Aftermath

Something that took off my mind from dropping tears today, the weekly monday basketball game. Well, I was quite afraid i will get cramp like last time coz I didn't have enough sleep yet playing 5 vs 5 full court basketball. But my time here is running up, so there're not much games left. I want to perform in every game. But sometimes, i felt I think too hard how I should play the game. First half I missed almost all my shots, had 2 air balls, lost passes and clumsy dribbling. And fatigue really strike me fast. after few runs I am already exhausted. Good thing they called for break, and quickly i took two sips of water and continue shooting, trying to get my stroke back. Second half, I played like a pro. I had beautiful assist, i made almost all my shots, few drive to the hoop and one pump fake that brought the best player in the court up in the air and i just dribble past him to score. Was great. Really, the whole 1 1/2 hours I was pretty focus in the game.

Of course, my day didn't ended quite well. When i reach my room, facing the same wall i faced for the past 6 months. I put down my nike bag, and stare at it for a while. This was the bag that mean so much to me. It took me from Singapore and back to KL so frequently, it followed me to every basketball games I have, it followed me to Stuttgart twice, and it followed me to UK which was my top chart trip. I can even sing Eason Chen's song about backpack regarding my nike bag. Again, i just can't control my tears and it felt.

U know, I have been a low self esteem person all the time. But my confidence went sky high, when i'm with her. She's the only one that would know how to appreciate my tiny talents, which are no where if i put myself with even my college mates or class mates. Of course, confidence and ego is just a string thin and anytime it crossed path just like that without realizing it. After sleepless nights and today as well, I admit and realize, sometimes I have been not just confident, but too ego. Sometimes it just too late, yeah its human nature that people only realize when things happen. I know, sometimes I always analyze life as if i'm running simulation on my circuits and try to find reason for everything. Perhaps, i'm brain washed by this way of living a life. Yes, I am pretty much still a passionate, emotional and in some ways romantic guy and i believe i can be proud of that looking at my resume of life and relationship. But I guess, sometimes its just useless to have so much talent, but so much bad habit as well. I need anger management, temper management course. I need to control my emotion and be less emotional about things. I need to pump my confidence, but stay below the ego line. I guess this are part of my life that I haven't much achieve.

As rational as i can be now, i'm still feeling the pain here and there. I guess I don't really understand the feelings of the Japanese yet cause I've never been in their shoes, and so coincidently, the moment the natural disaster strike, bad things strike upon me too. I am really sorry for their loses and also worried of all the aftermath regarding this quake. However, I just have too much aftermath myself to deal with. I just hope 2moro I can last for the whole day in work as now work is getting more serious with some "bosses" wants to use my board design as well. I have to take good consideration of my design now. But I doubt I can pull through the whole day. Last week i barely have 5 hours sleep each day, surviving with coffee. From Saturday till now, i slept only for 5 hours. I'm just really farked up as i just can't sleep even after a tiring basketball game. And its not about the coffee as the coffee effect is long gone. My brain, my heart everything, just seem to function by itself and i'm not able to control it anymore. I'm losing it....real bad.