Actually I wanted to blog about my failed interview which hurts me alot and I am already depressed about it. But today, I heard more things which made me even more sad. It's like throwing alcohol into burning fire. Sigh. I kept falling for the same trap, and really I don't know when I will stop falling for it anymore.
Well, it's nothing new. It was the truth, has been the truth since many many months ago. But I refuse to accept it though on the surface I sounded like I've already accepted it. Maybe I should just put it more direct. Yes it is about my past broken relationship. I don't feel like repeating what happened about the break up. But i'm reminded about it. What made me even more furious is that I've already mentioned many many times and she among all the people should know that I am in the midst of recovering so it's best not to disturb me and if she wanna be friends maybe in the future but definitely not now.
In one of my previous post, I said leave me alone if you don't have feelings anymore. But she sent me sms saying it's not true. So I interpret it in such a way that she still have feelings for me. Her intention to come down to Singapore even made me wonder this could be a turning point between us. OMG OMG. See how noob I am. Nah not her fault. She's not lying. I just misinterpret it. It was a huge misunderstanding. The truth has always been there, no changes. Since long before the break up the feeling wasn't there anymore. For whatever reason, I shouldn't bother. My main task is to realize that it is totally over.
What made me more furious is that until now, some people just don't realize what damage has been done. Now I am to be blamed for making her feelings fade away. Well, feelings faded is already quite hurting for the person to bear, it is even worse when the pain bearer is to be blamed. How on earth? U know when I came back to Singapore, I have so much memories and every where i go i think of it. Since I attended the wedding and the sj4p outing, I talked to people. From then, I tell myself no matter what I have to pull out the dagger from the heart. Not until I receive calls and sms again. Then i jump back into the hole. Hahahaha.
Somebody scolded me for being stupid in fb once. Well, I have always thought of myself to be smart in many ways. Honestly, I doubt myself now. I think she's right. I am stupid. Stupid for being stupid over and over again. This is call the stupid ultimatum.
So what now? Me being extremely sad about interview failure, and extremely sad about being screwed up by the same thing over and over again. Hatred, anger, pissed, regrets, sadness. U name it, it's all presence in my heart. Looks like the dagger not only hasn't been pull out, it goes in even deeper. Congratulations. You have just manage to destroy my heart yet again!
So, fucking leave me alone!
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