Day 1

I woke up earlier than usual, or rather didn't sleep well yesterday i should say. Brush my teeth, get dress and get my hair done, and then left the usual time i left. Before that i checked my mail, and logged on to facebook for a while, but obviously it turns out empty. I walked the usual path to the bus stop just like any other day. Except, my heart is burning, and my eye muscles are trying so hard to hold my tears from dropping in public. In the bus ride, I looked around. Nothing special, but somehow i just felt today is different. I just felt I didn't want to talk to anyone at all. Normally I would hope I meet some friends in the bus as it is the only bus that will stop at Bosch, so sometimes I'll meet some colleagues.

I feel proud of myself at least, I manage to hold my tears in the office before i really burst out after i reached home. Wasn't an easy task trying to act normal. Today's productivity wasn't that bad as I expected, though my concentration drop every 15 mins interval, and that's when i felt like needle poking my heart. In this short pulse interval, suddenly those places around Malaysia and Singapore that I once have good memories, just appeared in my brain. I start to think, how did i pull through this the last time. Well, the least consolation I had last time was that I'm in Europe so i won't be able to see those places for some time. Good for healing. But now, even Europe seems to have full of bittersweet memories. I even get reaction when I see pound sterling symbols. It just hurting, really hurting.

I just wonder what should I do to heal now. This time it really hit me hard. I guess thats normal as this time i brought it to a total different level. Well, the higher I go, the harder I fall. I try to talk to people, and of course most of them didn't know what to tell me. Clear. I always have this problem when somebody approach me and tell me that he/she had a break and i can't say anything back at all. I don't know what i want to hear from people as well, perhaps i just want to share it out. But its so different from last time. I don't have much friends that i can talk to here, plus the time zone, i can't find anyone to talk to really. Its just hurting. Real bad.

I know, this blog is basically dead. I don't expect any readers anyway. But i guess this is the only place where i can share out my feelings, and hope i'll feel a little better.

day 1 still burn as hot as hell. how many days do i need to heal? months? years? centuries?