Monday 30th May

Being optimistic today, I guess I can consider today as a fruitful day. First I got my graduation letter and I've sent out several job application. Whether I get it or not that's a different story. But at least since I came back till now, I was not really doing anything serious at all. This also signal the beginning of my job hunting in Singapore. Well, despite being highly qualified, I've already been warned about the current situation in Singapore regarding hiring foreigners. Like I said, I can't be worried too much about that so I just have to keep applying.

Then I went to Vivo City to have dinner and catch movie with some sj4pians in Singapore. Of course again the emotional strike happen as Outram park MRT station, Harbourfront, Vivocity has been one of the most frequently visited place when we were together. It is also a bus terminal for to and from KL via Aeroline. The starbucks there gave me lots of memories because I always camp there for coffee before I depart to Malaysia. Other than that, we had several nice meals there including Brotzeit, the japanese restaurant and many more. Oh yeah it is also the place where we take the skytrain to Sentosa Island. Reminds me of Universal Studio and the island itself. One more thing, they have the Hershey's outlet there and it gave me some flashbacks as well.

Well, i don't want to touch those emotional stuff too much. Anyway today's movie outing wasn't that bad at all. Initially it was abit numb because I am not very good in initiating conversation and especially I have been gone for so long. But slowly we get into the groove and I start being the lame guy again. This time Min Yee and her boyfriend came, along with her boyfriend's brother. Total 7 of us. We had soup for dinner, which is obviously not good enough for my huge appetite. But it's ok as long as we enjoyed the chat. As most of them came directly from work, and seeing them with their working attire makes me kinda envy them having a job in Singapore. Sometimes it's about timing, not just qualification. They're all Malaysians and having the same qualification, but I guess they were lucky to get a job before foreign talent has become a big issue around.

Oops drifting out of topic again. Back to the outing. We watched Kungfu Panda 2, which wasn't that great honestly coz the jokes were lame, but not in the funny way. Story line was predictable and well, I am not so much a of animation guy. Luckily the movie only lasted 1 1/2 hour approximately. Then we headed home and 6 of us stayed in Jurong area. Again we chat and laugh in the MRT about jokes and stuff, it was really fun. I never had that since a long time ago. I hope we will have more of this kinda outing. But the positive side is that they're stil staying in Jurong area which makes outing even easier. We will have a BBQ session soon, at my place just like old time.

So much for the outing today, back to the boring life. This week I will try to pick up some of my lecture notes and read up some fundamentals again since there's a campus interview next week. I signed up for 4 particular companies but my main job position is analog design. So i'll prepare hard for that and of course do some research on the company's background. any additional advice is highly appreciated!!

That's all for now. Cheerz!

life like it should be

Again, I expected this to happen. But not the way it should happen. Today I attended a wedding of a classmate in Pan Pacific Hotel, just opposite to Suntec City. This is also the first time I travel so far with the MRT after I came back last Monday. As I've already mentioned, this MRT line and Suntec City gave me alot of sweet memories in the past. Furthermore, I am attending a wedding. Seeing a couple finally get tied up together will naturally make me jealous especially my relationship was never fruitful.

But it wasn't really the journey to Pan Pacific hotel nor the wedding dinner that made me sad. The main reason was because I went with Gibran and throughout the journey I had a nice chat with him. In the dinner, There are few classmates attended and we joke and laugh so much. I was kinda back to my lameness since being a silent guy for months especially those time in Germany. Food obviously wasn't that great eventhough there're expensive food like shark fin or abalone. But overall the dinner wasn't that bad. The only bad thing is I am reminded by my classmates about my case with STMicroelectronics and might dent my career advancement in Singapore because i'm potentially blacklisted. Well I can't be too worried bout that at the moment. Just have to keep trying until I really face a dead end.

The sad part only start to kick in when Gibran receive a call to meet up with his girlfriend and that reminded me alot about how I used to have that and Was eager to leave the place to meet up with mine. Now that is over, I don't know when I'll have that experience again. The journey back was also quite suffering as I was alone and I had a long journey to have all those flashbacks. Honestly even until now after 3 months, I admit I am still putting hopes that things might turn around. The hope wasn't totally just a dream when I receive a surprise call and smses from her. I wasn't able to talk nicely with her mainly because deep down in me I am still feeling angry and upset over a sudden change of feelings which led to the break up. Now that I'm waiting for champions league final to start, I had some time to think bout it again. The last sms I think I made a very straight forward question regarding the "hope", and receive no reply at all. I suppose that already answer to my question. She just wanted to visit Singapore, not really me. I appreciate, her effort to try to be friends again like I've mentioned in the previous post. But I am just too weak to move on at the moment. It's good to know, but it's just hard to accept. But still, a good sign for me. At least I can slap myself everytime I think of the hope and start to move on whichever way I am able to.

Of my 26 years of life, 10 years I've been on and off relationship with the same person. To be honest, those 10 years was the most extreme years for me, meaning the best time I ever had, and also the worse. Literally, I have to remove this 10 years from my life, and minus those first few years being a noob baby, I have only 10 years of remaining memories. Again, among this 10 remaining years, most of my time I dedicate to academic achievement. So that left me theoretically with not much sweet memories of my childhood, or my teenage life, or even my young adult life. I am 26, the last quarter of my twenties. I wish I could really fast forward to the time where I am enjoying again. I hope it's not that far away. 2011 is not a good year for me, and if i extrapolate this trend, I guess it'll last for the whole 2011. Just hope I can get my career started soon and hope I can find ways to really enjoy life.

Everyone dies, but not everyone live a life like they should. I am definitely wasting my one and only life.

Love or leave me alone.

She called. Then She smsed. Wonder what is the purpose. Perhaps just wanna keep in touch. Wanna be friends. I appreciate that. But on all the people in this world, she should know better how difficult it is for me to be friends again in such a short time. If she have no feelings, perhaps its better to stay out of my way. Leave me alone and let me recover. Stop making me getting excited over something and the next thing is I have to realize it's just an illusion.

Wonders

I don't know how to describe my feeling today. But definitely not a positive one. I won't lie to anybody including myself. I am just not doing fine. Everywhere I go in Singapore, everything I do its just filled with memories. I am not taking it easily. I am trying to move but I just can't take even a step. I just wonder how she can move on so easily. I just wonder if she still have flashbacks on those sweet moments as often as I do. I just wonder if she ever missed this relationship. I know I shouldn't think of this anymore. But I am just sad. How did a 10 years relationship ended so drastically and everything just vanish. Maybe i'm just too much of an emotional guy. Perhaps I'm just too free these days. I need a job ASAP.

It bleeds, but it must be done

I am still not quite progressing with my recovery, but I guess I am excused since this is only the first week. Maybe when I start to work, then things will go faster. That's another issue actually. Wonder if I am able to get a job soon.

Singapore meant alot to me eventhough I've only stayed here for a short 1 year time. I have also left singapore approximately 1 year and nothing really changed. I went to NTU today and yesterday. Today I manage to meet up with my Professor and we had a good chat. He gave me slight hopes about helping me to forward resume and propose a PhD program for me but I have to apply immediately because the deadline is already past. Well, given a short time and seriously not quite interested in doing more research, I turned down his offer. I've also signed up for a campus interview next week and hopefully things goes well. I will try to find a part time job mean time.

Its not my main topic to talk about Jobs. I felt very emotional when I was in NTU, and then Jurong Point. I have lots of bittersweet memories in Jurong Point. Especially when things didn't change, I just felt so much at every corner I am there. I know it is gone. In NTU, I used to stay back and fight on the phone at certain spots. These spots are just so clear in my mind as if it is still happening. Then the MRT of course. On Saturday I am attending my friend's wedding near to City Hall MRT where Suntec City and Esplanade is. Next week I am going to Vivo city for movie. These are the places that gave me lots of sweet memories and I am pretty sure I am going to be very emotional again there. I even wanted to go alone to those places at night to capture some night scene with my DSLR but thinking bout it, it is quite risky as my tears will fall anytime.

There might be a slight chance things might change, but I am not taking it. I look at what have happened the past few months and the life she's living recently, clearly I am not prioritized anymore. I am sorry for being selfish and might end up just being single and alone, but I don't think I can take it if I am not given the love I demand. It is not the same anymore. In fact in this two years, the only sweet time we had was when we are able to spend time together. Other days when we're separated, we're just fighting. Yes it is obvious it can't be sweet all year round, but we're like at extreme ends. Either sweet or fight.

I even start to wonder, am I in love with her or the past. Each time we got back, things are just so much different that until a point we can't tolerate with each other. It seems like this is happening over and over again.

Believe me, I really wanted all those sweet memories to happen again. I really wanted this relationship to work again. But day after day, observation after observation, it seems things are slowly fading away. I guess its time to pull out the dagger from the heart and start moving on no matter how much it will bleed.

"The future is scary, but you can't just run back to the past because it is familiar".

I hope singapore will treat me will, and I hope my career will start soon and give me things to hope for.

Touched Down

Reached Singapore. As expected, I already start to feel all sorts of emotional attack when I reach back home. Despite expecting all these, it is so overwhelming that I still can't find a way to overcome this emotional blockade. Yeah yeah, time helps, but I am starting to doubt that on me. It's been 3 months and I don't see any progress at all. I didn't try hard enough, or perhaps I am just doing all the wrong things to recover.

I guess it is always like that. When you know the other party is enjoying, and being happy about it, it naturally spurs up the jealousy, the anger or whatever dark feelings. I am 26 and I know I am not suppose to be like that. Why spent so much energy hating somebody who doesn't care about this relationship since long time ago? I guess there's no answer to this question. Only those who've been through will know how hard it is.

Speaking about going through, I have been through this so many times. Yet, everything it hurts as much as the previous.

I guess I feel better when I blog it out. But, it is not a long term solution. I just recall how foolish I was. I fought my way so hard to convince my stubborn parents that she's the one, and left pursuing my career thinking that my relationship is stable. But I guess distance is really a good test and obviously we didn't past this test. Sometimes facebook also show a true color of a person. I think back at what she said last november wondering if she is single while we are together at that time. Yeah explanation have been done, but now i think back it's not even valid. More like excuses. I guess she really felt at that point to be out of the relationship. I was just too foolish to lie to myself to accept all these excuses. Facebook is not called "facebook" for no reason. It's a book where it writes out what is on your face!

The February UK trip was great, only to know that it was great to me but not to her. Now I felt guilty that she have to pretend things are going well during that time. Should have realize, when things aren't going right I just have to face it. Same as this time. I get blamed for not waiting. So what if i wait? things aren't the same anymore anywayz. If the desire is there, she would've contacted me and try to meet me up in Europe. It is a clear indication. No more feelings. Full stop.

As a friend, I should really be happy for her that she's finally smiling and truely enjoying. But I admit, I am just selfish. Now I just feel like cursing. I hope I will get away from this mess soon.

Sux II

Tomorrow Budapest. My mood today swang from up to down and again the main factor affecting my mood is so inappropriate. I just wonder when I can start to move on. It's like I have never even take one step to move on. I am still stuck in the same position all the time.

I hate people or even myself when the "what if" thingy strike my mind or people tell me about it. Ok so it's now and the future that matters. Unfortunately for me, the what if is hurting me so much whether its my own thinking or people questioning me.

Since the break, I was being victimized, finger pointed and shot by all parties.(except for those who really knew me well) First it was directly from her. It wasn't a break up just in one day. It was a whole week thingy, or strictly speaking it's months. Since months ago before we broke up, things already changed. Then come closer to the week where it happened. Clearly the priority have been mixed up. Then finally some incident ignite the fire. But to be very very crystal clear, it wasn't that incident that causes the break up. The problem has always been there just that the incident make it happen that's all. So what happened that particular week? She sounded so cold and as if there's not much things left for this relationship to be hold on to. Naturally, that means the relationship is fucked despite me being so unwilling to let go. But I guess a normal human with some IQ would know that's the time to back up.

So next thing was I'm sad. Extremely sad. I shouted on facebook bout my sadness, wherever I am. Even when I'm in the office. Then i got screwed up there so innocently. As if it was wrong to shout on my facebook. Erm, the last thing I rememered, it was my own wall. I can't even scribble on my own wall.

Then finally everything was set and done, and I start to tell myself no point shouting. I kept myself low from social network, she called back. But hell, for someone who can be so certain that the feeling wasn't there for months already, and things already changes since months ago, suddenly call u when u're all set and done. Obviously it was just a reaction of anger, hatred, perhaps jealousy and disastisfaction. I wish it wasn't all these. But I have to realize that.

Fast forward to now, two months later, I felt I have just broke up yesterday. It's like having to settle down all over again. I bet when I reached Singapore it would be even worse. Receive an email from her don't even understand a single word she's saying. So what actually made my day happy, honestly it was her previous email saying that she wanted to come to Singapore to find me if I'm there. But the latest email admitting that she's in UK and as my previous post stated, I was pissed about it. Now she said I didn't wait for things to happen. Great.

Despite until now still can't handle the break up and still pretty much thinking bout the relationship, I start to realize I am not that special to her after all. Though among all the boyfriends she had she claimed I'm the most special one, I felt her words are just not strong enough to convince me anymore at this moment. It's just simply because there's no action to support her words. I think back at our relationship, alot of things I didn't achieve with her as fast as she and other guys. I don't think she can really have fun with me compared to other guys. It's like I am Mr. Reliable but not Mr. fun. We have broke up and got back together so many times. Definitely it's not the timing that matters. Even intimacy is far way less comparing me and her previous few. Maybe it's not right to compare with others, but lets just compare me and myself the previous time we patched things up. It was totally different. Did she ever enjoy this relationship? I guess I can only say I felt not at all. Like I said, I'm just the Mr. Realible that's all.

Honestly, my requirements of a girlfriend/wife is kinda simple. She love me, she enjoy spending time with me, she made me felt I'm special and main thing is security. Don't have to be supermodel figure, or angel cutie looks, or rich or whatever. Isn't that so hard?

Day 2 in Prague. Day 5 of my trip overall. A month ago, I left lots of expectation on this trip. To me it was a trip that brought many meanings. One was some sort of "graduation"trip. A family reunion trip. and a trip for me to release my emoness after what happened last two months.

I didn't quite enjoy as I expected I would be. Mainly because my parents are slow and I have alot of moments when I'm alone. I'm alone and it is always the most dangerous part where I get very emotional. Paris was a romantic city. Prague, a party city. I was never a party guy and never had parties with her but Since the previous time we broke up until we got back together, she was a party girl and all these while I guess my mind haven't stop thinking she is. That's why it reminds me of her so much.

Of course besides that, I've seen lots of couples on the street especially those Asian ones that made me really emotional. I was suppose to be in trip with my family and love one, but it didn't happen. I feel terribly bad that I couldn't find ways to fully enjoy the trip and I felt sorry for my parents who came so far just to face my black grumpy face. I get very impatient even to my parents these days. I guess it hurts so much that I can't recover my emotion everytime I think of it. Two months have past. The first month I took it quite ok. Perhaps it's because I still have friends to hang out and kept myself occupied and during the day time I have work to do. That time I never thought that I am kinda desperate for love. Just don't know why now I feel so much. I didn't wanted to share with my mother because I don't know how to. We never shared these stuff before.

Sigh. Is it really that bad? Why am I so desperate? Why can't I enjoy some single life first? I don't know. Perhaps I felt I am so low confident that I could never get another romance after this. Perhaps I am getting older and also starting to worry about not able to get one later. I see those Asian couples on the street, and i observe that some girls are quite pretty but yet the boyfriend is like fucking ugly. I mean I am never confident about my looks anyway, but if I can say they're ugly, means they're really fucking ugly. BUt they got the girl. I ask myself why I don't? OK besides my looks I think I have lots of quality. I am not a playboy, not those alcoholic, a good guy with big brains and some talents. Why am I not getting it? Shit man. I think girls like bad boys not ppl like me!