It bleeds, but it must be done

I am still not quite progressing with my recovery, but I guess I am excused since this is only the first week. Maybe when I start to work, then things will go faster. That's another issue actually. Wonder if I am able to get a job soon.

Singapore meant alot to me eventhough I've only stayed here for a short 1 year time. I have also left singapore approximately 1 year and nothing really changed. I went to NTU today and yesterday. Today I manage to meet up with my Professor and we had a good chat. He gave me slight hopes about helping me to forward resume and propose a PhD program for me but I have to apply immediately because the deadline is already past. Well, given a short time and seriously not quite interested in doing more research, I turned down his offer. I've also signed up for a campus interview next week and hopefully things goes well. I will try to find a part time job mean time.

Its not my main topic to talk about Jobs. I felt very emotional when I was in NTU, and then Jurong Point. I have lots of bittersweet memories in Jurong Point. Especially when things didn't change, I just felt so much at every corner I am there. I know it is gone. In NTU, I used to stay back and fight on the phone at certain spots. These spots are just so clear in my mind as if it is still happening. Then the MRT of course. On Saturday I am attending my friend's wedding near to City Hall MRT where Suntec City and Esplanade is. Next week I am going to Vivo city for movie. These are the places that gave me lots of sweet memories and I am pretty sure I am going to be very emotional again there. I even wanted to go alone to those places at night to capture some night scene with my DSLR but thinking bout it, it is quite risky as my tears will fall anytime.

There might be a slight chance things might change, but I am not taking it. I look at what have happened the past few months and the life she's living recently, clearly I am not prioritized anymore. I am sorry for being selfish and might end up just being single and alone, but I don't think I can take it if I am not given the love I demand. It is not the same anymore. In fact in this two years, the only sweet time we had was when we are able to spend time together. Other days when we're separated, we're just fighting. Yes it is obvious it can't be sweet all year round, but we're like at extreme ends. Either sweet or fight.

I even start to wonder, am I in love with her or the past. Each time we got back, things are just so much different that until a point we can't tolerate with each other. It seems like this is happening over and over again.

Believe me, I really wanted all those sweet memories to happen again. I really wanted this relationship to work again. But day after day, observation after observation, it seems things are slowly fading away. I guess its time to pull out the dagger from the heart and start moving on no matter how much it will bleed.

"The future is scary, but you can't just run back to the past because it is familiar".

I hope singapore will treat me will, and I hope my career will start soon and give me things to hope for.