Nooby day

First day at work! Well, as expected I felt so noob. Today there's a group meeting and division meeting. In both meeting it's like everyone is so actively participating in the conversation and I'm just like nooooob. I hope in 1 week time I'm able to pick all those up! Tomoro will be another nothing-to-do day.

Well, I hope this job is really what I want. Now I'm looking forward for 2 things. One is to get familiar with the technical environment and the other one is my first payday haha. Sigh, long long way to go.

As for personal stuff, It has been kinda turmoil. I did enjoy my week last week where my bro Kel came over to Singapore for business and pleasure trip. We had a few meals of hawker which was so enjoying. He treat me quite number of times coz I'm freaking broke. Then we had BBQ on Friday night at my place. We bought too much food and in the end it was all wasted. Then on Saturday we went East Coast Park for cycling. There were about 9 of us and I really enjoyed it so much because it has been a long long while since I ride on a bicycle. Next target is roller blade. Also, I finally met up with Wenni. On Sunday we went casino and of course I didn't gamble just to go in and see. Then we walk around Marina and Clementi mall. Manage to get my working clothes, but have to borrow money from Kelsen first sigh sigh. Then we took off to the airport and we had a nice japanese meal before he took off. Overall was great!

But also I did receive some unexpected sms and email. Again, it almost ended in a bad manner but I guess now everything's much clearer. Now that it's really over, I did felt a lil empty in the part of life. But well, I guess it's a choice I have to make and live with it. I will definitely remember all the sweet memories. It is still one of the best moments of my life. I wonder, with my appearance and my quality, will anyone be attracted to me? Perhaps I'm gonna be single my whole life.

Freaking tired, that's the end of my day.

I'm a Designer!

It is exactly one month since I came back from Europe. Well, probably coming back is not a good word to use since Singapore is not my country. But I set a goal to build my life here. So, I guess I can say coming back after all.

I came back with a vision, and full of hopes and targets to fulfill. First off, I need a job, a related job of course. Other things are such as building a social life here and start contributing to my family. When I reached singapore, I realized that most of my colleagues already started working. Honestly, I felt the peer pressure. My first meeting with them is in one of the weddings. Everyone seems to be exchanging name cards and I'm the only one without one. I have to keep my heads high so I was joking to everyone saying why not I copy my student card and give it to them. After that, I felt like it's time to step up my job hunting and I am seriously looking down on myself because I'm spending parent's money still.

The first turning point came when I met up with my Professor. He is helpful enough to distribute my Resume to all his connection, which in his case a huge network of managers or hiring managers. I have confidence he would help me of course, but I never thought my Resume would be firm enough to be short listed for interview. But it came really quick. In summary, I screwed up like 7 interviews. When I mean screwed up, I mean those technical questions. So i really start to doubt myself whether I do have the ability or not to work in Singapore.

I can only say luck is with me. On last thursday I was called up for 2nd interview with STMicroelectronics, the first company that I was called up for interview and the same company that i screw them up last time for my internship. At first I didn't I know it was a second interview. I thought it was more like another interview for another position since I knew I did really badly for my first interview. Also, the person who called me up for the 2nd interview is a different person, and his Chinese-accent English wasn't really clear. I asked him if it's a different interview from the previous one, he said yes. So I prepared damn freaking hard for the interview, reading up the technical stuff again and again especially those part where I'm weak at. When the interview started, the interviewer pop questions about my previous experiences in Bosch, focusing more on the interpersonal issues such as communication with ridiculous colleagues. About 40 mins of interview without a single technical question. After that part, she said she was done and I was stunned, thinking perhaps my chances are over. But then she told me to stay in the room as the HR needs to interview me. Then came the lady who called me for the first interview, Jane. Jane was nice and she put up a very friendly smile, by far the most friendliest smile in all the interview. Of course, I was told to smile as well, so I return a big smile. Our interview session was more like chatting, where she get to know me better asking questions based on what I've scribbled in my resume. Then she ask me if I have any questions, but i told her not really. Then she start telling me about the basic salary and benefits if i were to be employed. Suddenly I was so excited. Just when I thought she would present me with a contract, she said she will notify me the next day.

I was excited the whole day I couldn't sleep. Ok maybe i should speed up things here. Yes I am offered a job. The job according to the manager sounds very interesting, plus I think the salary + benefits is very attractive. I don't know what is the market value, but at least it is higher than my expectation.

Whatever it is, at least I have secured a job!

But way before I received my first pay, I am already starting to think about the things I want/need to buy. Gosh!

I don't belong to the Elites

I just came back from an interview where I made myself look like a fool again. It's my 8th interview so there's no excuse, i should have performed no matter what. I have never felt such an idiot before in my life, really!

I recall during the time i was searching for internship. I applied to many companies, only 3 companies called me up for interview. The first one was an internet conference interview. He asked me some technical questions, which I am able to answer few of them. They rejected me though because I wasn't confident enough. The second one didn't even ask me any technical questions, just asked me to explain about my previous projects and experience. There were 4 of us interviewing for the same position, so basically the interview is just for show. They have already picked their candidate before hand. The 3rd one was from the same company as the second, but different division. Yes, i totally screwed up the interview but yet I was hired because it was just an internship position and they only need to pay less than half a normal employee's salary but the workload is the same. So that doesn't proof anything. The fourth one was the one I nailed. It was a telephone interview, and trust me it's much easier to cheat in the phone interview than face to face for technical questions. I am very good in bullshitting, so i can talk all i want. Furthermore, my supervisor who hired me is a very very nice guy.

At that time I was so proud of myself actually that I got that position. After completed my internship and my overall masters, I am so confident because I had good grades, plus good internship experience. True enough, I was called up for interviews based on my CV and my grades. But after so many interviews which non of them I answer with confidence, I really start to feel like I am shit. Everytime they pass me a paper and ask me to derive equations, I just struggle. Today's interview was one of the worse because I really didn't manage to answer much. Most of the time he was trying to help me on the interview. Until some point he gets frustrated as well. Sigh.

I have a master degree from top Universities of their region. I have 5 years of international exposure, plus a recent experience in my related field in Robert Bosch. I graduated with a very good grades. So what am I? Nothing! I can't even secure a job. What's the use of all these records anyway?!!!!

I guess it's time to realize, I am not the smart one. I am just normal.

Dream inside a dream (2 layers now)

I guess the fight is over. Actually it is already kinda awkward that we're still fighting after the break up. But I guess it is necessary at least both side is much clearer what is destined for us and what actually happened in the past. Well, it isn't really a mutual break up but at this point, I guess its fair to say it is unavoidable. Just one phrase summary, we just have our own way of handling htings and unable to tolerate with each other.

Ok, since this is over, there's no point talking about it anymore. The sweet memories will always be with me and will always pop up from time to time. But it's time for more serious stuff. I am already consider old and at the moment quite a useless person on earth.

I am talking bad about myself, but it is partially true. I am really low in confidence now. From the previous Friday until now, I have already being interviewed by 7 companies. 2 of them are called up because I was short listed. The other 5 was more like a career fair and I just did a walk in Interview. Everyone is very envious about my situation. But I can tell you honestly, non of those interview that I am confident to nail the job. Yes it's still early to tell, but it's like exams. You know exactly how you perform, and if you perform badly or so so, you can only hope that either the other candidates aren't performing well too, or basically no other candidates. Well, being a pessimistic person, and knowing my own performance during interview, it is likely I will nail any job. But of course I am still hoping I will receive phone calls from them for job offers.

I don't know what type of response or how they conduct interview for other professions. But at least I know for my field, in particular chip design, they don't usually ask you trick questions nor will they ask you questions that will proof your intelligence. In this field especially for a fresh graduates, the only thing they really want is a strong fundamentals in the theory. Most of the questions they ask are questions that have only a right or wrong solution. What I mean is for example they won't go and ask "give me 3 reasons why I should not hire you?" stuff like that. I classify these questions as abstract questions, where there are no right or wrong answer, but every answer you give reflects your intelligence or in general your character. Of course, one of the interview he asked me what is my greatest strength and weakness. That's about it.

Really, I am starting to doubt if I am suitable for this field despite obtaining a masters with a good grade. It's like I am not even strong with my fundamentals. I have been reading up for each interview, but when it comes to the real situation I just couldn't explain things well. Yes I did a good job in Bosch, and perhaps my working ability is good. But what's the point if I can't even get through the interview stage? Sigh.

These days I have been dreaming about the next morning waking up with a phone call about job offers. I am so desperate for job now. I need money to flow. On the lowest level, I need the money because I am staying in my uncle's place for free and I don't feel good about it. It's time for a payback. Also, at the age of 26, I should be doing something useful. On the luxurious side, I am already eyeing on some gadgets and goods I want to purchase and services I need to sign up for.

About gadgets, the first thing I want to get is a tablet. No, I am not going for Ipad. I am eyeing on the Asus EEE Pad Transformer(or Slider) with 3G. It is definitely much cheaper and it's android based. I have good faith with android because since it is own by google, it will be much easier for compatibility in the future because almost everything from the internet is own by google. The other advantage over ipad is the programmability, or customization. Ok, android tablet, the next target is android smartphone. HTC is my choice, and i think i'll go for incredible S series. And hopefully by end of the year, I am able to get some telezoom lens for my 550D.

Service is my physical appearance. First I need to get rid of my pimples. So it's time to see skin specialist which obviously gonna cost me alot. Then, orthodontist to beautify and to healthify my teeth. Yes yes, perhaps it's kinda late to wear braces but well, it's for my future anywayz. Then, I wanna sign up for German courses, continue to brush up my German. I believe my English level is good enough, so as my Chinese. I think it's advantageous to have a strong German background so I can deal with German customers in the future. Finally, I wanna take up Guitar courses as well.

Hmmm, ambitious me.

Now, Leave me alone!

Alright. I admit, I have been falling again to my Kryptonite. So many times it has happen but yet I didn't learn anything from it. I am such a NOOB!

Actually I wanted to blog about my failed interview which hurts me alot and I am already depressed about it. But today, I heard more things which made me even more sad. It's like throwing alcohol into burning fire. Sigh. I kept falling for the same trap, and really I don't know when I will stop falling for it anymore.

Well, it's nothing new. It was the truth, has been the truth since many many months ago. But I refuse to accept it though on the surface I sounded like I've already accepted it. Maybe I should just put it more direct. Yes it is about my past broken relationship. I don't feel like repeating what happened about the break up. But i'm reminded about it. What made me even more furious is that I've already mentioned many many times and she among all the people should know that I am in the midst of recovering so it's best not to disturb me and if she wanna be friends maybe in the future but definitely not now.

In one of my previous post, I said leave me alone if you don't have feelings anymore. But she sent me sms saying it's not true. So I interpret it in such a way that she still have feelings for me. Her intention to come down to Singapore even made me wonder this could be a turning point between us. OMG OMG. See how noob I am. Nah not her fault. She's not lying. I just misinterpret it. It was a huge misunderstanding. The truth has always been there, no changes. Since long before the break up the feeling wasn't there anymore. For whatever reason, I shouldn't bother. My main task is to realize that it is totally over.

What made me more furious is that until now, some people just don't realize what damage has been done. Now I am to be blamed for making her feelings fade away. Well, feelings faded is already quite hurting for the person to bear, it is even worse when the pain bearer is to be blamed. How on earth? U know when I came back to Singapore, I have so much memories and every where i go i think of it. Since I attended the wedding and the sj4p outing, I talked to people. From then, I tell myself no matter what I have to pull out the dagger from the heart. Not until I receive calls and sms again. Then i jump back into the hole. Hahahaha.

Somebody scolded me for being stupid in fb once. Well, I have always thought of myself to be smart in many ways. Honestly, I doubt myself now. I think she's right. I am stupid. Stupid for being stupid over and over again. This is call the stupid ultimatum.

So what now? Me being extremely sad about interview failure, and extremely sad about being screwed up by the same thing over and over again. Hatred, anger, pissed, regrets, sadness. U name it, it's all presence in my heart. Looks like the dagger not only hasn't been pull out, it goes in even deeper. Congratulations. You have just manage to destroy my heart yet again!

So, fucking leave me alone!