Touched Down

Reached Singapore. As expected, I already start to feel all sorts of emotional attack when I reach back home. Despite expecting all these, it is so overwhelming that I still can't find a way to overcome this emotional blockade. Yeah yeah, time helps, but I am starting to doubt that on me. It's been 3 months and I don't see any progress at all. I didn't try hard enough, or perhaps I am just doing all the wrong things to recover.

I guess it is always like that. When you know the other party is enjoying, and being happy about it, it naturally spurs up the jealousy, the anger or whatever dark feelings. I am 26 and I know I am not suppose to be like that. Why spent so much energy hating somebody who doesn't care about this relationship since long time ago? I guess there's no answer to this question. Only those who've been through will know how hard it is.

Speaking about going through, I have been through this so many times. Yet, everything it hurts as much as the previous.

I guess I feel better when I blog it out. But, it is not a long term solution. I just recall how foolish I was. I fought my way so hard to convince my stubborn parents that she's the one, and left pursuing my career thinking that my relationship is stable. But I guess distance is really a good test and obviously we didn't past this test. Sometimes facebook also show a true color of a person. I think back at what she said last november wondering if she is single while we are together at that time. Yeah explanation have been done, but now i think back it's not even valid. More like excuses. I guess she really felt at that point to be out of the relationship. I was just too foolish to lie to myself to accept all these excuses. Facebook is not called "facebook" for no reason. It's a book where it writes out what is on your face!

The February UK trip was great, only to know that it was great to me but not to her. Now I felt guilty that she have to pretend things are going well during that time. Should have realize, when things aren't going right I just have to face it. Same as this time. I get blamed for not waiting. So what if i wait? things aren't the same anymore anywayz. If the desire is there, she would've contacted me and try to meet me up in Europe. It is a clear indication. No more feelings. Full stop.

As a friend, I should really be happy for her that she's finally smiling and truely enjoying. But I admit, I am just selfish. Now I just feel like cursing. I hope I will get away from this mess soon.