the time i don't like to argue wif girls. Arguing is never bout winning for me. It's bout how much i enjoy it. Another type of meaningful chatting to me is that, i had a hell lots of laughter during that chatting session. Though my definition sounds different from the norm, but that's what it is.

ANywayz i've crapped enough for the day. I seem to be quite active in blogging again. GUess i could declare that I"M BACK!!!

A life with/without alcohol

How many of u guys believed that smoking can distress, drinking can make u numb from all the sad things u're facing? As for me, i don't believe in all these shits!! 4 things i won't do, drinking, smoking, taking drugs and gambling. I actually set those rules since i was young. Just right before i came to germany, something really bad happened to me, which at that time couldn't control myself anymore. I was too childish at that time. I thought alcohol can sterilize a person's pain. There's where it all started. 2 cans of carlsberg in my condominium about 2am in the morning. So did it work?? what do u think???

After landed in germany, i get to know that alcohol here are tax free and are cheaper than malaysia. From time to time, Me and a bunch a new friends, will get some new alcohol we've not tried before. My first bought was Jack Daniels since I saw one bottle of it in Sheng Wa's house b4 i left. I start to luv it for some reason. We tried so many others, martini, vodka, white beer, tequila, sangria. Though i'm still weak at drinking, but it's like alcohol came into my life since. The first time i came back to malaysia, i attended Gold Win's bday party. again we had chivas. Then when i visited my brother in Ireland, Guinness and Baileys. In UK Johnny walker. I even had some weird alcohols which i don't remember their names.

So what am i trying to say at this point?? The question now is did i ever enjoy it? Answer is No! Since April last year, I totally stop drinking anymore. I start to realized that I'm losing myself as in those 4 things i've mentioned before. How can i break such a rules i set for myself? I totally stops. There's one significant effect, i felt more healthy since then. The only part which i allow alcohol to come is cooking wine. Some food taste special with cooking wine, or even dishes like XO sauce steak etc etc. But i'll not drink alcohol anymore.

Why did i mentioned bout alcohol? Because I was disappointed with someone. I always tell someone not to think of the past, not to think of the bad things they've done. Forgive is forgive. But I guess i failed myself. One of the main reason i stop alcohol is because of someone that i care of, the words that came out from her mouth, it's a commitment to myself and to her. But guess what, some people doesn't realized what they've said before. Probably they don't realized how serious their words are. I hate it when i did something i thought it would make me and the other party happier but behind me, they're doing the things themselves. It's the same reason why i started playing snooker. Somebody forbid me to play because usually a snooker center are filted with nicotine. But on the other hand, that person was doing the things which i'm forbidden to do so. It was all about commitment and mutual respect, but sometimes i felt unfair that i respect, i commit to it, but the other side is not.

Anywayz, I'm really in a feeling which no one can describe. It's not my business actually, but just don't know why i care. Maybe it's my personality. I can't be a cold blooded person. But i really hope one day i will. It's time for a 360 change in my life again.