Anger + X

To be honest, wasn't a good week for me. To be honest, I had myself motivated because on Tuesday I receive smses which not that special in terms of the content, but it was sms I was hoping for it to arrive. Then my excitement drove me the whole few days, until today I start to realize again, that the person who sent me the sms is already gone from my side. It is hard for me to recover, cause I know myself. I am very serious with my relationship and now it is over, I take it seriously as well. If one day you find me totally being able to let go, its either there's some miracle happen or perhaps I'm dead. But whatever it is, I have to realize that it is over, sooner or later. Just that, it is easy to say, clear what I should do, but just too difficult to execute it.

So besides being sad, I was furious as well. My facebook has turn ugly, being accused of things which are totally the opposite, but I just keep it low. Not that I am lazy to defend myself, but it seems I've been doing that the whole time and the only thing I get is me being childish and always trying to win. Eventually, everyone knows I'm the loser. So what did I win? You tell me. Perhaps you can enlighten me or make me happy by telling me that.

Anyway, its soon coming to the end of March and April, suppose to be one of those months that I totally look forward to, has become now something that I doubt I'll be happy about.

You know, even now we've parted our separate ways, the only thing that kept striking me was how good to have her, and how much she've done for me. I always value the time we've been. Its not even about who's right who's wrong. I've my low times, I've my ridiculous moment, so as everyone. Just felt human being can turn the table around when things turn bad. Now, I am the bad one. And because of that, I'm not suppose to be sad. I am suppose to be the happy one. Right?

Well, just look at who's the one being happy and who's the one being sad. Yes, when I'm writing this post, I'm feeling full of anger, jealousy, hatred, sadness and all the negative feelings. I should let go. If she's happy, I should let go. I bet she is. So, please let go!

Day 7

Yesterday was really the must hurting day in this two weeks of drama I guess. Eventhough the call was already made last week, but the whole week we've been pulling and pushing each other and just when it seems things might turn around, it ended up over. But yesterday, finally she stop contacting me and I guess she's starting to enjoy life.

I was always looking forward to my weekly monday basketball game. Yesterday however I wasn't even concentrating at all. The worse was my tears nearly drop while I'm still in the game. That was the worst experience in this whole break up story. I purposely left my phone at home the whole day and thought i can look forward to sms or call when i reach home. But I got nothing. Honestly, I know its stupid but i just don't understand how she can claim her regretness and stuff but yet now she don't even show anymore emotion. I guess this is what she really wanted. I should have been happy for her, but I guess me being a human have my degree of selfishness. I hope there will be one day I can be truely happy for her life.

Maybe people wonder why am I the one being sad since at the end it was my decision to call for it. As much as I want it to turn back, I felt this is the best for her. Since some time ago I've already realize we have a great gap between us, and in this two weeks it shows even clearer that she don't value the relationship as how she used to be anymore. Feeling has faded. Despite there's a huge chance of getting back on Sunday, I still turn down. Not because I want to show superiority, but I felt this is a decision she made without really realizing what she really want.

I guess now she's much clearer and I guess she's is on the right track to be happy. Well, for me the past 9 years I've never let go and despite having few breaks before, I can never let go so easily. I know that I am always the loser in this sense. I noe I need a change. But its just at this point so impossible. I don't have something to focus on now and I guess that's why I kept thinking bout the past. As much as good memories can give, I guess that will only be in the past between us.

Well, at least I don't feel so bad today. But I don't deny that inside me I'm still putting some hope. Probably that's why I don't feel emotional today. I predict when I start realizing all hopes are gone, I guess that will be really hurting. I hope I'm prepared for it when that strikes me.

For now I really thank friends and family. They really pull me through from getting even more depressed. Talking to people really helps alot. Thank you all.

Day 5 Official

Sometimes, it's just hard to describe a particular feeling that I am having. So it's finally really over this time. I just don't understand why I am sorta not allowed to be sad over my decision since its made by me myself. I just made it because it was clear after a long fights and argue on Friday and Saturday. I am not trying to be the winner in all situation, just that I find all I said was just bounced back by saying I'm childish. I don't even think its the matter of being mature or childish anymore. I just felt its difficult to continue that way if a relationship isn't valued that much. I may have been a jerk in the past being such control freak, but I think this time it shows from her side the lack of commitment and relationship priority when our relationship is already on the verge of breaking.

Yes, now she finally wanted to patch things up, which I have been trying to do the whole time this week until I gave up on Friday. I guess its fair to say, when u lose it u realize how important it is. But that is not going to be a long term solution. Imagine what will happen when there's already kids around and after marriage.

Well, now is time to cool off. Now is the time for recovery. But I guess as time goes by, she'll realize perhaps I am not the one she really want. Perhaps now its just because I made the call and I felt sad about it.

I guess from today on, my phone will not ring or sms that often anymore. Honestly, I miss those times. Really. I cherish every moment we had. Godspeed recover is what I need now. By the time I return home, I guess she'll have a wonderful life attached or single. As for me, I have always been the guy who's stuck in the past. So, the only thing that can really make me happy is to get out and start moving forward. This normally can be achieve with a life breakthrough. I hope I will get one.

For now, if you ask me how i felt about things, I am still very very sad, depressed and still trying to find ways to recover, despite calling for it. Hope it won't last.

Day 3 Official

When a relationship gone bad, its human nature to start pointing fingers. I felt so injustice but just don't know how to put it down here. I mean, I will talk about it, but don't think its easy to express the whole feelings with words.

This relationship starts to fall in recent months. Honestly, I take the blame as it was me who caused that to happen. I was insecure, and I become very control freak, sensitive, and jealous. In a way, I conclude myself as being a jerk. So finally everything crack, and we fight over it. After cooling down, I sincerely apologize to her. I wanted things to work out. But she don't seem keen. But all she gave me was she don't know what to do. I gave her time to think, but she wrote off by saying its not going to work even if i gave time. So in a blitz, she told me that she will hold on, but didn't even show signs that she wanted this anymore. I reckon, I talk nicely to her and I clearly understand it takes time to recover from everything like that. But, she sounded like shit to me, its like stepping the wound between us even more. I still talk nicely, but ended up being labelled as childish.

The other thing I felt injustice about is facebook wall post. I was badly down emotionally, and all I did was sharing in facebook. I might have been posted excessively but hey its my wallpost after all and i'm just being sad ain't? The worse thing was she said that was too much. I was like WTF? Erm its not my game to do comparison, but look at how she usually rant out wall post when we quarrel? How come when she did it, its totally ok but when I do it, I'm childish? Just because I am a guy and she's a girl? oh tell me since when i guy cannot be sad over a break up?

One word to describe, lack of commitment.

I have demands and expectation. But it all came from the same person. I have only been in relationship with one person, and of course all my expectation comes from the same person. But when that person reacted differently, who'd changed?

All I wanted to tell her was that she didn't show that relationship is priority when you need it be in priority. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect her to put everything behind our relationship. Just that since last week itself we were already fighting and the relationship is on the verge of breaking. Instead of settling it first, no she didn't. When I brought this up to her, She tell me relationship is not everything. Perhaps its clear by that time that my assumptions towards her are wrong and i think i can't take it with somebody who doesn't put relationship first when it is needed.

And she just focus on looking good. She's just afraid people will think bad about her if the break up happens. Then it is damn clear she didn't care about this relationship much anymore, she just care about the looks of it. Worse thing I expect her to do is that she went to my parents and tell her about our break up. The purpose was that she's afraid I will tell different story and my mom will hate her. So who's childish here?

U know the worse type of break up is when you have to feel sad, depress and injustice. I still find it hard to take it, and I'm struggling. But I guess thats the best choice.

Day 2 Official

Today my concentration was way too low in the office. Every 5 mins I stare at the phone. The conversation we had on Wednesday kept circulating my mind. Its like, she didn't want to let go. Yes it made me so happy. But the reason was coz if we break my parents is gonna hate her, n my friends is gonna hate her. The reason why didn't want to hold on, was because I have been ridiculous and really made her pressured. Honestly, in this few days I really thought of it and I realize I have been acting like a jerk. I wish i could change things around. But, this few days her conversation was cold towards me and didn't show signs that she want to hold on with the hope I'll change. She wiped out all possibility by saying i'll only give empty promises as i always do. I guess at this point, it is clear that i am not worth being trusted anymore.

So I thought maybe I should let go if she's happier that way. Yes, I also admit when i told her that, i want to see what is her reaction. If she shows contention to let go and hope I'll still hold on, I can still be positive about things. But all she gave me was that she don't know. Sometimes it doesn't have to say it out loud, i guess this reaction already shows its over.

I was reluctant, I am still very reluctant to let go. Trust me, I am feeling like dying, but by saying this I am assuring you I will not do stupid things don't worry. I thought to reduce my sadness and to speed up my recovery, I should cut all contacts from her first. But I am too weak to withstand it. I burst out, sent emotional sms to her, but I was labelled childish. I guess loving someone, and losing the one u love, and show signs of unwillingness to let go means childish.

Now, I am to be blame for ruining this relationship and not giving chance to turn things around because i changed fb status. I guess everyone knows, facebook status doesn't mean anything at all if things were to turn around at this point. But I guess, things aren't turning around because the feeling is faded, the heart is faded, the will is faded as well.

How much more tears that will fall? How long I need to recover? How and what should I do now?? Its just so difficult for me.

Day 1 official

I talk about how bad the situation is, and when finally things are over and stuff like that. But in my mind, I was still putting hopes that things are not happening and kept convincing inside myself that it will not happen. But eventually it happen and I guess nobody could ever understand the feeling of that. Until now, its still burning deep but yet i'm still hoping it was just a nightmare and things will turn around in this few days.

Obviously i have to be awake. How to hope for someone who've basically not much feelings left for you to revive a relationship? How to hope for somebody who only wanted to hold on because don't want to be the bad one? Signs that show it is over, means its over. If its a fight, its solvable. If its a miscommunication, its solvable. If its a gap, its solvable. If its feelings dead, goodbye.

Today is officially day 1. How many n days i have to go through this to heal?

Day 2

I manage to sleep somewhere around 2-3am ytd and manage to wake up on time to office. As I've mentioned, my workload is getting more these days and finally I am given the professional version of the tool i'm using for my design. Took me some time to learn the functionality, but now its up and running, I guess i'll be busy for the next few days. Good thing is, I can get myself to focus on my work at least in the office so i won't get too depressed. However, the emotional feeling still strikes me from time to time no matter where i am. I mean, for the whole past 2 years, its been all about her. Almost everything i do.

As usual, tears still dropping while I am at home. I can't control it. Its like every few mins I got strike by this heartache, and then my tears burst out. I don't think I can ever get through this the way I see it. Just one month ago I was enjoying my time so much, and just 1 week ago, everything seems still going smoothly. I looked back at my V-day gifts, its so wonderful. The words in the card kept popping up my mind. How would i forget?

I also got bad news about jobs, just got rejected by a company in Germany. Right now, i felt really down. I felt I am incapable of almost everything. My life seems to be so ruined at this point. I can't even barely smile.

Aftermath

Something that took off my mind from dropping tears today, the weekly monday basketball game. Well, I was quite afraid i will get cramp like last time coz I didn't have enough sleep yet playing 5 vs 5 full court basketball. But my time here is running up, so there're not much games left. I want to perform in every game. But sometimes, i felt I think too hard how I should play the game. First half I missed almost all my shots, had 2 air balls, lost passes and clumsy dribbling. And fatigue really strike me fast. after few runs I am already exhausted. Good thing they called for break, and quickly i took two sips of water and continue shooting, trying to get my stroke back. Second half, I played like a pro. I had beautiful assist, i made almost all my shots, few drive to the hoop and one pump fake that brought the best player in the court up in the air and i just dribble past him to score. Was great. Really, the whole 1 1/2 hours I was pretty focus in the game.

Of course, my day didn't ended quite well. When i reach my room, facing the same wall i faced for the past 6 months. I put down my nike bag, and stare at it for a while. This was the bag that mean so much to me. It took me from Singapore and back to KL so frequently, it followed me to every basketball games I have, it followed me to Stuttgart twice, and it followed me to UK which was my top chart trip. I can even sing Eason Chen's song about backpack regarding my nike bag. Again, i just can't control my tears and it felt.

U know, I have been a low self esteem person all the time. But my confidence went sky high, when i'm with her. She's the only one that would know how to appreciate my tiny talents, which are no where if i put myself with even my college mates or class mates. Of course, confidence and ego is just a string thin and anytime it crossed path just like that without realizing it. After sleepless nights and today as well, I admit and realize, sometimes I have been not just confident, but too ego. Sometimes it just too late, yeah its human nature that people only realize when things happen. I know, sometimes I always analyze life as if i'm running simulation on my circuits and try to find reason for everything. Perhaps, i'm brain washed by this way of living a life. Yes, I am pretty much still a passionate, emotional and in some ways romantic guy and i believe i can be proud of that looking at my resume of life and relationship. But I guess, sometimes its just useless to have so much talent, but so much bad habit as well. I need anger management, temper management course. I need to control my emotion and be less emotional about things. I need to pump my confidence, but stay below the ego line. I guess this are part of my life that I haven't much achieve.

As rational as i can be now, i'm still feeling the pain here and there. I guess I don't really understand the feelings of the Japanese yet cause I've never been in their shoes, and so coincidently, the moment the natural disaster strike, bad things strike upon me too. I am really sorry for their loses and also worried of all the aftermath regarding this quake. However, I just have too much aftermath myself to deal with. I just hope 2moro I can last for the whole day in work as now work is getting more serious with some "bosses" wants to use my board design as well. I have to take good consideration of my design now. But I doubt I can pull through the whole day. Last week i barely have 5 hours sleep each day, surviving with coffee. From Saturday till now, i slept only for 5 hours. I'm just really farked up as i just can't sleep even after a tiring basketball game. And its not about the coffee as the coffee effect is long gone. My brain, my heart everything, just seem to function by itself and i'm not able to control it anymore. I'm losing it....real bad.

Day 1

I woke up earlier than usual, or rather didn't sleep well yesterday i should say. Brush my teeth, get dress and get my hair done, and then left the usual time i left. Before that i checked my mail, and logged on to facebook for a while, but obviously it turns out empty. I walked the usual path to the bus stop just like any other day. Except, my heart is burning, and my eye muscles are trying so hard to hold my tears from dropping in public. In the bus ride, I looked around. Nothing special, but somehow i just felt today is different. I just felt I didn't want to talk to anyone at all. Normally I would hope I meet some friends in the bus as it is the only bus that will stop at Bosch, so sometimes I'll meet some colleagues.

I feel proud of myself at least, I manage to hold my tears in the office before i really burst out after i reached home. Wasn't an easy task trying to act normal. Today's productivity wasn't that bad as I expected, though my concentration drop every 15 mins interval, and that's when i felt like needle poking my heart. In this short pulse interval, suddenly those places around Malaysia and Singapore that I once have good memories, just appeared in my brain. I start to think, how did i pull through this the last time. Well, the least consolation I had last time was that I'm in Europe so i won't be able to see those places for some time. Good for healing. But now, even Europe seems to have full of bittersweet memories. I even get reaction when I see pound sterling symbols. It just hurting, really hurting.

I just wonder what should I do to heal now. This time it really hit me hard. I guess thats normal as this time i brought it to a total different level. Well, the higher I go, the harder I fall. I try to talk to people, and of course most of them didn't know what to tell me. Clear. I always have this problem when somebody approach me and tell me that he/she had a break and i can't say anything back at all. I don't know what i want to hear from people as well, perhaps i just want to share it out. But its so different from last time. I don't have much friends that i can talk to here, plus the time zone, i can't find anyone to talk to really. Its just hurting. Real bad.

I know, this blog is basically dead. I don't expect any readers anyway. But i guess this is the only place where i can share out my feelings, and hope i'll feel a little better.

day 1 still burn as hot as hell. how many days do i need to heal? months? years? centuries?

bleeding

I'm hurting so badly now and nothing i do seems to stop the "bleeding". I wasn't prepare for this at all, not since long ago. I really don't know what to do now. I can't sleep. I can't be happy. I just can't get myself on the feet. And i can't control my tears. Its been wetting my whole pillow now. I have no mood to do anything at all. When I watch movies I'll remember the time we spent in cinema, when i facebook, i rmb how we exchange msg n post. when i blog, i just rmb how i select which photos to put up. even when i turn on my comp, i just have the tendency to turn on my picasa n browse through those pics, but those pics are like poison to me making my heart hurt even more. I just don't know what else i can do. I stare at the phone every now and then, just to realize nothing is happening there. It hurts, so badly. I look back at July last year, we set a goal. Short term, and when everything's over it's going to be real bright. It is not happening. I am going to break down soon. I just can't help crying and crying. Just six more weeks to go. its never reaching.

The call.....

today is theoretically the saddest day of my life, at least until now. Next week I will have another sad week and Saturday will be the Ultimatum. For 10 years on and off, it is just sad that it has to come to this point where she's confuse about our relationship. For once I was so firm about it, almost certain nothing will happen to this relationship. I guess it will definitely add to one sacrifice I have to make for being in Germany instead of staying back in Singapore. As the end comes, my verdict towards choosing Germany is becoming less bright. I am always trying hard to defend my decision, but in the end i guess there are more sacrifice made than gain. I lost my social time, I have to pay extra and now in a brink of losing my most precious relationship.

Well, people envy me that I can be with my love one in UK, taking pics of nice buildings and castle. For once I also thought that, but how am I even going to open my photo album now. I don't think I can. Its just gonna make my tears drop pretty madly.

For the past 2 years, it has been all about her. I enjoy watching movies in the cinema, purely because she's beside me. I enjoy driving around because she'll be sitting at the front seat of my car. I enjoy going around having food hunt, purely because she eats like barbarian like i do. I enjoy putting on nice clothings, because i love to impress her, or at least don't look ugly when i'm with her. I just have a long list to go on with this, but the more i type the more my keyboard is gonna get wet.

It will never be that easy for me, eventhough i've been through this. I don't know how long i need this time. 10 years? 100 years? Or maybe 2012 will wipe out the entire human race, or even I survive that 2029 Terminator is gonna kill us all. As for now, I see darkness. I don't see any light anymore. 2011, a year without joy for me so far.

I'm hurting so badly....so badly...........

The change

Just approximately 1 year ago, I was excited and jumping up and down because I got the internship position in Bosch, Germany. I was excited to come back honestly, and I quickly contact all of my friends that are still around here. Well of course being in such a different area, the excitement didn't live up to expectation. Back in Singapore just before I leave, I was delayed by the document process, which is not such a bad thing at all as I am given some holiday time.

Did I ever mention before that it was one of those greatest moments? I bet I did as I always share great moments. It was kinda boring initially as I thought I have to stay in Singapore in case my presence is needed for any document application. But after 2 weeks, I decided that I desperately want to go home to see my friends and of course, someone special. I had the best two months full of movies outing and dinner or BBQ. I even have two separate trips with Kelsen in Singapore and her immediately after. To conclude, I left Malaysia at my highest peak to Germany.

Then it was disastrous weeks for me as I find it difficult to settle down. I even broke down in tears badly for days as I've been missing the people and fun back home. Until now, I don't think I am quite settled though I have start searching for jobs here. Back then, I was seriously counting days, and hope my time will be over here and go back to what I've left behind before I came.

I guess I have to admit I am being too naive and childish to hope that things didn't change, or change in a positive way. Two months after I am here, I have already felt the changes in someone. But I try to move on as I know I am in a long distance, and I can't expect things to be the same. At least this is what I tried to tell myself, and try to find ways to settle down here too. It is seriously difficult when you're alone and there's not much stuff to do around here. I was depressed and pressured as well initially due to work too.

I don't want to do into details about things despite remember all the bits and pieces crystal clear in my mind. But somewhere in December where I had my two weeks Christmas break and I went north to find my old friends, I already felt the changes and things were just so ruined then. It honestly spoilt my holiday and made me start to wonder alot of things.

Somehow that month was skipped through, and thankfully yet nothing have really happened. Then comes January where things should turn around. She's flying to UK for training, and theoretically it should be better for us as the distance is much closer and gave me the opportunity to meet up after so long. I was freaking damn excited, and I am even more excited when my tickets are confirmed. Though at one point I had also some negative thoughts like maybe she'll feel a little stranger of me after so long didn't meet up. So the day came and I enjoyed the trip pretty much, and straight away this trip went to the top chart of my most enjoyable trip i ever had. Unfortunately, I just gotta realized that I am clapping my own hand. This trip is my top list, but doesn't mean its the top for everybody involve. Well, again I know I am acting childish, but i guess i have every right to be sad.

Just 1 month after the trip and all, things became from bad to worse. Finally I have addressed the main issue out and asked a fairly simple question, but a question that should've been considered seriously since few months back. Despite that, there are quite a number of fights involve, and once again it broke me down into one week full of tears hiding under my blanket on my bed at night. Can u believe a 26 year old male with a Master degree soon still crying like a baby? I don't know anyone else does that though. But I guess I have to start preparing for the worse as I finally get the honest answer. Things changed, and it can just happen without any prior notice. Oh maybe i should take that back, as the prior notice has been there, just that I choose to believe its not true.

I am sorry for the people in Japan, but I predict I'll be crying like a tsunami rain too. Sigh.