U-boy

I was never somebody with confidence. Despite having a relatively good performance academically so far, I still feel that I don't belong to this field that I am studying. It's not just studies that I felt incompetent, in many other fields too. We speak about sports, I am good in basketball and badminton, yet I know I am below average players. Talent perhaps? I can play guitar but still a noob. Computer stuff? Yeah, basic photoshop and some basic hardware knowledge. On the outside, looks? that would be a close zero. body? two pairs of guitar(ribs) and a big heavy bass drums(tummy). So, what else am I good at? Basically nothing.

I am in a big company as an intern. I am still doubtful how did I get in here. I guess probably it's because of the phone interview, and I manage to scribble through the conversation despite not very fundamentally strong with my theories. Work experience? I have none. Pure academic CV. Now, I am a total noobie!

Lets talk about contribution to the society. I am 25 years old, at least 80% of my friends at this age are already earning some bucks, starting to pay off study debts, or started investments. Me? I am still draining my parent's money, and will be for another while more.

Maybe looking at a smaller circle. Among me and my close ones. I recall, throughout the past 1 1/2 years, I have spend only 30% or 40% of the total amount me and my gf spent. She treat me more meals, bought me more stuff. I somehow feel I am a leech, and I seriously don't feel good about it.

Okay, maybe money talks aren't quite interesting. How bout mental and emotional? I am a nomad. I was never settled at one place. I still remember patching things up with her last year April, and had a superb wonderful time till July. Then, I left her in tears as I have to leave to Singapore. I do visit home once a while, and she does visit me too. But counting the days we have vs the days we visit each other, it's probably 1/100 or more. Furthermore, I was never there by her side whenever she needed me. Then, I was there to have a such a wonderful 2 months holiday in June and July, now left her alone again back there and this time I am 10000km away from her for at least the next 9 months, without even the probability to visit each other often. Especially during critical moments, I was never there.

Forgive me for being pessimistic, but things would never be the same anymore after all these, despite surviving. Gap is porportional to time and distance. The longer it drags, the further the gap is. Don't even think of advising me to look at the future side. I hate the word future. Future is like a dream, where you can architect anything you want, but doesn't mean it will be true. Talk to me bout present times unless you come from the future.

I have no qualities of being somebody's boyfriend.

Sigh......Not so much invented for life, but incepted for life i guess!