Am I hurt or did i hurt you???

I might not be a very perfect person, but I always try to plan my steps carefully, and hopefully I will not get wrong. I know that humans do make mistakes, but I always tell myself to be careful not to make mistakes so that I don't have to be criticize by anyone. But I recently realized that I've been very wrong in things I've done.

I'll start way back from the past. In form 4 I started having a girlfriend. At that time, people used to know me as the Mr Good Guy. My girlfriend at that time was relatively sassy. Everytime she did something wrong, I have to cover up for her. I'll try to fulfill whatever she wants, without even thinking whether I'm able to do it or not. Well, I'm a very low self confident person, and I know I have to do double effort, or triple in order to keep my girlfriend by my side. Furthermore it's my first, and I'll do everything I could in order to stay in this relationships. I have friends telling me it's not worth doing so, and I just don't bother about it. Many times I've been invited for bball games, or outing by friends, but i fly kite. When I was in College, I start to feel very proud that I'm such a person. I've break up with her 2 times, with 1 of those I initiated it. I gave reasons because I've been hurt over and over again. At that time I've been very cruel to her. But after two months, my tears start dropping. I've regret of what I've just done, and I promise myself and to her that I'll not hurt her anymore. In that 2 months of break up period, she'd done really alot in order to get me back, but i was just so cold to her. You can use the world inhuman to describe what I've done. But miracle number 1 happen to me. I was given a second chance and we both got back together. Months after we get back together, I had this thing set in mind, that i'm mister good guy. So whatever you do, you must think if you've done right or not. Again, I believe I've been treating her really badly, which of course I don't see it at that time.

Finally in 2004, the 3rd break up occurs. the break up lasted 2 years. During this period, both of us walked on our life in different style. But most of the time I've been trying to prove that she's in the wrong, and it's all her fault. I just try to get attention from everyone that she hurt me so deeply. Even my previous post, whether directly or indirectly I've been trying to send a message to everyone that it's never my fault. However, we get back together in 2006. Miracle number 2 happen. Though our relationship was an up and down unstable one, and it's a LDR, but we manage to keep till last June, where i broke up with her again. At that time I had lots of reason for this break up, and convince everyone to believe that I've made the right path. maybe i was selfish, but I believe is for our own good. But time proven my decision wrong.

I've always being the ridiculous one. I've been the mean party between the both of us. I always try to find fault from her, but the biggest fault occur in myself. I've made a big promise not to hurt her anymore, but yet I hurt her again and again, and especially the latest one which is the break up in June. I was fortunate to know that both of us still have feelings for each other, but I believe it won't be for long. Why??? Because I know I'm not the Mr Good Guy anymore. Though we've been contacting each other in emails/telephones, but each time all i know is to hurt her over and over again. It turns out to be that I'm mr evil!!! At this very moment, I felt deeply the guiltyness and all the bad things I've done. During the first break up, I felt that I deserve better. But now, i wish someone could punish me hard. I don't expect anything from her anymore, not even another chance. I've wasted too many di, and I'm starting to lose confidence in myself anymore. Maybe I should just stay single, that way no one will get hurt.

I just wish the best for her now. No matter what happen in the future, I'm really glad that I've been given so many chances, and most importantly I've been given a chance to had such a wonderful moment. Thank you and sorry.....