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2011 didnt end that well for my family and I. A series of unfortunate events happened to my mom regarding health.
It was hard for all of us and of course hardest for my mom. I always thought celebrating new year alone at home rusting was quite pathetic as how I did some years back in Germany. but I felt motionless that time watching fireworks alone from far. this year I was in hospital watching fireworks from the wad and sadly my mom wasn't able to get down of her bed to see the fireworks. As I was starring ay the fireworks my tears suddenly start to fall from my eyes.
It was emotional. In this room I'm not the most painful person. My mom is. She is going through special much now and honest words will be that she might be facing the final stage of her life journey. Then I stare at my Samsung galaxy note and my iphone. These luxury stuff belongs to my mom. She gave us the best education. Train us up to be a real man. Useful to the society. We are who we are today because of her sacrifice, dedication and love. She gave everything to us for our brighter future. Now she is suffering and I felt so useless not being able to help.
Seriously all I want for new year now is my mom to recover soon.
Happy new year everyone. I hope this year is full of miracles
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The greatest mom
She's in such great pain now. Her physical condition is not going well. What could be worse when u knew bout the fact that you are diagnose with critical illness? How do you face it?
my mom is exactly in this position. when I look into her eyes I see a great fear and sadness in her. How do I feel? I felt tterrible. She not only cant eat which makes her really weak, she have to suffer from all those hospital tubes, she also hav to take blood sugar level every 2 hours. On top of that she knows that she is not in good Condition. How would you face such pain physically and emotionally?
The world is as we know unfair. But I never felt it so much until now. She never had the luxury to own an i phone or i pad.
Neither had she own an LV handbag. She only had a chance to travel after so many years of waiting. We were dining at Chillis having a nice juicy beef while she eat leftover homecook food. I had my first pair of nike shoes when she only buys shoes from night market. why? Because she have a vision greater than STEVE JOBS. She don't need to produce iproduct. Instead she have produce and invested two of the best product ever - Me and my Bro. one a brilliant doctor. Another an engineer. What more greater asset can you have than two great successful sons?
Now she needs care the most. Yet while suffering so much from all those tests, her mind is all about how are we doing? have we taken our lunch? Have enough sleep? Hows Work? Her mind still thinks of our welfare every second.
As I was writing this article,I am watching her resting. Is She really resting? what' s in her mind? Is she relief? Stress? painful? nostalgic? Then it struck my mind. What can I do? How to make her feel better?
I am who I am because of her. I have what I have because of her. Now, I just want to trade everything I have for her to be healthy again!
She's in such great pain now. Her physical condition is not going well. What could be worse when u knew bout the fact that you are diagnose with critical illness? How do you face it?
my mom is exactly in this position. when I look into her eyes I see a great fear and sadness in her. How do I feel? I felt tterrible. She not only cant eat which makes her really weak, she have to suffer from all those hospital tubes, she also hav to take blood sugar level every 2 hours. On top of that she knows that she is not in good Condition. How would you face such pain physically and emotionally?
The world is as we know unfair. But I never felt it so much until now. She never had the luxury to own an i phone or i pad.
Neither had she own an LV handbag. She only had a chance to travel after so many years of waiting. We were dining at Chillis having a nice juicy beef while she eat leftover homecook food. I had my first pair of nike shoes when she only buys shoes from night market. why? Because she have a vision greater than STEVE JOBS. She don't need to produce iproduct. Instead she have produce and invested two of the best product ever - Me and my Bro. one a brilliant doctor. Another an engineer. What more greater asset can you have than two great successful sons?
Now she needs care the most. Yet while suffering so much from all those tests, her mind is all about how are we doing? have we taken our lunch? Have enough sleep? Hows Work? Her mind still thinks of our welfare every second.
As I was writing this article,I am watching her resting. Is She really resting? what' s in her mind? Is she relief? Stress? painful? nostalgic? Then it struck my mind. What can I do? How to make her feel better?
I am who I am because of her. I have what I have because of her. Now, I just want to trade everything I have for her to be healthy again!
Majulah Singapura! Only a nation of 46 years old, but it is equally as civilize and advance as countries which as thousand years of history. Congratulations to the achievement in Singapore and good choice of separating from Malaysia 46 years ago.
Just a little update that i wanna put it down here. Work wise, I am getting more workload day by day and I am starting to fill that I am contributing. Yesterday, I was trying to understand the root cause of a project bug and i discover it might lead to something more serious in the design. Though it's still initial stage, but I'm glad that i made a slight contribution to that. This project I am working on is going to be closed soon and immediately after that I will be put on another project. I believe it wont be long before I will have the chance to do some real design work.
Put work aside, I have a little good news to share. During my thesis, I have heavily taken part in the design of a conceptual analog to digital converter chip plus the test board for the chip. My supervisor sent us an email on the initial measurement and both the chip is working and the board is working. My hard work and sacrifice to go to germany paid off and now I can put inside my CV for that! He haven't measure the performance yet and he told me the board needs to do some bug fixing, but hey, it is working that means the core architecture is functioning well. I can never believe I have designed a working chip! Good start and hopefully in my new career I am able to do so too. Hope one day I can write patents! Sadly I am no longer in Germany to celebrate with my team there.
Back to singapore. Tomorrow will be my first day of the 8 week fitness training offered by my company. It will involve some techniques that can be done at home to build up the body, which include push ups sit ups stuff, plus kick boxing etc. I am looking forward definitely. But one thing concerns me is my health as I am having soar throat plus a lil of dizzyness today. I am not sure if I am fit for tomorrow but I will bring my gear there. I hope to keep in good condition throughout this week too because Oliver's wedding is coming!!!
Now the emo part. Still pretty much sad almost wherever I go. Almost every part of Singapore gave me sweet memories and till now I still think that those trips were a great achievements for us. But I think I am just clapping with one hand. How can the peanut outings in Singapore compare to UK? For her, I believe nothing beats what she've seen in UK. Not even a single moment we spent. Well that shows the difference in our point of view in life. I have always mentioned, a great trip depends primarily on the person we go with, and location is just a fill up factor. Thats why in me, the best memories are still those time I spent with her regardless where. Could even be as close as around our home. It's sad huh to know that what appears to be the best for you isn't really quite the best on the other side. What's even worse is that what you believe to be the best moments is just shit to the other party. That's like the ultimate killer.
I don't know if I did post up the origami roses arranged into a heart shape birthday card I've made for her 2 years back. I get reminded of that because last week I was folding it in office while waiting for my simulations and my colleagues saw it. They were so impressed and all of them ask me to teach them. One even said, you're really multi talented and with this you should be able to kill lots of girl's heart. Deep inside me, I was laughing like laughing kor lol! Well, i forgot to mention he's already above 35 so probably during his days this kinda things work well with girls. Nowadays you see girls going out with guys who've no emotion at all, and always "abuse" their girlfriends but yet those dumb girls are so obsessed with them that they get so loyal. Girls love bad boys this is the fact. No point having all this romantic skills. No use at all. You just need a big dick and a bad attitude to get girl's heart. This is the fact. Sometimes really I do doubt whether those effort I've put in to make all this DIY gifts really worth it or not? 10 years down the stretch, I just can't recall how many of those I've did already. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
Anyway, it is over. How many times I have to remind myself about that? I guess the answer is forever because I think it takes forever for me to recover. I am moving out of my comfort zone. I finally decided to move out of Jurong area where I am so comfortable with. There are a few factors which leads to this decision despite having to sacrifice approx 1/3 of my salary for my new room. First of all, I need a change. Call me kolot, but I think it's time to try a new environment. I might get lucky there who knows. Second to that, I don't want to cause more inconvenience to my uncle. It is just a matter of time I have to move and why not sooner in conjunction with a new change. Thirdly is of course I have no time for myself wasting all the time travelling to my office and back. Moving to a place much closer to my office is definitely a good choice. Some other minor factors are not worth mentioning here but made contribution to the decision as well.
That's all for now. Just a question to myself - Will I find a real lifetime partner in the future or nobody wants me that I will be alone forever?
Sigh...it's kinda depressing to ask question to oneself like that....life sux!
just feel like updating here. It's been like 2 months since i came back from Europe and about 5 weeks since I start working. Work, still about the same. Starting to get a lil more workload but still it's kinda "peanut" work whr an intern can do the job. On the bright side, I am taking their salary for the minimum effort I'm giving. On the down side, I am not contributing and not really learning much. At this point I can't tell whether I am really happy with the work or not but for now I am happy that I just got my first month salary. Yes all I care about is money now. Seriously, I think this is not a long term thing. I want to do some real Design Engineer's work, eventhough I'm not a very confident person that I can handle that.
I have nothing much to comment bout work atm. I am feeling emotional now. Well, it's about the same thing actually. I believe everyone have one/several Kryptonite that always make the person weak at some point. My worse case is love/relationship. I loudly admit, I am not quite moving on as how I was and no improvement at all. Especially last week when the convocation spark up lots of hype. I thought distance and time will also help in my healing process but one phone call changes alot. It started with the mother calling me. Details of the conversation will not be disclose here.
U know what is the most hurting part when you exit a relationship? Its not the break up really. It's when you know all these while when you felt you're the most important your love one would die for, isn't that important after all. Many people did ask me before, I've been with the same girl on and off several times. Why is tht so? If I love, why did I break? Honestly I don't know. I really don't. Maybe I just can't let go of her. It's too useless to talk about the past but i wanna mention the recent one.
In 2009 when I finish my bachelor degree, and slowly we get closer to each other again and finally got back together. It was after so long we've been separated, and judging by the age perhaps we've reached a maturity level and know who we really wanna spent our life with. All these while my relationship with her wasn't quite accepted by my family. But that time we got back together, I was so sure this is the girl i wanna marry and live forever. My confidence level even shoot sky high because she came back to me, proving there's something she's attracted to me and it is not money/looks/fame because i don't have any. She knew I was going overseas for some time again and will not have any income. She knew my face is as ugly as whatever ugly things u can imagine, but still stick to me. Something inside me that attracted her. So that's it, decision made. I dun care what outsider criticize about me getting back with her for the 4 time. I fought with my mom and finally got her approval. She finally had lunch/dinner with my parents for the first time in 10 years we've been on and off. Everything seems so wonderful right?
This is the problem when your confidence is built upon such fragile factor. My confidence was borken into tiny pieces even smaller than the world's smallest particle now. She changed job, had chance to go UK and things were just upside down since then. The so much enjoyable UK trip that I felt, wasn't what it was in reality. So, happy right both of us finally can tour around a European country together? No. It was as disastrous as hell. I'll fastforward here. So finally we broke up again. So much for the lifetime plan with her. Gone baby gone. Even then, story hasn't ended. When I'm back in Sg, when i tot her love wasn't with me anymore which i had never expected that to happen, happened! But tru phone conversations, she showed as if, she regretted leaving me. She show she wanna patch things. She showed she "can't live without me". Wooahhhh imagine my confidence shoot up again. But I denied her because I don't want it to be just because I am finally away from distance and sort of found a good settlement here in SG plus now she's not with any companions. I dun wan to have another fragile relationship. I want as solid as hard diamond.
So what is the conclusion? It doesn't take a genius to figure out the real fact. The love is long gone, there's no regret in it, no will to come back, importance have much faded. The fact. Since she changed job, and went UK, she felt in love with that country, more than anything. Enough said. Well, nobody's fault. In summary, it's just our way of life that doesn't match. I used to wonder why despite me staying in different countries and been expose to so many things, yet I am still loyal in love/relationship and how come she just can't? Well simple thing I understood now. She's not me.
So again, I have to find ways to forget bout all these crap, move on and hopefully will find a true lifetime partner that is also willing to build a solid hard rock diamond relationship with me till eternity.
After 1 week of work, finally able to update a bit here. I don't really know who's still reading this but again i repeat tht I'll just put on my feelings here like a diary. I believe no one will read it now. Well, I leave home around 6.45am every morning and come home around 8pm every evening. After bath, and surfing internet plus lucky enough watching 1 episode of TVB drama, I'll go to bed. Around 11pm max. This is how my first week of working life is.
I feel freaking tired everyday actually but not because there are lots of work. In fact I don't have much work for the first week. But I guess just like old times, I need time to get used to the timing. Sitting in the MRT for 1 hour to office 1 way isn't that stressful but kinda boring. I usually get a place to sit because in the morning trains are more frequent and I'm always quite fast in securing a place to sit. When I get my first month salary, I'll get an ipad 2. Ok yes I'm still not a big apple fan but the reason I get ipad 2 is because my uncle and my brother have one. Easier for me to synchronize with them. Later, I also plan to get smartphone, but I might go for Samsung or HTC. Samsung is my first choice because they offer much better hardware specs for the same price u pay for an iphone. Only concern is, android is still pretty much in development stage and I am quite impatient to see them stabilize. I know they will reach one day where they can compare one to one with iOS, the question is when that's all. At this age I'm still quite keen on gadgetings, but the next life transition I might have different hobby I wanna invest on, such as automobile or other mean toys.
Ok, back to work. Not much girls around my office as expected. Microelectronics are never popular subjects for female anyway. Colleagues are relatively good, not close though. Perhaps I'm still new to them. Last friday i even tear my face and force my boss and his gang to accept me for their dinner outing which from their expression not quite willing to. I can see why. Not that they don't like me, but with me along they have to be very careful with their conversation. Like in the car they did talk about foreign talent, and can see that they're filtering alot of stuff. They try to cover it with Hokkien sometimes, but I can roughly guess what they're saying though not knowing Hokkien. They also wanted to go for full body massage and stuff like that, which I suppose they don't want me to join and also they know I'm new guy so shouldn't take such a long lunch break. I also learnt my lesson, I'll not go with them so often unless I'm called to. Other than relationship with colleagues, the technical part is kinda challenging for me. Even the internship guy is much more active than me and much more pro than me. The upcoming new project our principal engineer gave him most of the task, which left me like a noob. I'm still in 3 months probation period and I wonder if they'll find me too useless and will kick me out within this period. Sigh......
Other thing such as I'm kinda missing someone. But well, u can't get happyness by force. Two different person with different priorities in life eventually will end up fighting and struggling. How did we get together in the first place? Simple. It was feelings. I still love her, but love isn't everything if we've tried to live together and failed. All those sweet memories, they can be so sweet because our relationship wasn't put into test. Once it is, it is proven that the relationship has been quite fragile all this while. It's just like a Ferrari. Sweet, but once it get crashed up, the damage is far worse than other cars. Pity and sad, but that's life I guess. After officially breaking up for 4 months, I am still in the state of recovering, and in fact my recovery status is just like 4 months ago - felt like I'm just starting to recover. I'm kinda concern too if I would ever get another partner in the future knowing my lousy qualities and my low self esteemness. I guess only she appreciate my lousy qualities and convince me I'm somebody even I can't convince myself. But I should stressed out that it is all now in the past. Past tense. I am always confident that she'll be able to get a guy much better than me in a short time. I hope she does. But, being selfish, I don't wanna know. I don't know if I am mature enough to take that news or not. So if anyone related to her knows about this news, please don't busybody go and tell me.
Looks like this two weeks, there's nothing much I can look forward to. It will be the same old 9-6 working thingy, weekend same old badminton and that's about it. I am looking forward for my graduation, but not the ceremony. I'm just looking forward for my parents and my brother to come over to visit me that's all.
I felt empty at this point again. Empty life. Sigh.....zzzz
First day at work! Well, as expected I felt so noob. Today there's a group meeting and division meeting. In both meeting it's like everyone is so actively participating in the conversation and I'm just like nooooob. I hope in 1 week time I'm able to pick all those up! Tomoro will be another nothing-to-do day.
Well, I hope this job is really what I want. Now I'm looking forward for 2 things. One is to get familiar with the technical environment and the other one is my first payday haha. Sigh, long long way to go.
As for personal stuff, It has been kinda turmoil. I did enjoy my week last week where my bro Kel came over to Singapore for business and pleasure trip. We had a few meals of hawker which was so enjoying. He treat me quite number of times coz I'm freaking broke. Then we had BBQ on Friday night at my place. We bought too much food and in the end it was all wasted. Then on Saturday we went East Coast Park for cycling. There were about 9 of us and I really enjoyed it so much because it has been a long long while since I ride on a bicycle. Next target is roller blade. Also, I finally met up with Wenni. On Sunday we went casino and of course I didn't gamble just to go in and see. Then we walk around Marina and Clementi mall. Manage to get my working clothes, but have to borrow money from Kelsen first sigh sigh. Then we took off to the airport and we had a nice japanese meal before he took off. Overall was great!
But also I did receive some unexpected sms and email. Again, it almost ended in a bad manner but I guess now everything's much clearer. Now that it's really over, I did felt a lil empty in the part of life. But well, I guess it's a choice I have to make and live with it. I will definitely remember all the sweet memories. It is still one of the best moments of my life. I wonder, with my appearance and my quality, will anyone be attracted to me? Perhaps I'm gonna be single my whole life.
Freaking tired, that's the end of my day.
It is exactly one month since I came back from Europe. Well, probably coming back is not a good word to use since Singapore is not my country. But I set a goal to build my life here. So, I guess I can say coming back after all.
I came back with a vision, and full of hopes and targets to fulfill. First off, I need a job, a related job of course. Other things are such as building a social life here and start contributing to my family. When I reached singapore, I realized that most of my colleagues already started working. Honestly, I felt the peer pressure. My first meeting with them is in one of the weddings. Everyone seems to be exchanging name cards and I'm the only one without one. I have to keep my heads high so I was joking to everyone saying why not I copy my student card and give it to them. After that, I felt like it's time to step up my job hunting and I am seriously looking down on myself because I'm spending parent's money still.
The first turning point came when I met up with my Professor. He is helpful enough to distribute my Resume to all his connection, which in his case a huge network of managers or hiring managers. I have confidence he would help me of course, but I never thought my Resume would be firm enough to be short listed for interview. But it came really quick. In summary, I screwed up like 7 interviews. When I mean screwed up, I mean those technical questions. So i really start to doubt myself whether I do have the ability or not to work in Singapore.
I can only say luck is with me. On last thursday I was called up for 2nd interview with STMicroelectronics, the first company that I was called up for interview and the same company that i screw them up last time for my internship. At first I didn't I know it was a second interview. I thought it was more like another interview for another position since I knew I did really badly for my first interview. Also, the person who called me up for the 2nd interview is a different person, and his Chinese-accent English wasn't really clear. I asked him if it's a different interview from the previous one, he said yes. So I prepared damn freaking hard for the interview, reading up the technical stuff again and again especially those part where I'm weak at. When the interview started, the interviewer pop questions about my previous experiences in Bosch, focusing more on the interpersonal issues such as communication with ridiculous colleagues. About 40 mins of interview without a single technical question. After that part, she said she was done and I was stunned, thinking perhaps my chances are over. But then she told me to stay in the room as the HR needs to interview me. Then came the lady who called me for the first interview, Jane. Jane was nice and she put up a very friendly smile, by far the most friendliest smile in all the interview. Of course, I was told to smile as well, so I return a big smile. Our interview session was more like chatting, where she get to know me better asking questions based on what I've scribbled in my resume. Then she ask me if I have any questions, but i told her not really. Then she start telling me about the basic salary and benefits if i were to be employed. Suddenly I was so excited. Just when I thought she would present me with a contract, she said she will notify me the next day.
I was excited the whole day I couldn't sleep. Ok maybe i should speed up things here. Yes I am offered a job. The job according to the manager sounds very interesting, plus I think the salary + benefits is very attractive. I don't know what is the market value, but at least it is higher than my expectation.
Whatever it is, at least I have secured a job!
But way before I received my first pay, I am already starting to think about the things I want/need to buy. Gosh!
I just came back from an interview where I made myself look like a fool again. It's my 8th interview so there's no excuse, i should have performed no matter what. I have never felt such an idiot before in my life, really!
I recall during the time i was searching for internship. I applied to many companies, only 3 companies called me up for interview. The first one was an internet conference interview. He asked me some technical questions, which I am able to answer few of them. They rejected me though because I wasn't confident enough. The second one didn't even ask me any technical questions, just asked me to explain about my previous projects and experience. There were 4 of us interviewing for the same position, so basically the interview is just for show. They have already picked their candidate before hand. The 3rd one was from the same company as the second, but different division. Yes, i totally screwed up the interview but yet I was hired because it was just an internship position and they only need to pay less than half a normal employee's salary but the workload is the same. So that doesn't proof anything. The fourth one was the one I nailed. It was a telephone interview, and trust me it's much easier to cheat in the phone interview than face to face for technical questions. I am very good in bullshitting, so i can talk all i want. Furthermore, my supervisor who hired me is a very very nice guy.
At that time I was so proud of myself actually that I got that position. After completed my internship and my overall masters, I am so confident because I had good grades, plus good internship experience. True enough, I was called up for interviews based on my CV and my grades. But after so many interviews which non of them I answer with confidence, I really start to feel like I am shit. Everytime they pass me a paper and ask me to derive equations, I just struggle. Today's interview was one of the worse because I really didn't manage to answer much. Most of the time he was trying to help me on the interview. Until some point he gets frustrated as well. Sigh.
I have a master degree from top Universities of their region. I have 5 years of international exposure, plus a recent experience in my related field in Robert Bosch. I graduated with a very good grades. So what am I? Nothing! I can't even secure a job. What's the use of all these records anyway?!!!!
I guess it's time to realize, I am not the smart one. I am just normal.
I guess the fight is over. Actually it is already kinda awkward that we're still fighting after the break up. But I guess it is necessary at least both side is much clearer what is destined for us and what actually happened in the past. Well, it isn't really a mutual break up but at this point, I guess its fair to say it is unavoidable. Just one phrase summary, we just have our own way of handling htings and unable to tolerate with each other.
Ok, since this is over, there's no point talking about it anymore. The sweet memories will always be with me and will always pop up from time to time. But it's time for more serious stuff. I am already consider old and at the moment quite a useless person on earth.
I am talking bad about myself, but it is partially true. I am really low in confidence now. From the previous Friday until now, I have already being interviewed by 7 companies. 2 of them are called up because I was short listed. The other 5 was more like a career fair and I just did a walk in Interview. Everyone is very envious about my situation. But I can tell you honestly, non of those interview that I am confident to nail the job. Yes it's still early to tell, but it's like exams. You know exactly how you perform, and if you perform badly or so so, you can only hope that either the other candidates aren't performing well too, or basically no other candidates. Well, being a pessimistic person, and knowing my own performance during interview, it is likely I will nail any job. But of course I am still hoping I will receive phone calls from them for job offers.
I don't know what type of response or how they conduct interview for other professions. But at least I know for my field, in particular chip design, they don't usually ask you trick questions nor will they ask you questions that will proof your intelligence. In this field especially for a fresh graduates, the only thing they really want is a strong fundamentals in the theory. Most of the questions they ask are questions that have only a right or wrong solution. What I mean is for example they won't go and ask "give me 3 reasons why I should not hire you?" stuff like that. I classify these questions as abstract questions, where there are no right or wrong answer, but every answer you give reflects your intelligence or in general your character. Of course, one of the interview he asked me what is my greatest strength and weakness. That's about it.
Really, I am starting to doubt if I am suitable for this field despite obtaining a masters with a good grade. It's like I am not even strong with my fundamentals. I have been reading up for each interview, but when it comes to the real situation I just couldn't explain things well. Yes I did a good job in Bosch, and perhaps my working ability is good. But what's the point if I can't even get through the interview stage? Sigh.
These days I have been dreaming about the next morning waking up with a phone call about job offers. I am so desperate for job now. I need money to flow. On the lowest level, I need the money because I am staying in my uncle's place for free and I don't feel good about it. It's time for a payback. Also, at the age of 26, I should be doing something useful. On the luxurious side, I am already eyeing on some gadgets and goods I want to purchase and services I need to sign up for.
About gadgets, the first thing I want to get is a tablet. No, I am not going for Ipad. I am eyeing on the Asus EEE Pad Transformer(or Slider) with 3G. It is definitely much cheaper and it's android based. I have good faith with android because since it is own by google, it will be much easier for compatibility in the future because almost everything from the internet is own by google. The other advantage over ipad is the programmability, or customization. Ok, android tablet, the next target is android smartphone. HTC is my choice, and i think i'll go for incredible S series. And hopefully by end of the year, I am able to get some telezoom lens for my 550D.
Service is my physical appearance. First I need to get rid of my pimples. So it's time to see skin specialist which obviously gonna cost me alot. Then, orthodontist to beautify and to healthify my teeth. Yes yes, perhaps it's kinda late to wear braces but well, it's for my future anywayz. Then, I wanna sign up for German courses, continue to brush up my German. I believe my English level is good enough, so as my Chinese. I think it's advantageous to have a strong German background so I can deal with German customers in the future. Finally, I wanna take up Guitar courses as well.
Hmmm, ambitious me.
Alright. I admit, I have been falling again to my Kryptonite. So many times it has happen but yet I didn't learn anything from it. I am such a NOOB!
Actually I wanted to blog about my failed interview which hurts me alot and I am already depressed about it. But today, I heard more things which made me even more sad. It's like throwing alcohol into burning fire. Sigh. I kept falling for the same trap, and really I don't know when I will stop falling for it anymore.
Well, it's nothing new. It was the truth, has been the truth since many many months ago. But I refuse to accept it though on the surface I sounded like I've already accepted it. Maybe I should just put it more direct. Yes it is about my past broken relationship. I don't feel like repeating what happened about the break up. But i'm reminded about it. What made me even more furious is that I've already mentioned many many times and she among all the people should know that I am in the midst of recovering so it's best not to disturb me and if she wanna be friends maybe in the future but definitely not now.
In one of my previous post, I said leave me alone if you don't have feelings anymore. But she sent me sms saying it's not true. So I interpret it in such a way that she still have feelings for me. Her intention to come down to Singapore even made me wonder this could be a turning point between us. OMG OMG. See how noob I am. Nah not her fault. She's not lying. I just misinterpret it. It was a huge misunderstanding. The truth has always been there, no changes. Since long before the break up the feeling wasn't there anymore. For whatever reason, I shouldn't bother. My main task is to realize that it is totally over.
What made me more furious is that until now, some people just don't realize what damage has been done. Now I am to be blamed for making her feelings fade away. Well, feelings faded is already quite hurting for the person to bear, it is even worse when the pain bearer is to be blamed. How on earth? U know when I came back to Singapore, I have so much memories and every where i go i think of it. Since I attended the wedding and the sj4p outing, I talked to people. From then, I tell myself no matter what I have to pull out the dagger from the heart. Not until I receive calls and sms again. Then i jump back into the hole. Hahahaha.
Somebody scolded me for being stupid in fb once. Well, I have always thought of myself to be smart in many ways. Honestly, I doubt myself now. I think she's right. I am stupid. Stupid for being stupid over and over again. This is call the stupid ultimatum.
So what now? Me being extremely sad about interview failure, and extremely sad about being screwed up by the same thing over and over again. Hatred, anger, pissed, regrets, sadness. U name it, it's all presence in my heart. Looks like the dagger not only hasn't been pull out, it goes in even deeper. Congratulations. You have just manage to destroy my heart yet again!
So, fucking leave me alone!
Being optimistic today, I guess I can consider today as a fruitful day. First I got my graduation letter and I've sent out several job application. Whether I get it or not that's a different story. But at least since I came back till now, I was not really doing anything serious at all. This also signal the beginning of my job hunting in Singapore. Well, despite being highly qualified, I've already been warned about the current situation in Singapore regarding hiring foreigners. Like I said, I can't be worried too much about that so I just have to keep applying.
Then I went to Vivo City to have dinner and catch movie with some sj4pians in Singapore. Of course again the emotional strike happen as Outram park MRT station, Harbourfront, Vivocity has been one of the most frequently visited place when we were together. It is also a bus terminal for to and from KL via Aeroline. The starbucks there gave me lots of memories because I always camp there for coffee before I depart to Malaysia. Other than that, we had several nice meals there including Brotzeit, the japanese restaurant and many more. Oh yeah it is also the place where we take the skytrain to Sentosa Island. Reminds me of Universal Studio and the island itself. One more thing, they have the Hershey's outlet there and it gave me some flashbacks as well.
Well, i don't want to touch those emotional stuff too much. Anyway today's movie outing wasn't that bad at all. Initially it was abit numb because I am not very good in initiating conversation and especially I have been gone for so long. But slowly we get into the groove and I start being the lame guy again. This time Min Yee and her boyfriend came, along with her boyfriend's brother. Total 7 of us. We had soup for dinner, which is obviously not good enough for my huge appetite. But it's ok as long as we enjoyed the chat. As most of them came directly from work, and seeing them with their working attire makes me kinda envy them having a job in Singapore. Sometimes it's about timing, not just qualification. They're all Malaysians and having the same qualification, but I guess they were lucky to get a job before foreign talent has become a big issue around.
Oops drifting out of topic again. Back to the outing. We watched Kungfu Panda 2, which wasn't that great honestly coz the jokes were lame, but not in the funny way. Story line was predictable and well, I am not so much a of animation guy. Luckily the movie only lasted 1 1/2 hour approximately. Then we headed home and 6 of us stayed in Jurong area. Again we chat and laugh in the MRT about jokes and stuff, it was really fun. I never had that since a long time ago. I hope we will have more of this kinda outing. But the positive side is that they're stil staying in Jurong area which makes outing even easier. We will have a BBQ session soon, at my place just like old time.
So much for the outing today, back to the boring life. This week I will try to pick up some of my lecture notes and read up some fundamentals again since there's a campus interview next week. I signed up for 4 particular companies but my main job position is analog design. So i'll prepare hard for that and of course do some research on the company's background. any additional advice is highly appreciated!!
That's all for now. Cheerz!
Again, I expected this to happen. But not the way it should happen. Today I attended a wedding of a classmate in Pan Pacific Hotel, just opposite to Suntec City. This is also the first time I travel so far with the MRT after I came back last Monday. As I've already mentioned, this MRT line and Suntec City gave me alot of sweet memories in the past. Furthermore, I am attending a wedding. Seeing a couple finally get tied up together will naturally make me jealous especially my relationship was never fruitful.
But it wasn't really the journey to Pan Pacific hotel nor the wedding dinner that made me sad. The main reason was because I went with Gibran and throughout the journey I had a nice chat with him. In the dinner, There are few classmates attended and we joke and laugh so much. I was kinda back to my lameness since being a silent guy for months especially those time in Germany. Food obviously wasn't that great eventhough there're expensive food like shark fin or abalone. But overall the dinner wasn't that bad. The only bad thing is I am reminded by my classmates about my case with STMicroelectronics and might dent my career advancement in Singapore because i'm potentially blacklisted. Well I can't be too worried bout that at the moment. Just have to keep trying until I really face a dead end.
The sad part only start to kick in when Gibran receive a call to meet up with his girlfriend and that reminded me alot about how I used to have that and Was eager to leave the place to meet up with mine. Now that is over, I don't know when I'll have that experience again. The journey back was also quite suffering as I was alone and I had a long journey to have all those flashbacks. Honestly even until now after 3 months, I admit I am still putting hopes that things might turn around. The hope wasn't totally just a dream when I receive a surprise call and smses from her. I wasn't able to talk nicely with her mainly because deep down in me I am still feeling angry and upset over a sudden change of feelings which led to the break up. Now that I'm waiting for champions league final to start, I had some time to think bout it again. The last sms I think I made a very straight forward question regarding the "hope", and receive no reply at all. I suppose that already answer to my question. She just wanted to visit Singapore, not really me. I appreciate, her effort to try to be friends again like I've mentioned in the previous post. But I am just too weak to move on at the moment. It's good to know, but it's just hard to accept. But still, a good sign for me. At least I can slap myself everytime I think of the hope and start to move on whichever way I am able to.
Of my 26 years of life, 10 years I've been on and off relationship with the same person. To be honest, those 10 years was the most extreme years for me, meaning the best time I ever had, and also the worse. Literally, I have to remove this 10 years from my life, and minus those first few years being a noob baby, I have only 10 years of remaining memories. Again, among this 10 remaining years, most of my time I dedicate to academic achievement. So that left me theoretically with not much sweet memories of my childhood, or my teenage life, or even my young adult life. I am 26, the last quarter of my twenties. I wish I could really fast forward to the time where I am enjoying again. I hope it's not that far away. 2011 is not a good year for me, and if i extrapolate this trend, I guess it'll last for the whole 2011. Just hope I can get my career started soon and hope I can find ways to really enjoy life.
Everyone dies, but not everyone live a life like they should. I am definitely wasting my one and only life.
She called. Then She smsed. Wonder what is the purpose. Perhaps just wanna keep in touch. Wanna be friends. I appreciate that. But on all the people in this world, she should know better how difficult it is for me to be friends again in such a short time. If she have no feelings, perhaps its better to stay out of my way. Leave me alone and let me recover. Stop making me getting excited over something and the next thing is I have to realize it's just an illusion.
I don't know how to describe my feeling today. But definitely not a positive one. I won't lie to anybody including myself. I am just not doing fine. Everywhere I go in Singapore, everything I do its just filled with memories. I am not taking it easily. I am trying to move but I just can't take even a step. I just wonder how she can move on so easily. I just wonder if she still have flashbacks on those sweet moments as often as I do. I just wonder if she ever missed this relationship. I know I shouldn't think of this anymore. But I am just sad. How did a 10 years relationship ended so drastically and everything just vanish. Maybe i'm just too much of an emotional guy. Perhaps I'm just too free these days. I need a job ASAP.
I am still not quite progressing with my recovery, but I guess I am excused since this is only the first week. Maybe when I start to work, then things will go faster. That's another issue actually. Wonder if I am able to get a job soon.
Singapore meant alot to me eventhough I've only stayed here for a short 1 year time. I have also left singapore approximately 1 year and nothing really changed. I went to NTU today and yesterday. Today I manage to meet up with my Professor and we had a good chat. He gave me slight hopes about helping me to forward resume and propose a PhD program for me but I have to apply immediately because the deadline is already past. Well, given a short time and seriously not quite interested in doing more research, I turned down his offer. I've also signed up for a campus interview next week and hopefully things goes well. I will try to find a part time job mean time.
Its not my main topic to talk about Jobs. I felt very emotional when I was in NTU, and then Jurong Point. I have lots of bittersweet memories in Jurong Point. Especially when things didn't change, I just felt so much at every corner I am there. I know it is gone. In NTU, I used to stay back and fight on the phone at certain spots. These spots are just so clear in my mind as if it is still happening. Then the MRT of course. On Saturday I am attending my friend's wedding near to City Hall MRT where Suntec City and Esplanade is. Next week I am going to Vivo city for movie. These are the places that gave me lots of sweet memories and I am pretty sure I am going to be very emotional again there. I even wanted to go alone to those places at night to capture some night scene with my DSLR but thinking bout it, it is quite risky as my tears will fall anytime.
There might be a slight chance things might change, but I am not taking it. I look at what have happened the past few months and the life she's living recently, clearly I am not prioritized anymore. I am sorry for being selfish and might end up just being single and alone, but I don't think I can take it if I am not given the love I demand. It is not the same anymore. In fact in this two years, the only sweet time we had was when we are able to spend time together. Other days when we're separated, we're just fighting. Yes it is obvious it can't be sweet all year round, but we're like at extreme ends. Either sweet or fight.
I even start to wonder, am I in love with her or the past. Each time we got back, things are just so much different that until a point we can't tolerate with each other. It seems like this is happening over and over again.
Believe me, I really wanted all those sweet memories to happen again. I really wanted this relationship to work again. But day after day, observation after observation, it seems things are slowly fading away. I guess its time to pull out the dagger from the heart and start moving on no matter how much it will bleed.
"The future is scary, but you can't just run back to the past because it is familiar".
I hope singapore will treat me will, and I hope my career will start soon and give me things to hope for.
Reached Singapore. As expected, I already start to feel all sorts of emotional attack when I reach back home. Despite expecting all these, it is so overwhelming that I still can't find a way to overcome this emotional blockade. Yeah yeah, time helps, but I am starting to doubt that on me. It's been 3 months and I don't see any progress at all. I didn't try hard enough, or perhaps I am just doing all the wrong things to recover.
I guess it is always like that. When you know the other party is enjoying, and being happy about it, it naturally spurs up the jealousy, the anger or whatever dark feelings. I am 26 and I know I am not suppose to be like that. Why spent so much energy hating somebody who doesn't care about this relationship since long time ago? I guess there's no answer to this question. Only those who've been through will know how hard it is.
Speaking about going through, I have been through this so many times. Yet, everything it hurts as much as the previous.
I guess I feel better when I blog it out. But, it is not a long term solution. I just recall how foolish I was. I fought my way so hard to convince my stubborn parents that she's the one, and left pursuing my career thinking that my relationship is stable. But I guess distance is really a good test and obviously we didn't past this test. Sometimes facebook also show a true color of a person. I think back at what she said last november wondering if she is single while we are together at that time. Yeah explanation have been done, but now i think back it's not even valid. More like excuses. I guess she really felt at that point to be out of the relationship. I was just too foolish to lie to myself to accept all these excuses. Facebook is not called "facebook" for no reason. It's a book where it writes out what is on your face!
The February UK trip was great, only to know that it was great to me but not to her. Now I felt guilty that she have to pretend things are going well during that time. Should have realize, when things aren't going right I just have to face it. Same as this time. I get blamed for not waiting. So what if i wait? things aren't the same anymore anywayz. If the desire is there, she would've contacted me and try to meet me up in Europe. It is a clear indication. No more feelings. Full stop.
As a friend, I should really be happy for her that she's finally smiling and truely enjoying. But I admit, I am just selfish. Now I just feel like cursing. I hope I will get away from this mess soon.
Tomorrow Budapest. My mood today swang from up to down and again the main factor affecting my mood is so inappropriate. I just wonder when I can start to move on. It's like I have never even take one step to move on. I am still stuck in the same position all the time.
I hate people or even myself when the "what if" thingy strike my mind or people tell me about it. Ok so it's now and the future that matters. Unfortunately for me, the what if is hurting me so much whether its my own thinking or people questioning me.
Since the break, I was being victimized, finger pointed and shot by all parties.(except for those who really knew me well) First it was directly from her. It wasn't a break up just in one day. It was a whole week thingy, or strictly speaking it's months. Since months ago before we broke up, things already changed. Then come closer to the week where it happened. Clearly the priority have been mixed up. Then finally some incident ignite the fire. But to be very very crystal clear, it wasn't that incident that causes the break up. The problem has always been there just that the incident make it happen that's all. So what happened that particular week? She sounded so cold and as if there's not much things left for this relationship to be hold on to. Naturally, that means the relationship is fucked despite me being so unwilling to let go. But I guess a normal human with some IQ would know that's the time to back up.
So next thing was I'm sad. Extremely sad. I shouted on facebook bout my sadness, wherever I am. Even when I'm in the office. Then i got screwed up there so innocently. As if it was wrong to shout on my facebook. Erm, the last thing I rememered, it was my own wall. I can't even scribble on my own wall.
Then finally everything was set and done, and I start to tell myself no point shouting. I kept myself low from social network, she called back. But hell, for someone who can be so certain that the feeling wasn't there for months already, and things already changes since months ago, suddenly call u when u're all set and done. Obviously it was just a reaction of anger, hatred, perhaps jealousy and disastisfaction. I wish it wasn't all these. But I have to realize that.
Fast forward to now, two months later, I felt I have just broke up yesterday. It's like having to settle down all over again. I bet when I reached Singapore it would be even worse. Receive an email from her don't even understand a single word she's saying. So what actually made my day happy, honestly it was her previous email saying that she wanted to come to Singapore to find me if I'm there. But the latest email admitting that she's in UK and as my previous post stated, I was pissed about it. Now she said I didn't wait for things to happen. Great.
Despite until now still can't handle the break up and still pretty much thinking bout the relationship, I start to realize I am not that special to her after all. Though among all the boyfriends she had she claimed I'm the most special one, I felt her words are just not strong enough to convince me anymore at this moment. It's just simply because there's no action to support her words. I think back at our relationship, alot of things I didn't achieve with her as fast as she and other guys. I don't think she can really have fun with me compared to other guys. It's like I am Mr. Reliable but not Mr. fun. We have broke up and got back together so many times. Definitely it's not the timing that matters. Even intimacy is far way less comparing me and her previous few. Maybe it's not right to compare with others, but lets just compare me and myself the previous time we patched things up. It was totally different. Did she ever enjoy this relationship? I guess I can only say I felt not at all. Like I said, I'm just the Mr. Realible that's all.
Honestly, my requirements of a girlfriend/wife is kinda simple. She love me, she enjoy spending time with me, she made me felt I'm special and main thing is security. Don't have to be supermodel figure, or angel cutie looks, or rich or whatever. Isn't that so hard?
Day 2 in Prague. Day 5 of my trip overall. A month ago, I left lots of expectation on this trip. To me it was a trip that brought many meanings. One was some sort of "graduation"trip. A family reunion trip. and a trip for me to release my emoness after what happened last two months.
I didn't quite enjoy as I expected I would be. Mainly because my parents are slow and I have alot of moments when I'm alone. I'm alone and it is always the most dangerous part where I get very emotional. Paris was a romantic city. Prague, a party city. I was never a party guy and never had parties with her but Since the previous time we broke up until we got back together, she was a party girl and all these while I guess my mind haven't stop thinking she is. That's why it reminds me of her so much.
Of course besides that, I've seen lots of couples on the street especially those Asian ones that made me really emotional. I was suppose to be in trip with my family and love one, but it didn't happen. I feel terribly bad that I couldn't find ways to fully enjoy the trip and I felt sorry for my parents who came so far just to face my black grumpy face. I get very impatient even to my parents these days. I guess it hurts so much that I can't recover my emotion everytime I think of it. Two months have past. The first month I took it quite ok. Perhaps it's because I still have friends to hang out and kept myself occupied and during the day time I have work to do. That time I never thought that I am kinda desperate for love. Just don't know why now I feel so much. I didn't wanted to share with my mother because I don't know how to. We never shared these stuff before.
Sigh. Is it really that bad? Why am I so desperate? Why can't I enjoy some single life first? I don't know. Perhaps I felt I am so low confident that I could never get another romance after this. Perhaps I am getting older and also starting to worry about not able to get one later. I see those Asian couples on the street, and i observe that some girls are quite pretty but yet the boyfriend is like fucking ugly. I mean I am never confident about my looks anyway, but if I can say they're ugly, means they're really fucking ugly. BUt they got the girl. I ask myself why I don't? OK besides my looks I think I have lots of quality. I am not a playboy, not those alcoholic, a good guy with big brains and some talents. Why am I not getting it? Shit man. I think girls like bad boys not ppl like me!
Just a lil update bout my situation for those who care. I am doing good so far, with of course some emotional moments from time to time esp. when I'm alone. I had a weird dream ytd, not really a nightmare but just not something so good. When I woke up from it, i felt a lil emotional until now, which is about 1 hour ago. I am feeling a lil slight headache, think after blogging i'll take a short nap first.
My camera is finally here, i mean with my dad now. He decided to buy Canon EOS550D instead of the 1100D because he felt its worth another RM500 investment to have a better camera. I am of course more than thankful to have that and I am so eager to have it in my hands now. The first thing I need to buy in complement to this camera is some extra batteries. Seems like this camera is really power hungry. I think I might go for those 3rd party companies which cost at least 3 times less than the original canon. Other zoom lens, macro lens stuff, lets leave it when I'm more familiar with DSLR.
Shopping list is also up for me. Its time I "reward myself" with some goodies. First off, a backpack. I need it because I don't wanna travel with a sport bag which will damage my shoulder. I am seeking for those not too big, but not too small one. I found one from Deuter, kinda within my budget range. Just afraid its a lil too small. But I guess its good so i can also bring it up as hand carry luggage to the flights. Next is of course a nice cool looking sunnies. Also for the trip at least. How can you not look cool during summer if you're in Europe? I definitely won't get those Ray Ban or Oakley thingy since I am not those kinda guy who fancy wearing sunnies wherever I go. Furthermore, i won't stick to one sunnies for the rest of my life. I don't need those lifetime gurranty super cool looking sunnies. 3rd stuff will be another sweater/jacket. I have bought already a blazer but this blazer seem to be a lil more like party wearing type. Not for general purpose. So, I might go get another one which I can wear for spring here, as well as indoor air-con rooms back in Singapore/Msia. Others, subject to money and lets see what pops up. Definitely the backpack is a must.
Back to reality before shopping. I have a blardy presentation coming up on Thursday. Blardy hate it and its a long story. I normally like presentation especially in English as I get to show my qualities. But this time, its not only that I have no confidence, I dont' even have the motivation to do it. I am already all set to go for the trip then home, but this blardy thing came up. And it didn't even came up because I was oblige to do it, its just some random casual talk and then my supervisor brought it up. Make no mistake, he's still the best supervisor ever. But for this, I really hate him. This remaining two weeks in Reutlingen, I just wanna spend some time walking around the city and settle some stuff. But now I am oblige to prepare for the presentation until Thursday. Friday and nxt monday is public holiday here, so fark i can't do anyhting!
Anyway, back to some emo stuff. I am still thinking bout it from time to time, but not because i wanted to but it just pop up my brain. But I'm leaving it like that. As I said, the more I try to forget the more I'll remember. Its been like 1 month? or more? when we broke, we left a small door for things to happen. But, as i've mentioned in my previous post, its time to evaluate what have been happening in the past 10 years and if it is just repeating like a cycle, that means there's not a way things will work out. We're not getting any younger, time to think bout the future.
Every Monday I felt very emotional after my basketball game. The basketball game was relatively good today. We only have 6 players and we only played 3 on 3 but I was on target today. Had a good sweat and confidence today. But it was the after game that made me emotional. Perhaps its the beautiful sky and the windy not so cold breeze. It made me think alot about life, forward and backwards.
Well, I know it sux to say that I am not recovered yet. I know it also sux to even mention it as that means I'm still thinking about it. But yeah, I rather not lie to myself that I am ok. I am not quite yet. Yes I am handling it much better than the previous time, but doesn't mean anything at all as long as I am still not recovered. Its just easy to remind myself to move on, but its harder that way as I am sort of forcing myself. I guess I'll just leave it natural. Good thing is at least I am still far away. Phase 2 will be the most hurting one, which is the time I am home and more memories will strike me. How do I prepare for it? No idea. I guess it just have to be natural. Perhaps things might happen in the future again, but we've tried so many times and each time it ended up the same. Perhaps we're just not meant to be? We're 26, I guess no point forcing our way. It will only waste more of our time.
So, I spent two paragraph about emo stuff, So I'll stop emo stuff here. Lets talk a little bit about my birthday. As I've mentioned in my previous post, despite still dreaming of having a grand party, I set my hopes low and I know it won't happen. But the good thing about setting hopes low are surprises. On the eve of my birthday, a random BBQ party was called. Well not to celebrate my bday but at least some outings. Nothing much to talk about as just normally BBQ party, with some booze but not much chics lol. As usual I don't drink much, and I ate alot. The only thing worth mentioning was that somebody is kinda skeptical I touched his Ovation guitar which cost him 2000 dollars despite being able to attract some small crowd with some simple song I played. And of course, it seems they're quite noob in setting up fire lol.
My bday, I receive lots of wishes in facebook which I didn't expect as I am quite "inactive". Well I do log in everyday and I do from time to time put some status or comments, but I seldom go and spam ppl's wall or even wishing ppl's bday. But I can't believe I receive overwhelming response from my friends. Thank you for the wishes. The other surprise was that my supervisor bought me a bday card, and a cookbook about the local delicacies. Very special gift. Now I can go back to Singapore/Malaysia and still cook the food here. Another thing was a small shot glass which has the local logo on it. Very great. But the best gift from my supervisor was still the opportunity to do my internship at Bosch.
Actually the best gift overall for my bday is a camera of my choice from my family. My brother and my parents decided to get me a camera and I op for DSLR eventually. The Canon EOS 1100D entry level model. Of course, have to start from the scratch. But well I guess its a good choice no? too bad I can only have that thing when my parents come over. So now I am not with my new toy yet. And its much cheaper to get in Malaysia. That means I have some money to spend because I've save up some for the camera. But not much coz I have to buy air tickets home.
Abit about emotional stuff again. Of course, I receive calls from her as birthday wishes. Something honestly which I expect it to happen. But its clear, I expect it to happen as she cares alot about friends, so I am still one of hers as u count. Its me that find it hard to be friend again as u know, I am the less strong one in relationship.
No more emo stuff. So the Euro trip plan is going quite well with a few more bookings to make and I'm set to go! 5 destination in 2 weeks. The last three is kinda rush, but at least its stil a chance to visit the cities. In overview, 5 days in Paris, 3 days in Prague, 2 in Budapest, 2 in Vienna and 2 in Switzerland before returning to Frankfurt. Its time to start learning DSLR with those nice castle. If not I'll just put Auto and let the cam do the job lol. At Bosch, I am just counting stars. Now I'm kinda free except for one last not important report to do.
I have to start booking on the days after I return this room and before my parents come.
I don't rmb how many days since the incident already. And I did not rapidly update my facebook or my blog, not because I'm so over it, just that I have been trying to keep myself low. Everytime I break up, I listen to sad music and it made me even more sad. This time, I manage to stay away from music and it's been ages since I took out my mp3 player. But no matter how good I resisted, the music just automatically played in my head today as I was on my way back home. Feels kinda emotional.
Well, despite handling much better than the previous time, I am still far from being recovered. I am still pretty much sad despite not showing my emotion in public social networks. Facebook for once has been quite ugly and I just don't want to cause my drama that's all. My birthday is coming up soon, and I am already starting to imagine all da sad stuff that will come. I guess more or less I'll be celebrating my birthday alone and not having any gifts. Facebook will be silent as I don't correspond to many people out there. Despite being 26 soon, I must say I am still having dreams about a grand birthday celebration where everyone crashes my house and have a cool poolside party. Perhaps it's because I never had a extraordinary birthday before in my life. Yeah, call me childish. I know I am for that. Maybe its still not too late. Maybe during my 30th birthday I'll throw something big, if I have the money.
I'm not trying to sound pathetic. Just that I am really upset at the moment thinking about all this. I've not escaped from Phase 1(according to wenni) of break up yet. But I'm definitely in the middle of it. From being cool about it, now that I can slowly feel the effect and the aftermath is slowly fading, I start to point fingers. Yes, I am trying to find fault and blame on something or someone about this. I am so rational and I know what I'm doing is wrong but yet I can't control. I predict phase 1 is not the worse. I guess when everything's over and I'm back, things will be far worse.
Thankfully these few weeks I've been busy with my work. But today I've completed the design part and left documentation. I am just too afraid to face the remaining weeks being so free. I bet I will start to be emotional again easily in the next few days, especially during my birthday.
To be honest, wasn't a good week for me. To be honest, I had myself motivated because on Tuesday I receive smses which not that special in terms of the content, but it was sms I was hoping for it to arrive. Then my excitement drove me the whole few days, until today I start to realize again, that the person who sent me the sms is already gone from my side. It is hard for me to recover, cause I know myself. I am very serious with my relationship and now it is over, I take it seriously as well. If one day you find me totally being able to let go, its either there's some miracle happen or perhaps I'm dead. But whatever it is, I have to realize that it is over, sooner or later. Just that, it is easy to say, clear what I should do, but just too difficult to execute it.
So besides being sad, I was furious as well. My facebook has turn ugly, being accused of things which are totally the opposite, but I just keep it low. Not that I am lazy to defend myself, but it seems I've been doing that the whole time and the only thing I get is me being childish and always trying to win. Eventually, everyone knows I'm the loser. So what did I win? You tell me. Perhaps you can enlighten me or make me happy by telling me that.
Anyway, its soon coming to the end of March and April, suppose to be one of those months that I totally look forward to, has become now something that I doubt I'll be happy about.
You know, even now we've parted our separate ways, the only thing that kept striking me was how good to have her, and how much she've done for me. I always value the time we've been. Its not even about who's right who's wrong. I've my low times, I've my ridiculous moment, so as everyone. Just felt human being can turn the table around when things turn bad. Now, I am the bad one. And because of that, I'm not suppose to be sad. I am suppose to be the happy one. Right?
Well, just look at who's the one being happy and who's the one being sad. Yes, when I'm writing this post, I'm feeling full of anger, jealousy, hatred, sadness and all the negative feelings. I should let go. If she's happy, I should let go. I bet she is. So, please let go!
Yesterday was really the must hurting day in this two weeks of drama I guess. Eventhough the call was already made last week, but the whole week we've been pulling and pushing each other and just when it seems things might turn around, it ended up over. But yesterday, finally she stop contacting me and I guess she's starting to enjoy life.
I was always looking forward to my weekly monday basketball game. Yesterday however I wasn't even concentrating at all. The worse was my tears nearly drop while I'm still in the game. That was the worst experience in this whole break up story. I purposely left my phone at home the whole day and thought i can look forward to sms or call when i reach home. But I got nothing. Honestly, I know its stupid but i just don't understand how she can claim her regretness and stuff but yet now she don't even show anymore emotion. I guess this is what she really wanted. I should have been happy for her, but I guess me being a human have my degree of selfishness. I hope there will be one day I can be truely happy for her life.
Maybe people wonder why am I the one being sad since at the end it was my decision to call for it. As much as I want it to turn back, I felt this is the best for her. Since some time ago I've already realize we have a great gap between us, and in this two weeks it shows even clearer that she don't value the relationship as how she used to be anymore. Feeling has faded. Despite there's a huge chance of getting back on Sunday, I still turn down. Not because I want to show superiority, but I felt this is a decision she made without really realizing what she really want.
I guess now she's much clearer and I guess she's is on the right track to be happy. Well, for me the past 9 years I've never let go and despite having few breaks before, I can never let go so easily. I know that I am always the loser in this sense. I noe I need a change. But its just at this point so impossible. I don't have something to focus on now and I guess that's why I kept thinking bout the past. As much as good memories can give, I guess that will only be in the past between us.
Well, at least I don't feel so bad today. But I don't deny that inside me I'm still putting some hope. Probably that's why I don't feel emotional today. I predict when I start realizing all hopes are gone, I guess that will be really hurting. I hope I'm prepared for it when that strikes me.
For now I really thank friends and family. They really pull me through from getting even more depressed. Talking to people really helps alot. Thank you all.
Sometimes, it's just hard to describe a particular feeling that I am having. So it's finally really over this time. I just don't understand why I am sorta not allowed to be sad over my decision since its made by me myself. I just made it because it was clear after a long fights and argue on Friday and Saturday. I am not trying to be the winner in all situation, just that I find all I said was just bounced back by saying I'm childish. I don't even think its the matter of being mature or childish anymore. I just felt its difficult to continue that way if a relationship isn't valued that much. I may have been a jerk in the past being such control freak, but I think this time it shows from her side the lack of commitment and relationship priority when our relationship is already on the verge of breaking.
Yes, now she finally wanted to patch things up, which I have been trying to do the whole time this week until I gave up on Friday. I guess its fair to say, when u lose it u realize how important it is. But that is not going to be a long term solution. Imagine what will happen when there's already kids around and after marriage.
Well, now is time to cool off. Now is the time for recovery. But I guess as time goes by, she'll realize perhaps I am not the one she really want. Perhaps now its just because I made the call and I felt sad about it.
I guess from today on, my phone will not ring or sms that often anymore. Honestly, I miss those times. Really. I cherish every moment we had. Godspeed recover is what I need now. By the time I return home, I guess she'll have a wonderful life attached or single. As for me, I have always been the guy who's stuck in the past. So, the only thing that can really make me happy is to get out and start moving forward. This normally can be achieve with a life breakthrough. I hope I will get one.
For now, if you ask me how i felt about things, I am still very very sad, depressed and still trying to find ways to recover, despite calling for it. Hope it won't last.
When a relationship gone bad, its human nature to start pointing fingers. I felt so injustice but just don't know how to put it down here. I mean, I will talk about it, but don't think its easy to express the whole feelings with words.
This relationship starts to fall in recent months. Honestly, I take the blame as it was me who caused that to happen. I was insecure, and I become very control freak, sensitive, and jealous. In a way, I conclude myself as being a jerk. So finally everything crack, and we fight over it. After cooling down, I sincerely apologize to her. I wanted things to work out. But she don't seem keen. But all she gave me was she don't know what to do. I gave her time to think, but she wrote off by saying its not going to work even if i gave time. So in a blitz, she told me that she will hold on, but didn't even show signs that she wanted this anymore. I reckon, I talk nicely to her and I clearly understand it takes time to recover from everything like that. But, she sounded like shit to me, its like stepping the wound between us even more. I still talk nicely, but ended up being labelled as childish.
The other thing I felt injustice about is facebook wall post. I was badly down emotionally, and all I did was sharing in facebook. I might have been posted excessively but hey its my wallpost after all and i'm just being sad ain't? The worse thing was she said that was too much. I was like WTF? Erm its not my game to do comparison, but look at how she usually rant out wall post when we quarrel? How come when she did it, its totally ok but when I do it, I'm childish? Just because I am a guy and she's a girl? oh tell me since when i guy cannot be sad over a break up?
One word to describe, lack of commitment.
I have demands and expectation. But it all came from the same person. I have only been in relationship with one person, and of course all my expectation comes from the same person. But when that person reacted differently, who'd changed?
All I wanted to tell her was that she didn't show that relationship is priority when you need it be in priority. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect her to put everything behind our relationship. Just that since last week itself we were already fighting and the relationship is on the verge of breaking. Instead of settling it first, no she didn't. When I brought this up to her, She tell me relationship is not everything. Perhaps its clear by that time that my assumptions towards her are wrong and i think i can't take it with somebody who doesn't put relationship first when it is needed.
And she just focus on looking good. She's just afraid people will think bad about her if the break up happens. Then it is damn clear she didn't care about this relationship much anymore, she just care about the looks of it. Worse thing I expect her to do is that she went to my parents and tell her about our break up. The purpose was that she's afraid I will tell different story and my mom will hate her. So who's childish here?
U know the worse type of break up is when you have to feel sad, depress and injustice. I still find it hard to take it, and I'm struggling. But I guess thats the best choice.
Today my concentration was way too low in the office. Every 5 mins I stare at the phone. The conversation we had on Wednesday kept circulating my mind. Its like, she didn't want to let go. Yes it made me so happy. But the reason was coz if we break my parents is gonna hate her, n my friends is gonna hate her. The reason why didn't want to hold on, was because I have been ridiculous and really made her pressured. Honestly, in this few days I really thought of it and I realize I have been acting like a jerk. I wish i could change things around. But, this few days her conversation was cold towards me and didn't show signs that she want to hold on with the hope I'll change. She wiped out all possibility by saying i'll only give empty promises as i always do. I guess at this point, it is clear that i am not worth being trusted anymore.
So I thought maybe I should let go if she's happier that way. Yes, I also admit when i told her that, i want to see what is her reaction. If she shows contention to let go and hope I'll still hold on, I can still be positive about things. But all she gave me was that she don't know. Sometimes it doesn't have to say it out loud, i guess this reaction already shows its over.
I was reluctant, I am still very reluctant to let go. Trust me, I am feeling like dying, but by saying this I am assuring you I will not do stupid things don't worry. I thought to reduce my sadness and to speed up my recovery, I should cut all contacts from her first. But I am too weak to withstand it. I burst out, sent emotional sms to her, but I was labelled childish. I guess loving someone, and losing the one u love, and show signs of unwillingness to let go means childish.
Now, I am to be blame for ruining this relationship and not giving chance to turn things around because i changed fb status. I guess everyone knows, facebook status doesn't mean anything at all if things were to turn around at this point. But I guess, things aren't turning around because the feeling is faded, the heart is faded, the will is faded as well.
How much more tears that will fall? How long I need to recover? How and what should I do now?? Its just so difficult for me.
I talk about how bad the situation is, and when finally things are over and stuff like that. But in my mind, I was still putting hopes that things are not happening and kept convincing inside myself that it will not happen. But eventually it happen and I guess nobody could ever understand the feeling of that. Until now, its still burning deep but yet i'm still hoping it was just a nightmare and things will turn around in this few days.
Obviously i have to be awake. How to hope for someone who've basically not much feelings left for you to revive a relationship? How to hope for somebody who only wanted to hold on because don't want to be the bad one? Signs that show it is over, means its over. If its a fight, its solvable. If its a miscommunication, its solvable. If its a gap, its solvable. If its feelings dead, goodbye.
Today is officially day 1. How many n days i have to go through this to heal?
I manage to sleep somewhere around 2-3am ytd and manage to wake up on time to office. As I've mentioned, my workload is getting more these days and finally I am given the professional version of the tool i'm using for my design. Took me some time to learn the functionality, but now its up and running, I guess i'll be busy for the next few days. Good thing is, I can get myself to focus on my work at least in the office so i won't get too depressed. However, the emotional feeling still strikes me from time to time no matter where i am. I mean, for the whole past 2 years, its been all about her. Almost everything i do.
As usual, tears still dropping while I am at home. I can't control it. Its like every few mins I got strike by this heartache, and then my tears burst out. I don't think I can ever get through this the way I see it. Just one month ago I was enjoying my time so much, and just 1 week ago, everything seems still going smoothly. I looked back at my V-day gifts, its so wonderful. The words in the card kept popping up my mind. How would i forget?
I also got bad news about jobs, just got rejected by a company in Germany. Right now, i felt really down. I felt I am incapable of almost everything. My life seems to be so ruined at this point. I can't even barely smile.
Something that took off my mind from dropping tears today, the weekly monday basketball game. Well, I was quite afraid i will get cramp like last time coz I didn't have enough sleep yet playing 5 vs 5 full court basketball. But my time here is running up, so there're not much games left. I want to perform in every game. But sometimes, i felt I think too hard how I should play the game. First half I missed almost all my shots, had 2 air balls, lost passes and clumsy dribbling. And fatigue really strike me fast. after few runs I am already exhausted. Good thing they called for break, and quickly i took two sips of water and continue shooting, trying to get my stroke back. Second half, I played like a pro. I had beautiful assist, i made almost all my shots, few drive to the hoop and one pump fake that brought the best player in the court up in the air and i just dribble past him to score. Was great. Really, the whole 1 1/2 hours I was pretty focus in the game.
Of course, my day didn't ended quite well. When i reach my room, facing the same wall i faced for the past 6 months. I put down my nike bag, and stare at it for a while. This was the bag that mean so much to me. It took me from Singapore and back to KL so frequently, it followed me to every basketball games I have, it followed me to Stuttgart twice, and it followed me to UK which was my top chart trip. I can even sing Eason Chen's song about backpack regarding my nike bag. Again, i just can't control my tears and it felt.
U know, I have been a low self esteem person all the time. But my confidence went sky high, when i'm with her. She's the only one that would know how to appreciate my tiny talents, which are no where if i put myself with even my college mates or class mates. Of course, confidence and ego is just a string thin and anytime it crossed path just like that without realizing it. After sleepless nights and today as well, I admit and realize, sometimes I have been not just confident, but too ego. Sometimes it just too late, yeah its human nature that people only realize when things happen. I know, sometimes I always analyze life as if i'm running simulation on my circuits and try to find reason for everything. Perhaps, i'm brain washed by this way of living a life. Yes, I am pretty much still a passionate, emotional and in some ways romantic guy and i believe i can be proud of that looking at my resume of life and relationship. But I guess, sometimes its just useless to have so much talent, but so much bad habit as well. I need anger management, temper management course. I need to control my emotion and be less emotional about things. I need to pump my confidence, but stay below the ego line. I guess this are part of my life that I haven't much achieve.
As rational as i can be now, i'm still feeling the pain here and there. I guess I don't really understand the feelings of the Japanese yet cause I've never been in their shoes, and so coincidently, the moment the natural disaster strike, bad things strike upon me too. I am really sorry for their loses and also worried of all the aftermath regarding this quake. However, I just have too much aftermath myself to deal with. I just hope 2moro I can last for the whole day in work as now work is getting more serious with some "bosses" wants to use my board design as well. I have to take good consideration of my design now. But I doubt I can pull through the whole day. Last week i barely have 5 hours sleep each day, surviving with coffee. From Saturday till now, i slept only for 5 hours. I'm just really farked up as i just can't sleep even after a tiring basketball game. And its not about the coffee as the coffee effect is long gone. My brain, my heart everything, just seem to function by itself and i'm not able to control it anymore. I'm losing it....real bad.
I woke up earlier than usual, or rather didn't sleep well yesterday i should say. Brush my teeth, get dress and get my hair done, and then left the usual time i left. Before that i checked my mail, and logged on to facebook for a while, but obviously it turns out empty. I walked the usual path to the bus stop just like any other day. Except, my heart is burning, and my eye muscles are trying so hard to hold my tears from dropping in public. In the bus ride, I looked around. Nothing special, but somehow i just felt today is different. I just felt I didn't want to talk to anyone at all. Normally I would hope I meet some friends in the bus as it is the only bus that will stop at Bosch, so sometimes I'll meet some colleagues.
I feel proud of myself at least, I manage to hold my tears in the office before i really burst out after i reached home. Wasn't an easy task trying to act normal. Today's productivity wasn't that bad as I expected, though my concentration drop every 15 mins interval, and that's when i felt like needle poking my heart. In this short pulse interval, suddenly those places around Malaysia and Singapore that I once have good memories, just appeared in my brain. I start to think, how did i pull through this the last time. Well, the least consolation I had last time was that I'm in Europe so i won't be able to see those places for some time. Good for healing. But now, even Europe seems to have full of bittersweet memories. I even get reaction when I see pound sterling symbols. It just hurting, really hurting.
I just wonder what should I do to heal now. This time it really hit me hard. I guess thats normal as this time i brought it to a total different level. Well, the higher I go, the harder I fall. I try to talk to people, and of course most of them didn't know what to tell me. Clear. I always have this problem when somebody approach me and tell me that he/she had a break and i can't say anything back at all. I don't know what i want to hear from people as well, perhaps i just want to share it out. But its so different from last time. I don't have much friends that i can talk to here, plus the time zone, i can't find anyone to talk to really. Its just hurting. Real bad.
I know, this blog is basically dead. I don't expect any readers anyway. But i guess this is the only place where i can share out my feelings, and hope i'll feel a little better.
day 1 still burn as hot as hell. how many days do i need to heal? months? years? centuries?
I'm hurting so badly now and nothing i do seems to stop the "bleeding". I wasn't prepare for this at all, not since long ago. I really don't know what to do now. I can't sleep. I can't be happy. I just can't get myself on the feet. And i can't control my tears. Its been wetting my whole pillow now. I have no mood to do anything at all. When I watch movies I'll remember the time we spent in cinema, when i facebook, i rmb how we exchange msg n post. when i blog, i just rmb how i select which photos to put up. even when i turn on my comp, i just have the tendency to turn on my picasa n browse through those pics, but those pics are like poison to me making my heart hurt even more. I just don't know what else i can do. I stare at the phone every now and then, just to realize nothing is happening there. It hurts, so badly. I look back at July last year, we set a goal. Short term, and when everything's over it's going to be real bright. It is not happening. I am going to break down soon. I just can't help crying and crying. Just six more weeks to go. its never reaching.
today is theoretically the saddest day of my life, at least until now. Next week I will have another sad week and Saturday will be the Ultimatum. For 10 years on and off, it is just sad that it has to come to this point where she's confuse about our relationship. For once I was so firm about it, almost certain nothing will happen to this relationship. I guess it will definitely add to one sacrifice I have to make for being in Germany instead of staying back in Singapore. As the end comes, my verdict towards choosing Germany is becoming less bright. I am always trying hard to defend my decision, but in the end i guess there are more sacrifice made than gain. I lost my social time, I have to pay extra and now in a brink of losing my most precious relationship.
Well, people envy me that I can be with my love one in UK, taking pics of nice buildings and castle. For once I also thought that, but how am I even going to open my photo album now. I don't think I can. Its just gonna make my tears drop pretty madly.
For the past 2 years, it has been all about her. I enjoy watching movies in the cinema, purely because she's beside me. I enjoy driving around because she'll be sitting at the front seat of my car. I enjoy going around having food hunt, purely because she eats like barbarian like i do. I enjoy putting on nice clothings, because i love to impress her, or at least don't look ugly when i'm with her. I just have a long list to go on with this, but the more i type the more my keyboard is gonna get wet.
It will never be that easy for me, eventhough i've been through this. I don't know how long i need this time. 10 years? 100 years? Or maybe 2012 will wipe out the entire human race, or even I survive that 2029 Terminator is gonna kill us all. As for now, I see darkness. I don't see any light anymore. 2011, a year without joy for me so far.
I'm hurting so badly....so badly...........
Just approximately 1 year ago, I was excited and jumping up and down because I got the internship position in Bosch, Germany. I was excited to come back honestly, and I quickly contact all of my friends that are still around here. Well of course being in such a different area, the excitement didn't live up to expectation. Back in Singapore just before I leave, I was delayed by the document process, which is not such a bad thing at all as I am given some holiday time.
Did I ever mention before that it was one of those greatest moments? I bet I did as I always share great moments. It was kinda boring initially as I thought I have to stay in Singapore in case my presence is needed for any document application. But after 2 weeks, I decided that I desperately want to go home to see my friends and of course, someone special. I had the best two months full of movies outing and dinner or BBQ. I even have two separate trips with Kelsen in Singapore and her immediately after. To conclude, I left Malaysia at my highest peak to Germany.
Then it was disastrous weeks for me as I find it difficult to settle down. I even broke down in tears badly for days as I've been missing the people and fun back home. Until now, I don't think I am quite settled though I have start searching for jobs here. Back then, I was seriously counting days, and hope my time will be over here and go back to what I've left behind before I came.
I guess I have to admit I am being too naive and childish to hope that things didn't change, or change in a positive way. Two months after I am here, I have already felt the changes in someone. But I try to move on as I know I am in a long distance, and I can't expect things to be the same. At least this is what I tried to tell myself, and try to find ways to settle down here too. It is seriously difficult when you're alone and there's not much stuff to do around here. I was depressed and pressured as well initially due to work too.
I don't want to do into details about things despite remember all the bits and pieces crystal clear in my mind. But somewhere in December where I had my two weeks Christmas break and I went north to find my old friends, I already felt the changes and things were just so ruined then. It honestly spoilt my holiday and made me start to wonder alot of things.
Somehow that month was skipped through, and thankfully yet nothing have really happened. Then comes January where things should turn around. She's flying to UK for training, and theoretically it should be better for us as the distance is much closer and gave me the opportunity to meet up after so long. I was freaking damn excited, and I am even more excited when my tickets are confirmed. Though at one point I had also some negative thoughts like maybe she'll feel a little stranger of me after so long didn't meet up. So the day came and I enjoyed the trip pretty much, and straight away this trip went to the top chart of my most enjoyable trip i ever had. Unfortunately, I just gotta realized that I am clapping my own hand. This trip is my top list, but doesn't mean its the top for everybody involve. Well, again I know I am acting childish, but i guess i have every right to be sad.
Just 1 month after the trip and all, things became from bad to worse. Finally I have addressed the main issue out and asked a fairly simple question, but a question that should've been considered seriously since few months back. Despite that, there are quite a number of fights involve, and once again it broke me down into one week full of tears hiding under my blanket on my bed at night. Can u believe a 26 year old male with a Master degree soon still crying like a baby? I don't know anyone else does that though. But I guess I have to start preparing for the worse as I finally get the honest answer. Things changed, and it can just happen without any prior notice. Oh maybe i should take that back, as the prior notice has been there, just that I choose to believe its not true.
I am sorry for the people in Japan, but I predict I'll be crying like a tsunami rain too. Sigh.
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