Tomorrow Budapest. My mood today swang from up to down and again the main factor affecting my mood is so inappropriate. I just wonder when I can start to move on. It's like I have never even take one step to move on. I am still stuck in the same position all the time.
I hate people or even myself when the "what if" thingy strike my mind or people tell me about it. Ok so it's now and the future that matters. Unfortunately for me, the what if is hurting me so much whether its my own thinking or people questioning me.
Since the break, I was being victimized, finger pointed and shot by all parties.(except for those who really knew me well) First it was directly from her. It wasn't a break up just in one day. It was a whole week thingy, or strictly speaking it's months. Since months ago before we broke up, things already changed. Then come closer to the week where it happened. Clearly the priority have been mixed up. Then finally some incident ignite the fire. But to be very very crystal clear, it wasn't that incident that causes the break up. The problem has always been there just that the incident make it happen that's all. So what happened that particular week? She sounded so cold and as if there's not much things left for this relationship to be hold on to. Naturally, that means the relationship is fucked despite me being so unwilling to let go. But I guess a normal human with some IQ would know that's the time to back up.
So next thing was I'm sad. Extremely sad. I shouted on facebook bout my sadness, wherever I am. Even when I'm in the office. Then i got screwed up there so innocently. As if it was wrong to shout on my facebook. Erm, the last thing I rememered, it was my own wall. I can't even scribble on my own wall.
Then finally everything was set and done, and I start to tell myself no point shouting. I kept myself low from social network, she called back. But hell, for someone who can be so certain that the feeling wasn't there for months already, and things already changes since months ago, suddenly call u when u're all set and done. Obviously it was just a reaction of anger, hatred, perhaps jealousy and disastisfaction. I wish it wasn't all these. But I have to realize that.
Fast forward to now, two months later, I felt I have just broke up yesterday. It's like having to settle down all over again. I bet when I reached Singapore it would be even worse. Receive an email from her don't even understand a single word she's saying. So what actually made my day happy, honestly it was her previous email saying that she wanted to come to Singapore to find me if I'm there. But the latest email admitting that she's in UK and as my previous post stated, I was pissed about it. Now she said I didn't wait for things to happen. Great.
Despite until now still can't handle the break up and still pretty much thinking bout the relationship, I start to realize I am not that special to her after all. Though among all the boyfriends she had she claimed I'm the most special one, I felt her words are just not strong enough to convince me anymore at this moment. It's just simply because there's no action to support her words. I think back at our relationship, alot of things I didn't achieve with her as fast as she and other guys. I don't think she can really have fun with me compared to other guys. It's like I am Mr. Reliable but not Mr. fun. We have broke up and got back together so many times. Definitely it's not the timing that matters. Even intimacy is far way less comparing me and her previous few. Maybe it's not right to compare with others, but lets just compare me and myself the previous time we patched things up. It was totally different. Did she ever enjoy this relationship? I guess I can only say I felt not at all. Like I said, I'm just the Mr. Realible that's all.
Honestly, my requirements of a girlfriend/wife is kinda simple. She love me, she enjoy spending time with me, she made me felt I'm special and main thing is security. Don't have to be supermodel figure, or angel cutie looks, or rich or whatever. Isn't that so hard?
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