Day 7

Yesterday was really the must hurting day in this two weeks of drama I guess. Eventhough the call was already made last week, but the whole week we've been pulling and pushing each other and just when it seems things might turn around, it ended up over. But yesterday, finally she stop contacting me and I guess she's starting to enjoy life.

I was always looking forward to my weekly monday basketball game. Yesterday however I wasn't even concentrating at all. The worse was my tears nearly drop while I'm still in the game. That was the worst experience in this whole break up story. I purposely left my phone at home the whole day and thought i can look forward to sms or call when i reach home. But I got nothing. Honestly, I know its stupid but i just don't understand how she can claim her regretness and stuff but yet now she don't even show anymore emotion. I guess this is what she really wanted. I should have been happy for her, but I guess me being a human have my degree of selfishness. I hope there will be one day I can be truely happy for her life.

Maybe people wonder why am I the one being sad since at the end it was my decision to call for it. As much as I want it to turn back, I felt this is the best for her. Since some time ago I've already realize we have a great gap between us, and in this two weeks it shows even clearer that she don't value the relationship as how she used to be anymore. Feeling has faded. Despite there's a huge chance of getting back on Sunday, I still turn down. Not because I want to show superiority, but I felt this is a decision she made without really realizing what she really want.

I guess now she's much clearer and I guess she's is on the right track to be happy. Well, for me the past 9 years I've never let go and despite having few breaks before, I can never let go so easily. I know that I am always the loser in this sense. I noe I need a change. But its just at this point so impossible. I don't have something to focus on now and I guess that's why I kept thinking bout the past. As much as good memories can give, I guess that will only be in the past between us.

Well, at least I don't feel so bad today. But I don't deny that inside me I'm still putting some hope. Probably that's why I don't feel emotional today. I predict when I start realizing all hopes are gone, I guess that will be really hurting. I hope I'm prepared for it when that strikes me.

For now I really thank friends and family. They really pull me through from getting even more depressed. Talking to people really helps alot. Thank you all.