心事重重

My heart, it's like 1 million ton heavy. For the past few weeks, I've been sleeping @ 4am the earliest and wake up around 1pm. I've been doing nothing but watching dramas and playing games. Some outings and dinner gatherings. Sounds fun right?? NOT!!! I'm just screwing up my life. I wanted to find a job but it's never easy. Have some barriers. Everyone around me is busy with something but i'm not. And trust me, i'm not trying to show how free i am, but instead I'm trying to tell u guys how useless i felt.

To those bloggers, I have a question for u guys. Have u guys ever look at your previous posts again?? Well I do once in a while to see what'd happen in the past. Maybe I'm just too Emo or Psycho. In fact i read most of the post way back since 2005. Of course i din read it in details since some of my post are really damn long. Erm in fact most of it are really long. But it's good enuf to refresh my memory by just sweeping it through. My mood turn worse when i was in the August, September and October 2006 section. Sighz, there was one comment by Jessica saying "it's fun going thru happy moments, but it won't be nice if it happen the 2nd time". I'd say, "damn i wish i can go thru those moments again".

It's november here. It's been 1 year 1 month since I'm back in Malaysia. It's the longest I've been out of Malaysia, out of my home. Why am I thinking all these things?? I know i should look forward, but each time i try to look, I'll get more fears. I'm just too coward to face the future. I've lots of expectations and hopes. But the more i hope, the more fears i'll have. 希望越高，失望越大。 I hav this instinct, or intuition, that there're part of the things which I'm putting hopes will not come thru. I'm sort of doing a gamble over here. Though i felt that the chances of happening is so low, but I still put hopes in it.

Anywayz, I know most of u guys won't understand what i'm trying to say here. It's my style of blogging. I don't usually put it so obvious. Honestly I hav a personal digital diary, which i'll write most of my feelings in it.

Btw, Joana is back in Germany for few days. She's my super senior and she left 1 1/2 years ago and now she's the chancellor of the UKM-UDE exchange program. When she was in Germany last time, we use to drink alot. Almost every week buying new type of alcohol to try out. At that time I was a super curious person, trying to find out wat is so nice bout alcohol but now thinking bout it, it was the most guiltiest moment. After she left I've seriously cut down and finally stop drinking totally bcoz I've made a promise to myself n someone. The day b4 yesterday we had a small dinner gathering wif her. She made Tom Yum for us and it was lecker!!! She invited me and a bunch of us to go club today but too bad clubbing is not my thing. Money is also a factor so i've decided to stay at home. Besides I felt really bad already doing nothing but oni going for parties. Maybe I'm not doing anything useful at home but at least I'm at home, makes me feel better. She and some UKM seniors are the ones that helped me so much during my first years in Germany. Without them, I don't think i'll survive till now. I'm glad to see her again and hope that she'll do fine in Malaysia. I'll come back "soon" and visit you Jo.

Oh ya, this post is mainly about my heavy feelings but i've not mentioned much bout it. But honestly I really don't know how to express it in words. Sighz. Guess after a good sleep i'll be fine.